So I'm thinking of writing a letter to my Sister...Input needed

[bicentennial_baby]

For those of you who don't know the backstory, my Mother has ALS, and it's quite possible that she will die in the next 6-12 months. She was diagnosed in July 2007. Since then, my big Sister, who lives 20 minutes from my parents, has done NOTHING. No calls, no letters, no visits. It's all been on my little Brother and I, esp. my Brother, who lives there. Also, my Dad has MS, and has been in the hospital for 9 months. My Brother visits him every day, and cares for my Mom, while working full-time. My Ex stays there sometimes and helps out too. But, it's mainly on my Brother, who's only 26.

So, I'm planning to write her a letter, telling her that she doesn't have much time to either make amends or do *something* to help our Mother. I will take my time, as I don't want to write a very harsh/mean letter, but only to stress that she might want to reconsider her position, as it may be too late very soon.

What do y'all think? Thanks. :)

[flvegan]

1. Write it as if you were in your mom's shoes.

Ghostwrite for her, so to speak. Betcha it's a winnah.

[bicentennial_baby]

2. Good idea.

I'm a good writer, and I will take my time with it. Don't want all of my rage to seep through my words. I'm actually doing this for my Mom, so that makes sense.

Thanks babe. :hug:

[arcadian]

3. Write her

But be prepared that she is gonna do what ever it is she is gonna do. Are you writing the letter for your mom, for you or for your sister?

[bicentennial_baby]

6. For my Mom, primarily

But yes, I'm prepared for her to make a meaningless gesture and then continue to do nothing. I have to try though. Thanks :pals:

[Maddy McCall]

4. First line: In the future, you will never want to lie your head on the pillow at night....

knowing that our mother passed and you didn't do everything within your power to make her final months more comfortable--emotionally and physically. It is because I love you and worry about your present apparent lack of involvement in mother's day-to-day life. My concern isn't the burden that isn't being equally shared between you, brother, and me, but the fact that one day you'll have to live with the guilt--which may not be on your mind right now--that you did very little to assure mother of your love for her. I can handle the stress that your detachment puts on me--and brother--but will you be able to handle the regret of not helping when mother is gone?


(And I'm very sorry about your mother's health. You've had a hell of a six months. :hug: )

[bicentennial_baby]

5. That's the gist of what I want to say, exactly

You put it perfectly.

Thanks friend :hug:

I'm hanging on, barely. When she was sobbing in my arms yesterday b/c she can no longer eat and needs a feeding tube was probably one of the worst moments of my life. I don't feel strong, but I suppose that the fact I'm still upright and "functioning" indicates otherwise. Caveat: I did spend my day in bed, being depressed and sleeping, b/c yesterday sucked. Tomorrow, I'm going to get textbooks and hang out by the ocean on campus. Day by day...That's how I live right now.

[Maddy McCall]

7. Take care of yourself.

Any chance you could take a little lighter load this semester?

You need those days in bed....whatever it takes to get through, you know?

When my pop was diagnosed with cancer (he's all good...in total remission for four years)...the thought of losing him sent me into a depression that I had never fathomed was possible. I learned quickly to put aside all of the firm goals based on concrete timelines I had set for myself, and to do what I could live with. For me...that meant taking some time off from the doctorate and just working for a living as an instructor...what good was a PhD if it meant that I had to neglect my family to get it? Somehow, through all of that, I managed to take my doctoral comps...and pass...but the dissertation has certainly fallen into non-priority position as tending to my elderly parents has begun to come first.

Not saying to give up on your goals...but just saying that sometimes what we consider hard-n-fast timelines can be adjusted--to preserve our own mental health. Somehow things work out. I don't know if it's because we learn to adapt, or because they just do.

:hug:

So very sorry about your mother.

[bicentennial_baby]

10. I wish that I could but...I have to take this load to keep my loans, etc

3 classes (easy Econ electives), but my Thesis, my Internship, and the pressure of getting the main Thesis work done by December, when I'm presenting at a conference in December, a week before finals. Actually, I think it's the first day of Finals week. I'm in a pickle, of sorts. I'm not really sure what to do. If I take a leave of absence, I lose my aid and the excess aid, which I need to make ends meet.

If I had known things were going to get this rough this fast, I would have graduated in May and foregone the extra year/Honors thesis route. Essentially, I'm fucked, but I don't really have another option, that I can think of at the moment.

I'm sure you understand what I mean. I'll muddle through. Thank fucking Jeebus that my Ex decided to not move away (mainly b/c of my family situation) and is willing to do anything and everything to help my parents right now. He's basically a member of the family, and if he weren't staying, I'd be losing it right now. My Brother just can't do it all.

/vent over.

:hug:

[Maddy McCall]

15. Thing is, if you're going to go to graduate school...

that honor's thesis will pay off in ways you can't imagine, as will the presentation...and hopefully you'll get a publication out of it.

Don't take a leave of absense....I fully understand how aid, scholarships, grants, etc. carry us nontraditional students through.

You won't be able to present your whole thesis at the conference, so the main thing you need to do is get the paper together that you plan to present. Are you planning to graduate in May or December?

Because, if it's May, you can stretch out the actual work you're going to do on your thesis over the nine months, instead of trying to get a WHOLE thesis done by December, along with the paper you plan to present.

Remember...most presentations last ten to twenty minutes. That's a ten-page paper. You can write that in your sleep. And the pay-off from having presentations on your CV cannot be overestimated.

Get that most pressing goal accomplished, and then work on your thesis as you can.

YOU CAN DO THIS. Any advice I can give you (economics isn't my major by any means, but I do understand the stress involved in preparing papers for presentation AND in writing an honor's thesis), fire me off a PM...

I'm pulling for you. This is doable. You just have to be creative in the way you find time to do it. :hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

17. I graduate in May...The Honors thesis is a 2-semester thing

I'm just concerned about being prepared for December b/c it's not a traditional thesis (involves designing and carrying out a survey on a few 100 students). I was supposed to be working on it this Summer, but...things got out of hand with the family situation, and it didn't get done.

I KNOW I can do it, I'm just very worried. I need to email my Thesis adviser/mentor tomorrow. Thankfully, it's a poster presentation, so it's not as bad as a lecture type. And yes, my adviser wants me to get published, b/c getting published as an Undergrad is a big deal when it comes to grad school, esp. for Econ, b/c practically nobody does that, and it could mean the difference btwn getting into say, a Harvard PhD program and getting into a Tufts MA program. I'd much rather get into a PhD straight off, b/c of the possibility for more funding. That's what all of my Profs tell me to reach for.

I have a feeling I will be PMing you during the coming months. Thank you so much Maddy :hug:

And, I can't fucking wait for May to be here. If all goes as planned, I will graduate with Honors and Distinction in Economics. That will make it worth it. My parents, sick as they are, would kill me if I dropped out now. All they want is for me to excel and achieve my dreams. I have to do it. Sleep be damned, I guess. :)

[SeattleGirl]

9. Hey babykins

What kind of feeding tube did she get? The one that goes through the nostril, or the one they surgically implant the end of in her abdomen?

My mom had both kinds, and the abdominal one was much better for her.

And best to you in writing your letter. I have a brother who was like your sis. I saw mom far more than he did and I live nearly 300 miles from the town she lived in. My brother lived less than 10 miles away from her.

He was really hit hard with guilt and regret when she passed away. I felt bad for him, but I also know he could have gone to see mom a whole lot more than he did.

:hug:

[bicentennial_baby]

11. She doesn't have it yet, but I assume it will be abdominal

As she has problems with choking/aspiration. She sees her ALS doctor on Friday. I know he's going to put this in motion, but she doesn't want it. At the same time, it's that or...well, you know.

I'm going to write the letter. Don't know how much good it will do, but I have to try.

Thanks sweet girl :hug:

[LeftyMom]

8. Sometimes people just can't deal.

When my grandfather died, my mother wasn't really able to cope and be there, and my aunt took care of everything, while my mother ran away to Hawaii. When my grandmother died, the opposite happened, my mother was there for everything, handled it like a pro, and my aunt took off for Texas.

Sometimes people just aren't able to handle the one person they've depended on their whole lives dying. It sucks, but you're not going to change it with a letter.

[bicentennial_baby]

12. But I can't just not say anything...

Basically, a lot of this stems from a grudge she's holding from age 16. She's 40 now. It's not so much a "can't deal", it's a "choose to ignore b/c I'm still pissed off" issue. That's why I'm angry.

I'm still going to write her, whether it does anything or not. Because frankly, there is nothing I'd like better than to "not deal" with it. I'd LOVE to pretend this isn't happening. Run away, etc. But I don't b/c it's my Mom. Mom and I have had our issues as well, believe me. But, I can put aside my issues with illness and dying for her. I just don't buy that excuse. Grownups need to suck it up and deal, period. I couldn't live with that guilt. No way.

Ymmv. :)

[LeftyMom]

13. Oh no, I'm not saying not to say something

I'm just saying that for your sanity, you have to accept that she's probably not going to step up, and that you can't change that. All you can do is try, and then the ball's in her court.

[bicentennial_baby]

14. Oh, I'm prepared for that

In fact, I expect her to do nothing at all, not even respond to me. She's the odd duck of us three, we've always been at odds. We used to be close, but I couldn't deal with her expectations and her bitching about our parents, so I stopped trying to deal with her. Hell, her Ex Husband was hitting on me when I was 12, and she didn't do anything. But that's another story.

Yeah, I doubt she'll care. I feel bad for her. While my Brother and I are in a living hell with this, we will be at peace when it's over, knowing that we did our best for them. At that point, I will take my Brother in and help him begin the life he's put on hold for so long to take care of them. We will be ok, and we will survive, as best we can. Her, she will have her own private hell, knowing she failed every one of us b/c she decided that she had no obligation to her family. It's not my problem.

She's not the only one I'm angry with...There's both of my Mom's siblings too, but that's another matter entirely.

Thanks for listening. :hug:

[NMDemDist2]

16. write several

burn the first 20 or so

then see if you have something you can send

I am assuming there is a strained relationship that you are writing rather than just picking up the phone and saying "Hey sis, WTF??"

[bicentennial_baby]

18. You got it...

We used to be very close, but it got to the point where I couldn't deal with her "issues", constant criticism of our family, and just...her. So I stopped talking to her a couple years back. Basically when I moved to Boston. And with her neglect of my parents, my desire to be in contact has dropped to negative levels. Trust me, I miss my Sister, and my nephews and niece.

She was the one I could call, day or night, no matter what, who would help me and make things better. Things are just different now, and I feel like the grownup, even though she's 9 years older than me. It's weird.

[Skittles]

19. bb

can you go see her to talk to her? Much better way to gauge her reaction.

You need to tell her there's a possibility that years down the road she will very much regret not doing anything, however she feels about it now.

[bicentennial_baby]

20. Well, she's 100 miles away and works all day, so

it would be difficult, unless I spend a night at home, which I'm not really wanting to do. Plus, I'd rather not be getting in a screaming match. She likes her wine, and I'm not up for a battle of wills with a belligerent tipsy person. Dig?

Thanks for your input Skittles. I'd rather just talk to her, but it's difficult. Maybe I should call her?

:pals:

[Skittles]

21. hmmmm

probably, yes........try to make her understand she is doing something she may highly regret down the road, no matter what satisfaction she thinks she is getting now

[bicentennial_baby]

22. Ok, I'll try calling her tomorrow, before I write a letter

I'm just afraid of the tongue lashing I will get, as undeserved as it is. She's one of those people who expects you to contact her, even though she won't contact you. Ugh.

I'll try though. Thank you so much. You are correct. :pals:

[Skittles]

23. you may not get anywhere

but you'll know you did what you could and THAT will be good for you at the very least

[Gormy Cuss]

26. You know what, b_baby? I agree --call her.

If she tries to guilt you over the lack of contact, tell her that while you miss her and her family you've been really constrained for time lately between your parents' health and the school load and use that as an opening for the purpose of your call.

:hug:

[zanne]

24. Never put it in writing.

If you want your sister to know how you feel, talk to her. If you send her a letter, you can't unsend it and the words in it will still anger even as tempers cool. It could also come back to bite you in the butt.

[Callalily]

25. No advice, just hugs

and prayers.

:hug: :hug: