I don't know how to feel about this.

[Sannum]

One of my oldest friends had a really bad substance abuse problem. Seven years ago, after having her life destroyed, she was able to pull herself together. She is now on top of her game, her career is going great and she is happily married.

I found out yesterday that she had not been sober for as long as I thought she has been. Instead of 7 years of soberiety, she only had 4. I know this is a huge achievement, but I can't help but feel hurt that she did not let me know about this. She has been my friend since we were children.

I know she has achieved so much and the last relapse was a slip, but I am just hurt that she never mentioned it to me.

:(

[Maine-ah]

1. I have been through the same situation with a friend of mine

a slip up can be rather embarassing to someone. Don't feel bad that she didn't share it with you. She may not have shared it with anyone else either. Be proud of the fact that she has 4 clean years, and continue to encourage her, and let her know that if she ever needs someone you are there. :hi:

[skygazer]

2. Honestly, I think that's completely unfair

Just because someone is your friend does not mean they are bound to divulge all the details of their life to you. And choosing not to do so at the time doesn't mean she didn't trust you or value you or anything else having to do with you - it probably means she didn't want to let you down.

I am curious as to why you would feel entitled to hurt just because a friend didn't tell you something that really has nothing to do with you.

[driver8]

4. I agree with you.

The friend has 4 years of sobriety, is doing great and is happy.

That's all that should matter.

[hippywife]

3. The dearest person

in my life has had two one night slip ups in the past 11 years. I still consider this person to be sober for 11 years. Two small mistakes don't erase all the accomplishments that have been made.

And it can be terrible embarrassing for the person who does slip up. They don't want to disappoint those that they care about.

I kind of agree with skygazer, too. As close as you can be, it's her life to divulge as she sees fit.

[avasmom]

5. just curious...

have you ever hidden a single embarrassment from her? does she know ALL of your secrets?

sounds like you've been a great, supportive friend... allow her the freedom to be seen as she wants to be.

personal anecdote from old lady: my best friend (who lives a distance away) was pregnant with her first child. we talked nearly every day. suddenly, at six months, she 'went missing.' i could not reach her by phone, email, sent letters, etc... she had grown closer & closer to her sister, i assumed she just didn't need me- i was hurt (but not so hurt that i was angry, i understood). about six months went by, i drove to her home. she told me that she had a miscarriage, and that for some reason she didn't want to talk to me about it because i have FIVE children- a bustling, busy, happy home. somehow, she resented the fact that i often take it all for granted. it was hard, but i understood her pain- and gave her the space and time she needed to heal with OTHER FRIENDS.

sometimes the best friend is willing to accept that they aren't always needed (or wanted). the hardest thing to give to someone you adore is SPACE.

-t-



When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the 'nay' in your own mind, nor do you withhold the 'ay.'

And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;

For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.

When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.

For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend.

If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.

For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?

Seek him always with hours to live.

[hippywife]

6. The beautiful words

of Kahlil Gibran are very appropriate, avasmom. Great contribution.

You have a very wise and wonderful daughter and, I'm sure, four other wonderful children wise beyond their years. No small contribution from their wise mother, no doubt.

Welcome to DU! :hi:

[avasmom]

7. thanks...

it is wonderful to be here!

i love gibran, recently pulled the dusty "prophet" off the bookshelf and rediscovered the beauty, simplicity, and wisdom that held so much meaning for me years ago!

my ava is not only a great activist but she's an outstanding daughter. its hard to believe i managed to bring her up through all the hard times and she turned out so wonderful! i am blessed.