16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME NEARLY 60 YEARS TO LEARN

[Wcross]

16 THINGS THAT TOOK ME NEARLY 60 YEARS TO LEARN
by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes; and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[trof]

1. AND: Do NOT eat directly from the fondue skewers...

immediately after removing them from the boiling oil.
Unless you enjoy blistered lips.

[Wcross]

2. Always throw on a t-shirt when cooking bacon. n/t

[Ellen Forradalom]

3. Do not take a leak

Immediately after adding a pinch of red pepper to the soup.

On edit:

Do not read an entire collection of Chick tracts while high on angel dust.

Do not drop acid, become impatient waiting for it to kick in, and head back to World History class.