A Serious Question...

[SPKrazy]

if you love yourself

how did you get to that point, I mean to really love yourself?

I'm asking, because I haven't gotten to that point, and I'm 46 fucking years old and I'm tired of not being there.

I've gotten a lot of suggestions, I'm just asking this for ideas and suggestions from people here.

So post 'em if you got 'em!

:hi:

thanks in advance.

[zabet]

1. Acceptance of self.

Embrace who you are. You cannot expect anyone
else to love you if you do not love yourself.

[SPKrazy]

6. that is a problem

i can't expect others to "fix me", and I need to realize that my pain is something that I have to work through and live and experience and not expect someone else to make me feel better.

I think I put too much on others because of that.

:hi:

thanks

[zabet]

22. Pain is a necessary part of growth.

"If it don't break ya, it'll make ya" sort of thing. Everyone
has pain. The key is to learn from it, objectively (that is the
hard part). Never ever let it own you forever.
:hi:

[SPKrazy]

28. I've let some pain

own me

and I'm dead tired of it

so i'm going to work on it

and your suggestions are great!

pain is necessary

i've heard that misery is optional

letting go means going through it

:hi:

[Capn Sunshine]

105. That's a great first step

deciding to do something about your pain. Taking yourself back from it.

I'm going to suggest what worked for me; and I hope it works for you.

Just find a place in your heart or soul or mind that is a nice deep dark hole with a lockable door. Everyone has several of these. Place your pain in there, but don't lock it up until you are ready.
Because you sometimes need that pain. At least, I did, and I recognize that now. It's interesting to try to step outside of yourself and feel the different ways you can exploit that negative chi.

Oh yeah. One last thing. Quit drinking for awhile, and go for long long walks. The kind that last all day.

good luck, amigo.

[Critters2]

2. I don't like me. Which is more than most people do.

Most people ignore me. I'd rather be disliked. Or something.

[SPKrazy]

15. well, hmmm

i didn't completely follow that :P

but

i hate to say it, but i kind of like you, and your groundhogs :P

[Critters2]

16. I think the groundhogs have gone into hibernation.

I miss them.


Thanks for liking me, Southpaw!!

[SPKrazy]

21. hey...

you said something to me in a post once that hit me between the eyes

you said i seemed "needy"

you were dead on

i'm looking to change my neediness because i "need" to be okay with me

and not expecting anyone else to make me okay in any way

no one can

:hi:

oh and you are welcome, :hug:

[Critters2]

27. Did I?

I probably was kidding when I called you "needy". I don't tend to think of you that way. I think of me that way, but not you. I really enjoy you. You and I have been involved in some threads that had me ROTFLOL! Really! And I love a person who makes me laugh!

And you've shown real support to lots of DUers. I admire that.

So, needy or not, you're okay by me, SPK!!

[SPKrazy]

30. well okay

i think that maybe it was what i needed to read that day and it has had an impact on me as it has percolated.

thanks!

:hug:

[Critters2]

33. Some times I get lucky

:)

[SPKrazy]

35. yeah...

glad for that

:)

[Critters2]

42. Me too.

Gotta hit the hay. I'm fighting an ear infection....and losing. Have a good night, SPK. And remember what a good person you are. 'Night.

[Droopy]

3. I'm not there, either. But I'm trying.

What seems to be working for me is doing positive things that make me feel good about myself. I'm in the application process of volunteering for a suicide prevention hotline. Today I went to a UU church that is involved with making our community a better place in the hope that I will be able to assist them in their endeavors. My dad recently had surgery on his neck and he still can't drive or get around too good. I help him with his groceries and prescriptions and hang around and talk to him which he says really helps to take his mind off of the pain.

I guess what I'm getting at is that the more you give of yourself the better you will feel about yourself. It's starting to work for me anyway. :)

[SPKrazy]

4. I think that there is something to that!

getting out of one's self that is.

thanks

:hi:

[Wapsie B]

5. Knowing that you deserve better in life;

that you're worth the best. Not being addicted to the inner anger anymore. Lots and lots of long walks, positive self-talk. Very good question! I'm working on that one too.

[SPKrazy]

9. thanks!

good suggestions

amazingly my anger level has decreased so much over the last year... what it has revealed though is a layer of pain i guess i'd call it.

long walks, positive self talk

good ideas

thanks

:hi:

[Wapsie B]

14. you're welcome!

but getting on wellbutrin and getting out of a marriage i didn't belong in also helped a great deal


:hi:

[SPKrazy]

17. well...

some lexapro seems to be helping me a lot

i seem to be able to see things in myself better and listen to realistic feedback

my goal is a quiet mind

maybe that is better than loving myself.

i don't know

just like to have peace sometimes instead of the noise that rolls around my head

:pals:

[Fire Walk With Me]

46. A noisy mind?

Focus awareness of the body, in the body, doing these sixteen simple contemplations. They've been around for thousands of years because they work. I'll vouch for it.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/mn/mn.118.than.html

[driver8]

7. I turn 45 in 2 hours and 40 minutes...I'm not there yet, either.

Sounds like a great place to be, though.

[SPKrazy]

11. Happy Birthday in advance

I guess I'm not alone, although not a true comfort, its at least a reality that I'm not.

[Fire Walk With Me]

45. Happy Birthday!

[Solon]

8. I love myself every day, and twice on Sunday...

Wait, what were you asking again?

:hide:

[SPKrazy]

12. I think that is fine

:rofl:

[Solon]

39. On a more serious note, I don't think literally "loving yourself" is necessary...

Unless you are a Narcissistic person. I think the proper answer is whether you are comfortable with yourself, I don't know if it could be properly termed as love, but having a self esteem, a belief that you are "worth something", even if only to yourself, is probably more important than pursuing the ideal of "loving yourself". Unless your self worth is measured by how good your hands are at loving yourself, and in that case, all I can say is practice makes perfect. ;)

[From The Ashes]

10. I'm still working on it...

...so no advice from me. Sorry..

[SPKrazy]

13. well i think you have made some big strides FTA

and that is commendable and I'm proud of you.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

18. heh

:hug:

it's the same way you get to Rockefeller Center


practice practice practice

I think the start of my journey was when someone suggested I write a list of 10 good things about myself

it seemed an impossible chore, but once I started I found I could list quite a few.

then whenever I felt bad about myself, I'd think about that list and how could I make those gifts/talents a bigger part of my life.

the other thing I stopped doing was being an arrogant, selfish asshole and started (appropriately) treating the people around me as I would like to be treated.

and I strive to do one good thing every day for someone else that will have no impact on me, in other words to do a good deed that could have no favorable repercussions in my life.

slowly but surely I started respecting myself more, treating myself better and today I do love me. In a grown up way that doesn't mean I don't recognize my faults, but I can love me in spite of them

ya know?

:hi:

[SPKrazy]

23. thanks friend...

:hug: :hug:

:yourock: and so does Mr. AZ!

really

:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

31. mirror mirror on the wall

who's the fairest of them all?

YOU ARE!!

:pals:









;)

[SPKrazy]

34. well when i tried that...

it wasn't me AZ, at least not yet

did talk to HP, and my sponsor though about this...

it did hit me like a 2x4 between the eyes

i know what one issue is at least.

and thanks again!

:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

36. every day for 30 days friend

it will change your life


I promise.

and well done d00d, you showed courage and willingness

we all know how far that can take a person eh?

:yourock:

[SPKrazy]

47. thanks!

30 days

:shrug:

one day at a time

:hug:

[CaliforniaPeggy]

19. My dear Southpawkicker...

I think the best advice here is to help someone else...

That gets you out of yourself, and provides someone with something they need! Plus it shows you that you can do something for somebody that they cannot do...

Otherwise, being around folks who both know you as well as love you is another really good way to get to love yourself...

My husband helped me in tht regard. I'd always suffered from low self-esteem, and he helped me see I was a much better person than I'd thought...

I hope this helps, sweetie...:hug:

[SPKrazy]

24. Peggy...

you always say things that help me

:hug: :hug: :hug:

you are a gem!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

29. Awww...sweetie...

That is just too sweet of you...

:loveya: :hug: :loveya:

[SPKrazy]

32. no, it's not Peg

you are always supportive and helpful, and I love you

:loveya:

:hug:

[quip]

20. That is why I think a belief in God is essential for happiness

If you believe that you were created by the Creator of the universe for a reason, then that gives one a sense of intrinsic worth. Believing that God loves you (and everyone, for that matter) gives the impetus to help/love others out of gratitude for that love.

:hi:

[NMDemDist2]

25. good answer

I don't think it's essential, but being part of a whole is good

and compassion for others can lead to compassion for our selves when we fall short of our ideals eh?

[SPKrazy]

26. Thanks temeah

I have spiritual beliefs

they do help me

i need to expand those i think, they helped me get to where i can even see this as something i need to look at instead of imploding on myself

[quip]

40. You are a part of creation; you EXIST. Why?

I ask myself that question about my own existence. Was it simply random chance? Perhaps. I'll never know; none of us will. So I CHOOSE to believe that that isn't the case, SPK. And it is that choice that makes life meaningful. But it really is just a choice.

I say choose meaning, and make a difference in the lives of others.

:-) :hi:

[HERVEPA]

66. Essential??? So an atheist or agnostic can never be happy with her/him self?

[Maraya1969]

108. I don't believe that. But remember that a person who believes in God

will automatically think their believe is what causes them to feel good about themselves. And for that person it is true.

But that person is not all people. Your beliefs are what give you peace. That is ok with me and should be ok with you.

:hug:

[riderinthestorm]

37. Work on eliminating fear

Fear is the biggest stumbling block on our path to happiness. You MUST begin leading a life that is true to yourself, without fear - an honestly examined life filled with quirks and oddities.

"Helping others", "believing in God" - platitudes all. And all of them don't work jack shit UNLESS you release your fears. Once you begin confronting your fears, you will begin to lead your true life and begin to experience real happiness.

I can't tell you what your fears are: you know them. What has held you back? What is hard for you? What actions make you quake; mentally or physically? Confront them and move beyond them one at a time and you will experience true joy. Then you will know your real self and truly understand love.

[SPKrazy]

48. I totally agree with your thoughts

fear is crippling

and I have been crippled by fear at different times of my life

but I do believe that I am on a path facing my fears

thanks

:hi:

[johnnie]

38. Just realize you will never be 100% of what you expect of yourself

And the understand that it's ok and you have your whole life to get there. There's no hurry because it will never really happen.

I think most people aren't happy with themselves because they don't really want to be, they want to please others instead of themselves and when they judge themselves they are really just asking "am I someone that people will like?". And that is silly because not everyone will ever like you, it's impossible.

So just think of all the things about yourself, good and bad, and then maybe think of what you would like to work on but understand that everyone has flaws and those flaws are part of who you are and if others don't like it...fuck 'em. You not here to live for them.

[SPKrazy]

49. WOW!

I like that

I agree fuck 'em, I'm not here to live for anyone but myself really.

well other than my son who is 7, and even him is sure not going to be happy with me all the time nor should he be.

:hi:

[RebelSansCause]

41. *sigh* for being at the other end of the spectrum than what you are asking about

i simply hate myself. and i am willing to sacrifice so much to ensure that this world is a better place. it is a bad place to be, self-loathing. you MUST escape self-anger. you must not let who you were in the past consume you in the present. you will become trapped in a never ending vicious cycle. i am a hypocrite for posting this but it is strenuos advice that i give to you, i would never wish my existence on another human being.

for me, i love to go to the hudson river on the west side and just look at the water. it is so peaceful, so calming. i achieve a higher level of being than when i came. a higher clarity. i love being an extremely passionate person, sometimes it just gets the better of me.

i am sorry for rambling, but look at what you have and be grateful for it, and push towards the future as another place where you have another choice. i am hoping for you.

[SPKrazy]

50. thanks friend

gratitude is a valuable tool I think

I forget that I have so much to be grateful for...

:hi:

[Fire Walk With Me]

43. Creating new, positive habits.

It takes attention and repetition, but change is possible.

You -have- to create the willingness to look at yourself as the center of any trouble in your life. Sometimes we want that trouble, for convoluted yet very real reasons. Whether that is the case with you or not, being honest to yourself regarding shortcomings is the key to moving past them. When you're aware of a personal trend, you may then make different decisions.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1561706280/bookstorenow57-20

This may look cheesy, and may be new-agey, but see if it speaks to your insides. (And don't stray too far from this one; she started a book company in her own name and there is some occult garbage there masquerading as knowledge.)

I've enjoyed seeing your having a stronger presence in the Lounge, SPK. You're already on the way.

[SPKrazy]

51. Louise Hay

I have admired her for her work with AIDS patients long before others were doing much about it.

She is alittle new agey, but I agree with some of what I've read from her.

I've scanned that book but not read it.

thanks Peake

you are a good guy

:hug:

[grasswire]

44. have you settled issues with family members?

Isn't that why a lot of people have trouble loving themselves? Because they were made to feel unloveable? I sure know a number of people who are in mid life and still messed up because they are engaged in family of origin struggles. Can you let those go, if that's a problem?

[SPKrazy]

52. There are some issues related to FOO,

and some just related to adolescent fears and loathing of self

I need to explore all of the possibilities.

I've spent a lot of time and money on therapy, and have some insights, but I feel like there is more, and right now, right this minute, I feel like I am on the verge of an awakening that may change my life in ways I can't imagine.

thanks for your input it is very good

:hi:

[Zephyrbird]

53. I'm hearing this a lot lately. Went through three years of hell....

and finally found an answer for myself. I don't know if it will help you, but here goes.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others and finding yourself wanting. Half the time you're seeing things in other people that cover up their own neuroses. Half of that time the things you find wanting in yourself are not being viewed realistically by yourself.

2. Find the phrase, as Wanda Sykes once said: "I don't give a fuck!" and use it where appropriate.

3. Having given yourself permission to fuckity fuck fuck fuck the world, learn to believe that you have the right to exist for yourself. Learning to believe is harder than it sounds. It takes repetition and a good hard look at what has happened to you in this life that made you dislike who you are.

4. Keep in mind, whether you believe in this or not, astrologically you are infinitely precious to existence because you are the only Southpawkicker that has ever or will ever, exist in this universe. The planets align to the exact position of your birth, that snapshot in time, once every 25,000 years---but even then it's not at the same time--you are precious to this entire universe RIGHT NOW during your life. You are the only expression of life force as Southpawkicker that will ever be. That makes you pretty fookin' special!

5. I didn't learn to love myself, I learned to value what I did, whether anybody gave a damn or not. I learned to filter with a big fat dose of cynicism every time somebody yelled at me, was rude, or as in family cases, tried the guilt trip. And as I valued things I did, I learned to value the person who did them--me.

6. Immerse yourself in what you truly love to do. Immerse yourself totally. Become obsessed with it, because in that I rediscovered what I loved as a child, and what I was happiest doing, helping strip away all the layers of judgment, self-loathing (for whatever reason), and releasing the feeling that I had wasted my life. If you love fishing, find every excuse to go. If you love working in the garden (my favorite), think about planning it, read up on flowers or veggies, and learn all you can about it.

7. Stay away from absolutes when you talk to yourself. You know, don't tell yourself you're an asshole because you did or did not do something. You tell yourself you're stupid 30,000 times, by god, you're going to believe it and subconsciously do things that will reinforce that opinion.

8. Stay away from people who engage in behaviours that reinforce the negative attitude toward yourself. I broom people from my life the minute they show they are bullies or will verbally abuse me. Somehow, Southpawkicker, I had come to believe I deserved such abuse and therefore became totally obsequious to the persons abusing me. NEVER. AGAIN. No one has the right to heap abuse on you and expect to put up with it.

9. I also stay away from people who are all new agey and tell you "you just need to think positively and everything will be good!" Ahhhhhhhhh. BULLSHIT! Learning to love yourself and be your own best buddy means recognizing you have a yin-yang balance of good and "bad" in yourself. Both sides deserve attention from you that is objective. Don't overdwell on something you did bad, don't ignore and downgrade things you have done that you were proud of.

10. Do not accept others telling you what you REALLY said, what you REALLY did, what you REALLY meant. Gods, this was the hardest for me. You will find your triggers falling away and being a lot less angry, and finally free from being manipulated by others' emotional diatribes and verbal traps.

11. Learn to tell yourself it's okay to be bitter once in a while and a little pity party now and then is good for the soul. You're living in your skin, nobody else is, so have at it now and then. Just don't trap yourself in it.

I don't know, after three years of constant work, if I love myself. But I am at peace with who I am, proud of what I can do, and a lot stronger in my own identity. I believe this is the way to self-love, which is hard for us because we're never taught even what it is! But I firmly believe the way to it is lined with peace and laughter, not outside lecturing.

[SPKrazy]

54. Thank You!!!!!!!!!

that is awesome!

Thanks for taking the time to write all of that

:pals:

:hi:

now i will bookmark this thread for sure.

:)

[Zephyrbird]

98. Awww, I'm blushin, dude!

And you're very welcome. You can tell I feel passionate about this kind of struggle in anyone.

I want to give you a poem my most excellent friend recited for me during the worst part of my journey. Unfortunately, it was made infamous by McVeigh just before he was executed but it existed long before he did. It helped me a lot, without bunches of namby-pamby blather.

INVICTUS

By William Ernest Henley; 1849-1903

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.


:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

59. regarding #7

I heard once somewhere that when your mind says 'always' or 'never' it's the 3 year old in you talking

children deal in absolutes so when your head tells you it will never be different or you'll always be wrong/sad/a mess it's the child in you that talking.

recognize it's not your adult mind immediately and remind yourself nothing is forever

it was very enlightening when I found this info and started listening to my inner dialogs and started catching how often I was in that 'little kid' mind instead of my 'reasonable adult' mind

same goes with other people you are interacting with, if they start saying 'always' or 'never' you aren't dealing with adults at that point and you can dismiss (or at least minimize) those comments as being divorced from reality in that moment.

it helped a lot.

I want to echo SPK's thanks, you post was great and it was thoughtful of you to take the time to write it.

:yourock:

[lost-in-nj]

55. Wow SPK

A lot of great advice in this thread.....

Do you mind if I borrow some of it???

:hi: :hug:

lost

[SPKrazy]

56. Well...

yes you can use whatever you need

I am going to

a lot of really great ideas and advice

:hi:

:hug:

[SarahB]

57. I'm still learning to forgive myself

for not being perfect. That helps although a daunting task at times.

[SPKrazy]

72. I am there as well

I've always apparently been exceptionally hard on myself... when I was 3 my mother said i would draw something, get mad because it wasn't good enough and wad it up and draw it until i liked what i drew.

:shrug:

[Phillycat]

58. I quit drinking.

'Course, I'm an alcoholic, so that really needed to be done.

[SPKrazy]

70. I did that as well

and 22 years later, I'm still wrestling with the question in the OP.

:hi:

[MissMillie]

60. Well, if you don't love you...

what is it you don't love about you?

Is that stuff you can change, or not?

If not, how long do you intend to beat yourself up over stuff you have no control over?

If so, make the changes you want to make... and love the process. And remember, you love yourself enough to make the improvements you feel you need to be a better person.

[SPKrazy]

71. Thanks Millie

I think it is things I can change about myself.

I need to learn to be okay with me...

I once thought I had it, now it seems elusive to me.

Could be the changes in life have thrown me for a loop too.

:hug:

[Writer]

61. I'm only 32, but for me it's been an uphill battle.

I'll reach a particular altitude, then a wind will blow me down. I'll get back on my feet again (after an incredible amount of pain) then climb again until I reach another altitude (hopefully higher).

I suppose that the goal you mention, to learn how to like yourself, is a life-long battle. You'll never quite find THE answer, but as you progress through life you'll be that much closer than you were before.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

69. a journey and not a destination

my words, or borrowed words...

definitely good line of thought to go on

thanks

:hug:

[kwassa]

62. Love is acceptance of all of the self, good, bad, and whatever

The 12 steps are great for helping you face your issues, but not necessarily the best for getting you into the mode of acceptance. I would work on the spiritual side of things, finding that activity that feeds you spiritually, and practicing it, because spirituality is a practice. This will feed and sustain you.

Acceptance comes from the knowledge that we can't force the change, we can only take the steps, and turn the results over to the HP, what ever that may be. Control is an illusion, but we can influence things for the better. We accept whatever HP is willing to give us in terms of help or insight.

There never is a magic point where we suddenly and rapturously love ourselves, but there is one where we are more comfortable with ourselves, and definitely don't hate ourselves. We are all flawed humans, and we all deserve love.

[SPKrazy]

73. thanks Kwassa

control is an illusion isn't it

it never ceases to amaze me how my mind doesn't get that it is an illusion.

good points

:hi:

[redqueen]

63. I listen when people tell me why I should.

Simple as that.

I used to let their comments bounce off of me. Once I stopped doing that, it got easier to stop beating myself up. I still try to do it, and still do a pretty good job now and then... but mostly I'm much happier. :)

[SPKrazy]

74. that's an interesting tactic

i'm rubber you're glue, except you let the good stuff stick

:thumbsup:

[redqueen]

85. Precisely.

:)

I wouldn't ever get anywhere with trying to think of good things about myself, so that is what I do instead.

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

86. well i bet

people say good things about you!

thanks

:hug:

[Deep13]

64. I'm not there and it is not a goal of mine.

I just am. No value judgments are necessary. Love is something that I feel for others. It seems like a contradiction to love myself.

[SPKrazy]

75. that's a thought

'cause i feel it for others

hmmm

:hi:

thanks

[La Lioness Priyanka]

65. i know a lot of people say acceptance, but i think its also important to change things about you

that you do not like.

[SPKrazy]

76. accept the things i cannot change

but courage to change the things i can

and the wisdom to know the difference

:hi:

[La Lioness Priyanka]

109. yup. and most things about yourself are in your control to change.

[applegrove]

67. Pain teaches you to love yourself. Teaches you to stand up for yourself.

[SPKrazy]

77. true

that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger

:hi:

[neweurope]

68. I tried to like others. Seeing that I liked people even

though they had and made mistakes made me more lenient towards myself. But I'm not there yet...

-------------------

Remember Fallujah

Bush to The Hague!

[SPKrazy]

78. i give others

much more leeway than i give myself

:hi:

[Cabcere]

95. I do too, my friend.

:hi: I've always been something of a perfectionist, but only when it comes to me. I forgive other people for screwing up (most of the time), but I find it very difficult to forgive myself. I was actually talking with my dad about self-acceptance/love last night, because it's something I've always had issues with. I was bullied in elementary and middle school, got involved in a bad relationship in high school (on top of being diagnosed w/clinical depression at the age of 16), and it's only recently that I've begun to realize that maybe I'm not such a terrible person after all. I think the major turning point for me was during the winter of my sophomore year in college, when I went to stay for a week with a friend in Florida (we ended up dating for a while, and although we're not "together" any more, we're still very close). It took a hell of a lot of work on his part, but over the course of that week, he helped me to open my eyes and understand that he really, truly cared about me and honestly believed I was a beautiful person, inside and out, and for that I will be forever grateful to him. :) I still have my issues, but that was a real revelation to me - that this sweet, funny, smart, talented, good-looking guy could actually see something of worth in me, and I slowly began to believe that maybe I did actually have something to offer the world. It's a long journey for sure, and two years later I still feel like I'm only just beginning (lots of pitfalls and backslides along the way, although I think I'm still making progress overall), but I've noticed that my attitude is slowly beginning to change for the better. I still wonder why a lot of people seem to enjoy my company and want to be friends w/me, and I'm still sometimes insecure about my looks, but there are some days when I can actually accept that I'm an okay person to be around, and maybe even sort of pretty in an unconventional way.

That said, I don't really have any "advice," per se, but do know that you're not alone. :hug: And for what it's worth, I think you're awesome - I may not have told you this before, but you were one of the first people who made me feel really welcome in the Lounge. (Not that anybody made me feel unwelcome here - I just remember you being one of the first to say hi and make me feel at home.) :hug: Peace.

[SPKrazy]

118. Well thanks

:hug: :hug:

that is a nice story

and you are lovable i believe!

:hug:

[Deja Q]

79. If it's taken 46 years and you haven't gotten there yet, shouldn't you see a doctor?

Sorry for the corny viagra joke; I'm 35 and haven't gotten there either.

:hug: :pals:

[SPKrazy]

83. hey

it's one day at a time man

:hug:

:hi:

we'll head that way!

[Mike03]

80. The more I was able to give something to others, and feel compassion or kindness

towards them, the more I have been able to make peace with my own flaws.

But it is something that comes and goes. It's not an exaggeration for me to say that I have dealt with self-loathing, depression, the worst feelings people can have towards themselves. I've found that isolation is really dangerous. Even though it takes courage to get out there and find something you believe is worth doing, it seems to be something worth trying to do.

I also keep a list of my heroes and use them as inspiration to aspire to get rid of my flaws once and for all.

Self-acceptance is not an event but a process--for some of us it is more grueling and difficult than for others. But as others have said, the path is the goal--that is a wonderful way of dealing with painful experience as it unfolds. Strange as it sounds, I am training myself to become grateful for difficulties, because they are so fruitful in this process.

[SPKrazy]

81. i think you have something in being grateful for difficulties

they always bring a gift with them, a gift of growth

but

:grr: i go kicking and screaming! :hi:

[Mike03]

87. I also approached difficulties with great repulsion

Until fairly recently. Quite honestly, it was Eastern Philosophy that has helped me, but it was not quick or easy--it has been a ten year journey, and there is still a ways to go. But there must be many, many different routes to inner peace.

We all accumulate habits over our lives--habits in the way we think about ourselves, think about the world, and habits in the ways we react and the things we do. Maybe part of making peace with ourselves is to adjust our lives so that we live in accord with our deepest beliefs, so that there is no contradiction or paradox that we can't live with.

Then after we heal ourselves, we can extend that good will to others.

But maybe that is putting the cart before the horse; maybe the route is to start helping others, and that feels so fulfilling that we like ourselves (and foregive ourselves) as that begins to fill the various voids left by scars from the past.

Best of luck on your journey. You have to admit, life is not dull!

[SPKrazy]

92. the alleged Chinese curse comes to mind

"may you live in interesting times"

:hi:

[Mike03]

82. This is one of those rare Lounge threads that deserves to be on the

Greatest Page.

After all, isn't this what it is all about?

[SPKrazy]

84. dunno what it's all about

once i thought doing the hokey pokey was what it was all about

maybe that was the case?

:shrug:

thanks

and thanks everyone for the wonderful comments and suggestions

i've bookmarked this page

:grouphug:

[Guava Jelly]

88. I always loved myself

Because if I don't who will?
What is more painful really is not having the love of another.
Or having the love of another and still yearning.
Now a few years back I was quite the mess..
I am sure some still remember.
You should ask your self why do you hate yourself?
Is it physical or mental or both?
Word of advice..Stop dwelling on it.
Stop listening to songs that make you sad.
Some people get used to feeling a certain way and in a sick twisted way thrive on it.
If all else fails I hear antidepressants help

just my two cents

[SPKrazy]

90. thanks for your .02

yeah

dwelling is a problem

antidepressants do help

:hi:

[Shallah Kali]

89. I started by caring for the newborn me

the brand new me who hadn't had a chance to make human mistakes that I and others judge me for. Then I worked with my child selves and forgave myself for things I used to hold against myself and found I could love myself as I was then.

I have also worked to cultivate compassion for myself where I think 'if this was my good friend who disliked or hated herself for this, that, and the other would I also dislike or hate her for those things or would I be compassionate and encourage her to be kind to herself.' Sometimes the only way I can care for myself is to ttreat myself like I am my own best friend.

[SPKrazy]

91. thanks for that

very cool philosophy

:hi:

[Shallah Kali]

96. treating myself like my own best friend also helped me kick the excessive self-criticsm habit

One day I caught myself criticizing myself over something small right after encouraging a good friend to go easy on herself when she called herself an idiot and more over something minor. :think: After that I would ask myself what would I say if a friend called herself that or was that hard on herself for normal human mistakes. It takes time but eventually I got out of the habit.

[Justpat]

93. I find that I can love myself right now.

Often when I get into self hatred it is because I have fallen back into
the pain of the past of into some future mess that hasn't happened yet
but is surely my fault.

If I can stay present to myself as much as I can for others, I am not
judging myself.

I also have spent about thirty years of my life on a spiritual quest.
It started with my getting sober and taking seriously the idea that
I could be restored to sanity. The only thing that ever healed my
heart and my mind and my addictions was the unconditional love
I found from the hp I came to believe in and the love I found when
I shared honestly with other as you are doing now.

Honesty is always a good first step in the right direction.

much love, OB

[SPKrazy]

110. Thanks OB

that is great

:hug:

[carly denise pt deux]

94. I have no idea, let me know when you find the answer, I would like to know

Carly

[SPKrazy]

111. deal!

[Mr_Jefferson_24]

97. I think one's self-esteem and a healthy love of oneself...

...are inseparable. In my opinion self esteem comes from learning to stop constantly seeking approval of others in our day-to-day lives. To always need the approval/confirmation of someone else in order to feel fulfilled/successful, is to place your self esteem in THEIR hands -- it belongs in YOURS. This doesn't mean you don't seek out the opinion(s) of others (as you're doing here), it means you don't hang your sense of self or achievement on what others think -- you learn to hang it on what YOU think.

Adaptation of this kind of thinking is a process and unfortunately runs counter to the way most of us were raised and schooled, and I'm no exception to this kind of upbringing. I'm 47 and this is, and will always be, a work in progress for me, and that's OK.

Good luck.

[SPKrazy]

112. thanks

good thoughts and suggestions

:hi:

[EFerrari]

99. Have you ever turned that high beam empathy back at you

as if you were one of your friends?

:hi:

:hug:

[SPKrazy]

113. Well...

maybe it's time to try

:hug:

[2Design]

100. kicking up n/t

[crim son]

101. Great question.

I'm the person I've been living with for 44 years, and I can't help but love myself. Like myself? That's a different question.

One thing I love about you is your honesty, and the fact that you don't just sit back and tell yourself, "This is as good as I can be. Pass the Cheetos." You strive for improvement in yourself and in the world around you, & that's lovable as hell. :loveya:

[SPKrazy]

114. thanks crimmie

:hug: :hug:

liking myself is part too

[trackfan]

102. I assume I'm the greatest human being who ever lived. I also

assume that everyone else assumes the same thing (about themselves, not about me), and therefore it's a wash.

[SPKrazy]

116. interesting...

:thumbsup:

[Der Blaue Engel]

103. I think it's partly chemical

The only time in my life where I felt that I loved myself was when I first started taking antideperessants and experienced my one intense hypomanic phase. All kinds of beauty and creativity burst out of me. It was like I contained the sun. I loved myelf and I loved the whole world.

Then a few months later it was gone. I've been grieving that brief moment in the sun for nine years. :(

[SPKrazy]

115. Sorry that you lost that

but maybe you'll find a less intense but livable stream of awareness and peace...

:hug: :hug:

[Der Blaue Engel]

120. If I could just stop calling myself really unpleasant names

it would be a step in the right direction. If I treated other people like I treat myself, I'd probably have a restraining order against me. ;)

[SPKrazy]

122. i hear ya!

i have had similar thoughts

more like

i'd kick their ass if they talked to me the way i talk to myself

:rofl:

[Indi Guy]

104. Use the mirror of others rather than the one in the bathroom...

The more generous we are with our fellow humans, the more our generosity is reflected back to us.

[SPKrazy]

117. Okay...

sometimes that mirror doesn't reflect back either well

:hi:

[Indi Guy]

106. I've always had trouble loving myself...

My childhood was mostly filled with harsh judgment & mostly absent of acceptance -- let alone affection.

By the time I was out on my own -- I didn't like myself very much, let alone love myself.

I had to experiment by giving people the kind of unconditional understanding I didn't receive. In a very short period, I had friends all around me. This was a pleasant shock! :)

[Maraya1969]

107. Here's a technique that I learned somewhere. It works great.

Think of a time when you felt real intense love. It could be a love you had for a child, a spouse, nature, a pet. Then imagine that love and bring it in to your body. You can start with your heart area and then go to your head or whatever way you like. The idea is to get that feeling of love all through you.

I think of a time when my niece was about 4 and was saying "I LIKE you Aunt Maraya. I LIKE you." And she was skipping with her little patent leather shoes and white socks. I felt this overwhelming love like I never felt before.

Anyway I use that or if I can't get in touch with it I use one of my dogs who use to crawl up on my lap.

Best wishes to you.

[SPKrazy]

119. cool!

and thanks

:hi:

[LWolf]

121. Learn that love is unconditional.

Feelings that come with strings are labeled as "love," but I don't think they really are.

Practice loving unconditionally. It's hard, if you are not used to it. Practice on others. Practice on yourself. The more unconditional love you can extend to others, the more you will be able to extend to yourself.

Let go of any need to see yourself, and judge yourself, through the eyes of others.

Accept your flaws and your errors, forgive them, and love yourself anyway. If you can do it for friends and family, you can do it for yourself.

Learn to appreciate and celebrate flaws and errors as opportunities to learn and grow.


All suggestions from the grand wisdom (or really stupid mistakes and choices, depending on how you want to look at it) gained in 47 years of living. ;)

[Danger Mouse]

123. Know thyself.

Love will follow.
If you don't love yourself, you don't know yourself. Even the biggest scumbag on the planet has something redeeming about them.