I don't love her...

[WillParkinson]

In November I lost Misty, my sweetheart dog, after 17 years. I cried. It broke my heart. Our youngest dog, Bailey, was lost. He looked in all the spots she'd be but couldn't find her. And he cried. And he moped.

We decided it would be best to get a new friend for the family right way. We found Sadie. She's a nice dog. She's friendly. A bit shy. Definitely laid back.

The problem is that I don't love her. I like her OK, but the connection just isn't there. After 6 months I'm only at the "like" stage. There's no other family friend that I've ever not "loved" almost immediately, even before they were adopted.

So I don't know what to do. Of course she's part of the family now and there's no way I'd do anything to change that. She's my responsibility and I do like her.

But I don't love her.

[zanne]

1. I think you will.

I felt that way about a stray cat I took in. I did it out of sympathy more than anything. It took almost a year before she hooked me. Now I love her like crazy.

[WillParkinson]

4. I hope so.

My main problem is (at least I think so) I'm still comparing her to Misty.

[zanne]

7. You'll always love Misty.

Could it be that you won't let yourself love the new dog because you'd feel a little guilty about it?

[WillParkinson]

10. Probably.

I feel as though I'm disrespecting what Misty meant to me by allowing someone else to have it.

I know it sounds weird. At the moment Sadie is laying next to my chair. I reach over, give her a rub, and she lifts her leg to get a belly scratch which, of course, I provide.

[MrScorpio]

2. Why do you hate America?

Start loving your pet, dammit

[WillParkinson]

5. Sigh...

Believe me, I'm trying.

[Xipe Totec]

3. Well, I don't love my wife's cat

Fact is, I'm not a person who "falls in love" with animals.

But he's nice enough, and I've become the official door opener for him.

In an imperfect world, that seems to be enough for both of us.

[WillParkinson]

6. Me?

I fall in love with nearly every animal.

Except Rex the Rat Snake that bit me in high school when I tried to keep him from slithering into the Cayman tank...that little bastage I could probably not worry about so much.

[Dangerously Amused]

8. Sometimes, love takes time.

You are probably still grieving over the loss of Misty, whether you realize it or not. It will take time. "Like" is a real good start.

:hug:

[femmocrat]

9. How does she get along with Bailey?

If they are getting along and Sadie is well-cared for, that is all that matters right now. She isn't Misty, never will be. She will love you enough for both of you.

:hug: for Sadie

[WillParkinson]

11. Here's your answer...

[femmocrat]

14. Awww.... They are so sweet!

Give it time and just enjoy them. They are lovely dogs!

:hug:

[murielm99]

12. Give it time.

I had that problem after we lost a thirteen and a half year old dog. She was wonderful. The new puppy was a pain in the ass.

New Puppy has turned into a wonderful dog. I love her.

[WillParkinson]

13. Sadie is a wonderful dog

It's me that's the problem. Or at least that's how I feel.

[murielm99]

19. I was the problem, too.

I kept comparing the new dog to the old dog. We can't do that. I am over it now, and I love the new dog wholeheartedly. It took a few months.

I will always love my old dog who died. Now I love my new dog, too.

[warrior1]

15. Happened to me too

After I lost my Sara, I got a rescue from SPCA. A black GS, Lance.

When he wasn't feeling to good lately I got scared and immediately fell in love with him. I was worried that I could lose him.

It will happen for you too.

[Inchworm]

16. Screw love

She is "just" a dog and will never be Misty for you.

What she will be is a loyal creature for you and your family. A few years down the road when you look at her you will love her because of this.

Don't sweat it.

:hug:

[undeterred]

17. I can't remember not loving my dog.

But the love you have for an old dog who has been a companion for years will not compare to what you feel for a new dog. It has to grow a while.

[khashka]

18. You wiil.

Sometimes love takes time. I hated our cat for the first few years and would have killed the little monster if I could have. Now, I love him. He got to know us, we got to know him. Sometimes love takes time.

Khash.

[Flaxbee]

20. I think you will, in time

Don't feel like you're betraying Misty, because I'm sure if she could reassure you, she would. There is no need to feel guilty - you are not replacing Misty at all. You are helping many creatures out, here - Bailey who was lost, Sadie who needed a good home, etc. Misty would no doubt approve.

I have fallen in love with a few of our cats immediately, and a few others have taken some time. Like you, I took excellent care of them all, gave them all a lot of affection, but the little surge of love feeling didn't happen right away with one, in particular. But I dearly love them all, now.

:hug: to Sadie; she's helping Bailey, and therefore helping you, too. And as another poster said, one day you'll fall in love with her for her loyalty, for helping Bailey, and for giving you unquestioning love, even though she might feel a bit of distance from you.

[Marnieworld]

21. Love takes time sometimes

First let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss of Misty. 17 years is a very long time to have a dog. I have had my Chihuahua Pinky for 7 years now and my Pug Buddha for 6. My heart breaks of the thought of losing them while they are young and I'd feel very lucky to have them for so long.

17 years is a long time for love. And such complete and total love and devotion that a dog gives is just incomparable. You, my friend, are still grieving. It was compassionate of you to think of Bailey and Sadie was meant to be yours. Yet by getting her when you did you deprived yourself of a proper grieving period devoted to just thoughts and feelings of the loss. It's hard to bond with Sadie because you are still in love with Misty and letting her go. All Sadie is is not Misty. You might as well have named her that. I can't imagine not comparing them in this state and almost resenting Sadie for her not Mistyness. It defies logic but grief isn't about logic. You miss your friend but she is gone forever. She can't ever be replaced. Even if you somehow cloned her DNA and got that brand new dog, it wouldn't be Misty because Misty became the collection of those 17 years of memories. The only thing bad about dogs, the price we pay for having them, is losing them. But we pay the price of losing them because they are that special and the experience of their friendship is priceless.

Don't worry or beat yourself up for not bonding with Sadie. It's neither of your faults that you are grieving. In time you'll be able to adjust to the loss of your friend and then new memories will build up of your new friend. You may even just be protecting yourself because you gave your heart to someone who left and now that hurts. When you are ready Sadie will be there so open and ready to love you and be your bestest buddy. She has been all along I'm sure and oblivious about your reluctance as only dogs can be. You'll notice things about her more that make her unique or like someone else mentioned you'll have a moment when you fear to lose her too and know that she had your heart all along. :hug: for all of you. Which one is Sadie in the picture and which one Bailey? And there's a furry ass on the edge of the frame too. Who's that?

on edit: visit petloss.com to read more about this type of grief. I bet you will find other people going through the same thing.

[Puzzle]

22. Maybe you just haven't found what connects you to her yet.

My dogs each have a different personality and I connect with them each differently. Maybe you are expecting her to react like Misty (RIP). Try new things with her - make up new games, create new rituals just for her. After a while I bet you will feel more connected.

[Lil Missy]

23. I can kinda understand that.

I suspect it's like not wanting to dishonor Misty after loving her for so long. I think you are still grieving,my friend.

I would be heartbroken to lose one of my pets too. And it would feel icky and like I was discounting them to try and "replace" any of them.

:hug:

[NMDemDist2]

24. we had the same experience, also named Sadie

after 5 years she's the sweetest thing I know and she's a very good girl.

We love her now, but it took time........

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. People have already said what I was going to say so I will

just give you a :hug: because I don't see you very often anymore and also another comment that I think you are still really hurting for Misty. I remember the pride and absolute adoration with which you spoke of her.

[dropkickpa]

26. Have you tried doing

Something together that is purely you and Sadie? Something that is different thn what you did with Misty? How about obedience classes, or agility, flyball, frisbee, something that isn't an echo of Misty? Right now, you are thinking of her as a replacement for Misty. Do something to help you think of her in a different light, not as your Misty replacement. If you can do something that will allow you to move past the "Misty's stand-in" idea, you may be able to move on to "my other dog" idea. But, so long as you only see her as just a replacement for Misty, you'll subconsciously resent her just for not being Misty.

[Genevieve]

27. You will --

I've been through this.

[My Good Babushka]

28. I have had my two cats

for five years. I can't stand either of them, and I picked them out!

[applegrove]

29. Give it some time. I loved all my cats as soon as I got them but your relationship

to them changes over time. For me it is more love. Deeper. Even though I have one cat who can be a challenge at times (he attacks) I love him for the good things he does. He's really very loving. And I leave it at that.

[graywarrior]

30. I had a German Shepard named Misty.

I couldn't get another dog after her. I got a red kitty, Finnegan, and totally loved him. Someone stole him from me and I hurt for a long time. Then I got Kamere. I did not love him for over two years. Now he fills my life. I adore him. I still miss Finnegan, in fact I found a photo of him the other day and mooned over it.

I thought I would never, ever care that much about Kamere but I do. It just took time. Time...that rat bastard of a thing that takes up so much time.

[rainbow4321]

31. It takes a while sometimes

I got our Jack Russell/dachshund mix when my kids were not with me a few years back to keep my other new dog company. Both kids were furious...they didn't like her, how could I do that, pick out a dog without them..oh, they resented her.
After several LONG months they suddenly started favoring her, wouldn't let her sleep with me cuz she was "their" dog. Then they started "you better be planning on getting another dog cuz when we both move out one of US is taking HER".
I sometimes remind them of their initial feeling towards her when they come home and coo "ooooh, puppy, we missed yooouuuuu". She's far from being a puppy (going by the initial vet's guessing of her age, she's 4 years now) but they still treat her like a baby.

This is "her"...Bullet

[WillParkinson]

32. She's adorable!

Thank you for sharing.

[Spacemom]

33. Love comes in all flavors

sometimes it takes a long time to catch fire. And even if it doesn't, you still care for her, and that's okay too.

Don't be so hard on yourself. :hug:

[Coyote_Bandit]

34. Maybe when you say you like Sadie

what you don't realize is that you love her differently.

I have two dogs that I love dearly - but I love them differently and have very different feelings toward each of them.

My oldest dog came to me when he was nearly a year old. He had never been inside any kind of building, had a bloody gash in his eyeball where he had been attacked by another dog and had been rescued from a puppy mill. He is eight years old now but still shows the effects of his lack of human socialization during puppyhood. He is a very independent dog. He does not seem to need or seek out much human affection. He is obedient and generally doesn't demand much. He fancies himself a 20 pound guard dog, doesn't like to play much and has some visual impairment. He routinely grooms the younger dog and looks after his health - and he would welcome the presence of more dogs.

My younger dog has had health problems since he was a young puppy. Numerous health problems. Serious health problems. He is six years old now. He was a renal failure dog at five months of age with a recommendation that he be euthanized. He also has a spinal deformity. And numerous allergies. He has always lived close to his people and received their loving attention and care. He is very sensitive to his people and wants to please. He likes to play. He demands lots of attention and is jealous of other critters. He wants to be the lap dog. He wants to cuddle in bed all night. It really is hard not to love this little guy. He is such a pleasure. And he is a brave boy that has had such a good attitude through all his pain and health problems.

Funny thing is that I have noticed that both the vet and the groomer have commented about how much they enjoy the younger dog and how he is such a pleaseure to work with. No such positive comments about the older dog even though I can tell you for a certainty that the older dog is better trained and consistently more obedient. Maybe it is easier to love the younger dog with his outgoing people pleasing tendencies.

But I find that I love the older dog just as deeply. But I love him differently. I love him for who he is rather than for the relationship we have. The older dog just doesn't have the personality of the younger dog. But I think it is fair to say that he is far more kind, gentle and loyal than the younger dog.

Hugs to you and to Sadie.

[InvisibleTouch]

35. There are personality matches and mismatches with dogs, just as with people.

With some dogs (and people), you have an instant bond. With others, not. Unlike with people, though, the not-instant-affinity can very often turn into affection if you give it some time.

Example ... my oldest sighthound is a serene and graceful being, a silent beauty, a wise and ancient soul. I was instantly bonded with her. When I added the next one, I thought, "Another one just like her - no problem." Ha! The next-oldest one is nippy, noisy, quirky, territorial - and did I mention noisy? He's lucky he's got that sweet innocent face (ha!), and can be a real cuddler when he finally winds down for the evening. It took me much longer to feel close to him; his nature just doesn't mesh as well with mine as does the older dog's. But once when he got loose, I totally panicked. That was my baby boy, after all! He was fine, but it certainly showed me that I love him in my own way as much as the other pets.

Don't force it. Just let it happen in its own time.

[madeline_con]

36. That's really hard.

Our shadow was only 12 when he left us.

We've had a new friend for about a year, and in some ways she's still a stranger.

But, she's sweet and fits into our life well. We'll be o.k. with time.

I think you will, too.