What's your favorite hard liquor for beginning drinkers?

[jmowreader]

I erased a very large post about how bad this guy is, so here's the Utne Reader Condensed Version...

We have a production manager whose shitty attitude keeps the whole company walking on eggshells. He's gone for a week on vacation. When he gets back, we want to teach him to drink (he doesn't now) on the concept that if he gets totally fucked up on a nightly basis he might mellow out some. It's GOT to be booze. The company president's wife says we should just get him a pound of weed, but for various reasons (mainly because the colonels who are our customers probably wouldn't understand the therapeutic value of smoking a pack of joints a day, and it's not like we can just send him home with it because the fucker lives in a camper he parked on the production floor...well, that and my pot-smoking install manager would take it home for safekeeping and we'd never see it again) we have to stick with booze. We know we can have alcohol in the building--the install manager keeps a six-pack of Bud in the breakroom refrigerator. The fact that it's Bud may explain why, three weeks after he put a six-pack of beer in the fridge, five of them are still with us.

Oh. My. God. I just realized that we're being terrorized by a man who lives in a van a mile and a half from the river.

So! If you were in charge of buying a bottle of 100-proof attitude adjuster for a guy who doesn't currently drink, what would you get?

[DS1]

1. Him coming in hungover would make it better?

Well, stick to the clear stuff to try prevent that. Maybe some Absolut Pears of Kurrant. Some people like the Mandarin type.

[jmowreader]

15. It certainly couldn't make it worse

[DarkTirade]

2. I started with rum when I first started drinking, mixes well with stuff.

Although now I tend to favor whiskey.

I still drink very little, but I do like a little smooth mellow scotch now and then. :)

[zingaro]

22. This is a good idea.

Rum mixes well with nearly everything. And it's yummy. A good springboard drink.

[DarkTirade]

26. For a good intro, I recommend just your basic Captain Morgan (or a close equivalent) spiced rum.

Although if you find something interesting, like flavored (I found a rather tasty mango flavored rum a while back), that can be good for non-drinkers too. :)

[Chan790]

3. SoCo...

sweet, unobtrusive, hard, goes down like candy. Most drinkers I know, no longer drink it because it goes down too easy and they've all had that SoCo night when you wake up the next morning naked from the waist down wearing a paper party hat and holding a picture of a little person (is that the current PC term still?) in the park while hippies play ultimate frisbee around you.

Not that THAT happened to me or anything...

[zingaro]

23. Hey now. You say that like it's a bad thing.

It's not, is it?

...is it?

[nomorenomore08]

27. Really? SoCo always tasted like caramel-flavored cough syrup to me. That's why I don't drink it.

nt

[triguy46]

4. I'm curious about what kind of business this is...

not that it makes much difference. Keep in mind that alcohol rarely makes obnoxious people better, mean ones nice, dumb ones smart.

[XemaSab]

5. Bombay Sapphire

:9

[hippywife]

6. That might be a mistake!

Alcohol tends to only amplify one's personality, not change it. You think he's an asshole now, just wait until he's drunk! Look out!

[supernova]

7. Feed him PJ

Take him to a "party" and give him PJ, tell him it's a new punch recipe.

He won't remember and he won't care.

Here's one recipe:

http://www.drinkjockey.com/punches/pj

[Lil Missy]

8. I don't get, or agree, with your premise that alcohol is the only answer??

:shrug:

[laconicsax]

9. Everclear

Why stop at 100 proof?

[av8rdave]

10. Tequila...the hangover will usually discourage them from becoming advanced ones

[crimsonblue]

11. everclear...

it's what all the freshman are doing these days... also, where I do I sign up to work for your company?

[hyphenate]

12. Scotch eom

[petronius]

13. You're going about it the wrong way - the guy just needs a friend

So, what you and a couple of other people need to do is acknowledge his loneliness, talk to him a bit, take your lunch breaks with him. On the weekend, invite him out for a fishing trip. Drink a couple of beers, have some male bonding time, and then, when no one is looking, club him with an empty bottle and throw him overboard in a weighted burlap sack...

Conversely, I would buy good scotch and keep it for myself.

[Initech]

14. Gentlemen Jack

Seriously, that shit will fuck you up big time if you drink too much of it. Trust me, I know from several really bad experiences with it.

Oh and when you say van down by the river, is he at any chance at all like this guy?

[jmowreader]

16. Not quite as heavy, but yeah

Let's put it this way...

He worked at the Timken Company in their plant maintenance department back in the 1970s. During the economic malaise of the Carter years, he was laid off. To survive, he started a lawn service--purchasing a push mower, a leaf blower and a weedeater, he started cutting grass for $25 per lawn and eventually built the thing up to offering Bobcat service, snowplowing and quite a few other services.

No one lives forever, of course, so he groomed his son to take over the business. Eventually, he promoted his son to general manager of the company and told him he had "control" of the business. His son fired him that day.

When you get canned by your own kid, you know you're fucked up.

[datasuspect]

17. malort

[PeaceNikki]

18. You seriously think that if he gets fucked up drunk on a nightly basis that he'll be less of an ass?

:wtf:

Wow. You've never been around someone who "gets totally fucked up on a nightly basis", have you?

[jmowreader]

20. Nikki, I was stationed at Fort Drum for two years

"Getting totally fucked up on a nightly basis" is what passes for entertainment in that shithole.

[Arger68]

19. Tahitian tee-hee.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epa5YZIJU8I

[kwassa]

21. How is his love life?

I had a manager who was hell on Mondays if he didn't get much play from the ladies at the clubs he liked so much.

we often thought of chipping in to hire a professional for him in order to ease our own suffering.

[zingaro]

24. Yep.

(can I say this? I'm not so sure.) Getting totally fucked on a nightly basis might do more of a wonder than getting totally fucked up on a nightly basis.

[EstimatedProphet]

25. Jagermeister

It goes down far too smooth.

[nomorenomore08]

28. Vodka mixed drinks, preferably dilute, and with a lot of sugar to cover the alcohol taste.

I don't like vodka myself, but the lack of taste (other than alcohol) makes it go down easier for some.

[Eagle_Eye]

29. Hear! Here! Vodka is definitely the stuff

Mix it up about half Vodka, half orange juice in a half gallon glass orange juice bottle and leave it in the refrigerator. I used to use frozen orange juice so that I could mix the OJ at double strength to cut the taste of the Vodka.

The big bottle of screwdriver (keep it about full all the time) will encourage him to take frequent big drinks. Give him a good size plastic water glass and keep ice handy.

When he really gets into boozing on the job, get out the cameras and document the fun! Puking in the corner goes over well with the boss.

I speak from experience about this. I had to quit drinking cold turkey a few years ago because it almost killed me.

[MissMarple]

30. Bring in a quart of Long Island Iced Tea to "share" everyday.

He might think it's the best "iced tea" ever.

I know. Bad thought, bad MissMarple. Whatever was I thinking? :dilemma:

[Greyskye]

31. Vodka Collins w/ a good vodka

I personally like Absolut vodka, but most non-tap vodkas will do the trick nicely. Not sweet, not too strong tasting, easy to keep drinking into a stupor if that's what you're looking for.

Personally, I don't drink much anymore.