Projection is a lovely thing, don't you think?

[TOhioLiberal]

If you don't want to read about my problem marriage, it's probably best you find another stop in the lounge. Thanks.

Aw, yes. Moving day at last. We've spent a relatively quiet week or so since his bombshell announcement of his impending departure. We had a little chat. He says that he's worried about me. Says that since the relationship is over, I can start seeing other people. Big of him. It's a rather large departure from just a few months ago that I just kinda glossed over it with an 'Okay, sure.'

This evening gave me pause. We packed up a bunch of small items and took it to his new apartment. He has some furniture there and in the living room was a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. And I'm like, whose shorts are those? His answer? 'My roommate's.'

All that sweetness and light. His big concern for me. Guess what? His roommate is FEMALE.

Projection is a lovely thing, don't you think?

[Ptah]

1. I hope that you will find a place to land from this upheaval.

Look for a blossom in the thorns.

:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

2. Thanks Ptah...

...lovely picture as always. I'm past the point of being upset by him. I just thought the admission of a 'roommate' was interesting given the little chat we had a few days ago.

[idgiehkt]

3. are you gonna get alimony?

I hope so.

:hug:

But you do seem to be in really good spirits about it. I marriage benefits men more than women, at least statistically.

[TOhioLiberal]

5. No alimony...

...we're getting a dissolution eventually.

To tell you the truth, if it was a few years ago, I would have been majorly pissed. He always expected complete fidelity (even so far as not being allowed to express interest in, say some celebrity. Wasn't allowed to master my own domain, if you get my drift.) As usual it's ok if he does it. :eyes:

[idgiehkt]

7. Well, I hope things improve for you from here on out.

Onward and Upward. :) :hug:

And probably you will have to be on guard just in case his hoochie dumps him; he may try to come crawling back to you.

[BlueIris]

10. My thoughts exactly.

Don't get dragged back into it, TO.

[TOhioLiberal]

11. Doubtful...

...I know his 'roommate' she's a doormat, just like I was. If there's any dumping to be done, it'll be by him. By that time I hope to be far, far from this pit.

[idgiehkt]

22. Here is a song for you

I just posted this in another thread, I love it

My Give a Damn's Busted - Jo Dee Messina
http://video.aol.com/video/music-jo-dee-messina-my-give-a-damns-busted/1323997

[TOhioLiberal]

42. Good song...

...leave it to country music to come up with titles like that...:)

[LibraLiz1973]

46. How do you know her?

Was he parading her under your nose??

I'm glad your feeling UP about things-
we all support you totally!!

[TOhioLiberal]

51. This is where it gets interesting...

in this thread: I'm just disappointed
I was lamenting the fact that he goes out regularly with someone related to a woman he works with. His new 'roomie' is that woman. Curiouser and curiouser. What an ass.

[mzteris]

27. why not?

You probably deserve it! Putting up with his bs.

Though sooner you're shut and down of him, probably the better, eh?



sending you a pm, btw

[TOhioLiberal]

38. You've got mail...

...again.

[EFerrari]

4. It's going to be a year for me in about a week.

To make things really nifty, during the event there was a huge project-o-rama where I was smeared all over town and had to field calls asking me how I was doing with my nervous breakdown and did I need to go into rehab. lol

Time works -- really, really well. Hang in, sweetie. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

6. I'm hanging...

poised to take control of my life for the first time in a long time.

[EFerrari]

9. Good.

:toast:

[idgiehkt]

16. Good for you.

:hug:

[Danger Mouse]

8. ....

:hug:
:(

[TOhioLiberal]

13. Thanks Elrond...

...no sad smileys though, cause I'm gonna be okay. :hug:

[Danger Mouse]

29. I'm glad to hear that.

I know you'll be okay.
I have confidence in you.
I'm always available if you wanna talk. :hi:
Hang in there.

[Breeze54]

12. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this painful time but

I have one small question.

Why are you helping him to pack and actually taking his crap to his new apt? :shrug:

I mean, isn't that his problem now? I wouldn't help him one iota!

Hope you find peace through all of it.

[TOhioLiberal]

14. It's simple...

...I'm the only one who has a car and license. Besides, I was eaten up with curiosity about his new place.

[Breeze54]

15. Well....

that's his problem, I think.

He's a big boy. Let him find his own ride!

Tell him you can't help because YOU HAVE A DATE!!!! :P

Let him suffer!! ;)

"Curiosity killed the cat."

[EFerrari]

19. I packed Doug's stuff up and paid to have it delivered

because I was afraid I'd go back on a promise I made to myself, if you know what I mean. It wasn't fun and it was final. But, in the long run, at least I was in charge of part of the process.

[Breeze54]

23. My ex took his most important crap with him and

promised to come back for the rest but that never happened.
I ended up selling some and threw out the rest with great
satisfaction, I might add. :P But I never helped him pack.

Fuck 'em!

[EFerrari]

26. One of my friends stacked her ex's stuff out on the driveway

and let it return to the earth molecule by molecule. She was a piece of work. lol :)

[Breeze54]

50. Just to clarify, his crap was in my basement for two years!!

And then he had the f**ing nerve to have his lawyer bring it up in court and he wanted compensation!!!!

This is after three years of not paying a dime in child support or visiting the kids!!

The judge said, "Fuck him!" :rofl:

:P

[EFerrari]

53. What a great judge!

I have a framed child support check for $32.00 and I'm not kidding.

:rofl:

[Breeze54]

56. Wow! You beat me!! My one and only was

$200.00... :grr:

What a complete loser he was and still is!! :nuke:

[EFerrari]

58. How old are your kids? Mine are okay despite their dad

and as adults, they try to understand him without letting themselves be hustled. (Thank you, Something)

And I'm most definitely better off -- except I miss my mother in law. She's been gone for ten years and I still miss her. She was great, before, during and after. We used to oook up a storm for Sunday supper and when all the guys were passed out and snoring from eating too much, we'd mix up vodka tonics and play cards until they came to. lol

[Breeze54]

60. They're all grown up now.. late twenties.

They actually live near him (out of state) from me. 1,800 miles or so.

It pisses me off to no end. It's a long story and best not rehashed.

I was really happy the day the youngest (of the two oldest) turned 18

because it meant we had no more ties. He was completely out of my life.

Thank the Goddess!! ;)

I hear that he's on his 14th or 15th "true love"...again! :crazy:

I never would miss my ex-MIL. :grr: She was a meddlesome, bossy, control freak!

[TOhioLiberal]

30. I didn't help him PACK...

...and I didn't move much of his crap. I dawdled, held the door open, slowly walked out to the car, etc. I am the master of not doing much, but looking like I am.

[EFerrari]

36. That's an incredibly important skill to have.

lol

:thumbsup:

[TOhioLiberal]

40. Absolutely...

...I've used it to great effect in other situations like work. :rofl: I should write a book: "How to look busy, even when you aren't" :)

[SPKrazy]

17. Well I'm Sorry...

I somehow was afraid of that when this came up though...

fuck that shit TOL. I know it is a shock, and the shocks just keep on coming... I know you are scared because you've said that it is scary. It is hard.

What has happened to you in the last 6 months just fucking sucks :grr:

Lawyer up! (when ready) He's screwed the pooch on that one TOL.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

31. I think the shocks are ending...

...perhaps some healing can begin, yes?

I was just talking with my sister, by the way. It's no dice on moving down there, unfortunately. I'll get to see her at the end of the month though. she's coming up for a visit! :woohoo:

[EstimatedProphet]

18. Sorry

It's tough when someone leaves.

You'll be OK though. Believe it, and live it.

[TOhioLiberal]

32. Thanks EP...

...I'm gonna be fine. Hopefully this is the last of the crap I get to deal with. :hug:

[EstimatedProphet]

57. Y'know, as strange as this is...

I hated my first wife. Really hated her. I sincerely hope to never see her again.

Still I was torn up by the whole separation process, for a long time.

Things are good now though.

[lost-in-nj]

20. TOL

all I can say is

I know how you feel


sorry


lost

[TOhioLiberal]

33. Thanks lost...

...I know you do. :hug:

[mzteris]

21. aw hon -

:hug:

even when you're removed from it - it still stings on some level.

How magnanimous of him to "allow you" to date now. :eyes:

[TOhioLiberal]

34. Not that I'm in a hurry...

...although I do worry about being alone.

[mzteris]

24. delete dupe

[originalpckelly]

25. What an inconsiderate motherfucker.

My goodness, people these days are just so freaking nervy. I'm a guy, and I don't think I could ever do that someone, how the hell is that even possible to be so mean?

You poor dear, this is just so bad. :hug:

People have just lost empathy, just any consideration for other people's feelings, I mean divorce happens, people break up, but it doesn't have to be so horrible. That's just so mean. Ugh.

Well, just look at it this way, this person is this fucking mean, you're better off without him.

I could understand him having a hard time saying something about it, at some level it must be hard to fall in love with another person when you're married to someone, but the way this is unfolding is just plain cruel.

I wonder if the "roommate" has any clue how shitty this guy is?

Whatever happened to the golden rule? I mean, I understand it sounds like a bunch of religious bs, but it's just good common sense. Do unto others as you shall have them do unto you. You treat others with respect in the hope they'll do it to you. I mean if everyone went around being nice to one another, then eventually we'd all be bound to run into someone nice and have something good happen to us. Of course the opposite is also true, if everyone is shitty to one another, then we're bound to run into someone shitty and have something bad happen.

At least not everyone acts like this, and hopefully you'll find someone else nicer (if you even want to after this.) And quite frankly, from the sounds of this asshole, everyone you're bound to run into is going to be nicer.

[TOhioLiberal]

35. I don't know...

...what she thinks of him. Hell I don't even know how I feel about all this, except for weary amusement. I wonder how long he's been planning this. This is not a 'in the last couple of months' fly-by-night idea. It's a level of planning that astounds me. And the sheer cold-bloodedness of it.

I am absolutely certain that if I do wander out into dateland, nearly anyone will be better.

[EFerrari]

39. The thinking is, if they leave you, they leave that part of themselves

they fear/hate.

In the month before he flipped, Doug had me refurbish his whole act. We wrote new material, I had him taped, got new cards, cds, demo tapes, produced a big deal in a nice venue. And I finished writing/editing his one man show -- "My life by someone else" as my son calls it.

It does seem coldblooded in the extreme. But some people can't actually have relationships with other people. They can project parts of themselves all over the place but that's not really relating. :shrug:

From this vantage, I feel sorry for him because it's unlikely he'll ever find a lover/manager/writing partner in one neat package again. And, I'm sorry our home was exploded. And, I don't miss the daily stress.

[idgiehkt]

41. very, very wise words

"But some people can't actually have relationships with other people. They can project parts of themselves all over the place but that's not really relating."

thanks for that, very succintly put. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

43. My worry...

...is after 20+ years with him, something of that mindset may have rubbed off on me. I'd hate to think that any relationship I have now will be poisoned by him. Maybe I'd be better off alone.

[EFerrari]

48. After 20 years, you've learned how strong you are.

How aware, how adept at making things go well or stay even. I'd start with that.

Wait -- I am starting with that.

lol

[EFerrari]

45. Human beans.

:hug:
:grouphug:

[ThomCat]

28. I am so sorry you have to go through this long, drawn out

separation. But it sounds like it's going to be very good for you in the long run.

Please take care of yourself throughout all of this, and be well. :hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

37. Thanks ThomCat...

...There's a lesson in here somewhere. Ah yes, here it is: sometimes relationships suck.

[Debi]

44. Just keep moving forward

:hug: as much as you can each day :hi:

[TOhioLiberal]

47. Thats all I can do...

:hug:

[Inchworm]

49. Just popping in

To give you a big ole hug!



I hope it all works out you!

:hug:

[TOhioLiberal]

52. Inchy...

...thanks for the hug. I needed that, from you. :hug:

[Gormy Cuss]

54. Please remember to take care of yourself first.

Fuck him. Let his roommate or some other friend of his schlep his stuff. He's being a user. That he has no car or license is his own problem. That sounds really harsh but you need to protect you because you are a woman of great value and it seems he no longer values you.

I've had several friends go through this type of breakup and the STBE always tried to get the wife to do everything for him. If he's anything like their spouses, he's not worried about you. He's guilty. Remember that every time he says anything that sounds conciliatory.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

[TOhioLiberal]

55. Thanks Gormy Cuss...

...I am looking after me, as much as I can at this point. As i said upthread, I am a master at looking like I'm helping, but not really helping. Driving him around is as far as I go.

[Taverner]

59. Things get better

Maybe not fast or when you want them to, but eventually they do...

[u4ic]

61. He's a slimeball

I'm sorry you are subjected to this, sweetie. You certainly don't deserve it, even if things didn't work out.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Fire Walk With Me]

62. Oh man, I'm sorry to hear this!

I'm one of those persons who is unable to have a quality relationship with others, am working upon myself diligently, and have no wish to inflict myself upon others unless I have some amount of maturity to offer (which might not happen).

I hope that you have had more happiness in the last 20 years than difficulty. I know many persons who have been married, or seriously involved, and have not made it to 20 years, so consider any joy that you've had, to have been worth the while. I hope that this perspective can come to you once you've worked through the upset and pain.

Do not end up blaming yourself. Be careful to watch yourself on that. Obviously, you're capable of being in a relationship for as long as you want to be, which is an accomplishment for anyone. You have this to offer, and nothing can diminish it.