Mourning the loss of a loved one, my opinion...at least pretend you care

[Crazy Dave]

My neighbor's wife was very sick most of last year with heart and kidney problems and finally passed away three weeks ago. Already and straight out of this guys mouth, he bought a big gawdy 4-wheel drive pick-up truck and a new Harley because, "she wouldn't let me have one", he's getting major house and landscape work done because, "I plan on having me lots of company soon", but he was a little concerned about other people's opinions when he asked us, "if people would think badly of him if he went on a cruise next month". I told him we could care less.

:shrug:

[TZ]

1. Callous indeed

I'm thinking he probably didn't have a very good marriage before she got sick. That would explain the behavior.

[Nickster]

2. Some people deal with loss differently. Maybe he got a shock from her death and he's scrambling to

"live" it up while he still has the chance. Maybe he's afraid that if he slows down and thinks about it, it'd be to much for him to deal with. Dunno, just some thoughts off the top of my head.

[Crazy Dave]

3. Very possible

And I am trying not to be too judgmental. I have known these people for ten years and she was the one who wore the pants but nothing out of the ordinary to the best of our knowledge. Who knows, maybe they had separate beds or rooms.

[hiaasenrocks]

44. That's what I was thinking. n/t

[LibDemAlways]

4. I wouldn't judge him too harshly. If he was a good

husband to her up until the end, he went through some very rough times. Apparently he's reacting to her passing with relief that the ordeal is finally over, and he feels the need to move on.

I agree that three weeks is a bit soon for the kinds of changes he's making, but he's probably been quietly contemplating them for some time. Having watched someone close to him become sick and die, he's probably feeling his own mortality more acutely.

My mom knows an elderly woman whose husband never let her spend a dime. He was loaded but miserly. As soon as he passed away, she made extensive, long overdue improvements to the house. She explained that she felt as though she could finally live the way she wanted and wasn't going to waste a minute because life's too short.

[Chan790]

5. I'm thinking that, as awful as it sounds, he did his grieving already...

I have a friend who works with the elderly and their families as an elder-care and long-term-care activist, meaning she sees a lot of long-term degenerative illnesses in her clients/constituency.

One of the most common things she hears is:

"You're going to think I'm awful, but I feel relieved more than sad." or some variation there-upon. Actually, she doesn't think they're awful at all since nearly everybody confides that exact sentiment.

Loved ones of people with long degenerative illnesses have had a lot of time to prepare for their loved one's death and do their grieving, say their goodbyes and come to terms with it.

Personally, having moved back to CT to care live-in for my grandma when she was dying of lung cancer, I can vouch for the sentiment. Grandma spent her last month in a coma, there was no surprise what was going to happen...once an hour I had to check her pulse and make the round of phone calls to my mom and uncles. When she died, she was truly gone, but in some sense, she'd been gone for weeks.

[Crazy Dave]

6. All that is true but his tone to us sounded more like...

"I'll show her now" Their children (all grown) are not too pleased either. I said "hi" briefly last week to one of his daughters who was a landlord of mine years ago and she doesn't like the Harley or the truck and even feels like he wants to distance himself from them. Example, her and her kids used to visit them all the time and there was no urgency to do all the remodeling and landscaping then, now it's for "company".

[havocmom]

14. Anger is a stage of grief. Prehaps that is part of the reason

Or, perhaps he is just a clod and a cad.

[Elidor]

39. "I feel relieved more than sad"

That's how I felt when my father died. His incredible suffering was finally over. I was surprised that there were no tears. When something that awful happens, I have a defense mechanism that prevents me from absorbing the impact right away.

Months later, after a bad day at work, I picked up the phone to call him. That's when I did my crying.

[Midlodemocrat]

7. I think sometimes the passing of a sick loved one is a relief.

Perhaps he is in denial about his grieving.

Additionally, a lot of men I know went from divorce or widowerhood to remarriage because they couldn't bear the loneliness. Maybe that's where the cruise is coming from.

[Crazy Dave]

8. With my dad's marriage four months after his and mom's divorce

It was to have dinner on the table, the clothes washed, etc.

[Midlodemocrat]

9. Different people.

I learned a long time ago that people grieve differently. When my MIL died in 2001, my SIL lashed out at us in ways you can't even begin to reconcile. She called us every name in the book. And for what? Because we lived here and not in MA with them?

It's okay now...still rocky, but I've learned to take the high road after the initial shock.

[havocmom]

15. ::chuckle:: It has been said a man does not leave a marriage unless he has somewhere to go

That dinner and laundry thing is a big issue with a lot of men. Other aspects of marriage are big too ;)

Women tend to leave a marriage when they want to be done with MARRIAGE for awhile and tend not to rush into another relationship with the intent of it being a permanent thing.

Of course there are exceptions to the norms.

[murielm99]

34. I think he is in denial, too.

He needs to grieve in his own way. But if he is putting off grieving, he will pay for it later. His physical and mental health will suffer. He will not like himself at all.

I lost my first husband when I was 27.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

10. My dear DaveTheWave...

I agree with the other posters in your thread...

He's done his grieving and is now ready to live...

And why should people grieve in accord with our expectations, anyway?

:hi:

[Crazy Dave]

21. You are correct my dear Peggy

I've always hated judgmental people and now I'm acting like one :hi:

[ScreamingMeemie]

11. I have spent much of the (almost) 9 months running away from myself...

...and from our lives together. I keep trying to find something that I know I won't ever be able to do. I know some have questioned the trips I have taken with the kids, but it is all in an effort to forget. Forget something that cannot be fogotten. Perhaps this is his way of doing that..or not.

[Midlodemocrat]

13. No one should have ever questioned anything you did.

You are a fantastic mom. Mr.G is very proud of you. This I know, my friend.

:hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

18. My inlaws constantly do...

They wanted to know my finances-what our insurance plans, savings were, and I told them to get bent. It is one of the reasons why I need to get the heck out of Dodge. One, I am not a doddering old woman. Two, I was the primary child care giver and still am. Three, I have a background in finance. Four, I don't think they are healthy for my son. :hug: Thanks for the vote of confidence Midlo, but I mess it up quite often.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

42. I can't believe they would be so nosy. That's terrible!

That was nervy. I can't believe anyone would question they things you are doing for your kids. You are an excellent mother and anyone who doubts that can get bent themselves.
When my father died, my mother was abusive and drunk all the time. I would have killed for a loving mother like you at that point in my life. Your kids are lucky to have you.
Duckie

[havocmom]

16. It can be healthy to try new things and stake out new territory that is YOURS

as opposed to what was OURS in the past.

I often wonder how you are doin and hope you are doing as well as you can. :hug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

22. I am having a difficult time with it not being the ours anymore...

but I'm still breathing. Thanks havoc :hug:

[Crazy Dave]

19. Hey MrsG

You would think in this guy's case he'd want to spend more time with his kids and grandkids, go on vacations with them but as his daughter told me, he wants nothing to do with them anymore and won't even pretend for them that he misses their mom.

[ScreamingMeemie]

20. You know, I just can't understand that. I spend most of my time

trying to pretend for BabyG that things are going to be good again. I cannot imagine going through this without my children.

[yellowdogintexas]

30. my mom was quite literally a whirling dervish for nearly 3 years after we lost my

dad (same circumstances, I think I told you)

She had no kids in the house either..we were all grown and married. She would shuttle from my house in Nashville to my sister's house in CT to my uncle's house in OK and back home for a couple months then take off on a road trip with a couple of her buddies. She had work done to the house, she just couldn't sit still.

Then she got involved in the Literacy Council and tutored people who had gotten to adult life without learning to read. From there she got a part time job @ the newly formed County Library which became full time and then she was the Director of the Library. She started her first job at age 62, retired 10 years later.

I feel strongly that when we each take our own diverse grief patterns, we often not only expect too much of ourselves in "getting back to normal" (whatever that IS) but also expect everybody else in the same grief setting to be exactly where we are at the same time. My mom and my sisters and I all found out that we were never all 4 in exact same phase at same time; realizing that made us all the more bonded over the whole situation.

Ignore the inlaws, that is what I say

edited to add, I think the subject of the OP may well be a jerk. but I don't know him so can't really say. I DO know some of how you feel, Mrs G and if I could hold your hand I would

PS you have a trio of fantastic Kitties and a couple of great kid. I enjoy reading your daughter's posts.

[ScreamingMeemie]

31. Thank you ydit..

That means more than you will ever know... :hug: Most days I feel tied to here by a string.

[yellowdogintexas]

32. oh Mrs G, I am glad you read this; I was hoping you would.

can't tell you how much it breaks my heart when someone else has to go through this; even 27 years later. A dear friend lost her grandson recently ...

you can PM me any time, please

[Jade Fox]

12. My grandfather.......

was a bit like that after his wife's death (without the large purchases), but we all figured he'd earned it after taking care of her (whom he adored) for years as she was dying.

Although your neighbor seems a bit crass, even the death of loved ones can be a relief (and a release).

[Fire Walk With Me]

17. No one is asking what she was like?

If she was troubling the relationship, and he stuck it out through her death, he's already given her something that she perhaps may not have deserved. Depending upon her actions, that is. He may just be selfish, but there are always two sides to a two-person relationship.

[Crazy Dave]

23. For ten years they seemed happy, no better or worse than most

She definitely wore the pants but they were/are good people. We miss her a lot and still feel the loss of a nice neighbor and friend. Maybe there's a little resentment in us too.

[zanne]

26. IMO, when you marry somebody, you give your life to them...

This woman married this man and gave her life to him. The least he can do is honor her memory by faking some sorrow.

[Crazy Dave]

27. At least for their kids

Seems to be more worried about what other people think and trying to impress them rather than help his kids and grandkids deal with their grief and loss of their mother and grandmother. At least pretend instead of rushing to be a sugar daddy.

[zanne]

24. I'm not as understanding as the rest of you guys...

I think the guy sounds like an asshole.

[Chan790]

25. Well yeah, but...

if I told you the lengths I went to piss off my estranged family after Grandma died, you'd probably think I was too.

Except that they totally had it coming because of some of the crap my uncles and parents tried to pull.

I don't know this guys situation so I'm not judging. Illness brings out the worst in family.

[SPKrazy]

28. Oh give him a break

he's probably distraught and avoiding dealing with his grief, on the other hand, maybe their marriage was over long ago, or he grieved over he last year or so.

[CC]

29. People grieve in different ways

and some people work really hard at running away from their grief. Might seem cold and callous to those on the outside looking in but it is really more of an escape from the pain. Then if they are the type that likes to appear strong and ok it can be even worse. A lot of people make bad decisions with in the first year after a loved on has died. There is a reason they suggest you wait at least a year before making any big decisions. The most you can do is be there and try not to judge. He will have to find his own way. I would suggest getting him this book Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to New Life After Losing Someone You Love by Elizabeth Harper Neeld. It can be very helpful.

Part of the problem is the complete lack of control and helplessness people feel. Whether a long illness or sudden death your world have been pulled out from under you and it leaves you feeling helpless. Sometimes simple things like cleaning, fixing up or buying new things just gives you some sense of control over your life. Oh and on the kids etc. Maybe right now they are just too much of a reminder of what he thought he had and the life he and his wife planned so just to painful to deal with right now. He may not even realize why he is doing what he is doing just yet.

[Old Hickory Fan]

33. Grief is very personal and individualized

There really is no right or wrong way to grieve. I agree many want to flee from it (me included at first) but I realized the grief is so internalized it would take the trip with me. Buying things are only a way to try to cure something with instant gratification possibly. All one can do is deal with things moment by moment, hour by hour, day by day, week by week etc etc. Those who do not understand the profoundness of a wounded heart are better left away during this time. Self introspection, survival, and realization are plenty enough to have on your plate without somebody supposing how each individual should be.

I do believe that potentially quick decisions of big change while in the midst of grieving may cause one to use poor judgment - as real grief while it is not worn with a "big G" on my clothes is there everyday.

All the tears in the world or all the fun in the world cannot change the reality of the loss. Maybe children could help but that is something I have no experience in.

My loss is seven months old and is still fresh but in the depths of my soul I know I will survive and while I will never forget, I will go on and do my best to prosper in all areas of my life.

Know somebody who is grieving? Just call them and say hello, I was thinking of you. Ask them nothing let them talk about what they may want to.

I wish peace to all who do now, have in the past or will in the future travel this road.


Old Hickory Fan

[China_cat]

35. Well, it isn't as bad as my stepfather sleeping with what

became his next wife while my mother was dying and not caring who knew about it...including his 10 year old daughter.

[WinkyDink]

41. My one uncle did that. Took "her" to the funeral, too.

[khashka]

36. Men and Women deal with sort of loss differently

Men buy lots of toys for boys and get another woman. Women tend to, well, not grieve more, but more like we're told it should be.

Or maybe he is a bastard and wanted her gone (can we say divorce?)

Who knows?

Khash.

[applegrove]

37. Rather odd.

[graywarrior]

38. My dad had his "girlfriend/drinking buddy" attend my mom's funeral

and handed her the funeral reception food out the back door of the hall it was in. Three days later, she moved in with him. Fortunately, my mom put a curse on him (or so all our Polish/Italian neighbors believed) and he died a year later--he was buried on the day he and girlfriend had set for their wedding. Took me three months to get her out of my parents' house.

[Crazy Dave]

45. The first thing I thought of reading this was...

Do you think there was foul play on the girlfriend's part?

[WinkyDink]

40. My mother immediately got new windows; a widowed friend re-painted her own house.

It's like busy-ness, you know?

But that "company" crack might not be in the same vein.

[Crazy Dave]

46. Everybody, including his kids think/know it's Sugar Daddy talking

The last time I spoke with his daughter she was saying that he's blowing through about $500k in insurance and life savings that was supposed to go to their children and grandchildren after their passing. Fortunately all their kids are very well off themselves and as she told me the money is no big loss, her and her husband together make that in a year, but not only has she lost her mother, she's lost her dad at the same time too as it appears he doesn't want his kids or grandkids being around or interfering with all the gold-diggers he plans on having as "company".

[rainbow4321]

43. My sister's neighbor committed suicide

last week and WHAT does the widow say to the people stopping by her house (to offer condolences): "Only married a year and now I am stuck with this big house". :wtf:

What really made them want to slap her was that it was well known among their friends and neighbors that he never did want to get married in the first place, it was her that pushed for and got the marriage. And then to hear THAT comment come out of her mouth. :mad:

[Lady Freedom]

47. Sounds like he is lashing out.

It is all part of the grief cycle. He more than likely started it when the doctors gave her "The Long Face". You may want to watch him for deep depression and blaming himself next.