I Know It's Been A While. Just Checking In And Lettin Everyone Know What's Goin On.

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

*disclaimer* May be long, may be rambling, may be disconnected, as it is being written off the top of my head.

Hi all,

I have a little bit of free time (kids are FINALLY out with somebody) so I wanted to take a few minutes to let everyone know I'm still here.

First off let me again thank everyone who has been so kind, caring and thoughtful through this. When I first posted the original post a month ago I was aware at how I was at the pinnacle of my "OMCness" at the time and wasn't expecting all that much. But I knew I was hurting, scared and in need of strength in numbers so I figured I'd give it a shot. I knew when it comes down to it how wonderful this community is and I knew there'd be some who would give a sympathetic ear. But I was FLOORED by how you all rallied behind me and offered your thoughts, prayers and energy to us, while so easily being able separate the REAL me from the prick online me. I was touched beyond words how this community reached out to me and you'll never know how truly valuable and helpful it was through this battle. I'm the type of person that is honest to a flaw almost, and keeps nothing hidden. I freely talk to others about things going on in my life and I've always found it to be therapeutic to be open about such things. That's why I came here and could so easily share our private details. I'm not uncomfortable doing so like a lot of others are. But I'm so glad I did, because the way you all supported me is something I'll never soon forget.

I know how harsh I've been to some here and how much of an over the top wiseass I could be. But that's just online 'schtik', so to speak, and it's just a persona that evolved over time here until it was something that I couldn't even control anymore. But that's just a tangent of my personality and isn't even remotely representative of who or what I am in real life. In real life, I'm an amazingly caring and deep person who wants no harm to come to anyone. But online I can definitely turn into one hell of an argumentative prick. But the overwhelming majority of you were able to separate the two distinctions, and it warmed my heart that you did so. I didn't want this to be about 'OMC'. I reached out desperately as me, Jeremy, who really needed caring people to help pray for one of the most innocent, caring and wonderful people on this planet; my wife Stacey. This was always about her, and never about some stupid online persona.

I'm so thankful, surprised and grateful that this community welcomed 'Jeremy and Stacey', and put OMC on hold. You'll never truly know how much EVERYTHING has meant to me. I'm also aware that there were a few who had such disgust towards my persona that they couldn't separate the two, and I want everyone to know I'm ok with that now. I've tried to reach out to some of them and for some it's worked and for others it didn't, but at the end of the day I don't want anyone to be mad at anyone. I created the persona, and I can't blame some for not so easily being able to cast it all away.

Moving on, I guess I'll type my thoughts on how things are going. I sit here typing still absolutely stunned at how things turned out and I think it's beginning to occur to me that it is going to be quite some time before things seem even remotely normal. I see signs of her everywhere around me. To say this has been devastating to me and my family would be an understatement. The level of disbelief is that of which I've never before felt. I find myself pacing a lot and saying "Oh Stacey, I'm so sorry, not Stacey, not Stacey, Oh God I'm so sorry honey" etc. Each day I feel like it's just some bad dream and any day now she's going to walk through the door again. Each time I have to realize that it isn't going to happen ever, it is even more painful than the prior. She was so good, so full of life, so positive, so loving. I don't believe this has happened, and I'm crushed by it. I mean, she got a cold, and died. She fucking got a cold and died. I find myself uttering that often, cause I'm still in such shock over it. My Stacey is gone, so suddenly and so tragically. She's supposed to be here, but she isn't. I look at pictures of her constantly and her smile is so radiant that you'd just swear she's still alive. Every picture I look at tears me apart more, yet I can't stop myself from looking at them anyway. She was so sweet, so beautiful. I miss her terribly and there isn't a thing I wouldn't give to rewind time, if only this were some movie.

The kids are hanging in there and doing quite well. I have been upfront with them about everything but also am careful to only talk about things in a melodramatic positive type way, such as "mommy is with God now, cause he wanted her to be with him, and now you can say hi whenever you want! Isn't that awesome? Say hi mommy!!!" etc. I have not let ANYONE show any sadness or grief around them whatsoever as it relates to their mother, because I don't want them to feel that this is something to be traumatically sad over. I want them to think it's something wonderful that happened, her being called up to be an angel, and am convinced at their ages that is the right thing for me to do. They seem to have taken to it and are doing quite well. Too well in fact. They're running me friggin ragged. I think they quickly learned that they have me outnumbered now, and have literally exhausted me to points I didn't know existed. But I'm bringing the hammer down. In the last few days I've made clear to them that the misbehaving, whining and tantrum throwing is coming to an end. I let them know that when I say something, I expect to hear nothing more than "Okay Daddy", etc. It'll take some time, persistence and consistency to pull off, but I see it working a bit already. See, my two kids are too smart for their own good, head strong and hyper. They were almost impossible when BOTH of us were here. Now with just me? May God be with me. But I'm trying, and I'm proud of myself so far. It's past time for them to start understanding that they can't get what they want, whenever they want, all of the time. But for now they're ok. They're fed, bathed, clothes are washed, etc. I don't know how I've done it all, but I must say that this is the end of my first full week alone (no one has come at all this week, prior to this morning) and I've succeeded. I can be a single father of two young kids after all, but let me tell ya God bless all of the single parents out there. Holy friggin cow.

Moving on again, I'm gonna complain about a few things, some of which are petty but I want to vent about anyway.

Funerals and their costs: That's got to be the biggest racket goin. Standard funeral, nothing over the top, and it's 14 grand? Who knew? I certainly didn't. Shock of my life. But that was including everything, including obituaries, coffin, cemetery, pastor, outside coffin (yes, the coffin has to be inside another steel box in this area) etc. But still, 14 grand? C'mon now. And out of all those costs in that 14 grand wanna know which one offends me the most? Obituary cost. 350 bucks to put a small obituary in the Bergen Record. I'm sorry, but I think that's an absolute disgrace. I was shocked to see that, and think if anything obituaries should be a service provided by the paper. Regardless, 350 bucks for such a thing is just immoral and disgusting in my opinion. I just wanted to say that.


Bureaucracy and the like, of what one needs to go through upon losing a spouse: Never in my life was I prepared for how many hoops I'd have to jump through to take care of matters, financial and the like. The amount of documentation, paperwork, certificates etc that you need to provide for some of these institutions is just nuts. Some of the fees are ridiculous as well. I had to pay the county $145 to get a certificate stating I'm the administrator of the estate (no will), even though in NJ by law I'm designated that anyway by default. Yet ya gotta pay the $145 anyway, just for some stupid piece of paper that a bank or 401k needs. But just overall, the amount of phonecalls, faxes, document gathering, follow up calls, etc that I've had to take care of this week has been stunning to me. It is even more shocking to me cause I know how quickly I need these accounts settled and whatever money there is disbursed. We've lost over half of our household income yet some of these institutions act like we have all the time in the world to go through this process. Don't they get it? Don't they understand the urgency? And I'm not just yappin about my situation either, cause I know everyone else who lost an income earner faces the same urgency. I feel for them, cause I know how difficult the process is for getting this stuff taken care of. There really should be some easier and more centrally documented way to take care of matters upon one's death. The process is almost archaic in its lack of coordination.


Gifts from people who mean well, but should probably use a bit of discretion: Ok, maybe I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. I appreciate anything and everything people have done to try and help. But some do go a bit too far. For example, her work sent an Omaha Steak package. Pretty exciting, and really nice gesture. But the problem is that they came in these two HUGE styrofoam igloo type containers filled to the brim. Let me assure you, there isn't an employee in her whole company who could've possibly fit all of that food in their freezer. Each igloo was the dimension of my entire freezer itself. Needless to say, I had to unpack whatever I could, rearrange my freezer, and give away the rest. But it was a huge inconvenience in certain ways, and I still don't know what to do with these two huge styrofoam containers. But I did LOVE the steaks and gesture, I just think some people need a bit more discretion in what they send and if it will be useful or convenient. (told ya some of my complaints would be petty, but if you saw how much frozen food this was, you'd understand what I'm sayin).


Headstone Companies: Okay, this one REALLLLLLLLY pissed me off this week. Here it's only been a few days since the funeral and I'm sitting around devastated over the recent loss of someone so loved, and I have to deal with headstone advertisements already being sent in the mail from local companies who I guess search obituaries. Hey, I know it's business and I know advertising, even in a market as morbid as death, is necessary. But can ya give me a fucking week for christ's sake? I mean, is that really too much to friggin ask? Man was I pissed. It was just the last thing I wanted to be reading on Tuesday (and Thursday for that matter) and I literally was offended. I just found it to be amazingly disrespectful and I'm still heavily considering giving the two companies a piece of my mind as it relates to the matter.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month: Ok, normally I'd be gung ho for it. But this time, it's just REALLY bad timing. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, everything I buy, every station I listen to, there's a reminder. Her father and sister have said the same things. It has made this process even tougher because the reminders are so in our face, all of the time.


Okay, that's enough of the venting part. Here's a few things unexpected that have come from all this:

Panic attacks. Never had them before, never understood them, knew people who had them, couldn't relate. But holy cow, I get it now. I always figured my mind would be strong enough to overpower one if I had one. Nuh uh. Don't quite work that way. Once the chemical process in your brain and blood starts, hold on for the ride. Never experienced anything like it before and hope they don't come on too often. Totally caught me offguard.

Paranoia: Yup. That's a new one for me. It's the weirdest 'side effect' of them all from this. Every time I go on the front stoop and smoke a cig, I feel like people are looking through their windows staring at me, thinking "I wonder how he's doing" "oh those poor kids" or "God he looks like shit" etc. Every car that drives by I feel like they're staring at me too. Even in the supermarket, I feel like strangers are judging me too, though I'm aware they don't know the situation. It's just weird and unexplainable, but right now I can't seem to shake it. I just feel like everyone's looking at me, even though I know they're not (though I'm sure some are).

Loneliness: Eats you alive. When the kids are in bed, the void is immense. That was our time. Now I don't know what to do with myself. It's amazing how for granted we take companionship and marriage sometimes. Just having someone to tell something petty and mundane to, even though you know they don't care and probably even aren't listening too well, but you know you'll be there pretending to listen to their mundane stories too, is just something that's so valuable. Not sure if you all know what I mean by that, but I hope some do. And just being able to rub someone's leg, or give and take a hug when needed, or to just know someone else is there, even if you're doing two separate things in two separate rooms. You still know each other are there. But now, the loneliness and emptiness is overwhelming at times. And it's a loneliness I can't really describe, as it's different than just being lonely. It's the hardest part of this all.

So ok, that's it for now I guess. Way too long already but I figured while I'm typin off the top of my head I might as well cover everything, cause I don't know when I may be in the mood to do so again next. Things have been really hard this week and I'm starting to realize that for now, things are only going to get tougher. But I'm strong and hanging in there, and at the end of the day I'm doing a good job with the house and kids. That's what matters most. But I'm not sure when or even if I'll truly be able to be 'OMC' again. It's just too hard right now. But you all have meant the world to me through this and it was truly appreciated that a DU'er came to the wake to represent everybody. Also the books some sent and flowers etc was extremely appreciated as well. You all rock, and you are all awesome people. I love you all and owe you all the world's biggest thanks and the world's biggest hug. Truly, I mean that.

So I'll talk to you all soon I hope, and bear with me and my babbling. I read the poem thread and some others and continue to be touched by them. I wanted to give an additional thanks for those. So that's it for now. I'm hanging in there but it's still all just so unbelievable. I want her back, but it can't happen. It just, simply, sucks. But I do know she's up there looking down on us, and I know she's at peace. But what I wouldn't give for just one more hug, in the middle of the kitchen, like we always used to...

Sorry bout the length. Kudos to anyone who read this far.

Thanks for being there and you're all in my heart,

Jeremy

[SPKrazy]

1. ...

:hug:

man, hang in there, it has to be horrendous for you. I think all of what you are feeling is "normal" (whatever that really is)

I just am so sorry that this happened to you, or to anyone, but it does.

:hug: :hug:

[KamaAina]

2. Oh, you'll be OMC again, all right

in fact, I'm looking forward to the day when you once again royally piss me off. That's when I'll know you're back! May it be soon...

[Evergreen Emerald]

3. I have been thinking of you and your family

just know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[graywarrior]

4. I'm with you, man.

:hug:

[fizzgig]

5. thank you so much for the update

you and the boys have been in my mind and in my heart. i can't imagine what you are going through and still find that i do not have adequate words to properly convey just how my heart aches for you all.

i know you are taking care of the boys, but please don't forget to take care of yourself. if you haven't already, go to the doc about the panic attacks. they can be easily managed and i know how draining and horrible they are.

all my love to you and the boys

[AwakeAtLast]

6. Hugs and more hugs to you, OMC

:hug: :hug: :hug:

The only advice I can offer is about the panic attacks. I suffered them when Mr. WMU was in Iraq. I didn't really think I needed the Xanax, but boy, did it do a world of good. You may not think you need it either, but having one while driving with a young chid in the back seat changes your mind quickly.

Take care of yourself and keep letting your feelings out - it really is good therapy!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[SteppingRazor]

7. Hang in there dude! n/t

[NightWatcher]

8. you are "one hell of an argumentative prick"

glad you are back and I hope that things work out well for you. I love to get in arguments with ya, but I never get mad (even if you're wrong).

See ya in the GD. take care

Peace

[TZ]

9. My best to you and a little scientific info/advice....

Your feelings are perfectly normal. You are a pretty smart guy so I am betting you probably know about the 5 stages of grief (I will include a wiki-link in case you would like to read up on it.) It sounds like you are moving from denial into anger. Perfectly normal.
But my heart goes out to you and your family in your time of grief.
Best Wishes,
Susan
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

PS- I think sharing your thoughts and feelings with us here is probably one of the emotionally healthiest things for you right now...
:hug: :hug: :hug:

[OzarkDem]

65. Very true

You're right turtlensue, one of the best ways to grieve is to share. Each time you re-live your grief by sharing it with someone else, you're gradually assimilating it.

It takes a long time and you never get over the loss completely, but sharing with someone else can help you move forward.

Here's a link to a resource in your area that may help, especially with the children.

http://www.cancercare.org/about_us/contact_us/new_jersey.php

You have a lot on your soldiers right now, Jeremy, and will for some time to come. Your feelings are normal for someone in your situation. Please share with us when it helps to unburden yourself. Also make sure you're eating right and getting rest. Take care of yourself.

[Maestro]

10. Hang in there Jeremy!

I can't believe some of the things that you are going through. The headstone companies sound like ambulance chaser lawyers. There is good and bad in every profession. The lonliness is normal I suppose. I can't say for sure because I have never lost a spouse, but if had, this would be my feeling too. We are here for you. Stay strong.

[Whoa_Nelly]

11. Just for you, Jeremy

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7019721

Your candidness and honesty are overwhelmingly touching.

Go to the above link for special thoughts left for you and yours. :hug:

[OPERATIONMINDCRIME]

18. Thanks WN. That's The Thread I Was Talking About At The End Of My Post.

I had just gotten done reading it before I posted this, and it was a catalyst for my choosing to finally sit down and type out some stuff. Thank you for sharing it with me. The caring from everyone has truly meant a lot to me.

[JohnnyLib2]

26. Strength and prayers and cussing for you, friend.

For sure, they are ALL needed at this time and for a long time. Writing, too, because that's your way. And, you know, I for one will watch for some of the "OMC-ishness" coming back in and then cheer for what that means for you. It will, it will in time.

JL2 :hug:

[glowing]

32. I know this sounds stupid now, but she will send you someone to help

you out. It may just be dog... But she will take care of you and the children in her own way. Don't forget to keep loving. Its hard to get out of the anger stage... don't get trapped in it.

[havocmom]

50. Yes, I would think you have a point

Grace comes from strange places. Being open enough to allow for it is a grace in its self.

Love doesn't stop when the vessel breaks. Energy changes, but is a constant.

[EFerrari]

12. Take care of you..

:hug:

[Warren Stupidity]

13. Hang in there Jeremy. nt.

[knitter4democracy]

14. You need to vent, and we need to listen, so it all works out.

:) :hug:

This whole thing sucks, and I'm so sorry I can't just have you drop the kids off at my house for a break and take home a casserole for dinner. :( Please let people take care of the kids more--you need the time to regroup and rest, and they need a way to think of something else for awhile. I have hard-to-manage kids, too, and I know that I needed more breaks when I was healing up from my surgery last year. Breaks keep you sane.

Is there a grieving spouse group at your hospital? Talking with people in the same boat might really help.

[libnnc]

15. She'll always be with you

It will never be the same, but she'll be there.

Take care of yourself :hug:

[johnnie]

16. Take care of yourself Jeremy

As someone else kind of said, it will be good to see you back here "pissing people off".

And PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, but I chuckled at the steak story. It obviously was a great sentiment, but who would think that someone would have room for that much meat?..LOL.

Take care.

[Der Blaue Engel]

17. Words are so inadequate

So :hug:s will have to do.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us. Though none of us can truly have an inkling of what you're going through, I feel like we are in some kind of journey together because you've shared it with us.

Though I'm so deeply sorry it had to be under these circumstances, I'm glad I took OMC off of Ignore and discovered Jeremy. :hug:

[NC_Nurse]

19. I'm glad to hear from you.

You and the boys have been on my mind. I am pulling for you.
Sounds like you're doing as well as can be expected. We're here for you anytime.
:hug:

[emsimon33]

20. Just know that people are keeping you close in their hearts

I am new to DU, but I have experienced the deaths of loved ones, yet still I know I can not even begin to understand the depth of your pain and loneliness.

If people are looking through their windows at you, please know that they do care, that their stopping and noticing is not morbid but heartfelt.

[Dystopian]

21. I never really knew you....

until you started the first post about Stacey...I had seen your name all over the place....but now I really know you. How could it be that you're in my heart? How could you have had the strength to post during your time of sorrow and fear of the unknown...and to write so brilliantly that one could feel your words...actually see Stacey even without her beautiful picture...
You're an amazing man....
Your children will be fine...and you are going to raise them well...

I lived your nightmare.
I feel that bond...it's very strange.
The panic attacks and paranoia are normal...and you'll go through the stages of grief in your own way, as we all do...
Stacey will forever be present....
Thank you for sharing your life with us....
Yes, Jeremy...you have touched many with the story of your love and loss.

Keep the faith...

Wishing you peace...peace of mind~

[niyad]

22. jeremy, we continue to hold you and your loved ones in our thoughts and prayers.

thank you for sharing so much of yourself and your family with us, and I hope it helps, even in the tiniest way, to ease some of the pain. we are here, whenever you need us.

one thing to remember about the people bringing gifts--they mean well, and most honestly don't know what might be needed or is most appropriate. dealing with death and dying is something most people do their best to avoid. in our circles, it is the custom to bring food so that the grieving family doesn't have to deal with meal preparation. (when my mother died, people in the neighborhood I didn't even know brought food and drink. when my friend's husband died, we hung a black ribbon on the porch--within an hour, people were bringing food) the omaha steak thing was meant well, they just didn't think. (put the sytrofoam containers on the curb with a "free" sign--someone has a use for them.

funerals are one of the biggest ripoffs around (when the industry first came out with "pre-need plans" I thought it a bit weird, until my mother died, and my father didn't have to make any decisions about caskets, services, etc--all arranged, all paid for) even if one is being cremated, the industry tries to stick the loved ones with unnecessary expenses. and the headstone companies??? give 'em HELL when you are up to it. in the old days--obits were a free service of the local papers, unless you wanted a really extensive one. now they cost a fortune.

In "Shall We Dance" susan sarandon's character explains her theory of why people marry. She says, "it's to be a witness. when we marry, we agree to be a witness to it all--the big things, the mundane things, everything. we are saying, "your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will witness it" (not exact quote, but close) . and I think, as you are noticing, that is one of the the things people miss the most when a partner passes, and there is really nothing that can take that place.

just remember, though, that your DU family is here, maybe not as acutal physical witnesses, but as your cyberwitnesses for whatever you choose to share. take care of yourself.

Peace

[CaliforniaPeggy]

23. I cannot tell you, my dear Jeremy, what it means to hear from you...

So soon after this horrible tragedy...

It means the world to all of us!

Thank you so much for letting us know what you're going through, what you're thinking and feeling too...

We've got your back, always, sweetie...

I honestly wish I lived closer so I could help out...:hug:

Take good care of your beautiful boys, and you too...

Feel free to vent anytime...

[TomInTib]

24. From a fellow on-line asshole....

You have been on my mind a lot lately, OMC.

And what you wrote about our little community here is spot-on. After Stacey passed on, my best friend and business partner was diagnosed with breast cancer and rushed into a partial mastectomy.

So I threw it down on DU.

The response was unreal, I was floored. I am now "friends" with people who I figured had put me on Ignore long ago.

And I know those kids of yours are gonna run you ragged, but in the long run they will be your salvation, the best therapy you will ever receive. Sounds as if you have a pretty firm hand on that wheel.

So good to hear from you.

Keep your lamp trimmed and burnin'.

Tom

[Bennyboy]

25. Big love to you...and please.....

Get some therapy. When I lost my wife (We had a 10 month old son), years back, it was the one thing that got me through. DO NOT THINK YOU CAN DO THIS ALONE. Even if you cannot go to a personal therapist, go to some type of grief support group. DO THIS TOMMOROW! The sooner you start, the less work you will have to do. Your friends are already in a place where they do not want to hear about it, especially at the depths that you need to go. So the sooner you find an outlet, the better. And your friends will be more likey to remain your friends.

Do some studying on herbal, botanical supplements that you can take for anxiety (Which you have now) and depression (which you will not be able to avoid) I have found that products made from the Acai berry are pretty good. Go to your natural health foods store or an herbalist and see what they can offer. Ihave found that doctors, when it comes to mental illness, are complete fools. they prescribe pills and in y experience, make things worse. Then they prescribe more plls.. and more pills.. etc.

get out of the house. One night a week, have somone watch the kids. Go do something. ANYTHING. Not date, but do something. maybe there is a team trivia contest around your town? Go out with a friend and tr to have some fun. Yeah, t will be hard, nd you may not have any fun, but at least you are not staying home and reliving the last few months. At some point you will have some fun.


The sooner you start any of the above, the sooner you will be able to get over some of this grief. te longer you put it off, the longer it will take.

My thoughts are with you.

[Genevieve]

27. Dear Jeremy

Thank you so much for writing.

I know what you're feeling - I've been through what you're going through.
I think of you quite often. I know how hard this is -- You are so amazing and strong.

I wish for you peace.

[Rick Myers]

28. I send you all good karma, Jeremy

I understand all the points you make... It's a horrible time and you have to make so many decisions, and then people don't know what to say to you...

I know that time heals, but there will always be those little moments and things that bring the memories. In time you get to cherish them, but it's so overwhemling at first...

Godspeed. You are a member of a big family here at DU.

Take care of yourself.

Peace.

Rick

[pnwmom]

29. Thank you for staying in touch, Jeremy, I have been praying for you

through this. I still think about what your little son said to you on the morning that Stacey died -- what a gift. Thank you so much for sharing his words with us. Love to you and yours.

[malaise]

30. The pain will ease

and a flood of wonderful memories will remain. This must be a very hard time for you. Hug your kids and play board or card games with them. That will keep you occupied for a bit.

[Frustratedlady]

31. Jeremy! I'm SO glad you dropped by to let us know how you are doing...

and to vent a bit. Hey! We're good listeners and venting some of that steam will help, believe me.

I found the hardest thing was to get through the firsts. The first week, month, holiday. I hated holidays and I didn't want to go out to eat, as people would come up and offer their sympathy. They meant well, but... I still hate to see my neighbors or friends take off together on trips. I've been left out of parties or events with our old friends. It's almost as though I died too. I pretty much have a new circle of friends and, guess what? They are all widows.

I remember when my brother died at 42. It took a long time to watch TV, as there was one joke after another about death or cancer. Neither were funny any more and I couldn't bear to watch for fear they'd have another flippant comment about death. I understand exactly what you are saying. That will pass.

As for the headstone people, all kinds of businesses will come knocking. I couldn't believe that we received a call the next day after my husband died wanting to know if I was going to sell my house. I kept a list. Those who wanted to buy his stuff were at the top...the Do Not Sell To This Person list. I called them vultures.

It's a whole new experience, but you'll get to a point where you can make it through a day without saying "I'm so sorry." It took me a long time, but I suddenly realized I had stopped doing that. I got busy with painting rooms and was so tired at the end of the day, I just fell into bed. He was around and let me know by turning things on and off. Changing the clock back and forth...lots of ways. Be open to them. The knowledge that Stacey is around will get you through this. She doesn't want to see you suffer. Let her help.

Now! What can WE do to help? Although some have given to the Komen site, many of us still wanted to do something to help you and the boys besides just being here. What would work best???? I promise, it won't be steaks.

Bless you all!

[Missy Vixen]

39. frustratedlady, I'm so sorry for your loss as well

>I couldn't believe that we received a call the next day after my husband died wanting to know if I was going to sell my house.<

I'm not attempting to upstage anyone on this thread, but I did want to say that I was approached at my mother's funeral by a "friend" of the family that wanted to "help" me sell my mother's house. I was the executrix of the estate, and overruled by both sisters. I hope the former "friend" enjoyed the full commmission she took on the sale, because I haven't spoken to her in sixteen years, and plan to never speak with her again. To say that I am still shocked at the behavior of someone who would do this at a loved one's funeral is an understatement.

Jeremy, my thoughts are with you and your sweet little boys. There are no words to tell you how sorry I am for what happened, and how sad I am that we've lost someone as wonderful as Stacey.

Julie

[virgdem]

33. Thanks for giving us an update...

It sounds like you are just beginning to grasp the enormity of what you have just been through. There will be some very tough days ahead, but know that you have the support of all of us at DU.

Once you have some time and distance from your tragic loss, please do get some help. There are many grief support groups out there and they will help you immensely.

Peace to you friend. May the days get easier for you as you travel the road ahead.

[Ellipsis]

34. Keep sharing...

when you can, it helps us all.

Good to see your words, every one.

[omega minimo]

35. "Schtick" it in yo ear, OMC

:hug:


"...while so easily being able separate the REAL me from the prick online me...."

"I know how harsh I've been to some here and how much of an over the top wiseass I could be. But that's just online 'schtik', so to speak, and it's just a persona that evolved over time here until it was something that I couldn't even control anymore. But that's just a tangent of my personality and isn't even remotely representative of who or what I am in real life. In real life, I'm an amazingly caring and deep person who wants no harm to come to anyone. But online I can definitely turn into one hell of an argumentative prick. But the overwhelming majority of you were able to separate the two distinctions, and it warmed my heart that you did so. I didn't want this to be about 'OMC'. I reached out desperately as me, Jeremy, who really needed caring people to help pray for one of the most innocent, caring and wonderful people on this planet; my wife Stacey. This was always about her, and never about some stupid online persona."


You need your energy. Don't waste it on "some stupid online persona." Or create an un-stupid one, maybe one you CAN control... use all that power for good.

[applegrove]

36. Take care of you and yours. You sound like you are doing an amazing job.

[The Straight Story]

37. My good friend, I do understand those damned panic attacks

and they suck. Was so bad after my mom died, then mary, then the X wife, etc that I could not even go to the store without freaking out.

I spent a lot of time with a psychologist over those things and more.

I thank you for your post as it was truly amazing and covered things many of us don't really think about in situations like yours.

Feel free to PM me if you want someone to talk to on the phone sometime.

[gateley]

38. You're well loved, Jeremy. We're with you during this painful process. nt

[MADem]

40. Hang in there, sport. It never gets easy, but it does get easier. NT

[flvegan]

41. Good to hear from you, OMC

Hang in there, and you know you've got lots of folks thinking about you and your family.

[flamingyouth]

42. Hey Jeremy

I'm so glad you posted. I was thinking of you this morning.

I totally know what you mean about the headstone ads. AUGH

The funeral costs are horrible. When you're young you don't expect you need funeral insurance. My dad was somehow able to talk the funeral home rep into giving me the discounted rate on my husband's funeral (still not really sure how he did that). Do you have someone (friend, family member) to help you with the paperwork? It is truly overwhelming.

Have you been to see your doctor about your panic attacks? I think it's normal that many people need a low dose of Ativan or Xanax during times of terrible stress in their lives.

There are lots of great online support groups for grief. I don't know if you're ready for any of that yet, but at some point it might help, especially regarding parenting issues, etc.

You're in our prayers and please stay in touch. :hug:

[SarahB]

43. I'll tell you something, Jeremy.

If you ever need to unleash or talk or whatever, drop me a PM. I don't know you you hardly at all. In fact, you were one of a handful of people or my husband's ignore list (off now thanks to his wife saying, "Dude, take the guy off ignore and read what he's writing" :() when you were at the height of you OMC-ness. Honestly, I kind of thought you were a jerk too, but I don't let my blood pressure get too riled up about anything online. I'm an RN that works in women's health which is an aside really and makes me no more of an expert on anything other than I see more stuff and experience this stuff and understand more from the detached medical end of things.

I guess I've read everything you've wrote and what I remember was what happened when I was 14. My uncle died suddenly and the time, I spent almost 2 weeks as the caretaker to my 2 and 4 year old cousins. This was 21 years ago. I've gone through lots of "life stuff" growing up with a disabled brother, interesting parents (so to speak), marriage, had my kids, divorce, remarriage, but what stands out to me as the moment I came of age in my life, was when I was caring for my 4 year old cousin the night of her father's death (everyone else in the family was so shocked, grief-stricken, and busy, so I was the default babysitter) and I had to try to explain death to this little girl. I don't even remember what I said or how I handled it, but I remember her being comforted at the time.

Years later, these 2 little girls are now a Veterinarian and an RN. The credit goes to their amazing mom who, like you, was suddenly faced with the loss of her young spouse. They had their challenges and I know my aunt was very lonely sometimes, but she loves her girls and did an amazing job.

In all honesty, I'm not so much a DU-person anymore, I only post a few times a weeks and only read a handful of things, but I always read your posts. You always touch me and if I can do anything (if you ever need an ear privately from a nonjudgmental person who doesn't have any agenda) or just by writing a message like this saying, "It can and will be ok for your children", I guess I feel like I'm doing something.

I wish you peace at this time and plenty of extra energy to handle it all. It's not going to be easy, but there's all sorts of people out there who truly care about you and your children.

[uppityperson]

45. I will second everything you wrote SarahBelle. Thanks for writing it for me.

Peace to you OMC/Jeremy

[tularetom]

44. You're doin fine

Shit like this isn't supposed to happen and when it does it knocks you on your ass for awhile. You'll focus on those wonderful kids and keep Stacey's memory alive by raising them like the two of you would've done. Take your time getting back into things, even DU, and keep us posted. Ya might piss some of us off but we still care about you and want the best for you.

[DearAbby]

46. OMC, you have a good head on your shoulders

doing what is best for you already. Talking, well writing it all out. You'll be alright, I know you will be. You have people all around you who love and care about you, and you have your online family here. We will always be here for our DU Family.

[BrklynLiberal]

47. Jeremy. You and your sons have been on my mind. I have been perusing the lounge posts looking to

see if you had posted anything.

It is wonderful of you to take the time to keep us updated.
You and your family are people we know and love by now.
All they symptoms you describe I believe are perfectly normal for someone who has gone thru what you have.
I agree with the advice that you might try to find a therapist or grief support group...and not try to do this all by yourself. The most comforting words one can hear are "I know how you feel."
I know that you will do a great job with your boys..and Stacey's memory will always be a part of their lives, as well as yours.
Keep posting. It is good for you..and good for us as well.

[kath]

48. Good to hear from you, OMC

Like many others, I've been checking here several times a day to see if there's any word from you. And although I haven't posted anything so far (I'm not that good at expressing myself in writing, and words seemed so inadequate in the face of the enormity of your situation), you and your little ones have been on my mind a lot. You said it best - your situation "just, simply, sucks". My heart goes out to you.

I'm a pediatrician, not currently in practice, so naturally your boys have been on my mind a whole lot. Thought I would point you in the direction of some resources that could help them.
Many communities have support groups for grieving children (even here in the red-state hell of OK we have one). I found this New Jersey group via the google:
http://www.rainbowsnj.org/ Looks like their main center is in Summit, which isn't real far from you, and they may have other centers as well. Their site has some pages with basic info for parents, lists of helpful books for parents and children, etc. There may be other groups nearer to you -- I'd bet that the nurses (and/or social worker) at Sloan-Kettering would be more than happy to help you find the best local resources.

Dr. Earl Grollman is somewhat of an authority on children and grief. Books of his include "Explaining Death to Children" and "Talking About Death: A dialogue Between Parent and Child". Here is the Amazon link for the latter, including reviews: http://www.amazon.com/Talking-about-Death-Dialogue-Between/dp/0807023639

I read some of Grollman's stuff years ago (I'm not sure exactly which book) and it seemed very helpful.


An interview w/ Dr. Grollman: http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/professionals/grollmaninterview.shtml

When my sister-in-law was murdered by her abusive ex-spouse, leaving a 2 1/2 and 7 year-old, I read this book, and gave a copy to my mother-in-law, who raised the kids after their mom's murder:
"Season of Grief: Helping Children Grow Through Loss" by Donna Gaffney. Looks like it's no longer in print, but your library may have a copy. Written by a woman whose husband died (of cancer, IIRC) leaving her with very young children - I think one was only 4 or so.

Some of the better things that a brief google search (children grief preschoolers) turned up:
The "children's" page of the hospice.net website has a lot of good information: http://www.hospicenet.org/html/child.html

"The grief of preschoolers and the questions they ask": http://www.highmarkcaringplace.com/images/preschoolers.pdf


Virtual hugs to you and your little ones, Jeremy. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[supernova]

93. HIghly recommend kath's post ^^^

Thank you, kath.

As a lay person who has worked with dying patients in the Cancer center (from the admin end: arranging tests, solving insurance issues, more importantly lending a ear when the doc wasn't available (often), and as someone who has experienced a lot of personal grief and trying circumstances all of those suggestions are very helpful.

You're doing well, OMC. But don't forget to let your kids grieve too. Don't spare them that. They will tell you when they will need to talk about how much they miss their Momma, maybe even be mad at her for leaving so soon. That's appropriate and healthy.

:hug: for you and your kids, OMC

[Redstone]

49. No apologies needed. None whatsoever.

Redstone

[havocmom]

51. Hey, 's OK. You can vent all you need to.

It is a form of progress.

Know we are here.

Know today is not what forever feels like. I promise this to be true.

[WillyT]

52. Gigantic Hugs To You, Jeremy !!!

:grouphug:

[midlife_mo_Jo]

55. delete posted in wrong place again.

[SallyMander]

53. Oh, thank you for writing this

So many of us who only "know" you online have still been swept up in your story... thinking of you... sending hugs and support to you and your boys.

I'm so glad to read this -- i really feel that you're doing as well as one could possibly do with your situation. I don't know where you find the strength but it's wonderful, i'm sure it's what Stacey would want -- a true testament that you can step up and be a great dad in her absence.

Again, my condolences... we are always here to listen!

[Scooter24]

54. Jeremy

thank you for taking the time to come here and write that very thoughtful post. It's a difficult time for your family, but please know that you, the boys, and Stacey are in our thoughts and prayers. I lost my Grandmother a few years ago to breast cancer so I know how much it hurts to lose a loved one to something so horrible.

I offer you and your family the warmest of thoughts and hope. Please let us know if there is anything more we can do for you. We look forward to OMC's return. :)

[midlife_mo_Jo]

56. I've been following your posts

and it was so very heartbreaking to read the news that your wife had died.

Breast cancer is a beast, and it's so sickening that it's usually more aggressive in younger women. How completey and totally unfair.

I know you didn't ask for suggestions, but may I ever so gently suggest talking to a counselor? As time moves slowly forward, I think your children will need to feel comfortable expressing their own grief. My husband lost a little brother, and he was never allowed to grieve his loss, and he thinks it really hurt his ability to feel and express his emotions.

However, do what you have to do for now. Whatever it takes to get you through the day so that you can be their for your kids - well - just do it. Things will all sort out in the long run. You seem like such a wonderful dad. I know you will do the right thing for your precious children. You know them best.

Take care.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

99. I so agree with that advice

Having the surviving parent pretend that everything's just dandy when the other parent is gone forever can cause psychological problems later.

Don't hide your or anyone else's grief from them. Let them grieve if they need to.

That thing about not letting other people express grief in front of your children really raised a red flag with me.

Death and grieving are a part of life. You can't shelter children from them forever, and from the way it sounds, you're leaving open the possibility (in their inexperienced minds) that Mommy will come back some day.

You aren't protecting them. You're protecting yourself from seeing them sad.

I know I'm the last person you want to accept advice from, but I've known too many people who had severe delayed reactions or trouble with not trusting their own emotions because they felt sad and frightened inside while thinking that they were expected to be cheerful and stoic.

[Irishonly]

57. Thanks for the update

I have been checking the lounge daily. You and your boys have been on my mind and I was wondering how you have been doing.

I can't really add to the wisdom that people have shared with you only to second what they have said. The firsts are very hard but with the love of your family, friends and online family, I hope the pain will be eased. I lost my mom in 1980 right before Thanksgiving. I still cry when I watch the Rocketts perform in the Macy's parade. Everything came to a stop when the Rocketts were on TV.

Stacey lives in all of you. Few people are blessed with a love of their life. You were and have two wonderful children. I will keep all of you in my prayers. I am a breast cancer survivor and you can always PM me if you ever want to vent. Cancer knows no age and it's insidious.

[abq e streeter]

58. Hello Jeremy

my name is Ron and I'm a pretty new Duer (since July 4th). So I wasn't really familiar with that allegedly obnoxious OMC guy. Just OMC who humbly and bravely reached out to anonymous fellow progressives all over the country in his time of sadness and need. I'm trying to hold the tears back as I write this... I read a LOT of your posts and the loving responses you got and I will never forget them, as you obviously won't. I will continue to pray for you and your kids. As much of a handful as they'll be, they will also provide you with laughter and joy and pride . My mom died of breast cancer when I was a teenager and you've helped me understand a little better what my dad must have been going through. I humbly thank you for that gift in the midst of your unfathomable sorrow. Life went on of course for my dad, my brother and me, and in time, we all experienced many, many moments of, as I mentioned above, happiness, joy and laughter. Those will come to you again some day, my friend. I swear they will...If you have financial problems due to all this, and it sounds like you may, you've trusted us to help with thoughts and prayers etc... Please don't be ashamed to tell us you need help beyond what friends and family are doing, OK? I don't have a lot, and I'm sure many DUers are in a similar position, but there's many, many of us who would help with whatever small amounts we could. Hopefully, if you do need this type of help, someone on DU who's a more organized person than myself ( being a rather scatterbrained sort) can set something up, and I for one would be happy to help out in whatever small way I could. Much love to you, Ron (abq e streeter)

[ChazII]

59. Maybe now is the time to let go of OMC

and be Jeremy here at DU.

Glad to see you posting and to read that your family is doing well. You already know that the all those 'first events' are coming up and have dealt with some already. Thoughts and prayers are being said daily (and all day) for you by your DU family.

[hisownpetard]

60. Thanks so much for taking the time to write. I think about you and your boys every day,

and how beautiful your love for Stacey is and was. In that regard, she was a very fortunate woman.

I would like to say something about how you're making such an effort to be happy about Stacey's being called by God
to be an angel, but don't want to do so unless you want to hear it. If you do, please PM me.

You're a strong person and are doing a terrific job! Be kind to yourself, and rest whenever you can grab a few minutes.

I hold all of you in my heart.

[zippy890]

61. we're here for you

:grouphug:

[SmokingJacket]

62. My heart breaks for you.

I wish I could carry some of the pain for you. You are truly living a nightmare. This has been the most terribly painful thing I've ever read on the internet.

However, you are clearly a wonderful person and your kids are lucky to have you.

I just hope you can find some comfort and relief, somehow.

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

63. Thanks for letting us know - hang in there!

My husband and I were so touched by your love for Stacey. She didn't deserve this, and neither do you.

This essay helped my mother and me after Dad died in 1983, especially the last two paragraphs. It may be of some comfort to you.

Take care.

http://www.rwe.org/works/Essays-1st_Series_03_Compensation.htm

[murielm99]

64. I think most of us realized that

OMC and Jeremy are not identical. Real life people are much more complex than anything any of us display here. That is why we jumped in to support you.

I hope I can help. I lost my first husband to cancer when I was 27. I remarried and raised a family, but I remember the pain and loneliness of those times.

Turn the bureaucracy into a plus. I remember that jumping through those hoops, rather than being a nightmare in the early days after my husband's loss, gave my days structure. Even spending time going out to find a copy machine and organizing the files gave me a reason to get out and get moving. That was better than sitting around. Of course you need time to mourn. But getting everything done can be some form of comfort. You are doing it for Stacey.

I am glad your kids are doing well. But if they need help down the road, don't be surprised. Kids grieve differently than adults. I am sure you will realize that and get them whatever help they need.

Loneliness? That is a big one. It can be actually physically painful, can't it? As far as coping with it in the early stages, you have your children, your home, your mundane tasks, work, etc. When it is less painful, you will probably look for a few other outlets. Take it slowly. The first year is hard, and loneliness is only overcome with the passage of time.

After a few months, I took my dog to obedience training. He missed my husband and became unruly. That helped me. Then, I took some cooking classes at the local community college. Eventually, I became a literacy volunteer. Doing a few things at at time, rather than sitting at home after work, help me overcome the loneliness. Maybe you would rather do things with your boys. It might depend on how much they need you around. But Dads need free time, too.

As far as gifts go, people don't always know what to do. I know that I don't. When my neighbors lost their 19 year old son, I cooked for them. I went to the funeral and visitation. I didn't know what else to do. It was not enough, but it was something. If some of the gifts are inappropriate, at some point, you can pass them on to others. They are inappropriate only because some of us don't know what else to do.

Headstones? Take your time. Don't worry about it until spring.

Take care of your mental and physical health. Please try not to make too many sweeping changes in your life for at least a year. Some people become physically ill if they do that after the death of a spouse.

You sound pretty normal for someone who has just undergone such a terrible loss. You are stronger than you realize.

Now that I have shown my true bossy self, please feel free to accept or ignore anything I have said, but accept my deepest condolences and heartfelt sympathy.

Muriel

[greenbriar]

66. thank you for that

To hear the real shit you are thinking and feeling means a lot

[Gregorian]

67. You've been on my mind. A lot.

I still have sadness over the loss. And I was wondering just last night how you were doing.

Thanks for taking the time to post your thoughts.

Each of us is a universe.

[RFKHumphreyObama]

68. Jeremy, thank you for checking in

Having experienced a loss in my immediate family recently, I know and can relate to some of what you must be going through but you always so eloquently convey the depth of your feelings and emotions so well. My heart aches for you, your children and the family and friends of your wife and I have been thinking about you a lot recently and have in fact been looking out to see if you've posted and was wondering how you were

I know that coming to terms with the loss of an immediate loved one is never easy. I remember after the loss of my immediate family member this year the acute pain, sadness, grief and longing for that person I had. I can especially relate to the part of your post where you say that sometimes you feel like it's a bad dream and that you sometimes expect Stacey to walk through that door and everything would go back to normal.

And boy, can I relate to the headstone commercials thing. Just hours after my immediate family member had passed away and we were still in a state of shock/sadness, we had this guy come around from the funeral agency and he treated us as though we were just one big sales opportunity -brashly going on about the price of coffins and the like. We were so incredibly furious and upset and I had to leave the room eventually because I felt like I would snap if he continued. I'm so sorry you had to go through this horrible commercialization of an industry which by its very nature should be handling events in a dignified, sombre and respectful way appropriate to the situation


I'm hesitant to give advice but I do think you may want to consider joining some sort of bereavment/grief support group in real life. I think that it is helpful to be among people who can identify and emphathize with the feelings of loss and grief and who will probably be going through at least some of the same emotions as you are. You may find that you are able to talk to them and describe your emotions and feelings in a way you can't do so among family and friends. You may also find they have some ideas and helpful advice about coping with grief and coming to terms with loss. Sometimes close friendships and lifelong bonds come about from such groups that can really help keep you going in difficult times.

Perhaps additionally, you may want to get some sort of grief counseling. Different people respond to it in different ways but you may or may not find it helpful

By the way, don't worry about your messages being too long or complaining over what you believe to be petty issues -we'll always be here for you whenever you need to share your feelings, emotions, complaints or grievances however small or trivial you think they may be. And you'll probably find that many of us agree and can relate to what you have to say

Jeremy, I am so, so very sorry beyond what words could ever adequately convey. My thoughts and prayers wil remain with you and your children and family and my deepest sympathies and condolences are also still extended to you all. Know that you can PM either me or a number of other people here if you want to talk and confide

:hug: :hug: :grouphug: :hug:

[Bluestar]

69. My thoughts are with you and the kids

I have never argued with you here, but I always enjoy your posts. They are well thought out and interesting. I think you are doing quite well and you should feel good about that. I send you positive energy.

[juajen]

70. Sweetie, you've lost your other half. It is going to be very hard

for a long time. I'm glad you have the children to keep you somewhat centered. You know that she wants you and those children to be ok, so you will do everything possible to help them deal with their loss, and in doing this, you will get better. The magic word, of course, is time, and, add in patience and love. Allow yourself to cry whenever you need to, even with the children. They need to know they are not alone facing their loneliness. Hugs and kisses from this DU mother.

[GoneOffShore]

71. Hang in there!

It's the toughest thing ever.

But we're all here for you.

Even if it's just a time to vent.

[IndyOp]

72. Ask for help often and immediately accept any help offered.

Not just for the kids, for you too.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[FloridaJudy]

84. I'll second that

Going through grief is the hardest thing there is. It's even worse to do it alone.

You might want to get in touch with your local Hospice: if anyone knows how to make this easier for you, they're it.

You and the boys have been in my thoughts and prayers. Damn, I wish there were something I could do to ease your pain.

[Initech]

73. Sorry to hear that, man.

I recently lost a relative too, and I know what a hassle the whole process is. It sucks.

[Haole Girl]

74. Thank you for checking in with us, Jeremy

Hey, btw, I like the name Jeremy much more than "OMC"! :hug:

[xiamiam]

75. bless you OMC...when my sister died I became aware of John Edwards who had a program on tv

He made me aware that little things that happen during the day are visits...a sort of communication if we allow it...helped a lot because there are many more dimensions that we do not understand...or see..but that doesnt make them any less real...there are still conversations which you will have with Stacey..and which you will actually hear her advice and opinions deep in your heart..thats real as well..I think you deserve a lot of credit for being so open about your feelings..grief is a natural process..for all of us with hearts...allow and in time, it hurts a little less...God Bless You and Your Children..

[redwitch]

76. aw jeez

I wish I had something amazing to say to lift you up. Words fail me. Again. I think you are pretty amazing and I send a :hug: Vent when you need to. There seems to always be someone here and awake to talk to who will offer whatever comfort they can. Count me as one of the many friends you have here.

[mzmolly]

77. OMC/Jeremy

I am so very sorry for your profound loss. I haven't been "here" much lately, so her passing was news to me.

I want to add that I watched your youtube videos and fell in love with both you and your adorable wife Stacy.

"what I wouldn't give for just one more hug, in the middle of the kitchen, like we always used to..."

I hope you'll get one of those hugs in your dreams OMC. Some believe that dreams are where our loved ones can communicate with us, so perhaps?

I will be praying/sending positive thoughts to you and your children/family.

[ClayZ]

78. Good to hear from you!

Sounds like you are going through the stages of grief. It will take a while. Good that the boys are ok, and that you have lots of food in the freezer.

I wish I could bring you guys an apple pie. It would be a long drive, as we are in Seattle.

We just went through a year and a half of hell with my son, who must be about your age. His kids are 3 and 7. He is a firefighter and he works 24 on 24 off, etc. His wife started using drugs and cheating on him. The divorce will be final soon. She has lived with 2 guys since they seperated. It has been hell. I guess there are many kinds of hell. Peace happens with acceptence, perhaps. All we could do was feed him and the children and listen to his grief.

Peace to you!

[Th1onein]

79. OMC, I am so sorry.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[pacalo]

80. Take care, Jeremy.

Thanks for the update. So, so sorry for your loss and all that you're going through.

[roguevalley]

81. talk away, my friend. My father and mother passed ten months

apart, my mom just this May. I felt I was reading my own life story. I cannot tell you how it will get better. the glacially slow progress of recovering from such trauma is astounding. however, you mentioned that you see her around you. Know this: SHE IS THERE. She is there, my friend. Listen for her. Look for her. You will find comfort from this. Grief is a process that is unique to everyone. Just know you have friends here. Talk as long and as often as you need to. We will be here.

RV, finding her way along too. HUGS to you, friend.

[Quakerfriend]

91. W hat rougevalley says is true, Jeremy.

Stacey is very close by. When I read about how your four-year-old told you that Mommy said 'good morning' to him I had to laugh.

Nine years ago when I had cancer, I had many 'visits' from family members who had passed on. They were right at the height of the ceiling and very loving and concerned with doing good. They are right with you, looking for ways to help in any way they can. I hope that this is some comfort to you. But, you must not dwell on looking for signs of Stacey. Just enjoy the moments when she does 'drop in', and know that you WILL be together with her again someday.

And, please know that we have all been thinking about you and the boys. You have touched our hearts in so many ways. You are incredibly strong, Jeremy and, in many ways, you have given US strength with your eloquent writings. So glad you stopped in to let us know how you are doing.

And, I want you to know that I have a cousin who has taken Hyland's homeopathic remedy for panic attacks ('Calming')and says it works like a charm. You can buy it in Whole Foods for 7$. Perhaps this might help.

And, perhaps most importantly, please let us know of your financial needs. We would love to help out. The power of DU is great! Please, please don't be afraid to ask.

Much love to you and the kids.

[Blue_In_AK]

82. Hugs to you and your boys, Jeremy. n/t

[Bonobo]

83. Hey, oddly, my name is Jeremy too.

OMC, I am so sorry for what has happened. Life can be cruel.

I just wanted to post to give my condolences and, as one of your long-time "sparring partners", say that I now can see you as a person and beyond the OMC persona.

You know, if you are the age I think, there weren't a lot of "Jeremys" around when we were kids, right? I never knew any other Jeremys until many years later. I remember when a cherished mug of mine broke. It said "Jeremy" on it and my mother had brought back from a trip to England. I don't know why I thought of that now, but I was kind of surprised to see that you and I share a name and maybe many other things in common.

Again, I am so so sorry, Jeremy. I am sorry too for my own poison pen in the past. Hug, hug, hug those kids. Stacey lives in them.

[cobalt1999]

85. Hang in there.

And don't apologize for your online persona, I've always liked your posts.

[NMDemDist2]

86. Thanks for letting us know how you're doing Jeremy, I know I have been thinking

of you and your boys daily and sending you love and light.

:hug:

Glad you could spare a few moments to update us on how you are doing. Thank you.

[in_cog_ni_to]

87. I wish you well, Jeremy. It sounds like you're headed in the right direction with your boys!

Things will get easier with time and as they get older. You hang in there.:hug: You know you can always come here to vent...we're good listeners! If you ever need advice about the boys, there's thousands of people here who can help. Take care of yourself and you'll be in my thoughts often.:hug:

[SammyWinstonJack]

88. I have been where you are and I know what it is like.

I was a widow at 27 with two small children. It's a hard thing to deal with. My husband died suddenly, a motorcycle accident. I was stunned. I didn't have the support group you have, sadly.

Funeral arrangements were a shock too me as was the rest that followed. It's all a nightmare.

I can only say this. And it will sound callous but it isn't meant that way. Time heals all wounds.

Take care! :loveya: :hug:

[many a good man]

89. It's always good to hear from you

You are living everyone's greatest nightmare. Your and Stacy's goodness and humanity shine through and are an inspiration to all of us. You will make it through this journey.

[Critters2]

90. Thanks, Jeremy

Still thinking of you and your family.

And feel free to vent. I, too, think funeral costs are outrageous!! I recently did a funeral without honorarium for a family for whom I knew the whole thing would be a huge burden. I don't know how they did it, because some of those things had to be paid. And while I could afford to do a "freeby", and was perfectly willing to...some of the related businesses would never be that nice, I'm sure. It is a racket, and it is appalling! Uh-oh, I'm starting to vent.

You sound like you're hanging in. I suspect the panic attacks and paranoia will ease before long. If not, consider getting some grief counseling. You don't need to shoulder all of this alone.

And remember that you are well-loved here in the Lounge. I think of you often, as I know everyone does.
Take care of yourself and those kids :hug:

[SeattleGirl]

92. Thank you for checking in.

I know you are going through so many things right now, but know that we are always here for you and your kids.

:grouphug:

[Lone_Star_Dem]

94. Persona smersona

You're living proof of the fact that there's a real person behind the poster, and that's what we all need to remember. No need to apologize for pointing that out to us.

I know everyone has said this to you until you're about to scream, but...in time things will be easier. You will never be the exact same person you were before, but you will be who you are now. That's all we can ever hope for really.

Focus on the two guys. Which it sounds like you're doing now. Do the best that you can by them and by you. You're in this together. Don't be too judgmental on yourself. It's an easy trap to fall into when you're first dealing with everything alone. Don't wast precious time going there. Trust me, it's not worth it.

Yeah, it does simply suck. But she's still there, just not in the same way. You'll see what I mean in time. Until then I wish you the peace you and your children need to get on with the business that is your family.

[Raejeanowl]

95. I Wondered How You Were Doing

I remember in my case that it was a very early, lush Spring, and I was deeply and painfully resentful that the whole world was so ALIVE. Like that song "The End of the World," no one-including Mother Nature-seemed to have a clue.

I also had the panic attacks, hyperventilating and paranoia, and forced myself to talk to the people I thought were looking at me funny, to at least say "hello." Prosaic, even downright boring things like folding the laundry, helped. You might try sitting on the porch 15 minutes every evening to have the smoke breaks with a trusted neighbor.

You will continue to survive one day, one step, one heartbeat at a time.

[Zephyrbird]

96. I'm so sorry.

All the things you're feeling are part of the grieving process. Look, this happened so fast you were IN NO WAY able to prepare, adjust, think ahead, or think the unthinkable, which is what has happened. I'm sure you feel someone has beaten you with a 2x4.

The shock is the worst part. And I'll say it again, there are certain markers you tell yourself: "okay, I survived the first day, the first week, the first month, the first year." Survival isn't pretty. It just is what it is--but it's necessary.

You're going to want to talk about her over and over. Come here when you need to. Talk until you get carpal tunnel! :)

I wish you and your boys the best. I can't believe you have the presence of mind to discipline them! You are already looking forward, believe it or not!

Oh yeah, I heard about OMC being a prick sometimes. I never saw it as I recently came back to DU. But I always hold forth that the biggest bastards in a political site are usually the biggest teddy bears in real life. Hold on to that passion! It will come back.

In the meantime, rest, grieve, heal and come back when you need a boost.

[laylah]

97. ...

:hug: Thank you for the update, Jeremy. I have been looking for a word since last week. Take care of YOU, that is what your lovely wife would want.

[CBHagman]

98. Thanks for being so honest.

Wishing you strength and comfort and all things you need at this time.

Peace be upon you and your kids.

On edit: A link to some prayers that are meaningful at this time.

http://www.canterburymsu.org/warprayers.html

O God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will always lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. There fore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone. -- Thomas Merton

[TSIAS]

100. Great post

I was one of those who was too connected with your online persona to feel true sympathy. But after reading this , I weep for your pain. I cannot imagine what you are going through.

Hang in there, Jeremy. Just try to stay strong for your kids. My Mom had her Dad die in her teens, and that was just awful. I cannot imagine young kids losing their mother so young and suddenly.

My thoughts are with you.

:love:

-Taylor

[devilgrrl]

101. Thank for the update and for being honest.

All the best to you and the boys. :hug:

[madrchsod]

102. that`s why we are here

sometimes it seems it`s all we do here is bitch about stuff but your posts put everything in perspective...life is to short and we must live each day to the fullest and cause no harm to others around us. i feel so sad that such a young family had face what you have at such a young age...hell it should be old guys like me.

yes the cold world of laws and commerce have no comfort for the living...

[Beaverhausen]

103. Jeremy- so glad you posted

We've all been thinking about you.

I want to echo what some others have said about reaching out for some professional help with your grief, or at least a support group. It's hard for people who haven't gone through what you have to relate to it, as well-intentioned as everyone is. (When a friend of mine lost her 17-year-old son last year, a support group of other grieving parents really helped her.) Reaching out and asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of.

:hug:

[bridgit]

104. sup dude, all the best...

:hi:

[Capn Sunshine]

105. I wish you peace amigo

You will go on and your life will resume; the pain and shock will not diminish, but you will learn to cope with it and lock it away in a dark corner of your heart. Your kids will need you, and you will need them. And the love of your fellow man will be sorely tested at times.
Peace and serenity to you , may your journey continue and may it be fruitful and fulfilling in its next chapter.

[Breeze54]

106. It's really nice to meet the 'real' you!

I'm glad you checked in and gave us all an update.

Maybe it would help if you can find an online support group for single fathers?

I found these... http://www.carepages.com/carepages_dads.jsp">Dad's Care Pages or http://widow.meetup.com/182/?gj=sj10">this one.


One step at a time... you'll get there. :hug:

[Sugar Smack]

107. The loneliness and panic attacks

can really make you feel weak. It's OK. We are here for you. I mean it.

[hfojvt]

108. so you smoke, eh?

you've just lost all progressive cred with me. :spank: :P

I just checked out your journal and wonder if it would help you to watch the video posted at the top there. I just watched it. It reminded me sorta, of that horrible Garth Brooks song that seems to be played at so many wedding dances. "our lives, are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss, the, dance." I hate that song, but the lyrics seem appropriate now.

Ironic that you posted it on the 39th birthday of the woman I wanted to marry some 14 years ago.

Anyway, I wish you well, and hope you can draw strength from the dance. Also, DU is here 24/7 if you want somebody to talk to or listen to. You should also know that there are some HHHers like myself. Hugh Hillary Haters who do not plan to vote for her even if she gets the nomination. So when that terrible day comes, you definately (sic) need to come back here and kick some a$$ and take names.

[WilliamPitt]

109. Brother...

No words yet.

I'm here if I can do anything.

You're an oak. Believe it.

:hug:

[Jeanette in FL]

110. We will always be here for you

I am so glad that you posted your thoughts and shared with us your grief. Like so many others, I have not been able to get you and the boys out of my mind.

I wish I was closer, I would take the boys for a few hours to give you a break.

You have been given some great advice from those who have walked in your shoes, don't hesitate to get help when you need it or if the boys need it.

Don't hesitate to vent to us when you need that too.

Your story has been a great lesson for all of us.

I wish there was some way to take your pain away. I guess for now you need to just go with the flow and know that Stacey will always be with you. Take care of yourself and we will always be here for you.

[GalleryGod]

111. Hang Tough.

I know what unexpected death is like. Especially when you're young.
Take care.

[Midlodemocrat]

112. (((((HUG)))))) to you and those beautiful little boys.

We're here for you, Jeremy. You know how to reach me if need be. :hug:

[China_cat]

113. I know you believe that your are doing the right thing for your boys

by not letting anyone show grief...and not letting them grieve for their mother, but please, please, please do not take that away from them. They WILL have to grieve for her and if they don't do it now it will hit them someday when they are an adult and be so much worse. Not to mention the anger they will bear you for not allowing them their normal feelings and the expression of them.

My mother died of breast cancer at the age of 40. My youngest sister was a very young 10 at the time and the family did to her what you are doing with your boys. She's now 54 and about 8 years ago, it hit her that she had never been allowed to grieve for her mother. It all got put away with all the upbeat 'mom's in a better place and is with you always' type of thing. At 50, she realized that she had been so idealizing our mother that she had NO -real- memories of her left. Not one. This left her grieving for someone she couldn't even remember.

It's ok for your boys to be sad. They need to be sad. They need to grieve. Please let them.

[AirmensMom]

114. Thank you, Jeremy,

for sharing with us. :hug: :grouphug: We'll be here for you for as long and as often as you need us. I'm glad it helps you to come here and see how many people care.

You and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers.

[mcscajun]

115. So glad you checked in, Jeremy.

No need to do so constantly; we know you have a lot of things on your mind, and many responsibilities. There's some solid support for you here at DU, and a lot of sound advice in this thread; particularly about getting out on your own a little every so often. Your new life can become a pressure cooker if you let it - Don't.

I sent you a PM a couple of weeks ago. Just a reminder: I'm just up the road a bit. :hug:

[NewJeffCT]

116. Thank you for your post

I'm glad the people at DU were able to help in at least some small way. Your posts touched a lot of people - I'm sure it was many more than those who responded.

[gademocrat7]

117. Dear Jeremy

You and the boys continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for all that you going through.

[Kajsa]

119. Thank you, Jeremy.

I always knew the Jeremy in OMC.

You are going through one of the hardest things anyone
can go through.
Writing about it helps, immensely.

Your boys are fortunate to have such a great dad.
Damn straight it's hard! I raised my autistic son on
my own with a little help from my parents.

You are doing fine. Draw that line in the sand!
They need it, and you need it.
Let them know it's OK to be sad. Because
that feeling is there and acknowledging it will help
them get through this.

Thanks so much for the update.
You never ramble, IMHO.

God Bless all of you.

:hug: :grouphug:

[helderheid]

118. I'm so glad you checked in. I think about you and your family every day.

What has happened to you is so horrific. There simply aren't any words I could offer to help alleviate any of the pain and hardship. I'm holding my husband and children closer.

I know you've heard it before but if there is anything I can do, please let me know. Is there a trust fund I can donate to for the boys?

[hedgehog]

120. DOn't be afraid to let the kids be sad sometimes. Let them know it's

OK to miss her. Take it minute by minute, you'll get through. If people are looking at you, it's because they don't know what to say. Take it as a sign that they wish they could help.

[debbierlus]

121. You are in my thoughts every day

Positive light & love to you and your children. Let us know, if you need anything...

Take the best of care.

[Greyskye]

122. Hang in there man.

OMC can definitely be a jerk, but Jeremy is one hell of a guy. You and the kids are going to make it through this. :thumbsup: :grouphug:

[BarenakedLady]

123. *hugs*

After all your words, that is all I can offer. :hug: I think of you and your boys often.

[Highway61]

124. Oh My Goodness

We left for Maine last week and am still here...I drove into town to get on the net. I have been thinking of you so often. I checked my email and logged in to DU and here we are. So nice to hear from you....Everything you mentioned and what you are feeling is so normal. It WILL get better...Just baby steps right now. Will touch base when we get back this week...PLEASE let me know of anything I can do to help. You are in my prayers.

P.S. Ya had me laughing however, when you mentioned what folks will do to "help" out. They mean well...but really...sometimes it's the dumbest things that will irritate you...your emotions are all over the map right now...what is meant to be a nice gesture throws you over the edge...
Got Steak?????

:hug:

[Beetwasher]

125. If You Need Any Help Eating That Steak

Drop me a PM. I'm in Bloomfield. Just two assholes (or w/ kids too, whatever) hanging out having a couple of beers and steaks.

You and I have had it out online, but I never took anything personally, and I'm sure you didn't either. Don't know what kind of support, family and friends you have locally, but if you need anything I'm pretty close by, dude.

FYI, my best friend lost his wife a couple of years ago to cancer and we would just hang out and bullshit about anything but, play music, drink beer etc., and he claims that was the best therapy for him. It made him feel relatively normal again (or close to it).

[redqueen]

126. ...

:pals:

Dunno what to say... just... :hug:

[mvd]

127. Oh, OMC - again, I am very sorry about your loss

Take care of yourself and the kids.

[Iris]

128. the way you described Stacey and your love for her... well, no one who loved someone like her

could be a total prick.


And your honest, uncensored posts during such a horrible time have made me much less cynical about the Internet and how it connects us all - like it or not.

[1gobluedem]

129. I think of you and your family daily

I think you're doing a great job with your boys. Sorry about all the red tape the 'authorities' are putting you though; as if this situation was not tragic enough.

Stacey has touched my life and I so admire the love you have for her and your strength for your boys.

:hug:

[Bake]

130. Be strong, brother

Get help with the panic attacks; I've had 'em too and I know what you mean, you just have to hunker down and wait until it passes. Lexapro has done wonders for me.

Beyond that, I have no words that can comfort you; just know that we're all here for you.

Bake

[Pale Blue Dot]

131. I am amazed not only at how you're handling all of this,

but at how remarkably candid and self-aware you are about your "DU persona". I have newfound respect and admiration for you as a person.

Hang in there, Jeremy. :hug: