How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

[KurtNYC]

Seven.




1 to change it and 6 more to stand around going:
"This guy sucks."

[unpossibles]

1. 20

1 changes it, the other 19 tell their girlfriends/boyfriends that they could have done it better.

(same joke, really)



Why did the guitar player put drumsticks on his dashboard?

So he could park in the handicap spot.



How do you know if a guitar player is on your porch?

the knocks keep getting louder and faster



How do you get him off your porch?

pay for the pizza

[johnnie]

3. .

"Why did the guitar player put drumsticks on his dashboard?

So he could park in the handicap spot."

LOL, never heard that one before and I have heard many.

[Richard Steele]

7. Since you mentioned pizza: What's the difference between a guitar player and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family.


:hide:

[CreekDog]

2. 1 Guitar Hero

to pretend he can change it. :think:

[TZ]

4. Or she....

Why do you assume a guitar hero must be a guy? Are you a sexist?! Get back to GDP where that attitude belongs you....:P ;) :rofl:
For the record, I LOVE guitar hero...

[KamaAina]

5. For some reason I find myself thinking about Pat Benatar as I read this

:shrug:

[CreekDog]

8. I'm sorry

I have no doubt that Temeah likes Guitar Hero too.

I stand corrected. :hide:

[Bake]

10. Ooooh, SNAP!

Most excellent!!

Bake

[DarkTirade]

6. How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He just holds it in place and the whole world revolves around him.

[abq e streeter]

9. what do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?

homeless...........how do you get a guitar player to turn down? put a chart in front of him.

[DarkTirade]

11. Time to go a little higher class... orchestra jokes!

Why are a violist's fingers like lightning?

They never strike the same place twice.

What's the best tool to use to get a 7 piece viola section to play in unison?
A six-shooter

What do you do if an player can't keep a tune?
Give him two sticks and make him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't even do that?
Take one stick away and make him a conductor.

[Manifestor_of_Light]

12. Ah yes....VIOLA JOKES!!

The purpose of violinists (like me, ahem) is to make jokes about viola players.

Forthwith:

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?

a) The Viola burns longer.

b) The viola holds more beer.


What's the difference between a seamstress and a violist?

The seamstress tucks up the frills.
===================================================

Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players
The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.


Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré's Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
<5 pts.>


Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4. Name the other five.
<5 pts.>


Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
<10 pts.>



Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
<1 pt.>


Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
<5 pts.>



Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi opera?
a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
<5 pts.>


Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
<5 pts.>



Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
<4 pts.>


Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
<5 pts.>



Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
<5 pts.>



Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham
<5 pts.>



Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La
<5 pts.>


Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
<5 pts.>



From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
<5 pts.>


For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?
<5 pts.>



Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
<5 pts.>



From which song do the following lines come?
"God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
<5 pts.>



Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
<5 pts.>


Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
<5 pts.>



Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
<5 pts.>

=============

[XemaSab]

13. I got a surprising number of laughs out of this post.

:D :thumbsup:

[TZ]

14. Hey now, I used to play the viola

You violinists. Sheesh. Always sufferins string envy for the richer, deeper more mellow instrument....;)

[DarkTirade]

16. No, we don't make jokes about the cello...

why do you ask? :P

[Manifestor_of_Light]

21. My brain can't handle alto clef.

Sorry, I'm a piano player too. Treble and bass clef I can deal with but not alto.

Can't think in fourths either, unlike guitarists.

[WritingIsMyReligion]

15. How many trumpets does it take to change a lightbulb?

1) Six: One to change it and five to stand around complaining about how they could've done it better.
2) Just one, but he'll do it too loudly

How do you know when a drummer's at your door?
The knock speeds up (OR slows down, OR does both in the same knock)

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, as the pianist can just use his left hand.

How do you tune two piccolos?
Shoot one.

How do you get the guitarist off your doorstep?
Pay him for the pizza.

What's the difference between a dead trombonist and a dead snake in the road?
The snake was on his way to a gig.

What d'you call someone who hangs around with a bunch of musicians?
The drummer.

Etc.

[Twillig]

17. At least four.

One to record it for YouTube,
one to claim Edison's original version was best,
one to say Stevie Ray Vaughan's version was better,
one teenager to post his own YouTube video in response.

[blindpig]

18. What's perfect pitch?

Tossing an autoharp in a dumpster and hitting a banjo.

[Jamastiene]

19. Ahem...

:P

:spray:

:rofl:

I'm a guitarist and I honestly cannot dispute this.

[guitar man]

20. hehe

O: What do you throw a bass player when he's drowning?

A: His amp

O:What's the difference between an onion and a banjo?

A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo

Q: Why were drummers created with just one more brain cell than a horse?

A: So they don't shit in the middle of the parade?

:D :hi: