Your designated family villain?

[InvisibleTouch]

I guess the recent "news" is making me think about this. When I was growing up, our designated family villain was my father, who was held to blame for every bad feeling and unpleasant scene that ever happened. Despite that, I don't remember him ever belittling me and calling me names - that was, and remains, my mother's domain. (I told her yesterday after she ruined my Earth Day that she really ought to get together with Alec Baldwin, as they seem to be two of a kind.) After he finally left - and in retrospect I can't blame him one iota! - I inherited the "family villain" position, and wore that crown for many years. I was told outright, "You've ruined our perfect happy family." As if. I just wanted to be left the hell alone, and if they took offense that they couldn't force me into cloying togetherness and conformity, I accept no blame or guilt for that. After I left (escaped), my brother took on the role, at least partially, and now he vaccilates between "arrogant jerk" and "momma's boy." The only other common factor in the picture is my mother. Makes me go "Hmmm."

Anyway, just a mini-rant to vent a bit. Anyone else have a similar tale?

[Tyler Durden]

1. ME and twas ever thus.

I was the Pack Omega, and my father was such a wonderful guy he never figured it out either.

[InvisibleTouch]

3. Designated villain isn't necessarily the omega...

...it's the person who's perceived to have so much power that they're able to have a negative effect on everyone else. Of course that negative effect often comes from the perception, not the actual state; for instance my mother used to get all bent out of shape when I wouldn't go to church or what-not with "the family." Why my presence was needed in order for her to enjoy something she wanted to do, I have never been able to figure out.

Each situation is different, of course. Isn't it nice that we're (presumably) the hell out of there by now? :)

[Tyler Durden]

5. And they keep trying to suck you back in...

Like their lives aren't complete enough without you to kick around.

But yeah, it's one of those little things that make paying extra for caller ID worth every penny.

[InvisibleTouch]

7. That they do!

I'm very independent, but I still often feel like I have to pull their hooks out of my flesh.

[Tyler Durden]

11. My SO helps to keep my "self worth" up enough to not get conned.

We were invited to a "brunch" in another city...the rest of the family is getting rooms, laying out megacash we don't have to waste. She took the call and said to my brother, "No thanks. Saturday morning is when Tom and I like to play!"

She is so freaking cool.

[NewWaveChick1981]

2. On my side of the family, my brother.

:shrug: Mom wanted to make him the villain because he's gay and because he's always done his own thing. My sister and I don't see him that way, but Mom did for a long time. My mom and dad have been divorced since I was 16 (that was 1979), and for a while I think Mom wanted to blame him for everything that went wrong, but I've never seen him as a villain.

Now....about my husband's side of the family... My mother-in-law (his mother) is the villain. Always has been and always will be.

[InvisibleTouch]

4. Well, some villains really ARE villains...

...but others are just convenient scapegoats. Sounds like you've seen both.

[kwassa]

6. also known as "the identified patient" in psychotherapy

the scapegoat, the family member identified as sick or as the problem-maker by the family.

[InvisibleTouch]

9. It would seem to me...

...that a lot of that is projection?

[kwassa]

14. yes, the family is projecting their problems onto the "sick"

individual and are therefore blameless themselves

[raccoon]

27. Also the "family scapegoat" identified as the problem in an alcoholic

or otherwise dysfunctional family.

In my family, as a child I was. I got conscripted.

When someone finds fault with everything you do, there is no incentive to try to do any better.

[no_hypocrisy]

8. Standing up and taking my bows.

Our parents didn't have the best relationship and our father did things the "Army" way (his way, right or wrong). When I challenged him, he would not only punish me, but my siblings as well in an effort to have them "recondition" me for the sake of self-preservation. In order for my parents to avoid resolving their conflicts, their hostility was redirected at me. I understand I was being used, though I don't accept it.

Now that we're older and I'm not useful as family "provocateusse", the nonsense has definitely cut down and my siblings and I shrug our shoulders when we recollect our family history.

[InvisibleTouch]

10. Good that you've taken your bows and moved on.

No sense letting other people define you. That's why I never accepted my own "guilty" verdict, either.

[no_hypocrisy]

15. You can be proud of your self knowledge. Not a lot of people

can escape their limitations and definitions as prescribed by their families.

:toast:

[ThomCat]

12. That's me in my family.

From the day I came out, I've been a family outcast. Getting hurt and becoming disabled only made it worse. Being outspoken and liberal sealed my fate.

My entire family thinks I'm an evil freak of nature.

:shrug:
Fuck 'em.

[InvisibleTouch]

13. Indeed.

Sounds like the problem is theirs, not yours. Your last two words are the right attitude. :)

[no_hypocrisy]

16. There's always hope ThomCat.

I was a virtual pariah in my family. Whenever I opened my mouth, my sister and brother would mouth "Uh oh!". My sister requested that I "behave" myself at her weddding -- nine months in advance. It was all hype. I am outspoken and I disagreed where warranted.

My sister and brother came around after our mother died. They took a good hard look at our father and how he was using me to take the attention off himself as he manipulated the family as he pleased. They have a better understanding of the family dynamics and I'm not viewed as the "family troublemaker" anymore. (I'm not mad at them. They just couldn't see it from their perspective as they feared the wrath of our father to be willing to go along with whatever he said.)

You may have to wait, but it's possible you will be restored your family.

[Raven]

17. My older brother...a sociopath if there ever was one. n/t

[Burma Jones]

18. It used to be me...then I got married to an incredibly kind woman, had beautiful kids

and I got a Doctorate.....

Now, the family villain is either my Sister-In-Law or my Mother......

I was an insufferable arrogant jerk until I got to be about 30.......

[raccoon]

28. Were you a Republican until you got to be about 30? nt

[Aristus]

19. My father's mother.

My mother once said that my paternal grandmother was "The most evil human being" she'd ever met.

I had never thought of her that way until I was an adult. She was a heavy drinker and smoker, did both around me and my sibs when she was supposed to be babysitting us. She scolded us loudly for asking her not to smoke around us. She treated my Dad and his sister like dirt and had used them as pawns in an endless battle with my paternal grandfather (who was her 2nd of seven or eight husbands)

We once went to visit her, and found ourselves packing and leaving the day after our arrival. She and my Dad had had a fight, the nature of which I never learned, and my Dad packed us off home.

She was not a pleasant human being. But her final husband (oddly enough, one of the sweetest men who ever lived) died of grief and a broken heart three months after her own death. Well, there's someone for everyone, I guess.

[QMPMom]

20. I was until my bio-so-called-mother died. She made sure that

everything bad that ever happened to her - before and after I was born - became my fault. She made me very happy, and released me from my title of family villain, by dying 26 years ago.

[philosophie_en_rose]

21. Cousin Bumblefuck

He's not an outcast in the sense that anyone is mean to him, but he is definitely surly and odd. His hair makes Sanjaya Malakar look prim. His joblessness and moochiness know no bounds. His mean spirited comments to our older aunties are simply unacceptable. His ability to ruin family occasions is thwarted only by the cheeriness of said aunties.

I just don't like him. I admit it. He likes to call children stupid and women fat. Luckily, he lives far from everyone else.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

22. I had the Smothers Brothers' problem.

Remember the routine where Dick tells Tom, "Mom always liked you best."

I had an older sister. Mom would pull out a picture of what she called her "beautiful, smart and obedient daughter".

It was our beautiful collie dog.

My sister and I were smart and beautiful, but Mom liked the Dog best.


BlehhhH!!!!

I'm the only one left alive out of all those characters. My sister and I had no sibling rivalry, my mom was doing the shit stirring with the dog.

After my sister and the Dog died, and I had a child, then Mom decided that her grandchild was absolutely perfect and walked on water, and that I was just a horrible daughter, for no reason other than her senility and Alzheimer's. She got unbearable. It's taken us four years just to get the house more or less cleaned out.

[u4ic]

23. Most likely me

Seriously dysfunctional family, though it may not be apparent to 'outsiders' - one means well but still has lots of control issues, the others don't mean well, or don't care...and when one (me) heals and moves on it upsets the applecart.

The villain's title deferred to me when my sh*t disturber of an (older) sister (who decides these things, and others follow), decided that my father (the real villain) isn't quite so villanous anymore because he's in his 80's, and more importantly, may die soon (or so she's hoping, to grab what small inheritance he may have). :wtf: I think I need a vulture smilie...

That same sister has serious control issues (I don't fall into her silly traps, but a couple of other siblings do) and also around aging (which she can't control)...and with me being 12 years younger than her - the youngest of all...I've seen jealousy rear its ugly head every time I've had dealings with her. Overtly, covertly...doesn't matter. As long as she gets her 'digs' in.

So I am the family outcast as of now...but I really don't think it would bother me if I never saw them again..

[Big Pappa]

24. Me

I was a terror.

[murielm99]

25. They tried to make me

the family scapegoat. Or at least, my mother tried, and everyone else was supposed to follow her lead. That shit has been going on at least since I was twelve.

I refused to accept the role. My middle brother, who has had a lot of therapy, recognized what was happening. My younger brother is too smart to fall for it. That leaves my dad, who is very weak-willed.

The odd thing is, I have lived my life much more according to their values than either of my brothers have. One of them is in the closet. The other is divorced, and has an arrest record. I have been married for 28 years, and my kids are educated professionals. My brother's kids are good people, but not successful in the way my parents can brag about.

My mother has been abusive and a chronic liar her whole life. I avoid her as much as possible. When she dies, I will go to the funeral just to make sure she is dead.

[InvisibleTouch]

26. And on the topic of disconnecting/escape:

To all those who have said things along the lines of "I wouldn't care if I never saw them again," "I was set free when they died," etc., I totally hear you. I don't think it's obligatory to keep in touch with people and pay them some kind of homage and let them walk all over you, just because they're blood relatives. If our original families didn't value us, we should feel no compunction about leaving them behind and growing up to create our own.

Thanks all, for sharing your experiences!