Anonymous letter to jerk wad neighbor...

[ScreamingMeemie]

Dear Neighbor,

Congratulations on your purchase of a Harley Davidson. Has it been 4 years already since you moved in and someone smashed up your 76 camaro that you used to sit and rev for hours? Especially the hours between 10PM and 8AM?

I am a reasonable person and often overlook things, like how you let your dog run across the street to ours to poop, how you sit in your wife beater shirt and scream obscenities at your children, how you left that couch on the lawn in front of your house for two weeks, how you generally, and singled handedly, have dropped the already dropping values in our neighborhood by at least 10 grand. Have I mentioned that, although we don't know your name, you look so much like Freddy Mercury that that is how we refer to you? Have I mentioned that, the day your son went to middle school and left the elementary school bus stop we had a party at the bus stop?

Anyway, getting back to your new bike. It is a nice bike. It is a loud bike. I enjoy listening to Harley Davidson racing down the street on a Saturday afternoon. I think they are nice bikes. I, and several of your neighbors, don't like listening to a small penised, trashy neighbor continuously gunning it in his driveway without going anywhere. I recently read in the New England Journal of Medicine that there is absolutely no correlation between penis growth and motor cycle gunning. I am truly sorry. Last night quite a few of your neighbors were kept up by your penis treatments. Suffice to say, several children could not fall asleep which makes for several angry parents. You see, I am not the only one. I am just the one who was chosen to contact you in a purely non threatening, neighborly way. In fact, one of your neighbors wanted to cut the crap and go straight to the city, there being an ordinance and all. We talked that person down from it.

Hopefully, we can manage this without needing to bring in an outsider who, I fear, would go one step beyond and cite you for your muddy backyard and broken fence, you leash-less animals, the fact you have two more dogs than allowed by zoning, the Lazy Boy currently on the side of your house, the broken window in your boy's bedroom etc... I am hoping we can come to the meeting of the minds.

Oh, and, as I was reading through the New England Journal, it did mention something about a correlation between penis size and the ability to realize one is a grown up and actually spend quality time with one's own family instead of one's teen-aged fantasies.

With respect,

Your Neighbor

[1awake]

1. MrsGrumpy...

Something tells me the person in question won't be able to get past the second paragraph. Though.. I do like the last sentence very much ma'am. :)

[ScreamingMeemie]

34. Probably not...

:rofl: But I feel better. :hi:

[LanternWaste]

2. Remind me NEVER to get on your bad side!

Remind me NEVER to get on your bad side! :rofl:

Perfect letter-- succinct, to the point, and with just a dash of a subtle F-U sprinkled in for seasoning.

(Freddy Mercury in a wife-beating shirt-- the image will never leave my mind)

[ScreamingMeemie]

35. Seriously, I am a nice person. Asking PassingFair. I told her that once.

:)

[montanto]

3. I love how the loud Harley argument

always devolves into a consideration of penis size. I don't have kids and never will. Can't scream obscenities at them. Don't have a dog. Don't poop in anyone's yard. Don't leave trash in my yard. Don't look like Freddy Mercury. Don't mistreat my spouse. Don't wear a wife beater. But I do have a Harley. And a big dick.

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. Sigh...It is not all Harley riders. And it isn't all the time that they devolve.

They devolve this time because this man is an ass. :hi:
My brother and one of my cousins drove Harleys. They were also responsible citizens and neighbors and very good parents. I am sure you are as well, unless, of course you live across the street from me.

[montanto]

7. I see that, and agree

but I have never seen a conversation here about Harleys that didn't involve a consideration of the rider's penis size.

BTW my mother rode a Harley until the day she died.

She didn't have a penis.

[ScreamingMeemie]

9. If you read my post it has more to do with his revving and his behavior

less to do with the bike itself. This was not a rant against HD riders (for God's sake my grandparents lived, for 30 years, next to the factory in West Allis) it is a rant against selfish behavior to a man who thinks he is "macho" and not just because of the Harley. He's just a dick, period. And this is an actual letter that was actually sent.

[AlCzervik]

14. he sounds like an inconsiderate asshole.

one of my neighbors "Bad ass Harley dude" has Harley, a really loud Harley but it's a little too small for him, every time he gets on the thing it's like watching a metal fatigue test. I feel bad for his bike.

[montanto]

17. I understand your point.

I, too, have a neighbor who starts his loud Harley at 5:00 am and lets it idle in the street. It is annoying as hell and I even ride one myself!

I just don't understand why penis size has to come into a story about an inconsiderate ass. I get tired of it.

Peace.

[ScreamingMeemie]

22. Why? Because I see no other reason for sitting in one's driveway

continuously revving the engine on a motorcycle that appears to be running fine. That's how penis size came into it.

Look, I drive an SUV and I have no penis either. I am tired of it. Some of us are not purists.

Thank you.

[KamaAina]

47. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Look, I drive an SUV

:scared: :scared: :scared:

Okay, two kids, some animals and whatnot, but still, Et tu, MrsG?

[ScreamingMeemie]

49. There is a good reason behind it KA...

When my parents got divorced a couple of years ago, my mother said she didn't want the Yukon (she had begged for one and then chose the most expensive one she could find with all the bells and whistles) and saddled my dad with it. It was a $770/month payment that he could not afford, along with an apartment rental. So, MrG and I bought it off of him because the lease on our car was up and we didn't want to go into another lease at the time. I would do anything to help my dad out and, to be honest, we fell a little bit in love with the heated seats.

Fear not, dear one, I am buying a new car this summer. :hug:

[huskerlaw]

18. That's not what she said.

Are you incapable of reading?

You know the part about sitting in the driveway and revving the fucking thing for hours on end? She referred to THAT as a "penis-enlarging treatment"...not the mere fact of owning a Harley.

Why would she say something like that? Well, possibly because there is NO other point to sitting there revving an engine like a fucking idiot than to attempt to prove one's manhood. "Look at me, I have a motorcycle and it is big and loud and therefore I am a STUD!"

In summary, it's the bullshit macho use of the Harley, not the existence of the Harley, which makes her neighbor a candidate for penile enlargement surgery.

But way to fly off the handle there.

[driver8]

29. Holy Cow!! huskerlaw dropped an "f-bomb"!

Great post, by the way! :toast:

[huskerlaw]

36. Hahaha, as if that's news!!

I drop the f-bomb a LOT. I kinda curse like a sailor, actually. ;)

:toast:

[Raven]

5. You earned your name with this post! :')

[ScreamingMeemie]

6. This guy is just so over the top with his behavior.

Someone actually did smash his camaro beyond recognition because they had listened to this for 12 months. He is, literally, a caricature of trash.

[DS1]

8. without much sausage, apparently

:hi:

[ScreamingMeemie]

12. Apparently not.

Which I would think whether he rode a bike or not. :hi:

[Raven]

10. Can you have him cited for having a junk yard? Or advertise a

Yard Sale and sell his stuff.? We have a guy in the town I work in who is feuding with his across the street neighbor. He puts junk in his front yard and garbage that has been poisoned for the other guy's dogs.

[ScreamingMeemie]

13. We could, but I really don't like getting people into trouble.

This man used to drive MrG insane with his "Hey Bud..." and then launching into some or another type of BS. :hi:

[harmonicon]

11. a classic line to be:

"I recently read in the New England Journal of Medicine that there is absolutely no correlation between penis growth and motor cycle gunning." HAHAHAHA

You should have written that and only that. Too good.

[Mad_Dem_X]

15. Please don't bring Freddie into this!

Your neighbor sounds like a real piece of work. Him looking like Freddie Mercury is an insult to Freddie!

[ScreamingMeemie]

23. I know... I just can't help myself.

:(

[BuelahWitch]

16. Merlin and Kittimus P need to make a new friend

But seriously, are there noise ordinances in your city? Because this guy is surely breaking them if he's doing that after a certain hour at night. Has anyone called the cops and complained about the noise? :shrug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

24. That's why I told him we would rather not get the police involved.

I was trying to be nice, albeit in a not so nice way. We were trying to "send a shot across the bow" basically. Next step, if he continues will be to do just that. :hi:

[huskerlaw]

19. I think he's related to my neighbor!

Except mine doesn't look like Freddy Mercury. He's a large (muscled, not fat), bald guy that's covered in CREEPY tattoos. I'm talking, swastikas and Nazi lightning bolts, not skulls and hearts.

He has a tricked out motorcycle that appears to be quite expensive. It has a far larger muffler than my sports car. He pulls that thing into the ALLEY, so that he can get the full echo effect off the surrounding houses, and revs that bastard all hours of the day. And nobody will say anything to him because he is one scary looking mofo.

Though he hasn't really done it much recently. Could be because I taped the LA City noise ordinance to his garage door... ;)

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. It's crazy, isn't it?

I've got no problem with loud vehicles, it's the hour and the length of time that he does this. :)

[huskerlaw]

37. Yes, exactly

Rev it up and drive off...great. But WHY with the sitting there revving for HOURS? I can't stand that any time of day, but doing it at 6:30 on a Saturday morning is grounds for homicide, in my opinion.

[khashka]

20. Conversation with my ex

He really likes cars. But we were driving and he said he never had the urge to own one of those big, fast cars. I said that's because you have a large cock. He pulled over to the side of the road and said "What in the hell did you just say?"

Khash.

[ScreamingMeemie]

26. I bet, if he had one...he wouldn't rev the sucker incessantly either...

Sigh...

[SOteric]

21. Most excellent!

Now if only he could read...

[ScreamingMeemie]

28. I hadn't thought about that...

That's a valid concern... :rofl:

[LibraLiz1973]

30. BEST. REPLY. EVER

How do we nom for DUzys???

[Richardo]

27. " Last night quite a few of your neighbors were kept up by your penis treatments. "

:rofl:

Exquisite! :applause:

[ScreamingMeemie]

32. I wonder just what on earth made this man pick this neighborhood.

:hi: Richardo!

[LibraLiz1973]

31. Excellent letter.

This guy sounds like A TOTAL DICK!!!

[Brigid]

33. Send this as a LTTE to your local paper.

And I say that the neighbor who wants to get the city involved is right. I think this situation has gotten to the point of enough is enough.

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. From a visceral standpoint, I love it. From a conflict negotiation standpoint, it's too much.

Classic, wonderful lines, indeed - "penis treatments" especially.

However, the use of the pejorative stuff is not going to lead to any dialog whatsoever. More than likely, NOTHING is going to lead to dialog, but you're better off taking out the insults and simply lining out the complaints, but also keeping in the brilliant strategem of "we'd rather not go to the city who will surely also find all those other things wrong and fine you for them" part.

I also think that anonymous complaints aren't worth crap - instead of your neighbors electing you to write an anonymous letter, you all should write it and sign it together. Especially since you say "we" and "some of us" and stuff. Let the neighbor know that these are REAL people, that there really IS a "we" and a number of people who are bothered.

If I got one insulting anonymous letter, I'd shrug it off. If I got one fact-filled letter signed by a bunch of people by name - that, I'd take seriously.

Dickboy won't, but when you then go to the city and/or police, you will have that lovely letter as evidence that you did try to initiate dialog on this, and that will make dickboy look even worse.

[UTUSN]

39. That letter will take SMALL modification for it to fit MY jerk wad who lets the car alarm

run on.

A week ago I put the car alarm situation before the Lounge and was advised to call the police, that calling was not that big a deal. I did, and for a couple of days there was blessed silence.


Now it varies, sometimes a day or two of silence, then an occasional (much less than before) blaring --just enough not to make a police deal over.


The letter is GREAT. You might consider filing nusiance complaints with the police. And the time of the noise does NOT have to be 10 P.M. or later. It can be ANYTIME during the day, since some people work nights/sleep days, some people are ill and need peace, and some people JUST DON'T NEED THE CRAP!1

[bigwillq]

40. HA! Love the penis line.

Did he respond? :shrug:

[ScreamingMeemie]

41. I just sent it so we'll see. There was no motorcycle tonight so

I am grateful.

[bigwillq]

42. Is he an approachable guy?

:shrug: I mean if he doesn't stop do you think you'll be able to say something to him in person?

[ScreamingMeemie]

43. I've tried to talk to him before, about the dog not being on a leash

and using my flowers as a rest stop. He is pretty much a jerk. Of course, he thinks he is God's gift to women. I don't know how his wife puts up with him because she looks like a pretty normal business woman.

[bigwillq]

44. Then maybe the letter is the best bet then.

next time call the police.

[ScreamingMeemie]

45. I am not usually confrontational but this guy's been doing this

for years, in spite of people asking him nicely. We figured we'd give him one chance and then complain to the city.

[bigwillq]

46. Keep complaining.

Shit, it's your neighborhood too. No one deserves to have to put up with his bullshit.

[kentauros]

48. You should throw a block party and invite

Survival Research Labs

Tell 'em to bring the buzz bomb engine. Tell everyone but your neighbor that they're coming by

(New Valve Bank for the V1)