If a friend of yours is going to get married really soon, would you be honest with her?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

and tell her you think shes making a huge mistake?

the wedding has mostly been paid for.

on edit: she is a relatively new friend of mine. if i had known her for a long time, i would not hesitate.

[Nicole]

1. No, I would not.

Never again.

I did that once about 30 years ago and I lost one of my best friends because of it.

The marriage lasted less than 6 months so I was right.

ETA:
We did rekindle the friendship about a year later. However it has never been the same. I'm still guarded when I talk to her about certain subjects.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. i told my best friend she was being stupid. i was right. but we are still friends.

this particular person is not very close to me. but some of the things i have heard about her fiance is quite shocking.

:hi:

[Nicole]

6. Well we were younger then.

We were both teens then, she got married at 18. So I probably didn't use the right words. I think I told her she was fucking nuts if she married that sorry asshole. :rofl:

We are still friends now but not best friends anymore.

:hi:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

7. ahh i see. thats kinda funny.

[flvegan]

3. Honesty and friendship go hand in hand, regardless.

I wouldn't be so blunt as to say anyone was "making a huge mistake" but I'd certainly let my friend know my concerns.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

4. thanks. i think i will. as i said, we arent very close, if we were i would not hesitiate

honestly thought if we were close, i probably would have told her earlier than a month before her wedding.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

5. someone needs to break the tie.

[lizerdbits]

8. I'm staying out of my cousin's upcoming wedding

We're not super close since she grew up a couple thousand miles away but now lives about 50 miles away. Her fiance is a RW asshole and comes across to me as arrogant and selfish. I see it as she's 33 and needs to have kids now if she wants some and this is the first guy who's got a good paying job and isn't early 20's. But I suppose he has some redeeming qualities that I'm not aware of.

You didn't say why you think it's a mistake. Is it because you think the guy is a jerk? Do you see a potential personality conflict?

Edit: If I said anything there could be family issues so I'm not.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

10. both, person she is marrying is a jerk, called her a whore,

has isolated her from all her friends and they seem to constantly be fighting.

[lizerdbits]

13. Seems likely to escalate into physical abuse

Dated a guy like that. Went from being controlling to name calling after accusing me of doing things I didn't do to physical abuse. I'd vote for saying something.

[CBHagman]

40. The mention of isolating her set off warning bells.

Take this with a grain of salt, as I do not know the people involved, but efforts to isolate the woman are one indicator that the man is an abuser.

On edit: Perhaps you could frame it as being concerned about his behavior towards her, as opposed to making generalizations about him as a person or her decision-making skills.

Good luck to you and your friend.

[dembotoz]

9. after it was all said and done

and we knew the result was less than wonderful
several friends told me they thought i was being stupid when i got married, but did they say anything?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I probably would not have listened, but maybe just maybe i might have

[La Lioness Priyanka]

11. well i hinted that this might not maybe be the best time for a wedding

but she keeps saying that they have already spent thousands of dollars on it./

[grace0418]

31. I was going to tell you not to say anything until I read this...

"but she keeps saying that they have already spent thousands of dollars on it."

If she really has said this multiple times it sounds like she's having doubts herself and is concerned about all the money involved and disappointing whomever spent that money (her parents?). She doesn't say "He drives me crazy but I love him so much" or "It really upset me when he did xyz but in every other way we are perfect for each other."

Maybe if she says it again you can say "You know, being worried about money being spent on a wedding is not a good enough reason to get married. If you're not ready, or if you have any doubts, maybe you should think twice. Everyone just wants you to be happy and they'll understand. Losing a few thousand dollars now is much easier than going through an unhappy marriage and a lengthy divorce down the road. Trust me."

[Generic Brad]

12. Nope

Although you may be right, speaking your mind will only lose you a friend. The heart wants what it wants and no one can tell it otherwise. However, if you know for a fact that her future spouse has cheated on her during the engagement, you have a moral obligation to let her know even if it costs you a friendship.

That's my two cents.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

15. nope, far as i know he has not cheated on her. doesnt really seem the type.

[AlCzervik]

14. if you aren't that close then why do you think it's a mistake?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

16. well because she talks about it a lot, this is some i see atleast 4 times a week.

so while we havent known each other for a long time. i have heard enough of the details to think this is a mistake.

her fiance called her a whore. she has no friends left, since she was engaged. shes very young. the fiance was reallly rude to her mother/parents/family/friends.

[AlCzervik]

19. well thats not cool of him and she shouldn't let herself be treated like that, i understand

your concern but even if you did tell her she probably wouldn't change her mind, she sounds really insecure or she's suffering from really low self esteem. Sad all the way around. People treat us the way we let them, you know what i mean?

[Lil Missy]

17. No. It would make any difference in the outcome anyway.

And no offense to you, but it's really a bit presuptuous.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

18. its not really presumptious. i hear about their lives everyday.

i havent known her long, but i see her all the time. and hear about her fiance all the time.

[Blue-Jay]

20. I wouldn't say anything. No way.

Three reasons:

1) I've been known to be wrong once or twice. (ONCE or TWICE!)

2) My own mistakes have made me the person that I am today. I'm far from perfect, but I'm a lot better than I used to be. Any friend of mine deserves that same opportunity.

3) I'm not going to risk a friendship because I don't care for my friend's spouse.

True story: My good friend (a band-brother) married a woman that I HATED a few years ago. Can't stand her. In retrospect, they have been good for each other, in ways that I won't detail. My support of their marriage (or lack of opening my fat yap) strengthened my friendship with my bro, and I'm also now friendly (not friends) with his wife. They're both doing very well, and I was wrong.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

21. excellent point. i had never thought of it this way..

in my head it was either be honest or lie. i guess respecting her choices is a good alternative way to think about it.

[Blue-Jay]

23. I know that you want to do the best for your friend.

Everyone needs an honest friend like you. Still....

If you're wrong, you'll have not alienated a valued friend.

If you're right, you'll be around to do what friends are for: That is, precisely, be there for them when they need a friend.

"Friends" generally don't like you because of your tendency for brutal honesty. In fact brutally honest people tend to not have a lot of friends. Friends really want support: Good decisions, bad decisions.... They want to know that you support them, regardless of any situation that they might screw up.

Now... (and here's the hard part) maybe you should let your friend know that you have some reservations, but do it in a way that she realizes that you're concerned for her, but not attacking her loved one. If you can't figure out how to walk that tightrope, then just don't mention it, as every situation is different.

[jobycom]

22. Be there for her.

I've read the other discussions, sounds like she is marrying a potentially abusive (emotionally, at least) person that she is having doubts about. I'd say hang out with her, try to casually bring up your disapproval (like, if she starts complaining again, say something like "I don't know what you see in him sometimes"), and see how she responds. If she's going through with it no matter what, you won't help her by alienating her, so there's no point pushing it. If she has concerns, she may be looking for the courage and/or permission to back out (just as you are now asking our permission to get involved). Maybe you're the one to give her that courage/permission. Either try to emphasize your opinion then, or plan a formal one-on-one intervention, depending on what you think would impress her the most.

Don't wait too long, since your suggestions might take a bit of time to sink in.

Either way, you may lose the friendship over it. If she puts up with abuse from him as it is, she may be the type who needs someone to tell her what to do, so she can blame them instead of herself. She might break up with him, then blame you. Depends on whether you want her as a friend, or just to make a good decision.

The other problem, of course, is that if she's going to pick this type of guy this time, the next one will probably be similar, so who knows what good you will do.

If her other friends have the same opinion, maybe you should plan a group intervention. I wouldn't suggest everyone jumping on her and telling her she should break it off, but you could tell her your concerns, tell her you want her to be sure she's making the right choice, and then let her know you support her even if you think she's making a wrong choice.

Just my thoughts. Useless and wrong, probably. You're the one who knows her.

[Critters2]

24. After my divorce, SOOOO many people

told me they never thought the slug and I were a good match. Some even said they worried about my safety. I really wish they had raised these issues before the wedding. I was IN LOVE...and my clock was ticking. I was not thinking rationally, but if some good friends had shared their worries, I might have. Might not have. But I would've listened.

YMMV.

[Blue-Jay]

25. If you were in "LOVE", you probably wouldn't have listened to them anyway.

[Critters2]

26. Maybe. BUt it was frustrating to hear their "I saw that coming"s after the fact. nt

[Blue-Jay]

27. Sure it was frustrating.

Would you have changed your mind, though? I think not.

A few "I told you so's" are better than an alienated friend. Irritating, sure, but at least your friends proved that they trusted and supported you.

[Critters2]

28. Look, I hate it when you're right!!

But I do love the squirrel.

[struggle4progress]

29. Only if (1) she asked unprompted for my advice and (2) indicated she did ...

... want an honest answer after I replied Don't ask me unless you really want to know what I think, cuz I'll tell you -- in which case, I would try to frame a response that said something like Well, I feel uncomfortable about (one specific detail).

Otherwise, I ain't be going there. I still might, under some circumstance, brightly and cheerfully ask a few accurate questions. For example, if the soon-to-be spouse-of-new-friend has gang ink, I'd ask something like Hey, when did teardrops move outta gang culture?. Or if soon-to-be spouse-of-new-friend's previous spouse moved away to Tibet but for some reason left dentures and eyeglasses behind soaking in a vat of sulfuric acid, I might try striking up a conversation along the lines of, "So does (so-and-so) still clean eyeglasses in a barrel of acid?"

[dropkickpa]

30. In this situation right now

My BFF, who has a REALLY bad track record with men, announced to me a month ago "I'm getting married!!". Thing is, just 6 months ago she broke up with yet another asshole. So in less than 3 months she starts dating and gets engaged to a guy? Oh yeah, I only met him after the announcement. Something ain't right here, it just ain't right, I have a bad feeling. I think she deserves more than anyone I know to be happy. But I just don't know. She met the guy at church (she is a fundy, but I love her).

She has NEVER listened to me when it comes to relationships, so even if I were to say something she'd ignoe it and probably resent me. I have no idea what to do.

[LibDemAlways]

32. I wish someone had talked some sense into my

sister-in-law before she said "I do" to a loser who had left his previous wife when she was pregnant with their 4th child. He was a real scumbag. Everyone in the family knew it, but no one said anything. Sure enough, it didn't last long and by the time it was over she would have given him anything just to be rid of him.

Sometimes, though, the bride or groom knows they are about to make a big mistake but do it anyway. On the day before his wedding my cousin told his mom, my aunt, that he didn't want to go through with it, but he felt obligated to because calling it off at the last minute would break his fiancee's heart and he couldn't do that to her. So they tied the knot and not long after he walked out. She was going to be devastated either way, but I think he took the coward's way out.

If you believe you have a solid reason for thinking this upcoming marriage is a mistake, tell her and be specific as to why you think so. She can certainly chose to ignore you, but you just might be providing some important food for thought.

[bridgit]

33. what has left you with the impression they are making a mistake...

and a huge one at that?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

35. I dont think your future spouse calling you a whore and alienating you from you friends and relative

is a good sign

[bridgit]

41. in american culture, and perhaps in some neighborhoods even sadder still...

such interaction is seen as too commonly accepted; in too many cases such antics connote forms of codependency which can be a whole other brand of sorrow...but it has been the case that from time to time that such folks need, love, or understand one other for a host of reasons known, and likely only understood by themselves i.e.

our gay friends say some of the rudest, sometimes cruelest things to one another that can be said, at least to our ears; but in an attempt to come between we are both well aware that our eyes would be scratched out because we've known them for upward of 12+ years and recognize their rhythms & symbols of love

are you sure it isn't the case, i should say, that they aren't in the process of seeking their own level so as to speak?

[philosophie_en_rose]

65. I see.

I don't think you would be remiss in saying something about that behavior, maybe casually at first.

"wow. That was a harsh comment." or to him --> "you must be joking."


Better yet, disagree with everything he says about her.

"She looks like a whore." --> "Well, I think she looks lovely."

"You're so stupid" (to her) --> "Actually, I really admire how insightful you can be." (lie, if necessary :))

One of the reasons there are so many asshats in the world is that people don't want to "that person." But even if you argue with her and she cuts you off, she might remember that you were right someday and seek you out for support.

[Skittles]

34. nope, I would not

just be there to help her pick up the pieces when it falls apart

[billyskank]

36. I would not dare do that.

[gbate]

37. No way. Even in many years from now, if you are still friends I'd keep my mouth shut.

I have a friend who has been married almost as long as I have (about 20yrs) She married a guy who was totally wrong for her and continues to be a jerk even today. There is nothing anyone can say to her to convince her otherwise. It's sad that she believes God doesn't believe in divorce so she's stuck with him. He is an abusive, cheating, lying ass and it hurts me to see my friend have to deal with this year after year after year.

[SmokingJacket]

38. No -- you might be wrong.

Other people's marriages are a huge mystery.

[electron_blue]

39. depends... if she's being abused, then yes. Otherwise no.

[bettyellen]

42. i had a close friend i regretted saying nothing to, many years and a divorce later she wishes

someone had sad something to her. i had assumed someone had because everyone hated him, at the time i was a bit out of the loop anfd her fiance really diskijked me, so i thought i was the wrong person to say it.

[skygazer]

43. I certainly wouldn't word it like that

No one likes to be told they're making a huge mistake - it sounds very much like the person telling them that is saying that they're not capable of making their own decisions, makes them extremely defensive and blocks any kind of sensible discussion from happening.

If I was to say anything, I'd say I was concerned about the way her fiance treats her but I'd be hesitant to do that with a close friend, let alone a relatively new one. It's altogether possible that you're wrong.

People often say they wish someone had warned them about this guy or that girl but very seldom when it actually happens does the person in question react with anything other than anger and irritation.

[bigwillq]

44. I wouldn't say anything

because she's a new friend and with new friends you probably don't know her as well as a long-time friend.

I feel a closer friend or family member needs to tell her this, if they feel the same way.

I would go to the wedding, eat, get drunk and enjoy yourself.

This is a mistake she needs to find out on her own.

[Book Lover]

45. I think you should seriously consider it

My sister went through a 7-month marriage because none of us in the family were able to grow a set of ovaries and tell her that she was making a mistake. Afterward, she thanked us for supporting her but asked us to not restrain ourselves in the future. Obviously, this person isn;t as close as a sibling, but I think you should seriously consider saying something.

[salin]

46. Reverse the roles

she is the friend, and you are the one getting married.

Would you want to hear this? What would it take for you to actually "hear" what she is saying, in a way that would give you pause? How would you react - view it as interference or as a life-saver being thrown, or could it have the opposite effect of us (future spouse and I) against everyone who is critical?

Sometimes trying to apply heavy empathy not only to the situation, but to possible outcomes can provide the best guidance.

[Rhythm]

47. I turned down the invite for my best guy-pal's wedding after...

...meeting the bride-to-be. I simply couldn't stand to watch a train-wreck in progress.

He'd known his fiance' for years, and had been infatuated with her since day one.

When he brought her to visit (a couple of months before the wedding date), I found her boorish, controlling, and rude, but i knew that nothing i said would change his mind, because he thought he'd hit the lottery when she said 'yes'. All my comments would have done would be to drive a wedge in our long-time friendship.

Their marriage lasted less than a year, and in that time she threw him out twice, then cheated on him.

He and i are still friends, and we've talked about this a few times. I even finally told him WHY i didn't come to the wedding in the first place. In hindsight, he agreed with me.

[dysfunctional press]

48. why do you think that her marriage is a mistake?

nt

[La Lioness Priyanka]

58. her fiance called her a whore, she has no close friends left etc

now hes being rude to her family, putting her in a position to chose him or them.

[Missy Vixen]

49. Absolutely not

Someone I'd known since we were in fourth grade decided to "warn" me the month before my wedding. I've never spoken to her again. The "warning" was the last straw in a long string of incidents with this person.

The best thing to do is to let the friend make her own decisions.

Julie

[GalleryGod]

55. I Agree with Julie. No Way. and how presumptuous anyway .

Heed the "Hands Off, Nose Out" advice.

[davsand]

50. I think I would say something --but do it carefully.

I agree with you that this does sound an awful lot like maybe she has some doubts about the marriage.

I think that if it was my friend, I'd probably have a quiet talk with her and I'd just start by asking her what is it that she values about this man and what makes her want to live with him forever.

If she has some pretty good answers (much to your shock) then by all means tell her that you wish her well and you had felt that maybe she had doubts and you wanted to follow up on that rather than let it slide. Make sure she knows you value her and her happiness...

If she says she hasn't a clue why she's marrying the man and that she's worried about the cash invested in this wedding already, you might want to offer up the observation that kids and divorces cost a lot of money too--with even MORE emotional costs than simply canceling a wedding.

I do not envy your position, but I also probably couldn't sit there and let it go unremarked either.

Keep us updated on what you do and how it goes--ok?


Laura

[militaryspouse]

51. People

won't and don't learn from mistakes unless they make them, themselves. Generally speaking. Also the things you've 'heard' may not all be true. We all know how gossip works.

[JVS]

52. No way.

You say something, she listens to you, then regrets it = she'll think you fucked her over

[ScreamingMeemie]

53. No way...no how...even if I had known her from birth...even if she was

my sister. None of us can ever truly say we know what goes on in the relationship between two people.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

56. i firmly disagree with you on this one. if she were my friend from birth i would tell her.,

my best friend nearly married an abusive asshole, thanks to some intervention from us all she didnt. what kind of a childhood best friend would i be to not atleast point point out an abusive pattern.

[ScreamingMeemie]

59. You did not say anything about abuse in the original post. If I knew

a friend was being abused, saw it...that would be different, but that's not what you posted. Thank you.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

60. i was just giving examples under which i would tell a friend that their choices are stupid/unhealthy

etv

[ScreamingMeemie]

63. And I was answering. As you stated it in your OP, I wouldn't get involved

as it is none of my business. Now, if abuse/crime were involved, that is a different story entirely.

[philosophie_en_rose]

54. It depends on your reasons.

If he's unfunny or just not right for her, I'd hold my tongue. She likes him, which should be good enough.

If he treats her badly or you know something she doesn't know, I would carefully bring it up.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

57. its the latter.

i dont have any personal feelings toward her fiance.

[Writer]

61. So six years ago my brother-in-law married the Succubus...

I mean, she's a raving bitch. But she's relatively nicer to him because (as we've figured) he's a "lifestyle" ticket. My brother in law is an arrogant person, so any mention to him before the wedding and after (my in laws have not held back) about his choice only emboldened him more to marry her and stick with her, although he definitely deals with her bitchiness from time to time.

My advice: Stay out.

[SammyWinstonJack]

62. Do her a favor and tell her. Since she is a relatively new friend, it won't hurt that much if she

disses you over your advice. And if she heeds your advice, you might become life long friends.

[Bridget Burke]

64. It sounds as though she's already discussing the matter....

So--continue listening. Ask a few gentle questions. Let her talk about it &--maybe--think about it.

Do jump on her comment about the money already spent. Rumor has it that Diana found about Prince Charles' ongoing relationship with Camilla just before the wedding. (I don't think the "affair" was active--but she was still #1 for him.) Diana had doubts, but friends & family pointed out that the wedding was a very big thing--it was "too late" to cancel.

[zanne]

66. ALL you can do is say...

"Congratulations"