"More fun than a barrel of monkeys"

[MonkeyFunk]

My whole life, the "barrel of monkeys" was the gold standard of fun. As a child, I'd dream about what humorous riches would arise from a bunch of monkeys in a barrel. I'd never seen such a thing, aside from the little plastic toys, but the image was powerful in my mind.

So I scrimped and saved and dreamt.

Then, one day, I procured a barrel. And by "procured" I mean "stole".

The hard part was getting monkeys. But I scoured the internets, slinked into zoos, and eventually, after much expense and effort, managed to obtain a barrelful of monkeys.

I was giddy with anticipation. I expected orgasmic quantities of fun. It was the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.

So...

I filled the barrel with monkeys, and placed the lid on and sat back with a cold cocktail and the hopes and dreams of a child on Christmas Eve.

Well, let me tell you...

At first, there was a lot of screeching and crying. So I told my boyfriend to hush up and sent him out to find a 3.4mm hex screw which I claimed was necessary to flush the toilet. Mission accomplished - he was gone for hours.

Then I observed the barrel closely, with a bag of chips in my lap and a second cocktail at the ready.

More screeching and crying. I looked around for the boyfriend, but he was still gone. I concluded the sound was coming from the barrel, much to my dismay.

Then the barrel started bouncing around - that was sort of fun, I guess, but the horrible sounds and smells emanating from it sort of distracted from the euphoria.

Then, a small trickle of blood and monkey piss started oozing from the barrel. Oh yeah, I laughed at first, but it was a forced laughter. It really wasn't that funny, in retrospect.

After a few hours, the sounds died down, the barrel stopped moving, and the boyfriend returned with an attitude. The smell, at this point, was overwhelming, and the stains in the carpet had become a legitimate cause for concern.

I poked the barrel a few times, to no avail. The only result was a new leak of monkey blood and piss, now mixed with monkey shit.

So I have to say, after the whole ordeal, that there are plenty of things more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

[petronius]

1. Best. Post. EVER.

Damn, I am :rofl:...

[Squeegee]

2. Rather disturbing actually

I don't think I want to hang out with you... ever! :P

[MonkeyFunk]

19. Thanks

I like your tongue!

[Richardo]

3. Next: "The best thing since sliced bread"

:rofl: @ MonkeyFunk

[MonkeyFunk]

5. oh...

don't get me started on sliced bread. It's SOOO overrated.

[RandomKoolzip]

9. So are hotcakes.

I mean, hotcakes are on just about every supermarket shelf, and yet Cabbage-Patch-Kids-style consumer riots fail to ensue.

[Kutjara]

12. The one that really pisses me off is...

...calling someone you really like "the bee's knees." I mean, I've taken the trouble to examine the knees of quite a number of bees, using the best magnification equipment imaginable, and they just look like furry knobs. Yet, when I called my wife a furry knob, she hit me. I really don't understand.

I'm going to investigate the cat's pyjamas next. Stay tuned...

[ThomCat]

4. Um... Are you okay?

:)

[MonkeyFunk]

10. I'm OK

just a little disappointed.

[RandomKoolzip]

6. Did you remember to feed them wheat gluten?

Certain breeds of monkeys will masturbate until complete core-muscle atrophy unless fed tainted wheat gluten thrice daily. I pray you were wise enough not to make this common mistake.

[GoneOffShore]

7. You are a desperately sick individual.

But I like you, I really do like you.

[Ann Arbor Dem]

8. Um

I don't know whether to :rofl: or :scared:

[Goblinmonger]

11. Bookmarked

so I can read and laugh again.

[deucemagnet]

13. Monkeys are nothing more than teeth, claws, and bad attitude.

I don't imagine a barrelful would be any better. :shrug:

[MonkeyFunk]

14. That's the sad conclusion I came to

after a whole barrel of disappointment.

[CanuckAmok]

15. Animal abuse isn't funny.

Unless it's monkeys. I fucking hate them and their leathery red asses.

Abuse away, friend!

[Kutjara]

16. These little bastards weren't any more fun:

Crappy damned toy. Not even real monkeys.

[Heidi]

17. Can you still buy those??????

I was thinking just the other day how they'd be great for a still life painting. Something in the vein of http://www.sfraser.com/pages/images-main-frameset.htm

:hi: Kutjara! How ya been?

[Kutjara]

33. I don't think so.

They're definitely toys of a bygone era, like Klackers and those toy car filling stations made out of razor sharp stamped steel that sliced and diced generations of inquisitive tots. At least the Magic-8-Ball is still around.

I'm doing fine Heidi, thanks for asking. It's sunny and warm here in the glorious OC, so even the wall-to-wall Republicans aren't bothering me as much as usual today. How about you? :hi:

[MonkeyFunk]

35. Yeah, you can still get 'em

but they look like super cheap plastic nowadays.

http://www.toyconnection.com/Merchant2/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Product_Code=MONK&Category_Code=A&qts=google&qtk=barrel%20of%20monkeys

[Maineiac]

18. I remember those

and chutes and ladders and Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots.

[Kutjara]

34. Don't forget Battlin' Tops.

You only got about fifteen minutes of use out of the game until either one of the tops shot out of the ring, never to be seen again, or the cheap plastic launching mount broke off, but that was fifteen minutes of bliss.

[jpgray]

20. God help you if you ever buy a little Honda

Go! Faster faster!

[MonkeyFunk]

21. I have no idea what you mean

shoo! Begone!

[Rhiannon12866]

22. I've never thought that monkeys were much "fun."

When we were kids, one poked my cousin in the eye, made her cry. This made a lasting impression on me. I think that we should just leave them alone...:shrug:

[asthmaticeog]

23. Did you forget to throw in the wire mother?

:shrug:

[Zuiderelle]

24. OMG

Are you channeling Quentin Tarantino? I don't know whether to laugh or vomit.

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

30. I think he wants to offer this to MTV as a Beavis & Butthead script

With a few more like this, they may even resurrect the franchise.

[skygazer]

25. I've always wondered about this

Thank you for making the effort to investigate this important question. :patriot:

[XNASA]

26. And that's why you should never experiment at home.

Lesson learned.

[mikeytherat]

27. Before "barrel full of monkeys," I heard, "More fun than a clown on fire."

We had to run the experiment several times; the lab results were pretty much what you might expect and, to a certain degree, it was fun.

Except, of course, for the clown.

Maybe we should have used more than one.

mikey_the_rat

[slj0101]

28. There's nothing funnier than primates in distress.

:D

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

29. Oh. My. God.

:wow:

I will NEVER attain this level of twistedness. :cry:

[Blue-Jay]

31. The ARISTOCRATS!

[ronnykmarshall]

32. You're a madcap!

[HEyHEY]

36. LOL /nt

[RetroLounge]

37. You are on my list of MUST INVITE DU'ers

for my next party...

Your amount of twisted dementia is awe inspiring...

:bow:

RL

[MonkeyFunk]

38. well

I hope your parties are more fun than a barrel of monkeys.

[ET Awful]

39. So could one call the mess at the bottom of the barrel "monkeyfunk"?

:evilgrin:

[Hugin]

40. *sigh* Yet another victim of metaphor truncation. THE.FUN.STARTS.WHEN...

YOU.LET.THE.MONKEYS.-OUT-.OF.THE.BARREL!

:eyes:

[MonkeyFunk]

42. well when I opened the barrel

they didn't do much of anything. Except stink and leak.

[LSK]

41. I thought it was "shooting fish in a barrel"

:popcorn:

[MonkeyFunk]

43. No

that's easy, not fun.

Plus it tends to ruin the barrel.