Do People Look At You Funny When You Tell Them That You're Childless?

[Yavin4]

I'm 44, and people look at me weird because I don't have any kids. I don't have kids because I've been barely able to take care of myself for most of my life, let alone have kids. It's just never been a priority for me.

Yet, when I tell people that I don't have children, they look at me as if I was from another planet. There's this look of disbelief.

[quiet.american]

1. I hear you -- it's usually a stunned look, followed by, "oh, but it's not too late!"

Then, there's the follow-up phrase, "never say never!"

They simply cannot bring themselves to believe there exists a woman in this world who actually, sincerely does not want to have children.

"We've come a long way, baby" ? -- maybe not.

[Deja Q]

8. "oh, but it's not too late!"

Are they personally offering to help?

:wow:

[quiet.american]

14. Lol! - No, I've heard that phrase from other women and gay men as well.

It's usually said in response to my saying something like "...children, no... besides, it's a little late to start thinking about that now!"

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

2. I face this ALL the time

Not to stereotype, but my husband is Pakistani, and many of our friends are Pakistani or Indian. They are very family-oriented. When I meet someone new, she invariably asks three questions: 1. Do you know how to cook Pakistani food? 2. Do you speak Urdu? and 3. How many children do you have? (not necessarily in that order). When I say we have no children, she'll ask when we were married, and I can see the wheels turning in her head ("okay, they got married in 1995 - why has this woman given her husband no children yet?") I HATE IT!

[DS1]

20. you mean your mother in law ?

or is your husband a she?

[DeposeTheBoyKing]

21. ??? I don't understand your question

No, my husband is a he - I didn't mention a mother-in-law - just friends who always ask how many kids we have. It's never "do you have kids?" It's "how many?" I guess it's just accepted that you WILL have kids, dammit!

[DS1]

26. I'm trying to figure out this part

she invariably asks three questions


It goes from your husband, to a she. I'm wondering who the she is.



---------------

nevermind. I got it. She is the new person you meet

[rug]

52. Learn Urdu to shut her up.

[Skittles]

3. people would not dare to look at me funny, Yavin

:D

[GreenPartyVoter]

4. Well, I figure it's not my business and just because I really wanted kids doesn't

mean everyone else feels that way.

[Rosemary2205]

5. "well you can adopt" -- I'm 54 - husband is over 60

I wonder how they manage to dress themselves with brains that limited.

[Crabby Appleton]

6. Yes, particularly my children.

[RoadRage]

7. I'm only 30... and I have 1 kid (with one on the way).. but i'd never ask that.

I've got over 7 friends currently TRYING to have kids, who can not due to fertility problems. I have a couple of others who are just really career oriented and just like to travel and do things that would be impossible to do with children.

So, I guess I have realized that a lot of people I know don't have kids - some because they chose not to, but even more because they are having problems. What salt in the wound to ask that question, IMO

[greenmutha]

24. You are absolutely correct, it *is* "salt in the wound" to ask.

I lost my ability to bear children at the ripe old age of 23 due to an illness. I was not married at the time, and when I finally did get married 7 years later, our financial situation prevented us from other options. Turns out that it was all for the best as the marriage did not last. I am now 51 and have no husband and no children. I get all kinds of strange looks and flippant responses and yes, it really does hurt sometimes.

[stuntcat]

9. ..

I'm 37.. yes, the very age where my "special time" is almost up. Normally I don't have to take much bullshit from anyone (except my baby-craving mother-in-law who I deal with in my own psycho way) but the dental hygienist I spent an hour with last week could NOT understand why anyone my age wouldn't be trying every minute to get pregnant. English wasn't her first or maybe even her second language so I didn't bother getting into my environmental extremism or asking her why I'D want to give the next 90 years to anyone :eyes: I can't wait for my next cleaning, I'm thinking up crazy lies to tell her when she starts asking me the same stupid questions again.
Over-population is starting to make it onto the news once in a while now and it's just gonna get more attention. Whatever your reason's been I have extra respect for you for not multiplying the one animal that's driving so many others to extinction.
(I know that's heavy for the lounge y'all & fight with me if you must but you'll only make me more sure..)

[Midlodemocrat]

10. Well, it pisses my kids off.

[Yavin4]

16. Good One.

That was funny.


:rofl:

[Ellen Forradalom]

27. Great minds think alike

High-five!

[Ellen Forradalom]

28. Great minds think alike

High-five!

[yardwork]

11. Maybe their jealous.

Snark. I'm just teasing. I love my children dearly, but I would never, ever think less of anyone for having the good sense to know that they preferred not to have children. Way too many people who never should have had children did it anyway. The courts are full of the tragic consequences.

[Lex]

32. *hug*

Some of us childless folk aren't so bad, eh? :)

[AlCzervik]

12. i have a kid but for the life of me anyone looks at a person without children

as being weird i just beyond me, i will never understand how not having children is weird to another person. I have 3 friends all around 40, none have children.

[NMDemDist2]

13. look of disbelief and often pity

I tell him "Hubby's fixed and I'm broken and we like it like that!"

they laugh then shake their heads....

:rofl:

[LibertyLover]

15. I always hated that question

I was in my mid-40s when I married my husband. For a number of reasons, we couldn't have children. We made a decision to adopt and now have a beautiful little 5 year old daughter. But in the years prior to our daughter coming home, I would get that question all the time at work (I work in Washington, DC at IFC, part of The World Bank Group, so I work with lots of nationals of other countries) and when I said that we didn't have children, there was a general disbelief, even a sort of anger that I didn't have any kids. It was freakin' weird and, to be honest, since I wanted children, hard to take. Now that we have our daughter, it's a bit better, except I now get the 'you only have one?'.

[I Have A Dream]

17. No, I've never encountered that. nt

[lizerdbits]

18. A sympathetic look at first

since I apparently can't be happy without husband and children. Until I say I don't want any then I get the funny look. At least now that I'm 33 the "you'll change your mind" bullshit isn't too common.

[AZBlue]

19. I am childless in part for the exact same reason.

And, yes, I get weird looks. I usually make a joke about "all my children being four-legged" but they still react oddly sometimes. Or I think they think I may be gay because I'm also not married. But, that's just pickiness, LOL.

[lizerdbits]

22. You're supposedly gay too?

Just like me! I only have to deal with that with extended family I don't see very often. Mostly religious conservatives (not my parents thankfully) so any woman who isn't married or on a desperate man search at 30 is crazy or gay. (A man not married by then is merely career oriented or can't find a "good woman.") If it weren't for the thousand miles or so of travel I'd pay a female friend to come to a family reunion with me just to see their faces. :rofl:

[AZBlue]

23. Yeah...and sometimes, when I'm not dating anyone, I ask a female friend

to come with me to events! OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO!

It is fun to mess with their minds, huh?!

[Lady President]

25. Happened To Me Today

This morning, I was standing in line at Starbuck's minding my own business:


Stranger's grandson (2 or 3 yrs. old): Do you have a baby?

Me: Nope

Stranger's grandson: Have baby!!!

Me: Stares at grandmother

Grandmother: He's psychic. You're probably pregnant or will be soon.

Me: I don't think so. (Cursing at myself for ordering a mocha when there was a line)

Grandmother: Do you have kids?

Me: No

Grandmother: REALLY??! You're pretty enough to have kids. (WTF)

Me: Thank you (I can't be clever without my caffeine, nor did I want to explain that I don't want children)

**Grande non-fat, no whip mocha**

Grandmother: GOOD LUCK GETTING PREGNANT!

(I walk slowly away as people gawk at me assuming I'm the one with boundary issues.)

[redwitch]

51. LOL

"He's psychic".
How very bizarre! And before you'd had your coffee too!

[badgerpup]

29. I've decided if somebody asks ME that...

I'm telling them that since I've heard so many people say they wish they'd done it,
I'm going to have the grandkids first.

:wtf:

[Zephyrbird]

30. I was told I was selfish.

I answered, "Who's contributing to the overpopulation that is ruining the planet??"

But they look at me as though I'm from outer space, and they counter with "Who's going to take care of you in your old age?!"

I counter with, "I don't know, why don't you ask the opinion of all those old folks forgotten by their kids in nursing homes?"

That shuts them the eff up.

Zephyr

[Yavin4]

36. What's More Selfish Than Having Children You Cannot Take Care Of

From the time I graduated college in 1986 to 2004, I made next to nothing. I struggled. I used credit cards to supplement my income (big mistake), and I was always poor. Heck, I still need to have roommates to make it all work.

I cannot imaging bringing a kid into my circumstance.

[Zhade]

37. Wait a second - YOU'RE the selfish one?

How does THAT make any sense?

[GoddessOfGuinness]

31. I'm almost 50, have 2 kids of my own as well as 2 stepsons, and

I would never think someone was weird because they decided not to have kids. Don't misunderstand...I wouldn't change my decisions with regard to my kids. It's just that I understand and respect peoples' decision not to have children.

I must admit, though, that if I ran across that couple that has 16 kids, I would probably stare at them in disbelief.

[Missy Vixen]

33. Yes. I'm past caring.

I'm in my latter 40's now. People still think they can ask whether or not we have kids. When I answer "no," I get the whole "there's still time!", like they think they're really telling me something.

I learned awhile back that most people just want to brag about their own kids, so I subtly shift the conversation to them. If that doesn't work, I have been known to either fix them with a cold glare and ask, "Why is it any of your business?" or do the whole chin-trembling and broken whispered, "I can't."

Anyone that goes past the above two comments, I will walk away from. Truly, it's not anyone else's business but my husband and I's.

Julie

[graywarrior]

34. No. They get it.

I'm self explanatory without saying a word.

[Zhade]

35. I'D look at you as an unselfish example to follow.

And I say that as a father. Not that having kids is selfish, but... well, at this point it kinda is.

[SPKrazy]

38. I felt that way sometimes before I had my son

now I wonder why I ever thought anybody cared at all about that, cause they sure as hell don't seem to care now.


I spent a lot of my life worrying what other people thought and instead I'm coming to find that truly so few people care a wit about what I do or who I am, that I'm giving up on worrying what others think. Fuck 'em.

People either love me or they don't, they either are interested in me or they aren't.

They either care what I am doing or they don't.

Life's too short to care what other people think and it is none of my business what other people think of me.

[Oeditpus Rex]

39. I just say, 'I've never been married'

It's amazing how many people accept that as a valid reason.



Of course, then they probably think I'm gay, but... :shrug:

[raccoon]

49. Same here. Mid-50's and it blows some people's minds that I've never married.

I HAVE lived with a guy, though. :-)

WTF--I think a lot of the times people resent that other people don't have the obligations of a spouse/kids.

[TreasonousBastard]

40. Not so much any more, but a lot think...

I'm gay. (And I don't correct the women I'm not interested in)

Sometimes I play with them, mentioning a war wound from Viet Nam, not meeting any women when I was a prisoner in Algeria or other nonsense made up on the spur of the moment.

Truth is, I never wanted kids. At all. Ever. I know why I don't want them, and it is a small, probably treatable, mental health problem on my part, but I am not unhappy about it, no one gets hurt, and I'm not changing now that I'm in my 60's.

Took me a while to understand that having kids is a normal drive for most people, and those who do have them (almost everyone else) don't understand that some of us just don't have that drive. Most are genuinely sorry for what they think is our loss.

[Phillycat]

54. Spot on...

<i>Took me a while to understand that having kids is a normal drive for most people, and those who do have them (almost everyone else) don't understand that some of us just don't have that drive. Most are genuinely sorry for what they think is our loss.</i>

That is exactly how I feel. I do enjoy other people's children (I didn't in my 20's believe me, heh), but have never felt that overwhelming urge to have a child. I don't really understand people who do, and they definitely don't understand me. My husband and I both feel the same way, thankfully...

[Withywindle]

66. I don't have that drive either, I never have.

I'm 38, so I think that if I were going to feel any desire whatsoever to have a child, it would have happened by now. Nothing. I don't even think babies are all that cute, I don't really respond to them emotionally at all. I've held friends' babies a few times. It was OK but felt pretty awkward. I know there's all this stuff I'm supposed to feel, protective and tender and awwww, etc., but the cold unnatural truth is, I just couldn't care less.

Definitely not mom material, me. The weird thing is, I'm not very interested in or good at math either, and nobody gives me funny looks or acts like I've offended their notions of proper human behavior when I say I've never really wanted to be a mathematician.

[Adams Wulff]

41. That's Jealosy.

Trust me.

[Mutley]

42. The American Dream is supposed to be

wife/husband, two point five kids, dog, good-looking but functional family car, house with cute picket fence in perfect suburban neighborhood...

Anyone who deviates from the American Dream is clearly with the terrorists.

[Ellen Forradalom]

43. I certainly wouldn't, and I'm sorry that others do.

Now, I have one, so I'd earn that funny look if I tried that.

[NewWaveChick1981]

44. Sometimes.

I'm 44 too and childless by choice. I knew in my teens that I didn't want children, and my husband was well aware of that when we got married. I like kids, but I don't want the responsibility that comes with them.

The fundies on my dad's side of the family think everyone should be married, no matter how bad the marriage, and should have at least four children. :eyes: When I visited Dad about a year ago, the fundies (aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, etc.) were astonished that I was childless. One of my aunts said, "I hear there are good fertility treatments these days. Why don't you go to a specialist?" My answer: "There's no need to go to a specialist. I choose not to have children." Well, that created a huge ruckus----"Did you know NWC doesn't WANT kids?" "How can she do that to her father? He wants grandkids so bad." :wtf: My father lives 600 miles from where I live, and I don't see him very often. My sister has two kids, so it's not like he'll never be a grandfather. I'm NOT having children just so my father can be a granddad. :eyes:

BTW, these are the same fundies that are either stuck in a terrible marriage or have been married and divorced multiple times. One of my cousins marries whatever guy she's dating and then they end up divorced. Six months later, she's married again. :eyes:

No thanks.

[Lady Freedom]

45. I'm 30-ish. (OK 29) When they ask about Children, I just

pull out picks of my four legged babies!

[Heidi]

46. When the topic of CMW and me not having any kids comes up,

I look at the person broaching the subject as though he/she were raised by wolves for even bringing up such a personal matter. In one particular instance, when a visitor to our home persisted in pushing me justify my decision to be child-free, I just said nicely, "Oh, look! Your child is lobbing stones into our koi pond. Would you mind putting a stop to that?" :)

[Inchworm]

47. Oddly, they look at me funny when I say I have a 20yr old daughter

I never understood why.

:hi:

[BuelahWitch]

48. People can look at me funny all they want

They're not living my life or paying my bills. Nor were they helping me to care for my mother between 1987 and 1999. That was difficult enough, without having a baby or a child to deal with. I know some people are "sandwiched" in between caring for parents and kids, and I salute them, but we're not all cut out of the same cloth. It was hard enough to get respite when I was dealing with a mother with dementia, and it took a toll on my health. A kid and sick mother would have killed me.

[Deep13]

50. Just tell them that you forgot about it.

:evilgrin:

[Phillycat]

55. Hee! "SHIT, I KNEW I forgot something! Let me write that down..."

[ordinaryaveragegirl]

53. Two of my sisters chose to not have children.

They are now 47 and 40, and have no regrets. Neither was ever interested in having a baby, period. Their "kids" just so happen to be of the furry, meowing/barking variety, and that's how they like it. That's a personal choice we all have in life, and I refuse to knock anyone for it.

[Brewman_Jax]

56. I can appreciate your pain

I have no kids and no desire to be a parent. I have aged parents to look after, and that's plenty. The cat helps me, too.

I get the look of shock and disbelief, also.

[xchrom]

57. yeah -- they look relieved.

and i don't blame them.

[calico1]

58. Some of the comments I have gotten:

"EVERY woman NEEDS to have at least one child" WTF? Because I have the equipment I am supposed to use it for that?

"Who's going to take care of you when you're old? Again, WTF? I didn't know that was the purpose of children. And like every elderly person has their kids around them all the time, right?

"Is there something wrong with you?" Yes, I have gotten asked that.

"There are all kinds of things that can be done now for fertility problems." Yes, that is the only reason for my not having children. I must not be "fertile" enough.

"But WHY don't you want children? Do you hate them? "

I am going to turn 50 next month so one good thing about it is that these questions are becoming less frequent. Although somebody did mention to me the other day that if Adrien Barbeau could have kids in her 50's then it still wasn't too late for me!

:wtf:

[youthere]

59. Well it doesn't apply to us now, as we have three but..

we didn't have our first until we'd been married almost eight years. Everyone hassled us "When are you going to have kids?" First off...we weren't absolutely sure we wanted any at all, and secondly it was going to be when WE decided not when everyone else thought we should. It's like you're supposed to become fertilized the moment you say "I do".
I got so sick of it, my response became "Never!" and yeah...I know the look.
There's still that deep belief hanging over the world that all women adore children and aren't complete unless they've given birth.
Good for you for sticking to your guns, and don't let it get to you.

[BuddhaGirl]

60. I've gotten that

I just tell them that I'm childfree by choice! That sometimes shuts them up! :-)

[prole_for_peace]

61. I have never wanted children

When I was younger I was always told "You'll change your mind."

I had a gyno that would ask "When are you getting pregnant?" every year when I had my checkup. I finally guit going to him (after asking him "Why do you need another boat?")

My gyno now asks "Over 40 and still on bc? When are we going to do something permanent?" I LOVE him.

At 42 I STILL get the "You have time" and "You might change your mind." UHHH NO!!!

And then some women (I always get the questions from women; men don't seem to care) assume it is my bf that doesn't want kids. It couldn't possibly be a mutual decision. It must be the man. Apparently all women want kids no matter what they say.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

62. I've always wondered is this an American thing?

I've not experienced the same attitude in Britain, but when I was with my American ex, she got those "you're being selfish" comments all the time.

[UncleSepp]

63. Sometimes. It's odd, when I could I didn't want to...

Now that I can't (realistically) have kids, I find myself thinking about them more and more. I love children, but I just never felt like I was in a solid enough position to have them financially or socially. I usually find that the people who give me funny looks are also the ones who get even more weirded out when I tell them I've had a husband for almost ten years.

[One_Life_To_Give]

64. Usually leaves a moments silence

People ask about my kids, and when informed I don't have any. They don't know what to follow on with. (Don't you know OLTG thats not how the conversation is supposed to go. We ask and you tell us about your little ones and we then all nod in agreement and share bits that our kids did too, etc etc)

[mulsh]

65. "I've been chemically circumsized...part of the plea agree,emt."

I only give that answer to the most persistent and obnoxious people who ask me why I don't have children.

I don't have any problem explaining to my old friends why my wife and I don't have children but I hate it when people I don't know, and probably don't want to know pester me about why we don't have any kids.

sometimes I tell them we did but...the accident. sometimes I tell them our kids are dead to me. but the chemically circumcised line works wonders.

[sarge43]

67. It's not the look; it's the asshole comments and questions.

1. What's wrong?

2. Don't you like children?

3. You'd feel different if you had one of your own. This after answering #2 to the effect that I like them fine -- lightly sauteed with a side of shiitake mushrooms.

[Forkboy]

68. I think knowing me they're relieved.

:)

[OnionPatch]

69. I actually had a doctor tell me I was "unusual"

This was when I was only 31! He said it was unusal for a woman my age not to have had any children yet! It almost felt like he was lecturing me. This was a long time ago (1990) when I was staying in southeast Texas for work.

I'm not childless anymore, but I was up until I was 41, (for the same reasons you are now.) I got that look a lot, too. Now I get the look for being an "old" mommy.

[NNadir]

70. I was childless until my late 30's.

My wife and I were undecided for a long time about children.

There is nothing wrong with not having children. I love my kids, but I fully value people who don't make that choice. Having a child should not be an activity that is for everyone.