I really don't know how much more I can take.....

[Bennyboy]

God my parents are fucking crazy as fuck. they say one thing do another, then I do something and they never said to do it. My dad talks shit about me and my family constantly to everyone I know, in cluding my landlord and friends,and then expects everyone to love him. I have let my temper overcome me and said things I regret but think he needs to hear about how abusive he has been to me my y Mother and my children.

The last two weeks have been extremely hard to deal with. He is at war with everyone he has ever ben involved with and they are all suing each other. This is something I know I will be stuck dealing with. A huge bunch of shit that is not any of my doing.

Seriously, I really am at the end here. I can't sleep, I am having nightmares of my father pulling a gun on me. I have no money to move or go anywhere, my disability has been turned down again, so that is not happening. I am sick all the time, my headaches never go away and I have no health care so that is out.

I am at the very end. I just don't know if I can deal with it anymore.

[Darth_Kitten]

1. I don't know what to say.

:(

[Bennyboy]

2. Me neither......

I am looking forward to High Sierra Music Festival and after that I will have no thing to look forward to....and that ain't gonna be good.

[graywarrior]

3. You need a support group.

Seriously....you can't handle this alone.

[Bennyboy]

4. You are right....

I should start looking into that.

[The Straight Story]

5. All I can say my friend is

I am sorry. Going through some rough shit myself (and while I post about some of it, some I won't).

Folks like us need to stick together - we may not be able to understand what each other is going through, and it may seem like little things to some people, but we all understand that something is going on in our lives that really means a lot to us and we need to rant or hear some feedback from folks.

I can't relate fully to what you are going through, but I can relate on some level (don't get me started on my in-laws....not to mention my own family).

I can say though that i am glad you took the time to post and get it out, because talking is an important step to releasing stress and it never hurts to get input from others.

If you ask for advice, I will give it. If you ask for someone to just listen, then post and I will. We all need to get some things out of our system (can you tell I do???) so rant away :)

[Bennyboy]

6. Thanks a lot.....

I am just at my wits end. My depression is totally overwhelming me right now, i don't want to do anything at all anymore and that is so not like me.

It has been a very very hard five years of this. And it just gets worse and worse and worse every single day. I ahve made some horrible life decisions to be there for my folks but that was just stupid.

[The Straight Story]

8. Trust me, I know all about 'stupid' decisions - but take my advice on this

We all do things under pressure we not normally do. Example:

I would not normally run into a burning house, but if there was a little kid trapped inside I would. Even though I am not trained and had no fire proof materials and the fire dept was on the way.

I have made some really fucked up decisions in life in the last few years, things I will always regret - but I also know I was under a pressure I had never felt before, so now I tell myself that I have learned from it all I can start over and with a bit more wisdom than I had before.

hell, I was married for 10 years to a woman I did not love (and who did not love me) - BUT if things had not went as they did I would not now be with the love of my life and have my little girl.

I'd live my pain all over again just to meet my wife.

You have a chance now to look at it all in the rear view mirror - forgive yourself first and your mistakes and use that knowledge to move on and find what YOU want in life, because no one else is gonna give it to you or care about it as much as you do.

I lived in a crappy motel alone but was true to myself, and while there I met my wife one day at work. The bad turned into something good later on.

I just hope the bad now I am going through will become good :) and I hope yours does as well.

Either way - What you are feeling right now is valid and sucks. I don't have answers, all I can do is rant with you :)

[Bennyboy]

9. Rant on......

I am hoping I see that light at the end of tunnell but it getting farther and farther away it seems.

Your story is somewhat inspiring however......Maybe there are better times ahead. When ever I have run into lifes difficulties there was always better times round the bend. But now it seems there aren't any and I may have run out of chances....

[The Straight Story]

11. I think it is all about our own freedom and what we seek/need to be honest

I think I pissed off my father in law one night when I told him I would be happy just living in a trailer in the desert with a shortwave radio, the internet, and maybe tv. I didn't mean I wouldn't be happier with my wife and such, I was just merely trying to make the point that I didn't need much in life and that everything else was icing on the cake.

I have a sick wife and daughter who depend on me to pay the bills, have food money, etc and so on. At one small point in my life I only had me to take care of. Having others rely on you for their shelter, food, health care, etc is a big job - especially in the world we live in now.

I could care less what others think about me or if they yell, etc, what makes me lose sleep is when I don't (like now) have hardly enough money even to get to work, needing more food, wanting to be able to have my daughter and wife go out and do some basic shit together and so on.

I don't mind letting down other people in life, but they need me and depend on me and suffer when I can't fix things. And I can't fix things. I can't fix my wife's health, our bills right now (though that is getting better slowly), our credit, I can't make my wife's dreams of going to Ireland come true anymore - and it is all up to me.

I'd rather be tortured than go through this shit.

And I see the same thing in your post - a good person with good intentions trap by a bunch of things and all you want to do is be ok with it all and do well for others.

It sucks, and all I can do now that helps is rant about it here. But by god it helps :)

[Bennyboy]

14. Sounds like you have it tough too. but

Seems like you have a lot of love going with you too. That is the one thing I don't have at all. Love. No woman in my life, my parents hate me and my kids are too far away and too preoccupied to show it......

[The Straight Story]

16. Silly as it may sound

You have people you don't even know who care about you. That is the liberal way after all :)

If I could ask you anything it would be: What do you want in life now, and what would it take to make that happen?

we all have to start somewhere, and I am learning to start over yet again myself.

I try (and fail at times) to realize each new day is the start of a new life. And sometimes I just want to sleep the fuck in and let it pass.

[Dangerously Amused]

7. Let go of everything that you can't control and/or that is not your responsibility.

Let go both physically and mentally. Keep reminding yourself to do this because otherwise some of those things will keep haunting you for awhile. Don't let them; make them leave your life.

That's the best advice I can think of for your situation right now.

Good luck.

[bluesbassman]

10. Hey Benny,

I know it's tough to get perspective in the middle of a shitstorm, but getting a change of scenery at the High Sierra Music Festival may give you a chance to put a little distance between you and the trials and help you get a little perspective. I know you're strong and you'll make it to the other side Bro. I'll be pulling for you.

[Bennyboy]

12. High Sierra will be bliss for sure....

Tons of my friends that I ahve not seen for a long time weill be there. lots of hugs, lots of nugs,killer music...But when it is over I will have to go back to the madness.....And that is scary.....

[darkstar]

13. At the festival, get in touch with this guy if you can

Hope this doesn't sound glib. It's sure not meant to be.

Hang tough, brother.

:hug:

[Bennyboy]

15. HA! HA! HA! that made me laugh.......

I will certainly try, when Bob is rocking the house I will be thinking of that photo for sure. That guy was cool as fuck! BTW, I really appreciate that you did that for me, I have used that so many times on some of the other boards I go on......