I would like advice from the many DUers who have cared for parents

[cally]

My parents are 76 years old and in good health. I know I am blessed. I am the only child physically near them. My two other siblings live far away. My parents will have some assets to inherit. Who knows how much. :shrug:

I think all the family realizes that I may face most of the responsiblily for caring for my parents. My sisters know that and have offered support. So what would you do to prepare this family?
I know that many of you have supported your parents so I value your advice.

My parents are healthy for their age. I notice some stuff but their is no imminent crisis.

[flamingyouth]

1. I've sort of been there

My mother was very sick and almost died seven years ago. I'm an only child, and it was really hard dealing with it all by myself. How close do you live to them?

I did a lot of cooking and laundry, etc., to help my dad, but as she started to stabilize, I actually *taught* my dad to do many of these things, and he learned, amazingly.

Also, I got them to hire a gardener and someone to come in periodically to help in the house.

I know that in some places, you can get volunteer respite care if you're taking care of someone full time. Senior Services of Seattle-King County, where I live, offers that.

I think it's a good idea that you're thinking of this now. It sure never occurred to me when my mom was only 55. :hi:

[mlawson]

2. Since you mentioned assets,

I feel comfortable discussing this aspect. You need to know that Medicare covers only 20 days of nursing home care, and then there are all sorts of murky rules, etc. And a total of 100 days, period, whatever you do. If the assets stay in their name(s), you can NOT get Medicaid for them until the assets are liquidized, and are spent down to about $2000. Your attorney is NOT allowed to advise you on this, as that is seen as avoiding the law.

Medicaid in most states has a 'look back' period of at least 3 years; if ownership of the assets has been changed to someone else during that time, Medicaid can still force their liquidation first.

Medicare does NOT pay for assisted living, and a lot of other services you might think it would. Be careful; it is not a panacea, by any means.

I am an only child, and have no opinion on how to prepare your sisters. When something happens you will do the best you can; I have been through the whole thing with both parents. It's rough.

[pansypoo53219]

3. have a lawyer give them advice on their assets.

make sure if anything does happen, the durable power of attorney is easily trasferable, if one of them is incompacitated.

[madrchsod]

4. just went thru this-

sit down with your parents and go over money,the will,insurance policy on them and their home.power of attorney ,living will, what your parents want to give to who..i just went thru this with my mom. i knew she was ill and had about a year left..but one night a blood vessel broke and she was dead. although my mom had given alot of stuff away, my sisters and i were faced with alot of things we were not expecting..if you get alot of this taken care of you`ll find it`s alot easier in the years to come knowing that these things are taken care of. it makes their life and you and your sisters lives so much better knowing this is done now instead of later. believe me i wish my sisters and i did this....oh yes get with your sisters and discuss everyones responsibilties in the coming years

[fishnfla]

5. I would talk to your parents first

and honor and respect their every wish. Discussions of assets and inheritance I would leave up to them. I would make sure my sisters were involved in this discussion as well. I would leave lawyers out of it unless they love you more than your own family.

[cally]

6. My dad refuses to go to a lawyer

We really need a lawyer to get involved. But he refuses to accept that he may die. My sisters and I have acknowledged the financial implications. I'm more interested in the family issues. I'm going to be here making decisions about healthcare, real estate, making utility payments. What do I need to do to make it work?

[fishnfla]

7. your dad is not ready yet

dont push a lawyer on him. Talk to them, respect and honor their wishes. A lawyer will screw up your relationship at this point. You have to be patient, of course your father knows he may die, he knows. In good health he could be alive in 10 years. Be patient with them, grasshopper.

[Habibi]

8. You can't make it work without their cooperation

Is there a family friend whom your father would listen to? You really need to get the whole schmeer: wills, living wills, power of attorney, medical proxy.

[Flaxbee]

9. Perhaps your mom is willing to talk?

Seriously, respecting feelings is paramount and admirable, but having to get second and third jobs, put off major life decisions of your own, etc., simply because of money issues isn't fun. I know. My parents were completely unprepared, and every single cent they ever had is gone. Now I and my two sisters work really, really, really long hours to keep one of them in an assisted living facility (many of them no longer accept any sort of Medicaid coverage b/c the paperwork is getting so awful; assisted living facilities usually don't take it, period, and nursing homes don't necessarily have to... keep in mind nursing facilities often don't offer private rooms).

Over the last 5 years, we've spent probably $50-60K each of our own money, meaning our kids' college money is in jeopardy, our own retirement is diminished, etc. I love my parents dearly, but wish they'd planned better, not ignored things, and perhaps had looked into long-term care insurance (your parents might be too old to buy it now).

It's hard to do, but talk about the assets, talk to a lawyer about transferring them to you and your sisters. Also, start to check out your county and state offices and services for the elderly. I am glad my parents are still here, as opposed to dying suddenly, but damn, I'd be lying if I didn't say it was tough to support them and my own family and prepare for my future, since neither my sisters nor I are going to inherit anything.

[Sapphocrat]

10. Whoa, am I sure I didn't write this?

Only child physically nearby, two siblings far away, responsibility falls on you...

I'm now dealing with an 82-year-old mother who's not at all in good health (although she's in a "good" stretch at the moment).

My advice is this: Find out what your parents want now, before either becomes infirm. Sit down with them and put together a durable power of attorney / advance health directive, while both are still able to think clearly about what they really want.

Then engage your siblings. Get some sort of commitment from them as to what they will contribute to your parents' care, be it physical or monetary support. Don't take "no" -- or any excuses -- for an answer.

Just because everybody assumes the responsibility will fall to you -- and even if you willingly accept that responsibility -- that doesn't mean your life won't change in the future. You could really grow to resent everyone for making you put your life on hold (even if it was your decision). You may think that's totally out of line now, but trust me: You have no idea what's to come, how your life may change, or how much you can resent being "the responsible one."

Take it from one who's just beginning this long, long journey.

Other than that, all I can offer is support and good wishes.

[cally]

11. Thanks all for the informed advice

I very much appreciate it. I'm kicking because I value all advice and I think too many of us will have to deal with this.