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I found out today that a good friend of mine is dead. I don't know all of the details, but I can only assume she drank/starved herself to death - It could have been something more dramatic, but that doesn't really matter.
I don't need "hugs" or anyone telling me things are going to be ok. I think I just need to have an outlet of some kind to express my bewilderment, even though I was pretty sure this was coming.
Usually when friends and family die, I'm really really shattered, but I've never known someone who died this way before. I feel really sad, of course, but I also feel really angry. I'm angry at myself and all of our other friends for not being able to do anything that would make this world a place where our dear friend wanted to live, to no be able to provide something worth living for.
I also feel strangely selfish for being sad. Her husband, who was one of my best friends and a sort of mentor to me, died in 2005 (also at a relatively young age - in his 50's, from a freak heart attack, after being in better health than he had been in years), and in the last two years both of their dogs died. They didn't have any children, and the dogs really took that place in their lives. She got a new puppy, but it wasn't the same.... now noone knows where it is - it ran away. I feel like I could never understand the pain she was going through, and that being sad now that she's gone is almost pointless. I think I might also be mad at her for doing this - for trivializing the feelings of all of those who loved her, for hurting us and for not reaching out and at least giving me the chance to not be able to do anything to make her feel better.
I've felt helpless before, but never this helpless - like helplessness confirmed. I feel like a failure. I feel like there's a wound that can't ever be healed.
The last time I saw her was when I moved away from California in '06. I was staying at her house because I was dirt fucking poor. When I had nowhere to go, she took me in. I gave her a hug and we said we'd see each other some time again. I talked to her on the phone this last Christmas. I knew things were really bad for her then and that she was drinking too much and not taking care of herself, but she at least put on a brave face, and we talked and joked and laughed and said we'd see each other soon.
I just wish I had my friend back. This is such fucking total shit.
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