Match Game Story Style: "Douchebag Dakota was such a douche, he even _____ Caytlyn, his sister."

[Rabrrrrrr]

Rules are you have to make a story in the blank space, a story that begins with the opening words, and end with the final three words.

Have fun!

And remember, the more violent, bloody, gory, and downright disturbing to the sane, the better.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

1. .... insisted on wearing his Bluetooth earpiece to bed, knowing full well

that nothing says "total douche" quite as much as wandering around wearing a Bluetooth earpiece and talking loudly to someone unseen, like a crazy homeless dude ranting about fluoridated water, but of course Dakota took douchiness to the next level by having his Bluetooth earpiece actually permanently implanted in his left ear so he could constantly talk to his broker, or pretend to talk to his broker, or call the nonexistent guy who worked on his Jaguar that he didn't really have (since Dakota was not an arbitrageur as he claimed to be, but merely the assistant manager of catalog sales at a small wholesaler of colostomy equipment), including in the sack with Hortensia, his desperate, needy, not especially intelligent, but more than mammarily adequate girlfriend, who was so delighted to ride the porn-star-style moustache of a guy who had a Jaguar, even though she'd never actually seen it, that she tolerated Dakota's industrial-strength douchiness which even she recognized, albeit dimly -- but even Hortensia finally had enough the night Dakota brought home the severed head of a lower-echelon investment banker from Goldman Sachs because the guy had a cooler earpiece and wouldn't give it up, so there was Hortensia, draped seductively across the garish faux Louis Quatorze chaise longue wearing only a spangled lava-lava and her nipples pierced fetchingly with antique hatpins, waiting for Dakota to come home and make weird sticky love to her while murmuring erotically into the Bluetooth about small cap funds and derivatives, so finally in comes Dakota, carrying this dude's severed head by the tongue and yelling "I got his fucking earpiece! Woo hoo!" which pretty much pushes Hortensia right over the edge, since the head is dripping dark coagulated blood and spinal fluid all over her faux Kashan carpet and now Dakota is dancing about the room, waving the head and singing "This old head, I've got mine, I'm gonna pickle it in brine!" and Hortensia throws off her lava-lava, snatches the hatpins out of her nipples and yells, "Dakota, I've had it! You're such a douche! Only a douche would bring a guy's severed head home to his girlfriend, and what the hell do you expect me to do with that thing?" an outburst that causes Dakota to pause for a moment, but Hortensia puts on her faux Burberry trenchcoat and flounces furiously out the door, leaving Dakota, still unaware of his bone-deep douchebaggery, to release his pent-up manly urges on the person of Hortensia's hirsute 400-pound roommate, who happened to be....

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. Now that, my friend, is brilliant!

:rofl:

Best sentence ever using the words hirsute, brine, derivatives, arbitrageur, colostomy, and a character names Hortensia.

:rofl:

[RetroLounge]

4. brilliant

:applause::applause::applause::applause::applause::applause:
:applause::applause::applause::applause::applause::applause:
:applause::applause::applause::applause::applause::applause:
:applause::applause::applause::applause::applause::applause:
:applause::applause::applause::applause::applause::applause:

RL

[flying rabbit]

5. Can't...

...really top that one.

[BarenakedLady]

8. There is nowhere else to go, really.

:applause:

[DS1]

3. bookmarked this thread

as he needed more restful sleep with his bluetooth headset, unlike


;-)

[Midlodemocrat]

6. That's not how you spell Caitlin, you douchebag. Don't you know Gaelic?

:eyes:

[Rabrrrrrr]

7. I was spelling it in the way that a douchebag who would name a child with that stupid name

would spell it; and, of course, they don't pronounce it in the proper Gaelic, either: they pronounce it with a long a. Because they're poorly educated douchebags who think they're being hip and current.

[Parche]

11. Gaylick?

Thats not how you spell douchebag either, its starts with an M and ends with an M.....:rofl: :hi:

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. criticized ocelot's post as being uncreative and derivative, before laughing his ass off

as he teabagged a sleeping

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

10. Am I, in fact, insane

that I can come up with this kind of stuff? Or just a douche?

[Midlodemocrat]

12. HIlariously funny, if you ask me.

:bounce:

:thumbsup:

[Rabrrrrrr]

13. Neither insane nor a douche - you are a properly creative human being!

:thumbsup:

[DS1]

15. rather talented

I'd say.

I need to add my own, but have been busy and/or totally brainfucked from being busy

[underpants]

14. outed

[kid a]

16. crude and unoriginal, but my first thought . . .

Douchebag Dakota was such a douche, he even fucked Caytlyn, his sister.