Post you favorite humorous quote(s)

[bif]

I read this one recently. It was from Noel Coward commenting on Lawrence of Arabia." "If Peter O'Toole was any prettier, they'd have to call it 'Florence of Arabia'".

[unpossibles]

1. a recent one and an old favorite

recent:
“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”
–Mark Twain

old favorite:
"I may be lying in the gutter but at least I am looking at the stars"
- Oscar Wilde

(may be a paraphrase)

[Forkboy]

2. I love this one for some reason.

Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. –Edward Gibbon

[Bozita]

3. Just about anything from Mencken.

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

or...

A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.

[ghostsofgiants]

4. Quoth a friend of mine (roughly)...

You could replace 95% of the world's population with futons, and aside from the day or two where people would ask "where'd this futon come from?" the general quality of conversation would not deteriorate.

[JTG of the PRB]

5. Just a few of mine...

"There is an old Vulcan proverb: only Nixon could go to China." - Spock in Star Trek VI

"I cut my finger. That's tragedy. A man walks into an open sewer and dies. That's comedy." - Mel Brooks

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

"My folks were always on me to groom myself and wear underpants. What am I, the Pope?" - Phillip J. Fry

[Richardo]

7. "A dog will eat whatever hits the floor on the theory that if it turns out not to be food,

...you can always throw it up later. - Dave Barry

[mikeytherat]

18. And if you WERE the Pope, they'd be all like, straighten your collar,

and put on your good vestments.

mikey_the_rat

[madinmaryland]

6. This one always brings a smile to my face..

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

:evilgrin:

[nomorenomore08]

8. A classic from "The Simpsons":

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

One from "Family Guy":
Peter: Listen, I was wondering if you might have a job for my dad.
Mr. Weed: Your father? He must be a man of at least 70.
Peter: Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape. Except his prostate. At 2:00 a.m. last night, I thought a horse was using the bathroom.

[CreekDog]

9. from Dolly Parton:

"If I have one more facelift, I'll have a beard" :wow: :spray:

(in an interview with the BBC)

[begin_within]

10. Will Rogers:

"I'm not a member of any organized political party. I'm a Democrat."

[begin_within]

11. Oscar Levant:

A dollar saved is a quarter earned. - Oscar Levant

Behind the phony tinsel of Hollywood lies the real tinsel. - Oscar Levant

Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. - Oscar Levant

I am no more humble than my talents require. - Oscar Levant

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on. - Oscar Levant

I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.' - Oscar Levant

I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away. - Oscar Levant

So little time and so little to do. - Oscar Levant

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too. - Oscar Levant

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Oscar Levant

Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character. - Oscar Levant

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left. - Oscar Levant

When Harry Owens won the Oscar for Best Song for the lightweight "Sweet Leilani" instead of the Gershwins winning it for "They Can't Take That Away From Me," Oscar Levant said of Harry Owens, "His music is dead, but he lives on forever."

[Inchworm]

12. Democracy is the worst form of government

except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.

it roXXor

farkin Brit bastige!

:P

[pokerfan]

13. Calvin and Hobbes

The only skills I have patience to learn are those that have no real application in life.

If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

Why should I have to work for everything? It's like saying that I don't deserve it.

Know what I pray for? The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference.

[quip]

14. "Never say never" The perfectly profound conundrum

AND: It's such a fine line between stupid and clever. -Nigel and David

[hellbound-liberal]

15. One from H.L. Mencken, very appropriate to this time

"As democracy is perfected, the office of President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."---H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920

[BreweryYardRat]

16. To loosely paraphrase Ambrose Bierce and The Devil's Dictionary...

"Month: one-twelfth of a weariness."

[hellbound-liberal]

17. I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet..

So I asked him, "Got any shoes you're not using?" -Steven Wright

[HERVEPA]

19. self-delete

[HERVEPA]

20. self-delete

[Mad_Dem_X]

21. From Joan Rivers:

"Her knees are apart so often, they're pen pals." ;-)