please indulge me- I have to whine for a minute.

[Ariana Celeste]

I have to get up in a few hours to go to court, again, which will accomplish nothing, again, I'm sure. But I can't sleep, because I'm too stressed out. I had a horrible panic attack last week, and small waves of them on and off since. I've been dealing with panic attacks since I was a young teen, so that's nothing new. I've had times in my life where they were frequent, other times where it seemed like they were gone for good. Needless to say, I just had one a short while ago- small, quick, and relatively painless- but I'm on edge because of it, wide awake, and afraid of another one.

For the last 3.5 years I've lived a fairly reclusive life, haven't held a job (unless you count the few hrs a week grounds keeping for my apt. complex), rarely go out and do anything and have very few friends in the area. I still had the occasional panic attack, but kept myself either high or drunk so often that I wasn't really capable of panicking. (Self medication, for depression, anxiety, who the hell really knows for sure.) I've managed to avoid crises, and by staying home damned near all the time avoided social situations that may trigger an attack or put me in a situation that I couldn't control.

3.5 yrs may not sound like a lot, but keep in mind- I just turned 22.

Then the man I live with decides he wants to grow mushrooms, shit happens, our apt gets searched and I find myself sitting in a jail cell. Facing 4 felony charges and 2 misdemeanors. I was fortunate enough that his mother was able to come up with the $5000 to bail me out, and since then I've been seeing a lawyer, going to court, blah etc. And I'm going to start probation.... sometime. Who knows when, hopefully it will be the next court date following the one I'm supposed to be resting up for. The closer I get to being put on probation, the worse the stress and panic gets. I'll be forced to face the world. I'll have to keep a job. I will not be able to drink.

I don't know *how* to get a job. As silly as that may sound, I just don't know how. Every job I've had, has been through family or friends. I've only ever been to one interview, and totally botched it. It's not that I can't work- I've worked my ass off at every job I've had. It's getting out there and trying to find one, talking to people, the thought of interviews, that frightens me.

To make matters worse, I'll be trying to find a job with no GED, no diploma, and a Felony D on my record. It's going to be near impossible where I live at now, because I don't have a license or a car- when you don't leave your home you really have no need for that shit. And the main road that will get me to any place that would actually HIRE a person like me, is under construction. So, I have to attempt to get my probation transferred to Tacoma, WA where I can live with my mother (ouch) and be able to catch a bus anywhere I need to go. Well and also because I split up with the guy I'm living with and there's no way I can stay here for long before either he throws me out or I just go batshit insane.

He is an entirely different stressful issue. There are a few other issues, but if I try to get into it all, I'll be writing a novel.

I have no insurance, no money, and no way to get help for my mental issues right now without accepting a handout. My life is completely out of my control right now, and I just don't know what the hell to do.

:cry:

[JVS]

1. you need to find a job through your family

otherwise welcome to the criminal underclass

[Nicole]

2. I'm sorry

your life is so out of control right now.

I hope you can get some rest before the night is over.

:hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

27. thanks :)

I managed a few hours. :D

[Oeditpus Rex]

3. You've got waaaayyyy too much to deal with right now

So take 'em one at a time instead of all at once. First, try to get some sleep, then get up and go to court. Nothing may come of it, again, but at least you'll have that court date behind you.

If you let the panic attacks keep you from doing stuff, eventually you'll stop doing stuff altogether — trust me. So call your county's mental health agency and see what they have to offer in counseling and meds. (Also trust me when I say you can't medicate panic disorder with alcohol. I tried. It'll help you deal for a few hours, but it also gives you something else to freak out about — getting busted.)

You gotta take care of that stuff before you can really get to work on job stuff. A lot of your insecurity about that comes from the rest of the mess you're in.

Above all is what I said first — If you try to deal with all of this at once, it'll make you crazy. It's like trying to clean a really messy house: If you look at the whole thing, you'll feel overwhelmed, so you start with a corner.

I know how hard it is, but you gotta believe it'll eventually be okay.

:hug: :loveya:

[wildhorses]

9. i think oeddie here hase some good advice

i have heard it called taking baby steps, one step at a time. etc...

i also think that moving in with your mother (NOT fun, i understand) until you can 'walk' is a good idea.

good luck today in court and best wishes for a brighter future. GET YOUR GED!!!

:hug::hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

21. You're right.

I'm trying, but you already know that. :)

Once I'm on probation I won't be touching a drop, I'm not about to lose what little freedom I'll have left over temporary drunken 'sanity'. Anthony has offered to pay for me to see a doctor and try to get some meds. I haven't decided yet whether or not to take him up on that. And again, you're right- it doesn't stop it... just calms me down afterwards for a little while and allows me to sleep. I used to be medicated for insomnia- anxiety induced insomnia (funny how they never medicated me for my real problem, just the depression and insomnia it caused). Hopefully if I can get some medication for the anxiety, I won't need 'help' in that department anymore.

:hug: :loveya:

[Skittles]

4. Ariana

I am struck by how articulate you are for someone without a GED. Your post is very well-organized and nicely written. And you recognize your problems and know you need help. It is obvious to me you would have no problem getting a GED - I'd start with that. That few hours groundskeeping you do IS WORK - I live in an apartment and I would not live where the grounds looked like crap so it is important work you're doing. Can you get those hours increased? Maybe find other responsibilities at your complex? I think you need guidance with all your issues - you need to find a counseling service that operates on a sliding fee scale.

[Ariana Celeste]

22. Thank you

I do need to work on my math skills first, but I'm decent when it comes to everything else. :P

There's no chance of getting more hours, I'm afraid... I lost that job a little while back after a full time maintenance guy was hired. Supposedly, it's part of his job description & he can handle it according to the property manager- yet, I see trash everywhere now. Go figure.

[BikeWriter]

5. This sounds rather lame, but I wish you well.

[Ariana Celeste]

23. Thanks

And no, not lame at all. :hug:

[Danger Mouse]

6. That's a lot to bear.

And it seems like it's really hard to know where to begin.
I'm not sure what the best path would be for you to take.
However, I think another poster's advice about taking things one at a time and dealing with issues separately is a good one. Having a felony on your record will make it more difficult to find a job, true, but it won't be impossible. I know living with your mother sounds bad, but if it that's what helps you get on your feet...well, it might be the best thing for you.
Back in 2004 I was in a lot of trouble, too. I fell into a severe bout of depression, was unemployed, and was doing absolutely nothing with my time. At this point, I was living in an appartment in Baltimore with a friend who was away for the summer. As the months wore on, I grew more and more panicked, because I hadn't been paying our rent or bills, I was accumulating massive debts, and I had no idea what to do. In the end, we were nearly evicted, but my mother helped us out and I finally got a job, not anything glamorous, but enough to pay the bills until the lease ran out in November.
After that, I moved back home and got a different job, trying to get my life back in order.
It was difficult. Not having any idea what to do, getting further and further into a hole, and not knowing how to escape it.
It was a nightmare of my own making, and I will never truly forgive myself for it.
So I can somewhat understand what you are going through.
The important thing is NOT to give up hope, because even if it seems hopeless, you will be able to make it.
At the very least...uhm...you can talk to me about it, okay?

[Ariana Celeste]

24. I'll respond to you in PM

after a bit :)

[hippywife]

7. I cannot say that

I've been in the same position as you find yourself or even anything similar. I've only had a misdemeanor pot bust back in the 70's and haven't gotten high or drank for a very long time.

I do know people whose kids have served time for drug offenses and actually served time. They are in the process of rebuilding their lives and doing well even with felony convictions. They aren't working their dream jobs at the moment but are at least working and pulling their lives back together. I know it doesn't make it any easier in the doing but at least there is the knowledge that it can be done. And it didn't happen over night.

I wish you all the best and every possible good outcome but more than that, I wish you the strength you will need to face it all and come out on the other side with all of this as nothing but a bad memory that no longer impacts your daily life in a negative way.

You are so young, and as Skittles mentioned, very articulate. You have the time and the tools at hand. Give yourself the love and opportunity to make them work for you.

:hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

26. that's one thing I can say, I won't be serving time

My lawyer is filing a motion to suppress (or however they put that in legalese) but more then likely I'll just be signing my plea offer on my next court date. It's going to take time but I intend to get my life on track as soon as I can.

Thank you. :hug:

[WritingIsMyReligion]

8. I'm so sorry.

There's not really much you can do besides face the court charges right now, I would think. If you're found guilty, you have a whole 'nother set of problems on your hands and probably won't have to worry about a job, though I'm sure you'd rather worry about the job. :shrug:

I come from a family of goddamnedyankees, where nothing matters so much as working and conquering fears by meeting them head-on. I don't ascribe to this as much as others within my family do, but I think that it's key that you do go out and try to work once the court business is taken care of. If you can't because of panic attacks or whatever, then it's starting to sound psychological.

Dunno, though; I've no experience with drugs or alcohol or the law. But good luck in however you go.

[Ariana Celeste]

29. Oh it's psychological.

I've had 'issues' for 9 years.

I won't be serving time, I'll be getting probation per my plea deal so yeah a job is something I'll have to worry about. Thanks.

[LostinVA]

10. Check your PM

[Ariana Celeste]

30. Done and will respond after a bit

[DarkmoonIkonoklast]

11. Ouch!

   First, dear AC, know that
     a] despite all evidence to the contrary, you are not alone; :hug:
     b] whether or not you think it of use, you have the prayers and candlemagick of many, MANY people, including several you've not met (yet), SOME of whom actually live in the Greater Puget Sound area (not only Seattle Girl!) and some of whom have also tackled panic disorders;
     c) there are ways to get your GED (as bright as you obviously are, you won't need much tutoring!), and then get work;
     d) there are ways to get the courts to actually help you do all of the above!
   It's not "silly" that you've never learned the art(s) of job landing... especially with what seems to be a fear of dealing with people.
   I think you're doing the absolute right thing in getting clear of the guy you're currently with; you need people in your life who are supportive, not people who tear you down... you're making the perfect move by looking to get back to a stable place and begin rebuilding. There are both people and resources in the GPS area... I've no doubt you can and will be an articulate advocate for yourself, and for what you wish to become. As for "accepting a handout", think of it rather as a hand up... as an investment in your future which you can and will repay... if not in kind, than in passing it forward someone in need when you are in that stable place.
   Which brings me to my final point: as Oeditpus said, one thing, one step, one day, at a time. You have a better handle on your "steps" than you realize, blinded as you sometimes are by your fears. a suggestion? WRITE that novel! Not as something to publish, but rather as a start in getting to you. Since no one but you will read it, you can be as candid as you need to be... and you'd be amazed a what the process will teach you about yourself.
   I've read your posts in the past: they are the products of a highly, tightly organized mind, whether you see that or not. If you feel there is anything I might do for you, or if you just want to chat/rant/talk, PM me...
   Blessed Be, hermanita! :hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

31. Thank you very much

I can use all the good vibes I can get :)

It will be easier to get a GED in Tacoma, since I will actually have transportation and may even have a place within walking distance- I'll have to see if the High School I went to offers testing or if I need to go down to the community college.

I do need to start writing again. It helped in the past!

Again, thanks. :) :hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

12. Thank you so much for your responses

I managed 4 hrs sleep and now I'm dressed and ready for court- blah. I will respond better after I get back and put some coffee into my system! :)

[Omphaloskepsis]

13. Wow.. I'm sorry. That really sucks..

First of all.. Go to the Social Security office and apply for Disability. It takes about three months but they will send you to a free psychiatrist one time for evaluation. Then in about a month you will find out if they will give you disability. Don't count on it though. But use the time with that doctor to get info about any free resources that might be available to you.

And to address the job thing. Lie on your applications. I assume you will be applying for shitty jobs that won't call your high school to check. Say you have a diploma. You don't have to say anything about any criminal past. The fast food place at the mall isn't going to check. Make up jobs. Get people to lie if they actually call. My resume is completely fabricated. Out of the 5+ jobs I have had only one place has ever checked criminal/diploma stuff.

Sure, you will get caught a few times for lying. But fuck, they were not going to hire you in the first place.

[militaryspouse]

14. hugs

I agree with omp. Most jobs such as fast food, convenient, stores,mall jobs etc do not call to check to see if you have your diploma. It's too much time and effort on their part. I wouln't lie about convictions b/c they WILL check those, but since your convictions didn't surround or involve theft, they may view you as harmless. Having a job will boost your self-confidence. Staying cooped up inside will only feed your depression. Try to get out everyday, even if it's just to walk. The sun does wonder for the soul. Mnay good ppl wind up making mistakes, correcting them and move on with their life. You sound like a good person who was just dealt a bad deck of cards. Now it's in your POWER to change the direction of your future in a positive way. Hang on, this too shall pass!

[Ariana Celeste]

33. I'll definitely take that into consideration

I'd rather not be on disability but if it can get me some help...

[dropkickpa]

15. It's not a hand-out, it's a hand-up

Think of it that way and swallow your pride and get the help you need. You are not a lesser person for accepting help. Getting help will enable you to help youself and others in a much more effective way.

It took me getting knocked up to swallow my pride enough to accept help from anyone. Afterwards, I felt like an ass for trying to do everything on my own for so long. Independence and pride in self accomplishment is all well and good, but you cannot acheive those things in the state you are currently in. Hell, if it's guilt over accepting something you didn't pay for, think of it as, by acceping help now, you will be better able to contribute back to that in the future.

I'm not trying to be harsh, and hope I don't come across that way. I am trying to let you know that I had a REALLY hard time accepting any kind of help for a long long long time. I'm like a 2 year-old in that I have a constant mantra of "I do it MYSELF!" going on in my head, and I've had to learn to tell that two year old to shut the hell up sometimes so I can actually get things done.

:hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

34. Nah, you don't sound harsh.

I wasn't looking for candy coated responses anyways :).

It's not so much a pride thing as a guilt thing. Which is something I need to work on. Thanks :) :hug:

[bigwillq]

16. .....

:hug:

The fellow DUers who posted here gave you some good advice and a few things I agree with.

Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Try and see a counselor.
Lie on your applications if you have to.
Moving back with mommy may be rough but I think it's the best thing right now.
Take one step, one day at a time.

It's a lot to deal with but you are a strong person and you will be able to get through this.

Good luck my friend.

:hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

Thanks babe

One day at a time. :)

Moving in with mom won't be too bad, I love her dearly and miss her even more. I just feel like an ass is all. :hug:

[BarenakedLady]

17. Wow

You do have a LOT on your plate. I hope it all works out for you. Good luck today.

:hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

36. There was some good news.

Lawyer is going to file a motion to suppress or whatever, if it works then they have no evidence against me and therefore.... I'm not giving my hopes up but it's a nice thought. Otherwise I'll be signing my plea deal next month.

[PassingFair]

18. What are you so AFRAID of, beautiful girl?

You are obviously a smart, beautiful woman.
You were not born into a combat/Darfur type
situation...

We are ALL afraid of failure. Everyday.

Try to live in the moment as much as you can.

We all DO fail. Everyday.

We also succeed. In some way. Everyday.

Try to live in the moment as much as you can.

You need to measure success by your own standards.
Supporting yourself will bring you a sense of achievement.
And success breeds success. (Sounds like platitudes, but it's true.)

Try to live in the moment as much as you can.

I prefer to scrap the "long-term goals",approach to life. it
makes it too difficult for me to "smell the
roses", but that's just me. Maybe it's YOU, too.

Try to live in the moment as much as you can.

Go for it!

[Ariana Celeste]

37. I can't do the long term thing either.

I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of half the time, I just *am*. Thanks so much. :hug: :loveya:

[philosophie_en_rose]

19. * Hug *

I agree with everyone in saying that anyone would overwhelmed in your position. Please accept the help you need. You do deserve to be better.

You may be better served in Washington, even if it is Tacoma. :) We have public agencies (such as Worksource) whose job it is to help train people to connect with potential employers. They could help you with resumes, applications, and even finding the right place for you.

I know it feels awkward to ask for help, but take care of yourself first. Give yourself permission to ask for help.

[Ariana Celeste]

38. eh, Tacoma ain't that bad. :P

I'll have a helluva lot more opportunity out there, that's for sure. :hug:

[Wapsie B]

20. I cannot add to what others have said here............

but there's good karma headed you way. One step at a time and you'll get it done.

[Ariana Celeste]

39. Thank you

:hug:

[NewWaveChick1981]

25. First of all...wow...

:hug: :pals: I am so sorry you're going through that. Second, I applaud you for trying to turn your life around. If you actually do move back in with your mother, you might look in to getting your GED from your local community college. I'm not sure how it works in your state, but the ones in NC are really good programs. Most community colleges also have job centers or job banks, and you can work with them to help you find employment while you are finishing your GED. Many people I've worked with over the years have had tough breaks early in life, and they used the community college system to earn their GEDs and often to go on to get their associate's degrees. There is no charge for the job bank/job center services, and the tuition for most college programs is very minimal. The job centers at schools like that are used to helping people with criminal records find employment, and it might be something worthwhile to check out. :)

I hope things get better soon. :hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

40. :)

:hug:! Thanks. I'm going to look up the local (to Tacoma) community colleges this afternoon and try to get a good idea of what I can do through them before I go out there.

[Two_stabs]

28. There was a time in my life...

... That I would have been punished much more severely. I got lucky.

Remember, most employers base their decisions on the interview. Just go in and be honest.

[Ariana Celeste]

41. Thanks

:hug: Glad you got lucky.

[LaraMN]

32. Oh, honey...

I'm sorry. You're in the middle one Shitty-Ass mess.
Leaning on your family might be undesirable, but if it gets you to a better place in the long-run, it might be a good option.

Good vibes to you, sweetheart. Chin up.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

42. life can only get better from here

just need that bit of help! Thanks for the vibes, hun. :hug:!!

[Connonym]

35. Gigantic hugs

I'm so sorry you're going through all of these things. You've already gotten so much good advice from the people here I can't really offer anything on top of it. So I'm just going to offer my best wishes and good vibes. I've also got anxiety and agoraphobia. I work at home which is probably not the solution a shrink would recommend but maybe you could do something like that.

I hope it goes well today. :hug:

[Ariana Celeste]

43. It did go well :)

I'm sure you are a right, a shrink wouldn't recommend that- but they don't always have the right answers :). We're all different and if it works for you then great! Hopefully I can find a way to do that too, someday. Thanks, and :hug:! :loveya: