I dropped by to say “hi” to an old friend I hadn’t seen in 35 years and something inside me exploded

[chromotone]

Let me explain. In October, I made a trip out to California to help my sister move. She was moving out of state and needed a little bit of extra help in packing some last minute items and help in driving (roughly a 24-hour trip) She also had three cats that needed tending to during this drive. Anyway, I knew of an old friend who was working in the area. I had found her on the internet a couple of years ago (at times I’ll run names from my youth through Google to see if I can find out what’s happened to my old pals). I did find her name and where she was working (not far from where my sister lived), so I thought “Why not just drop in and say ‘hi’?” I thought it would make for a nice surprise. We were pals from roughly 1969 to 1973. We went our separate ways (college), but I always thought of her. For 35 years or so, she was always in the back of my mind. We were never “boyfriend/girlfriend,” during those years (junior and senior high school) but rather I would call (frequently) and we would talk. Sometimes I stopped by her house and we would visit. Once I took her to the Hollywood Bowl (summer 1973) for the LA Philharmonic’s annual Tchaikovsky spectacular. But we were never “an item” per se. So I thought I’d just drop in unannounced and visit a while. Well, I did drop in and she was surprised to say the least and we had a nice visit that lasted about 20 minutes. I had a lot to do that day and couldn’t stay much longer, so we exchanged business cards and said “goodbye.” Well, I must say, the minute I walked into her office and saw her, something inside of me exploded and I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind since. That was five weeks ago. Five weeks and there hasn’t been 5 minutes that I haven’t thought of her! Morning, noon, and night--Damn! I don’t know what it is, but I’ve never felt the mixed-up feelings like I feel now.

I’m 54 years old and I don’t need this kind of complication!

[CaliforniaPeggy]

1. My dear chromotone...

Sounds to me as though you're ready to go to the next level...of involvement...

I'd give her a call, and see how she's doing...

Good luck!

:hi:

[chromotone]

3. Can't...She's married & I'm married...

I've got two kids (she doesn't have any)

Got to stay away from that "next level." :(


edited for clarification.

[Fire Walk With Me]

28. MegaD'oh!

[Shell Beau]

2. Well go for it! What is holding you back?

[chromotone]

4. See post no. 3

:(

[Shell Beau]

5. Well that does create a dilemma!

I guess you are going to have to push her out of your mind! :shrug:

:hug:

[bif]

6. Stay away

I know what you're going through. I had a similar experience. The thought "What if..." keeps going through your mind. Don't wreck your life, unless you're in an unhappy marriage. I won't go into exactly what happened to me, but suffice it to say, I've kept the urge down.

[chromotone]

9. Man! That "what if..." game sures wears a fellow down!

"What if" I'd asked her out more?
"What if" I'd stayed in contact after I went off to college? (just a card or letter now and then)
"What if" I stayed in California? (see first "what if")
"What if" I'd called her when I was home for vacation?
"What if"...
"What if"...
"What if"...
"What if"...
"What if"...

It's a tough game and nobody wins

[bif]

26. What if I had gone to the 10 year class reunion?

What if we're soulmates and belong to each other?
What if she's really the real love of my life?
Etc. etc. I know what you're going through.

[vi5]

7. Not to dismiss your feelings but is it possible..

That what she is stirring up in you has less to do with her and more to do with nostalgia for what was presumably a more carefree and less complicated time in your life? I often times find myself thinking of old friends or old girlfriends (even ones that ended poorly) fondly and I realize that most of the time it's just that this person represents a time in my life that I am on occassion nostalgic for. Not that such feelings aren't just as powerful as romantic inclinations, but they are most definitely 2 different animals. Perhaps looking at your feelings through that lense might help you contend/control whatever is going on in your head/heart/etc.

Just my 2 cent dimestore psychological analysis of a simple message board post.

[chromotone]

11. I see your point...

It's just that with her I didn't have a romantic relationship so there isn't the beginning, middle, and end one might have with a love interest. Just a solid friendship. Why I never pursued it as a love interest (like with just about every other woman I met) I'll never understand. But it was nice to have a friend who happened to be a girl.

But then, I am the sentimental type...

[vi5]

18. Yeah, but romantic or not...

She is representative of your past. Of your youth.

[RebelOne]

8. I can sympathize with your feelings.

An old boyfriend from 38 years ago contacted me a few months ago. He lives in South Florida and I live in North Georgia. We have been talking on the phone quite a bit. He broke up with me and married someone else and I was devastated. He said that I wouldn't marry him, so he found somebody who would. It took me many years to get over him. He is now divorced and has come back into my life. I don't need this complication either.

[pitohui]

10. never a good idea to drop in on people unannounced

i'm going to suggest that something inside you had already exploded when you made the decision to seek out friends from old times and then drop in on them unannounced

you were dissatisfied and looking and now you think you have "found"

leave the lady alone, she humored you for 20 minutes which is more than i would have done if some guy from high school days showed up without warning on my doorstep decades later -- that's perilously close to stalker territory my friend

if the thoughts are intrusive and can't be shut down, you should see a doctor and see if there is medical help, such as a prescription for you, but don't screw up your own life and another persons because of an obsession this ridiculous

you can't expect a relationship based on knowing someone 35 years ago and then talking to them an entire 20 miunutes in THIS century!

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

14. Dropping in on an old friend he hadn't seen in 35 years is "stalking"?

Please.

There was nothing even slightly wrong with the drop-in visit. I'd be delighted if any old friend from high school or college came to visit me, even if I wasn't expecting them, just because it would be fun to see them and reminisce (and also because I'm not an uptight a-hole who assumes everybody has bad motives). The OP didn't say he was expecting a relationship; he was saying he knew there couldn't be one, and feels bad about it. And he's not mentally ill just because he keeps thinking about this woman. I'm sure, as other posters have suggested, that it's more a matter of thinking about some good times in the past and what might have been. There's nothing abnormal about feeling that way.

Jeez, get a grip.

[pitohui]

16. yes dropping in unannounced on someone after decades is disturbing

if it isn't stalking, what is it? i would be freaking out if someone i hadn't seen in 35 freaking years turned up at my door with no warning -- i would have to wonder just how long they had been incubating this particular fantasy

if it was healthy and normal, what would be wrong with giving me a phone call first and i decide if i want to see you?

we're talking 35 years, a normal person wouldn't even remember the correct last name of the woman after all that time -- in fact, since the woman had married, in many cases he would have NO WAY to know the woman's current name without having done more background research, this is just plain creepy!

this was not normal behavior and something inside the guy had already snapped BEFORE he laid eyes on the woman again

he needs medical help, let's not kid ourselves here

if you haven't seen someone in a few decades, send them a letter or an email first, don't just drop by their freaking house

[crispini]

20. Um, if you read the OP more closely he says he chatted with her often.

It sounds like they were friends or at least in regular contact. So I would say that what he did is fine.

I'd agree with the others that this is more likely about the past than it is about her....

[Heidi]

23. I'm about as open as folks come, ocelot, but I would NOT be pleased to have an unannounced visit

from a friend I haven't seen/talked to in 35 years. It depends on the individual, you see, and I am not one of those individuals who enjoy unannounced visits from people I don't know (and people I haven't seen/talked to in 35 years would qualify as "people I don't know.") Anyone who _expects_ that a long-lost "friend" would automatically be thrilled by such a visit is projecting his/her expectations/wishes, plain and simple.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

25. Maybe so -- and that's fine if you feel that way --

but it doesn't mean the person who visits is a psycho stalker who needs immediate psychiatric help, which was the point I was really trying to make. A little presumptuous, perhaps; and if someone popped in on me and it wasn't convenient or for some reason I felt uncomfortable, of course I would ask them to call me and we could meet for lunch or something. But I wouldn't attribute bad or sick motives to them, or unrealistic expectations.

[xchrom]

19. i think that's just about the crudest -- and inaccurate -- piece of ''advice''

i've seen one duer give another.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

21. I'd add to that "insulting."

Guy drops in on an old friend and that makes him a psycho stalker?

[xchrom]

27. indeed -- the response was beyond awful. nt

[redqueen]

29. I don't think it's the OP who's in need of a little help.

Just sayin.

[crim son]

12. Perhaps it's not the woman so much as it is what she represents.

The past, the what-might-have-beens... you know. The feelings can be overwhelming and can also be mistaken for something that they're not. Merely a thought, because something similar has happened to me. -L

[pitohui]

17. well OBVIOUSLY it isn't the woman

he doesn't even know this woman, you don't have a realistic knowledge of someone based on 20 minutes chat after 35 years

it is completely in his head

classic midlife crisis stuff from the sound of it

[crim son]

22. Tact. It's a virtue, you know?

:eyes:

[AlCzervik]

13. it will probably be short lived imo, it's the "what if we got together" syndrome.

[raccoon]

15. I agree with #7 and #12.

Do nothing about this. You WILL get over it.

[leeroysphitz]

24. Appendix? nt