Best way to handle people who make you feel uneasy?

[militaryspouse]

Since the internet makes for a small world I'll leave out the details. But wanted to get some feedback from mixed company not just women. There is this guy who is really OLD, he makes me VERY uncomfortable. I see him anywhere from 2-4 times a week. Everytime I see him he gives those long and tight hugs. The kind where you try to let go and he's still hanging on for dear life. At first I thought that's just how he was(since he's very nice) but lately it has been making me feel uncomfortable bc it no longer feels innocent. I've had this feeling with other men before, and it turned out my 'suspicions' were correct.

However, I don't want to be one of those chicks who look for things that aren't there or imagine things, but I can't shake this eerie feeling when he appraoches me. I've tried pretending like I don't see him, but he'll go out of his way to get my attn. I try to put my hand out, to shake his hand instead, but he still grabs me.

Is it rude just to straight up say..'please don't hug me'?

[SPKrazy]

1. i'd say follow your gut

it doesn't lie

and you have a right to say don't hug me, there is no right to hug in America

and if he creeps you out, tell him you don't want to be hugged, tell him you don't like hugs?

but yeah, you don't have to be hugged if you don't want to be and if he creeps you out, don't let yourself be creeped

:hi:

welcome to DU!

[hfojvt]

13. no right to hug??? no right to hug??

Why do we even have a bill of rights then? :cry:

Of course, for me, since I am the psychic equivalent of a porcupine, I do not have this problem.

[SPKrazy]

16. You have a right to ask for a hug!

and to hug those that want hugs, but no, there is no right to hug!

psychic equivalent of a porcupine? :pals:

hey there buddy! we gotcher back man!

[TZ]

2. This is a form of sexual harrassment

So no, its not rude to ask not to be hugged. There are friendly hugs but this sounds like a form of groping to me. I can tell the difference between them, I have had both....

[SPKrazy]

3. yeah i agree with you

there are hugs and there are "hugs" and guys know which are which, trust me on that one.

now some guys may not know how to give another type of hug, but they know what they are doing, i'm betraying my gender here, but so what! sexual harassment sucks!

[militaryspouse]

4. OK

Looks like I'm not being paranoid after all. Thanks. I'll just feel bad if he isn't 'that way' and I hurt his feelings.

[LostinVA]

5. "The Gift of Fear"

a book by Gavin de Becker. He says women have excellent instincts, but often ignore them, because of not wanting to be "I don't want to be one of those chicks who look for things that aren't there or imagine things." I also know the difference between hugs. If you feel creeped out, you have reason to. The best thing to do is either tell the guy, have your husband do it, or "body block" him in such a way that he can't hug you. If he gets pissed, too damned bad., It's your body.

As another poster said, this is sexual harassment, and amybe even something more than that.

[Bunny]

15. Word!

:thumbsup:

[LostinVA]

Thanks!

[KitchenWitch]

33. A most excellent book recommendation

Every woman should read it.

[MichiganVote]

6. Creepy. Try the direct route, I'm in favor of hand shaking fella

If he gets uncomfortable-ok but too bad. If he gets pissed-your gut has been right and you need to quit making excuses for him.

[Breeze54]

7. Old guys get horney too!

Tell him to fuck off.

[skygazer]

8. It's not rude at all to be up front

And don't worry about hurting the guy's feelings. You're not telling him you think he's a pervert - you're simply saying, with a smile, "You know, I really prefer to shake hands. I'm not the hugging type of person."

If he takes offense at that, it's his problem. You've already tried to fend him off - it sounds like he's the one being rude.

Age is no excuse.

[KitchenWitch]

35. Actually it would be better to leave off the "I am not the huggy sort" part

He does not need to know that, and if he ever saw you hug someone else, that could blow up in your face.

[Left Is Write]

9. No, it's not rude to tell him you don't want to hug him or be hugged.

[Monk06]

10. If he ain't your daddy and ain't your boyfriend ..... he ain't welcome.

[datasuspect]

11. that reminds me of aa meetings

[militaryspouse]

12. ..

Funny thing is. I brought this up at another place and all of them said, he probably doesn't mean any harm, or maybe he doesn't know whats acceptable and what not. Umm hello..I thought older men were more old fashioned in how they said 'hello' to women.

Aye, i just hate feeling like I'm being mean to an elderly person.

[hippywife]

14. Maybe to start out with...

you could make it a little joke like kidding him about it being too much. And then follow that up with a "No, really!" Be gentle, be kind. If he doesn't take the hint then have a little private heart to heart with him. Put the burden on yourself explaining to him that you aren't that demonstrative a person and it makes you uncomfortable. That way you can address the issue and still preserve his dignity. There's really no need to hurt his feelings right off the bat without addressing this diplomatically.

Good luck. You seem like a sensitive person so I'm sure you will address it without resorting to being mean. :hi:

[Breeze54]

18. Hey? The other night I went to the lounge @ AMVETS

and this much older guy (75? - married too!) saw me in the parking lot and even though
he and I have talked before and he asked me out (ugh!) he 'pretended' to hug me and then;
slapped the make on me! GROSS!!!! I RAN to my car after telling him; "No way Charlie!" :rofl:
The guy is rich and a huge flirt! He met me at a victory party for a local Dem election
and he helped me with about 100 signs on wooden stakes that night, (I worked for the campaign)
in the rain. I guess he never forgot me but he has a wife and he's old... and he's smart like a fox.
Don't let the gray hair fool you. Men are men! ;)

[militaryspouse]

24. ..

no he's in his 40's

[hippywife]

37. How old are you?

I got news for you, and you're probably not going to beleive it until you get there or at least close to it, someone in their forties isn't old by a long shot!

[Danger Mouse]

17. That's kind of unsettling.

I'm a guy, but I find something fundamentally creepy about that. Just tell him you don't like to hug, you'd rather shake hands, or whatever...so as not to hurt his feelings. If he persists, then lay down the law. You feel uncomfortable, clearly, and whether he has good intentions or not, he has no right to make you feel uncomfortable.

[RedCappedBandit]

19. Not rude, follow your instincts.

[Catfight]

20. Simply say, "please be a gentleman and ask me if you can hug me."

I have this guy friend that has a creep factor to him, he's rather large and he has no idea how much he hurts when he does hug me (when I let him) he squeezes hard. During that time of the month, if freakin' hurts the breast! But I know I'm not responsible for his feelings, just mine, so I don't always hug him. It's my call and I never had to say a word. Take a large step back when he lunges for you. I'm with the intuition on this, not trusting your instincts gives the wrong message to yourself. If you're creeped, you're being safe. Put your arm straight out against his chest from you, stop him in his tracks, and extend your hand. Gentleman don't impale themselves on ladies, he doesn't have manners, so teach him. I bet some other women will thank you for waking his lack of social skills. Trust you on this! Don't waste time stressing over this man, you're so much better than that.

[LeftyFingerPop]

21. Here's what I would do...

The next time he hugs you, knee him in the balls as hard as you can. When he bends over from the pain, take two fingers on your right hand and poke him in the eyes, while simultaneously making the Three Stooges "woo woo woo woo" sound.

He won't hug you ever again.

You're welcome.

[barb162]

32. Hahaha!

I bet she's already imagining doing that.

[AlCzervik]

22. Just because he's old doesn't mean he gets a pass. Err on the side of caution.

my landscaper or i should say my former landscaper used to work at the same company as my husband but he left to start his own business, so we needed some work done and we hired him---big, big mistake. For one he was a close talker, right up there in my face and he was very demonstrative, i am not, with my husband and kid yes, anyone else---not. I felt really uncomfortable around him and to quote Cher from Clueless, every time i was around him i felt "An overwhelming sense of icky" so i tell my husband and he says "You know he called me and said i had a hot wife" to which i replied "Eeewwwww" and that was that, he called a few weeks later and i told him we were all set, thanks so much, bye bye and promptly changed out phone number.

[LeftyFingerPop]

23. Now for a serious answer...

A very quick statement like....Hey Joe...I've never been the huggy type...I much prefer to shake hands....OK?"

[barb162]

34. Good advice. A lot of times these old f----s bear hug young women

but not older women. He's probably gettings off doing it.

[Tyler Durden]

25. Knee in the 'nads.

Just feeling "feisty" today.

Kidding.

This guy REALLY old? alone? lonely? etc? We all get odder as we age, me for example, but if he doesn't grope, maybe you're one of the few actual human contacts this person has left. Not that you should be feeling grateful or anything, but you might be doing a big time emotional public service.

[militaryspouse]

26. ..

LOL, I was kidding about the age 40,but he is in his 70's and he's a widow. I've noticed he only does this to the younger women. The first week I knew him he said that he got in trouble at work( you know those "that place" that still hires the elderly part time, mainly b/c it's an easy job and they are dependable) for being too huggy with the female employees. He told me the women weren't bothered by it, but mgmt was. He said that it made him mad , and said something along the lines of him being an old guy and that he would never do something inapropriate like that. This is when I wasn't suspicious of him. Now I wonder why he told me that story to begin with.

I don't feel physically threatened by him. I'm not a power house,or big by any means(he's twice my size) but I'm sure I could take him down if I had to, course I know it would never go that far.

[Tyler Durden]

27. Met some sad old guys in the Navy hospitals.

Nothing on earth sadder than an 80 year old vet, all alone nobody ever visits. I think they "target" younger women because they remember their wives/daughters/etc and it's emotionally comforting. I never want to be that alone in the world.

If I ever become that guy, kill me.

[militaryspouse]

28. y

Yea,guess it's weird learning that the elderly still have a sex drive

[militaryspouse]

29. ..

Sorry, i hope that wasn't mean.

[Skittles]

30. kick his ass

or at the very least, tell him you are not a touch feely person and please desist with the bear hugs

[caty]

31. When I was

eleven years old, I was in the elevator at a major department store with my mother. Suddenly I felt a hand squeezing my butt. I turned around and the man who was doing this looked to be in his 80's. It goes to show that molesters come in all shapes, sizes, genders, and ages. If this man is hugging you against your will, you are being molested. At the least he is violating your personal space.

You have the right come right out and say "no" the next time he approaches you. You have the right to protect yourself from the discomfort he is making you feel. If he is offended, perhaps that feeling will cause him to ask before he puts another woman through this.

[barb162]

36. "Is it rude just to straight up say..'please don't hug me'?"

Yeah, a bit. Just say, "If you don't mind, I'd prefer shaking hands." Then extend your hand and stand as far back from him as you can and if he makes a move toward you, move farther back.