Best Monty Python line ever

[Oeditpus Rex]

The commentator on a football match featuring the German Philosophers vs. the Greek Philosophers after the Greeks won 1-0 on a last-second goal by Socrates (assisted by Archimedes):


The Germans are disputing it! Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics; Kant, via the categorical imperative, is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination; and Marx is claiming it was offside.


Brilliant. :rofl:

[grasswire]

1. Hey!

Off topic, but have you seen the British production of "Wind in the Willows"? I watched it on public television tonight. It was beautiful, and beautifully acted.

[Oeditpus Rex]

2. That the one directed and co-written by Terry Jones

and with Jones, Cleese, Idle and Palin?

No, I haven't seen it.

[Awsi Dooger]

3. It's

I still have an old buddy from high school who calls me once in a while just to hear me imitate that opening line from Monty Python. It always busted him up in school, for some reason.

One of my subtle favorites was from the Cycling Tour of North Cornwall episode, Mr. Pither to his mother:

"So, it was all a dream!"

"No dear, this is the dream. You're still in the cell."

[Oeditpus Rex]

27. One of the first lines to break me up

was from "The Cycling Tour." Would've been sometime in 1976.


Who's giving the orders around here?

I am! I'm senior to you!

No, you're not! You're a greengrocer; I'm an insurance salesman!

Greengrocers are senior to insurance salesmen!

Cool it! I'm an ice-cream salesman! I am senior to both of you!

You're an ice-cream salesman? I thought you were a vetenarian.

I got promoted. Let's go.


:rofl:

[Stardust]

4. If you're in the LA area, MP & The Holy Grail is showing at the Arclight Cinema

beginning 4/23! :bounce:

[Oeditpus Rex]

28. Well, I'm about 300 miles north of LA

Plus, I have the "executive version" DVD and I've seen it about 60 times. :D

[ghostsofgiants]

5. My favourite will always be, "Oh, mollusks. I thought you said bacon."

[meegbear]

9. The whelp is nothing more than a ho-mo-sexual of the worst kind!

:rofl:

[Oeditpus Rex]

29. I shall now whack you on the head with a newspaper

"Disgusting!"

"But more interesting!"

"Oh, yes!"

[ghostsofgiants]

48. Classic.

[Oeditpus Rex]

50. Disgusting!

Let's kill it!

[wildhorses]

6. gonna get a spanking

:spank:


:applause:

[sasquatch]

7. Speeking of which, have you seen Rev-Acts

[wildhorses]

8. hmmm....now that you mention it---

it has been a while...hope she is okay:shrug:

[bmbmd]

10. That rabbit's got a mean streak

a mile wide....

[NightWatcher]

11. I dont like SPAM!

[Burma Jones]

12. From the Movies: Arthur-Good Idea Oh Lord....God-OF COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA

From the Show: "It's people like you what cause unrest".....

[Oeditpus Rex]

30. And now, there is the Mayor

Surely the third tallest mayor in Derby's history. And there are the Aldermen, magnificently resplendent in their Aldermanic hose, and just look at the power in those thighs. The New Zealanders are going to find it pretty tough going in the set pieces in the second half. So, Dawn Palethorpe with one clear round on Sir Gerald... and now the Mayor has reached the Great Customer Mr Eric Praline. And now the Mayoral human being takes the Mayoral Pen in the Mayoral hand and, watched by the Lady Mayoress, who of course scored that magnificent try in the first half, signs the fishy exemption. And the Great Customer, Mr Eric Praline, who is understandably awed by the magnificence and even the absurdity of this great occasion here at Cardiff Arms Park, has finally gone spare. And there is the going-sparal look on the front of his head. And now the Aldermen are finishing their oranges and leaving the post office for the start of the second half.

[Beer Snob-50]

13. From the movie "The Meaning of Life"

the every sperm is sacred song. I love that.

[bmbmd]

15. My ring tone?

"I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay..."

[AllegroRondo]

14. "Theres a man at the door with a mustache"

"Tell him I've already got one!"

[Oeditpus Rex]

31. Now I have to whack *you* with a newspaper

I swear, I can't take you or p1 anywhere. :eyes:



Especially to a documentary about mollusks.




4

[Neshanic]

16. "You did'nt expect SPANISH INQUISITION!"

[FredScuttle]

17. "Well, ladies and gentlemen..."

"I don't think any of our contestants this evening have succeeded in encapsulating the intricacies of Proust's masterwork, so I'm going to award the first prize this evening to the girl with the biggest tits."

[Oeditpus Rex]

32. Mount Everest — forbidding, aloof, terrifying

The mountain with the biggest tits in the world.







Start again!

[FredScuttle]

37. I would tax Raquel Welch...

and I've a feeling she would tax me

[Jokerman]

18. "American beer is like making love in a canoe..."

"it's fucking close to water."

Eh Bruce?

[kwassa]

19. I saw that bit on the philosphers in '73 in England.

The young ladies we were staying with dragged us to the telly, saying that we had to watch Monty Python RIGHT NOW!

we said, "What's a Monty Python?"

this routine had me on the floor.

Python didn't make it to PBS for several more years. I tried to explain it to Americans, but couldn't.

[Oeditpus Rex]

33. PBS picked it up in 1975

The first American station to broadcast it was KERA in Dallas, of all places.

KQED in San Francisco got it shortly after that. A friend of mine came over one night and said, "You should check out this show on channel 9."

I didn't get it at first. :shrug:

[skygazer]

20. That's just the funniest sketch

How did they come up with the hysterical stuff they came up with? Just brilliant.

[Oeditpus Rex]

36. I dunno, but if I ever write a Python book

it's gonna be about that — not the who and what, but the how and why. How did six like minds come together to create one of the all-time television cult classics?

[AllegroRondo]

41. Have you seen "The Pythons Autobiography By The Pythons"?

its a coffee table sized book, TONS of pictures, that really gets into the details of how these guys met and were able to create what they did.

[Oeditpus Rex]

43. That's one I don't have

I have three or four Python books, but I'm lacking in them and the albums. x(

[AllegroRondo]

45. I found it at Barnes and Noble for $6 after Christmas

it pays to check out the bargain bins!
I also found the complete TV scripts that way about 10 years ago.

but I see Amazon has it for $15.56. Not bad, I think cover price is $50.

[Oeditpus Rex]

49. I've had the scripts forever, too

Had two sets, in fact; gave one to my nephew.

That's also online, y'know: http://www.ibras.dk/montypython/justthewords.htm

First Python book I bought was the Book of the Film from "MP&THG." Paid $50 for it and a PBS membership in the '80s. :7

[conscious evolution]

57. A friend found a script to HG

His kids have it memorized.Say one sentence from the movie and they will act out the whole scene.

[rocktivity]

60. I think the key to Phyton humor is that they always offered a grain of hope

that something "sensible" would happen.

On one of their talk show sendups, they assemble of panel of the world's great thinkers--Trotsky, Socrates, Lenin, etc. You actually get caught up in imagining the high discourse these people would have had. But noooo--the host asks them trivia questions about football!

My favorite Python line has no dialouge, just hoofbeats while all you see is a Terry Gilliam charater sitting in a chair. The hoofbeats gradually grow louder, and for some reason, the laughter does, too. You KNOW something utterly ridiculous is going to happen, but deep in the back of your mind, you're hoping that maybe just this once, just maybe you'll be wrong. But in keeping with the porcine theme of that particular show, a gigantic pig flies into the scene lands on the poor cartoon character!

:headbang:
rocknation

[Jo March]

21. "She's got huuuge

TRACTS O' LAND!"

[mcscajun]

22. "I object to all this sex on the television; I mean, I keep falling off!"

:rofl:

[jobycom]

23. I'm too simple. The two lines I wind up quoting are: "I'm not dead yet" and

"It's just a little mint, sir."

[Ikonoklast]

24. " 'E's not dead, 'e's just pining for the fjords!"

"Beautiful parrot, the Norwegian Blue!"

[baldguy]

58. The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!

[qwertyMike]

61. Paraphrase

"This parrot has joined the Choir Invisibe - it's dead"

[nickgutierrez]

25. ...and Confucious, he say, "name go in book".

:rofl:

[youthere]

26. "You don't have to go LEAPING straight for the clitoris!"

[Oeditpus Rex]

35. Okay, now I have to post this again

It got a thread about DU running mates and campaign slogans locked a few months ago, but, dammit, I must.

[youthere]

39. ...

:spray:

[SacredCow]

34. She turned me into a NEWT!!!!!

It got better...


BURN HER ANYWAY!!!!!

[achtung_circus]

40. Like so.

[6000eliot]

38. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries."

Nothing like a good French taunting!

[achtung_circus]

42. Where to begin?

but one favourite is

"strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is hardly the basis for a system of government."

[Burma Jones]

44. There's also this, my Wife's favorite moment.......

"LLAMA"


Singers: John Cleese,Terry Jones & Eric Idle
From 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' - Episode 9

JOHN:
Senores, senors, senoritas, Buenas noches!

Good Evening, Ladies and Gentleman!


GUITARIST and DANCER:
Buenas noches!

Good Evening!


JOHN:
La llama es una cuadrupeda
que vive en grande rios parecido el Amazonas.
Ello toiene dos orejas un corazón
una frente y un pico para comiend miel.
Pero ello es suministrado con aleta pare nadando.

The llama is a quadruped which lives in big rivers like the Amazon.
It has two ears, a heart, a forehead, and a beak for eating honey.
But it is provided with fins for swimming.



GUITARIST and DANCER:
Llamas son mas grande que ranas.

Llamas are larger than frogs.



JOHN:
Llamas son peligrosa
Asi si usted ve uno donde pueblo es nodando usted grita Cuidado Llamas.

Llamas are dangerous,
so if you see one where people are swimming,
you shout:



GUITARIST and DANCER:
Cuidado cuidado cuidado Llamas
Cuidado cuidado cuidado Llamas
Ole!

Look out, there are llamas!

[Oeditpus Rex]

47. ...

:7

[achtung_circus]

46. Gratuitous image of Carol Cleveland

[Deep13]

51. If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy, would it? nt

[pdx_prog]

52. The pantomime horse is a secret agent and upperclass twit of the year!

The pantomime horse spins round and fires his revolver towards some trees overhanging the water. Another pantomime horse falls out of the tree into the water. A third pantomime horse scurries out from behind a bush and runs off into the undergrowth. Dobbin leaps out of the boat. The girl jumps after him. A car drives out of some bushes on to the road and accelerates away. The pantomime horse is in it. Dobbin and the girl leap into their own expensive sports car and give chase. Shots of exciting chase. After two or three shots of the cars chasing, the two pantomime horses are seen on two tandems, continuing the chase. Cut to them chasing each other on horseback. Cut to them chasing each other on rickshaws. Cut to them chasing each other on foot.
Voice Over And now the English pantomime horse has very nearly caught up with the Russian pantomime horse, I think he's going to take him any moment now but what is this? What is this? (round the corner are waiting a pantomime goose and a pantomime Princess Margaret; the Russian pantomime horse runs past them and they leap on the English pantomime horse and a fight starts) Yes it's pantomime Princess Margaret and the pantomime goose and they're attacking the English pantomime horse and the Russian pantomime horse has got away. But who is this? (a car draws up and Terence Rattigan and the Duke of Kent and the RSM run up and join in the fighting; the Russians are joined by Heinz Sielmann and Peter Scott and Jacques Cousteau) My goodness me it's the Duke of Kent to the rescue...


Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you. (close-up of the competitors) Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an O-level in chemo-hygiene. Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp. Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree, and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards, and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket. And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc, Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. Now they're moving up to the starting line, there's a jolly good crowd here today. Now they're under starter's orders ... and they're off! (the starter fires the gun; nobody moves) Ah no, they're not. No they didn't realize they were supposed to start. Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now. I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea. All set to go. (starter fires gun again; the twits move off erratically) Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start this year. Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they're coming into their first test, the straight line. (the twits make their way erratically along five white lines) They've got to walk along this straight line without failing over and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's coming through quite fast on the outside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No. Three, I'm sorry, and on the outside there's Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the position... (the twits approach a line of matchboxes piled three high) Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the matchbox jump.. three layers of matchboxes to clear... and Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime - if only his father could understand. Here's Nigel ... and now Gervaise is over he's, er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there he goes, Nigel's over, beautifully. Now it's only Oliver. Oliver ... and Gervaise... oh bad luck. And now it's Kicking the Beggar. (the twits are kicking a beggar with a vending tray) Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian's there. Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here he comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l, Vivian 2, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear. Ah there's Oliver (Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes), there's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy, he doesn't know when he's winning either.

[krispos42]

53. "And now the sound of John Denver... being strangled!"

You came on my pill-ow...
<gaaaag, choke, choke, cough>

Thank you.

:rofl:

[AllegroRondo]

54. Number 27, the larch.

the


larch.

[Mendocino]

55. "What's on the telly"

"Looks like a penguin"

[sendero]

56. I fart in your general direction....

...

[Forkboy]

59. "You've got a nice army base here, colonel."

"We wouldn't want anything to happen to it."

[Twillig]

65. "Fings break Colonel...."

"Awwwww...."

Good one. indeed.

[begin_within]

62. "But I didn't eat the salmon mousse"

[Random_Australian]

63. No! No! I know better! In the Life Of Brian where the people are trying to

tell him he's the saviour, and he's is just dying to get them away because the romans want to find him, and he's saying:

Brian: I'm not the messiah, I'm NOT the messiah!

Random Guy: Yes you are, O Lord! I should know, I've followed a few!

Brian: Will you please, PLEASE listen to me - I'm NOT the messiah!

Random Woman: Aha! Only the true messiah would deny his divinity!

Brian: Oh, what kind of chance does that give me? Alright then I AM the messiah!

Crowd (in unison): The Messiah! He's the Messiah!

Brian: NOW FUCK OFF!

(absolute silence)

Random Guy: Uh, how shall we fuck off, O Lord?

[kath]

71. He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy.

[Twillig]

64. The commentator on the 'summarizing Proust' competition

"...golf's not very popular around here, but never mind, a good try".



The contestant (Graham Chapman) listed his hobbies (apart from summarizing Proust) as: "Well, strangling animals, golf and masturbating."

[Oeditpus Rex]

66. The first time it was aired, yeah

Dunno how the Beeb let it through, since that episode was in the third season, and by that time the censor was keeping almost as close an eye on MPFC as Mary Whitehouse was.

In all subsequent airings — as well as on the DVD — it was poorly edited to "Golf, strangling animals."

Then Arthur Mee, the emcee of the All-England Summarise Proust Competition, awards the prize to "the girl with the biggest tits." And the next sketch begins with "Mount Everest — forbidding, aloof, terrifying; the mountain with the biggest tits in the world."

So we can't accuse the BBC of being too conservative. :7




Proust, in his first book, wrote about, wrote about...

[Twillig]

68. I remember seeing it on PBS here in the USA (as a teen) and

wouldn't have remembered it quite so vividly if it didn't mention masturbating.

:D

[Oeditpus Rex]

72. Then the lads have poor memories

I took that from multiple Python books, with one of them the source in each case.

:shrug:

[philosophie_en_rose]

67. Every Sperm is Sacred.

Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is wanted.
In Your Neigborhood.

...

Let the Heathen Spill Theirs
On the Dusty Ground
God will make them Pay for Every Sperm that Can't be Found!

[targetpractice]

69. Miss Elk (Anne), do you have a new theory about the brontosaurus?

<snip>

Elk (in response): All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much MUCH thicker in the middle, and then thin again at the far end. That is the theory that I have and which is mine, and what it is too.

<snip>

The long version can be found here.

[kwassa]

70. " I think it was "Blessed are the Cheesemakers'"

JESUS:
They shall have the earth...
GREGORY:
What was that?
JESUS:
...for their possession. How blest are those...
MR. CHEEKY:
I don't know. I was too busy talking to Big Nose.
JESUS:
...who hunger and thirst to see...
MAN #1:
I think it was 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'
JESUS:
...right prevail.
MRS. GREGORY:
Ahh, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
GREGORY:
Well, obviously, this is not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

[Redneck Socialist]

73. "That rabbit's dynamite!"

Kills me every time. :rofl: