Is your face red enough yet?

[TrogL]

borrowed from User Friendly

Quoted in an email:

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back....or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true story... We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[TrogL]

1. My own contribution to the cause

I was quite young. The minister and his wife had come to visit.

I was sent to the bathroom (who knows why). Upon return, I was asked if I "went". In response I described in excruciatingly graphic detail the colour, shape, consistency and constitution of each individual turd.

The deafening silence lasted about a week.

[Padraig18]

2. Priceless!

My younger brother embarrassed me sooooo badly one time that I could have strangled him:

We were watching a movie at Loew's Downtown, and after telling him to quit pestering me he announces to the world "Fine, I'll just shit my pants and you'll have to smell it all the way back home on the bus!".

I took him to the restroom and we re-seated ourselves in an entirely different section of the auditorium where I hoped no one would recognize us.

:P

[NJCher]

3. well, speaking of female news anchors

I went to visit a friend of mine, who is a female news anchor in a small city of maybe a million or two. She is very attractive and has a rather large bustline. She is quite popular in that city and everyone knows her.

We went to a bar and were ordering drinks with our server. I asked my friend, "Do you say you wanted a sloe gin fizz?" and she responded, "No, I want a sloe screw." She said it real loud and drawn out because there was so much noise in the bar.

Of course at the moment she corrected me on the drink, the entire bar had fallen silent. So at that particular moment she was the only one speaking and everyone heard her. "No, I want a slllllowwwwwww screw."


Cher

[beyurslf]

4. Thanks. A good laugh is sometimes just what we need at the end of the day.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

5. ROTFLMAO

I've got tears streaming down my face...and my 5 year old wants to know what's so funny!

Thanks for the laugh!

[WealthAndDemocracy]

6. LOL!

Great stuff!!

[Braden]

7. my sisters famous breast supermarket story

my Oldest Sister was shopping with her three kids, one was a few months old at the time.

She is in line, the store is very busy. She loaded her items onto the belt and a nice little old lady behind her said "excuse me your milk is leaking." My sister without pause grabbed at one of her breast and then the other, and then looked at the plastic milk jug on the belt and a small puddle of 1% and several amused onlookers.