Hey, I think my husband is cheating on me...

[Catsbrains]

Before we got married I told him not to marry me if he did not want to have kids. He assured me he did and we got married.

I have been battling with him ever since to try for kids, he is 42 and I am 37, but he throws up a roadblock at every turn.

So, about two months ago he started acting cold and distant,he started working out hard, he bought some new clothes, put cologne and mints in his car, dyed his gray hair, and listened to his iPod constantly (even in bed).

I finally had enough and asked him what was going on. Before all of this shit, I though we had a great marriage.

He tells me "I don't want to have kids." I tell him that I love him more than a child we do not even have yet as I have been having doubts about having children as well. This should have put his mind at ease right?

He says he wasn't expecting that and now he need some time alone. WTF?

Is he cheating?

More info... I checked his computer search history and there are things like "love poems" and "how to send text to cell from computer"...weird stuff. He never writes me love poems and never texts..thinks it's stupid.

I found some of his paychecks in old suit pockets and he makes more than he has been claiming..before you say I am stupid for not knowing what he makes, understand that i believe that trust is key. He told me he make X and I believed him.

[SPKrazy]

1. I think you need more information

he obviously is having a change in his life going on but whether he is cheating? :shrug:


Ask him?

[Catsbrains]

2. I asked him and he said no..of course.

[SPKrazy]

6. Hard place to be

give him space and see... if he is it will become apparent, if he isn't then he may need to figure out his identity again. I know that people laugh about a "mid life crisis" but it is a stage of life where people re-evaluate their life and goals and relationships.

Can't tell you what the outcome will be but you can't "make" him be what you expect him to be I guess? :shrug:

[Catsbrains]

7. make him what i expect him to be? I thought I knew him...

it now feels like I don't...heartbreaking. I love him just as he he is.

[SPKrazy]

8. I felt awkward putting that in that post

I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say...

I guess I don't know is the proper answer

he sounds like he's going through some changes and I can imagine that the fears you are having are heartbreaking.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I'm separated myself now, I truly hope this is something that can be worked out.

:hug:

[Catsbrains]

9. thank-you... i didn't think you were being rude, i just thought maybe i hadn't been clear.

[SPKrazy]

13. nah, I am not thinking straight

but this too shall pass

:hi:

[Catsbrains]

16. Haha..my mom always says that.. kind of annoying..cuz she's right!

[SPKrazy]

27. I know, I hate it too...

bleh bleh bleh

this too shall pass

:grr:

okay, I'm waiting pass pass pass pass pass!!!

[elleng]

4. And if he is having a change in his life,

and you are, as you said, relax and make room for whatever.

Peace.

[UndertheOcean]

3. He probably wants out , but does not want the guilt

of being the breaker of the marriage, so he'll probably drive you crazy till you ask for divorce ... rather dishonest , but many men are just cowards in this area.


I hope thats not it though

[Catsbrains]

5. Well, we are supposed to talk this Sunday, he is at a hotel now

If he says he needs more time, I am going to tell him no and file for divorce on Monday.

[Catsbrains]

10. are you a male?

[Hawkeye-X]

11. Whoa! Divorce is very sudden.

Have you both sought marriage counseling?

I have - and it literally saved my marriage. My wife and I are still trying to have a baby, but I am paying more and more attention to her now, and she REALLY loves it, and my wife also loves our marriage counselor (grandfatherly type) because he understands where she is coming from. He is also my drug/alcohol counselor since I do have an addiction that I'm trying to get it under control. Been clean for about 6 weeks now.

Hawkeye-X

[Catsbrains]

12. I thought about counseling, but he doesn't talk to anyone, has friend but

all from college and says he tells them nothing..he likes to figure everything out on his own. He would never go for counseling, but I will suggest it. If he says no, then I have no choice. I will not live in limbo while HE decides.

[UndertheOcean]

14. Yes , although I wish I was not

I have issues, back to your problem.

[Catsbrains]

20. you seem like a nice person.

[grace0418]

15. Catsbrains, when your husband was surprised at your reaction to him saying

he didn't want kids, I had the same feeling as UndertheOcean. Almost like he was hoping you would flip out and say "Then I want a divorce!" and let him off the hook.

I hope I'm wrong though. Either way Catsbrains, I hope it works out the best for you. :hug:

[Catsbrains]

17. That is exactly what I thought. He was being calculating..and was bummed at my response.

[Lorien]

23. I hate to say it, but I had the same reaction

and I'm sad to add that the rest of it sounds pretty textbook. The only thing not mentioned is if he comes home from work freshly showered.

I really hope that you can get together and see a counselor. He may be both having a midlife crisis and having an affair as a way of coping with it. I've known such men; they were still very deeply in love with their wives, but cheated out of extreme insecurity (trying to find any way to prove to themselves that they still "have it"). If that's the case then I really think there's hope to patch things up and come away from the mess with an even stronger marriage. That's making a lot of assumptions, of course, but as you've said that you're still very much love him, then I sincerely hope that you can find a way to make it work.

:hug:

[Catsbrains]

24. Thank-you. I can deal with it if he talks straight with me. I love him and I know everyone make

mistakes..sometimes big ones.. but I am understanding and not judgemental at all..that is why I am on DU. :)

[Lorien]

26. ...

:hug: :loveya:

[Catsbrains]

32. that's helpful....he hates cat..lol

[Catsbrains]

18. Yea, but is he cheating? or thinking about it?

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

64. It ain't just men, believe me. (nt)

[Catsbrains]

19. Come on people.be brutally honest. I need some advice.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

21. I think your plan is a good one...

Meet him at the hotel...

And if he says he wants more time, tell him no...

File for divorce.

Unless he agrees to go for counseling.

You might consider hiring a Private Investigator just to see what he's up to.

I suspect that if he is cheating, such a person would find it out quickly...

My two cents...

:shrug:

[Catsbrains]

22. pi's cost $800 for 8 hours and they will only break into 4 hour increments. hardly seems worth it.

I am in graduate school and taking 5 classes while working full time. I don't have the money. :(

[Lorien]

25. Do you have a friend that could do it? Someone with a camcorder?

I really do think that it would be pretty easy for someone in an unfamiliar vehicle to follow him and find out. Any evidence could really help your case if you felt that divorce was inevitable.

[Catsbrains]

28. I have the feeling that his guilt is tremendous..though. obviously i have been wrong before. :)

[SPKrazy]

33. finding out leaves you ....

where

find out what he is asking for

you have no kids so there is no custody, is there a reason to need a PI? I mean in some states I suppose that proving infidelity is necessary to divorce and alimony settlements, but lots of states have no fault divorce or have practically adopted that and unless you just want to see what is happening, if he wants out... a PI isn't going to make him not leave.

Pics may just leave you with more to dwell on.

Just my opinion

I don't want to know myself. If we're done, we're done, and after 15 months of separation we've figured out we are done

I'm also really tired so possibly ignore my advice unless it sounds reasonable at all.

I wouldn't want to know myself

[Catsbrains]

34. Yes, I live in a no-fault state. But I could ask for an annulment based on fraud since he said he

wanted kids and he lied. That's what my mom said..but she's kind a crazy!!

[Catsbrains]

36. also..i need answers... did he ever love me? I am at an all time low as far as

self esteem goes. I am questioning everything. Am I ugly? is that why? etc... most would say "well you are just insecure", but I think this kind of thing makes one insecure. I didn't feel insecure before this crazy shit started happening.

[youthere]

59. I wasn't going to chime in, but when I saw this post I got pissed...

DO NOT do that...don't make HIS shit yours. He's obviously having issues and now you are steeping up to claim responsiblity for it..."If only I were prettier..smarter...a better cook...blah blah blah blah blah"
BULLSHIT. You are who you are...YOU are not the one being secretive and disingenuous...HE is. The problem is HIS..not yours. I absolutely HATE when women do this, and we do it because we get programmed to...but that's another rant.
Did he ever love you? Maybe he didn't ...but that doesn't mean that YOU are unlovable. Stop right now. He's obviously going through something, but it's his personal shit and it's not BECAUSE of you..he's going through it in SPITE of you, and he does not have the right to lay this in your lap.

You have to decide if you can/want to be with him while he's working through whatever he's working through...but if you have to sacrifice your self-esteem to stay and "be married"...then I would say it's not worth it.
I'm sorry that you are going through this, and hope like hell it works out for you, and whatever decision you make, please make sure it's the best one for YOU.

[BarenakedLady]

71. I'm coming from this situation

opposite your position (if that makes sense). I'm the one who wants space. Do NOT blame yourself. The stuff he is going through is not your fault.

Other than that, I can not speculate on what is going on in your husband's head.

:hug:

[Catsbrains]

31. thought about that but we all work the same shift, same days off,

and I want to keep this low key until I'm sure.

[Chan790]

67. I did this...

tailed a friend's SO to discover if she was cheating. It sucked, nothing worse than saying to your friend "Uh yeah, she's...um...yeah." That conversation kinda fills in the rest for you.

Experienced Advice:Pick a friend who will be comfortable giving you the worst news of your life and whom you can get drunk with afterwards.

[SPKrazy]

29. Okay...

I think he's either thinking of having one, or wants to have one, but I think he is going to decide first whether he wants to separate.

Thats my take on it

[Catsbrains]

30. that's reassuring..thanks. I appreciate it.

[Duer 157099]

35. OK, you asked for brutal honesty...

Yes. And if he's not, he's thinking about it/attempting it (the other party may be resisting).

Sorry, so sorry, but it's my honest assessment of the info you provided :( Wish I had any advice about what to do, though.

[Catsbrains]

38. thanks for your honesty...... it's funny because he prides himself on never having

cheated on anyone.

[Duer 157099]

40. He may not have ... yet

That's why he seems to be pushing you to be the bad guy and kick him out (for not wanting kids). He's trying to pave the way for his conscience. Likely he believes that "cheating" is only the physical act.

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, it sucks. :(

[Catsbrains]

42. Ha..I told him that emotional cheating and having someone lined up is just as bad..

and he didn't like that....he did that with his ex-wife and I pointed that out to him.

[Duer 157099]

45. Oh boy... so there's a history

Was it with you?

You know what they say about history, and tigers and stripes, and all that...

[Catsbrains]

46. wasn't with me.

[elehhhhna]

62. If you think he is,he is. You already know it, honey. Move on

as soon as you can, this is NOT about you-- it's about him, and the sooner you offload this bozo the better. You mentioned his history w/ his ex. Guess what? Men who cheat on their wives cheat on ALL of them.

You deserve better. Don't try to "fix" yourself. Get out there, find a man who wants to be a father and make yourself a wonderful life together.

[liberaltrucker]

37. LTwife has two words

Lorena Bobbitt.

Ouch!

[Catsbrains]

39. I'll need a BIG knife. Haha

[liberaltrucker]

41. She says use a chainsaw if need be

Seriously, we hope y'all work it out.

:hug:

[Catsbrains]

49. thanks...have a chainsaw i can borrow?

[liberaltrucker]

50. Nah, but I'd be happy to share that bowl

If I weren't subject to peeing in a cup!

:hippie:

[Catsbrains]

51. What if you had to pee in a bowl? then?

[Catsbrains]

43. by the way, what do you eat when you are constantly nauseated?

[Catsbrains]

44. By the way, I have one bowl left, should I smoke it now. or after Sunday?

[Taverner]

66. Smoke it now

But honestly, from a guy, I would do some searching. Sounds cliche, I know. And I'm sorry for that.

[quakerboy]

47. My other

suggests that he may be gay... and that you check the Ipod for show tunes.

She also suggests that either way you should "rip his penis off".. She has a rather direct approach to these things. Needless to say, I have no plans to cheat myself at any point, as I rather value such parts of myself.


For myself, it all sounds rather suspicious. Be fair in your assessment, though that is rather hard to do sometimes. It sounds like you know your own heart. Be strong and do what you need to do.

[Catsbrains]

48. So funny..I asked him if he was gay since our sex-life was obsolete and he

didn't get angry like I thought he would. He just said no that's rediculous, gross. Hmmmmmmmmm Don't know if I'd feel better or worse with that revelation.

[quakerboy]

52. Ya.

She was less serious about the gay and more serious about the ripping, though. But its always a posibility.

In the mean time, I know my words are relatively useless, but you are clearly intelegent. Whatever results, there is no reason to get down on yourself. Self esteem is just that, but for what its worth, you have good vibes here.

[Catsbrains]

53. Thanks. I appreciate the good vibes.

[raccoon]

63. That does it, that means he is cheating, IMO.

If you think he is AND your sex life is nonexistent.

[JVS]

54. It sound like he may be cheating. I don't understand why though.

If I were in the situation of not wanting to have kids while my wife did, I wouldn't think of cheating as a solution. Instead I'd be looking into the logistics of getting a vasectomy without the wife finding out.

[suninvited]

55. When I "saw the signs"

yet my husband adamently denied having an affair I hired a private detective. It really wasnt as expensive as you might think. Of course, I found out within two days he was seeing someone.

We tried to work it out, went to a marraige counselor and everything, but as he found himself unable to break off the other relationship totally, we went our seperate ways.

The love poem searches and how to text searches dont sound good. Unless you get a love poem texted to you real soon, you might have a really big problem.

Good luck to you, I know first hand how heartbreaking all of this can be.

[LynneSin]

56. Did I stumble into Dear Abby.com

as a faithful reader of Dear Abby I have this to say:

If you want kids, get the divorce now. If you want this husband than deal with it.

Of course I probably should toss in a smattering of Marriage Counseling too!

[gbate]

61. This is the best advice.

[Catsbrains]

65. I want my husband.....so I will suggest marriage counseling, but he will most likelly say no.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

57. red flags all over the place.

I would say YES. Even if he isn't, I would not want to stay in the situation. He has already lied to you and he is emotionally distant and he does not want kids NOW and you do.

[Sweet Freedom]

58. Can you access his cell phone or the phone records?

You can probably access them online. Or open his mail and look at his bank statement and cell phone records and see what's going on.

If you can't afford a PI, I think I'd show up sometime or somewhere that I wasn't supposed to be available and see what was going on. Tell him you're in a meeting (or whatever would make him feel comfortable enough to meet up with alleged girlfriend) and then follow him instead.

If he is having an affair, and you do file for divorce, launch discovery immediately (in discovery, you can ask if he's been dating anyone, and you can request bank statements, credit card statements, etc.)

:hug:

[4_Legs_Good]

69. Yikes! So much invasion of privacy!!!

I don't disagree totally, and I know one should take these things seriously, but I'm not cheating on my wife, though she sometimes accuses me of it - mostly in a joking way, but also in an insecure way, and if she started prying over much into my phone calls or posts to DU or whatever, I would feel really, really icky, and spied on and untrusted, and stifled and controlled.

Guys, at least I, need to be able to have room to breathe, places that are our own, where we can talk about stuff without worrying about it being held against us.

Take this post for example! If my wife were checking up on all 4_Legs_Good posts, I'd start to feel trapped.

David

[BarenakedLady]

72. Yup.

Yup, yup, yup, yup.

"I would feel really, really icky, and spied on and untrusted, and stifled and controlled."

I am not a child and hate being treated like one.

[riona]

60. I'm pretty sure he's cheating

I've observed the same things you described.

[4_Legs_Good]

68. He may not be cheating, but he may want to be...

I dunno, that distant thing is never good. I do it when I'm really upset and not very hopeful in my marriage about things I would like to have changed, that don't seem to be going anywhere. Like things that have been brought up many, many times, that she's promised to work on (and I do the same) and then they just don't get fixed or even seem to get the attention I'd like to have paid to them.

So distance is probably indicitive of something wrong that he feels is never going to be right, and possibly a sense of giving up. I often feel like "That's it, this is never going to work out. I'm not even going to try anymore," but, you know, it never lasts, and I think most relationships are like that.

But if it's at the point that he's staying in a hotel, I would certainly think it's beyond the "let's just hope things get better" stage and that you'll need to be active about saving things if you really want them saved.

I'd look into talking to a counselor, but if he is in another relationship, and he may be, you'll need him to be really honest in counseling.

Also, the working out thing is something that guys do when they start to feel less good about themselves, as it's something tangible that we actually feel we have the power to change. That's true with me at least. Feeling healthy and fit is a really, really good feeling, and although I have no interest in cheating on my wife, it sure is cool to think that maybe other women are attracted to you.

Sorry, rambling.

David

[jobycom]

70. Sounds like it, but then again, you are giving us only the supporting evidence

So it's not possible to say from this distance. It's easy to construct a false scenario from evidence when you are only looking for evidence in one direction. Without knowing more, like whether he was trying to remember a specific love poem and was searching for the title, it's hard to say. I've looked up weird stuff. I looked up prostitutes in Austin the other day just because I heard that one of Spitzer's escorts was from Austin. I was once writing a novel that included a swinger couple, so I looked up swinging. For similar reasons I've looked up obscure religious cults, demons, facts about serial killers, details of a sniper incident in a Howard Johnsons in New Orleans, and no telling what... All of which seems normal to me but which could seem damning to someone looking for evidence of something.

Having said that, you know something is wrong, the only question is what exactly is wrong. From your suspicions, and the bed conversation about children, it sounds like he's looking for a way out, whether he's cheating or not. Maybe not, of course. Maybe he's feeling older, maybe he's worried about his health (for the working out), or maybe he's even worried you only want him as a father for kids he doesn't want, maybe he's got something happening at work that is making him worry about his image. Maybe someone at work asked him to text their phone with something work related. The IPod might help him relax, and he may just not want to feel intimate right now. Maybe the pressure over the kid thing makes him turn away from you, and your announcement confused him about what you really wanted.

No telling. My gut says what yours does--he's either cheating or looking to, and wants out. But I've been cheated on by a spouse, so I'm predisposed to suspect that, so who knows. In my own little perception of the world, cheating is very common. It may not be in the real world.

Just my thoughts. You need to find out what's wrong. Push him. He'll deny, probably, so you won't know anything for sure, but you do have the right to try to figure out what's wrong with your marriage, so pushing him is fair. You can judge by his denials what you believe or don't believe. If you want to save the marriage, you should promise him you won't leave if it's an affair, but you have to be ready for the possibility that he wants to leave. If it's something else, all about him, maybe you can help him. He might be depressed.

You could try something completely different, though, if it's your personality. You can pretend nothing is wrong while assuming he's cheating and planning to leave. You can try to win him back. Don't act sad or desperate if you do this, act as though everything is the greatest it's ever been, and try to make him feel that way. I know a woman who pulled this "country music counseling" style tactic, and it worked well for her. I'm too honesty driven, but some people do it. I'd rather face things head on. Then again, my marriage is over, so I may not be a good example.

I can tell you from personal experience that once a person cheats, you'll never look at him/her or trust him/her again. Ten years later something will happen, and that will be your first thought. You may think you want to stay, but you may not like it if you do. Discovering you are being cheated on is a lot like losing a loved one--you go into shock at first, and you think you make things normal again by just bocking it all out. By the time you realize you were in shock, you've made a lot of wrong decisions you have to straighten out. Counseling might help--I didn't try that, so I can't say. Just be aware that how you see things in the near future is not how you will see them with a little more clarity in a few years

Probably way too many words there. It's just something I've been through, so I go on about it. :) Hang in there.

[Arugula Latte]

73. He sounds untrustworthy.

I think you should try to find out ASAP what is going on and then move on it. Don't waste months and months of your life dithering.

Also, don't give up easily on your dream of having children. If this relationship ends, there is still time for you to have a baby (or adopt). Having kids is an amazing, miraculous experience, and if it is one you've always wanted, I'd say, don't give it up for a husband who is probably not worthy of you.

Good luck. :hug: