I promise this is the last one

[LeftyFingerPop]

This will be my last OP.

Listen, I grew up in an Italian family where you would get your fucking hand stabbed with a fork if you reached for the salad to greedily.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone who really does not care about about you? Words aside...someone who does not give two fucking shits about you unless things are going absolutely perfect?

Ya know...life is not easy. Ya have to take your love where you find it.

We are not perfect...and to think otherwise is foolish.

Don't you have to look at EVERYTHING....the person....how the person is GENERALLY...how they treat you.

What they do for you and how they make you feel in general?

Ah....who knows. Sometimes life is just survival.

[greenbriar]

1. exactly

life is just survival



and most days I feel I am just existing


hang in there

[LeftyFingerPop]

3. I do not want to hang in there....I want to live!! And love!!!

That's all I want. And you?

[greenbriar]

5. I want that too...Live and LOVE

but it is hard ...so hard...

but we keep trying

and waking up each day and begin again

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. Unrequited love? Oh yes, that's familiar, in all areas of my life.

Hang in there bro. PM if you need to vent. Nothing wrong with venting!

[LeftyFingerPop]

4. I'm a piece of shit....

and I am not a good person peake.

[greenbriar]

6. NOT TRUE

you are awesome

[LeftyFingerPop]

7. No...those who know me....

depend on me....but they do not like me. That is just the way it is.

[amitten]

8. So, what did you do? n/t

[LeftyFingerPop]

9. I jumped to conclusions.

Like I always do.

[The Straight Story]

10. My dear friend

I have been there, and it sucks beyond words.

I have let down kids, and saw them suffer over my decisions. I have found love and lost it, then found it again.

I have watched many die, and this weekend the first woman I ever had sex with was laid to rest at the age of 45 - after being crippled for years and having her husband leave her for a younger and healthier woman.

You are a good guy, one which many women would enjoy to be with, maybe you just do not see that about yourself and I can grasp that myself.

Look at me, a goofy computer geek and then BAM one day some beautiful woman started asking me out.

She had had plenty of wealthy and beautiful men on her doorstep each day. And they were all the same and wanted the same thing.

And then here I am - an overweight not real good looking guy with a smart and beautiful woman telling me I was the man of her dreams.

Me??? Hello? I learned that true love is a lot more than what I had thought. It was not based on what I could do, provide, or look like - it was based on character.

YOU have a really good and loving character, I can see that from my time here.

You don't need someone to validate that, it is self evident. That some don't see that it is their loss, not yours.

If you don't believe in yourself no one else will. You don't have to have a mansion, be a superstar, etc. You just have to be that funny and cool guy you are - for YOU first and foremost.

Be yourself, and the rest will follow.

There is a special someone out there for you in that 6 billion people in this world. And they will be lucky to have you when they find you.

Being hard on yourself won't solve anything. being yourself will - because most people want to be with someone who is real and genuine.

My wife thinks you are an awesome guy based just on your posts, as do I. Some people out there like you for the real you.

Maybe someday you should as well.

[LeftyFingerPop]

11. You have taken the time....

to write a good and thoughtful post.

Let me tell you my friend, I sure do appreciate it.

It is like this....I have some baggage. So does my lover.

I spend my life...trying to be good.,,,trying to do the right thing.

But it does not work. It never does, and it never will.

I appreciate your kind words, and the kind words of your wife.

But, I set unusually high standards for myself.

I get a phone call every day before she goes to work...and I will not get one tomorrow.

And I am trying to cope with that.

She does not know what I did today...I am trying to cope with that.

I am so depressed I don't know what to do.

I have to stay functional for my mom...so I am using the only coping mechanism that I know.

I am so distraught, I can't explain it.

And the one person I need to care does not care. At all.

So, I will have to adjust to be there for my mom.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

[The Straight Story]

18. Baggage - here is some of mine

You can either check it at the counter or carry it on.

I have had so much baggage I cannot even explain it all.

Leaving an X with 3 little boys who probably cried for years because daddy left.

Leaving a GF you wanted to marry, only to find out as you left her she was pregnant and finally wanted to marry you - and yet you left anyway with someone else and I now have a daughter who is almost 10 and does not know me as 'daddy'.

My X wife is dead, and my kids I left behind hate me (well, 2 out of the 3 do) - all because of lies she told them, but then I was not there to defend myself because I was not willing to fight her in court (because I feared how it might harm my boys).

while my mom was dying I went to the hospital and the last night I saw her I could not even stay with her because I was so freaked out and she told my dad to tell me to leave (and she asked me to come get here and I said I would) - and that was the last time I saw her alive.

I have guilt so deep I cannot even begin to explain it over things.

But I cannot go back and fix it all. I sat at home drinking and praying the night my own mom died, and I got to the hospital 2 minutes too late to say goodbye. I missed Christmases with my little boys and screwed up Christmases with my wife and daughter because I was so upset about all that I could not function - Everywhere I have turned I have let others down over my issues.

And all I wanted to be was a good man. I kept trying to do the right thing for my kids and others, but no matter what I did it ended up being screwed up for others.

i got guilt so deep I cannot even begin to go into it - and yet I must drop it for the betterment of what I have now (my wife and daughter). The baggage I carry is heavy, and it sucks. But I must carry it alone now.

My wife is sick, my daughter needs me, and holding on to it all will solve nothing.

True love means that we help carry the baggage of each other as we progress in this life. I carry my wifes and she carries mine. We do that together as we board the plane that we hope will carry us both to a better place.

[khashka]

12. You have to realize nothing is perfect

I've been with my lover 18 years. About half the time we either argue or aren't on speaking terms. Doesn't change the love we have for each other. Anthony, in spite of what you feel for this woman, she was not the right woman for you and she fucked you over. But there are lots of other wonderful women who will appreciate you. Go meet them.

Khash.

[LeftyFingerPop]

13. Khash....

I fucked up, and I hit a hot button. It cannot be repaired.

[khashka]

15. Well what happened?

You've been very vague about the details. I'd been starting to think you might have done or said something to drive her away. But usually stuff like that can be fixed- most of us have been there,done that. But if you won't tell us, it makes it hard for us to help.

Khash.

[LeftyFingerPop]

16. Yes....I jumped to an irrational conclusion because....

of my own insecurities. It is a hot button for her....I tried all day to fix it....but it ain't working.

[khashka]

19. Still too vague

Did you accuse her of cheating? Or not really loving you? That's what it sounds like, but that can be repaired. If you did I can see her POV, and you need to give her time to get over it before she can accept your apology. And maybe you can start again.

Khash.

[LeftyFingerPop]

14. When I awake sober is when it starts.....

The head movies.

The pain.

God love you all.

Enjoy this song....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEkyaoPdar8

[grasswire]

17. I care.

That's all I can say. You couldn't have done anything worse than any other of us has done at some point in our lives.

People do survive and mend and the pain and the guilt eventually fade.

Your mom apparently needs you, friend. Hopefully tomorrow will bring some clarity and understanding.

[texanwitch]

20. I have been reading your posts all evening, and have been thinking of what to say.

First I hope your Mom will be OK, I had both parents become ill last year they are OK now.

Sometimes life just sucks, all of us have been there.

I had a really bad 3 years but everytning is OK now, life couldn't be better.

Try to get some sleep, things tend to look worse at night.

You have your Mom to take care of.

Just know that there are a lot of us here who care about you, you are not alone.