Post your best joke or funniest story

[NJmaverick]

The lounge could sure use a few good laughs

[SCantiGOP]

1. new Rolling Stone mag

was a comedy issue. It had several people's favorite joke. Robin Williams had a rather nasty one:
Couple having sex look up to see horrified 10 year old son in the doorway, who then runs away. They decide Dad must go talk to him about it. He gets dressed, walks to kid's door and pushes it open to see the boy having sex with his grandmother. The boy looks up and says, "So, it's not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

[NJmaverick]

2. That was bad, but funny

[kentauros]

3. The Lawyer and the Sheriif

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any
cop from Houston, Texas.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas
deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," Says the deputy. "License
and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[NJmaverick]

4. While Attending.................

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Tom and his wife Peg listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

[YankeyMCC]

5. lol

I love that punch line! "The rest of the story is not pleasant"

lol

[lazyriver]

6. OK, most people that read this last Christmas found it funny...

A woman with whom I used to work likes to include me in her chain emails despite my repeated objections and requests for removal. She's a sweet person and my friend but a bit sappy. Last Christmas she sent me yet another "Get to know your friends" email questionnaire. What follows is the document in its entirety; her questions followed by my responses. I was in a rare mood that day and winged the replies in about 3 minutes total. I am most proud of #7 and suggest reading it last...
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Welcome to the 'Christmas Edition' of getting to know your friends!!!

Okay, here's what you're supposed to do and try not to be a SCROOGE!!!

Just copy this entire email and paste into a new blank e-mail that you can send. Change all the answers so they apply to you. Then, send this to a whole bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. It's the season to be cheerful!!! :-)
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1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I like to open either and both start my wood stove.

2. Real or Artificial tree? I have plenty of trees in my yard. Why would I want one in my house?

3. When do you put up the tree? Like I said in question 2...

4. When do you take the tree down? I cut down several each fall for next year’s firewood, Ok? What’s with the tree questions?

5. Do you like Eggnog? I refuse to try it until someone can tell me what the hell “nog” is. Sounds like something that comes out of a sick kid’s nose on a cold winter day.

6. Favorite Gift you received as a child? I guess it would have to be the bottle of brandy my senile hard-drinking grandmother accidentally tagged with my name when I was 10 years old.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? No, but I live in backwoods, Maine. It is only a matter of time until by sheer chance a collection of farm animals, three old spooky guys, and a pregnant woman who doesn’t know who fathered her child assemble in my backyard at the same time.

8. Hardest person to buy for? That’s easy: The one that wants the most expensive thing.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Also easy: That person who said last Christmas when you handed him or her the gift, “Aw, you didn’t have to do that”.

10. Worst Christmas gift ever received? The Christmas after she gave me the brandy, Grandma went to jail for getting drunk and robbing a convenience store. She didn’t send me a gift that year

11. Christmas Cards...Snail mail or E-mail? Christmas cards!...New Year’s kindling!

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? “A Christmas Story”. Nothing says Christmas like a new gun.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Whenever the security cameras aren’t pointed at me.

14. Have you ever 'recycled' a Christmas present? Yes, consider my witty replies to this email your gift for this year.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? All those yummy fruit cakes. What are you freakin’ kidding me? Those things aren’t fit for my compost pile.

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Don’t get me started on the damned tree thing again.

17. Favorite Christmas Song? Serious for a second: “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” – John Lennon.

18. Travel at Christmas or Stay Home? I wish I could stay home but it’s my turn to go visit Grandma in prison and smuggle in her smokes and booze.

19. Can you name Santa's Reindeer? I’ve got a few names for the one who crapped on my roof last year but I don’t know who might see this email and get offended by foul language.

20. Do you have an Angel or a Star on top of your tree? Again with the M’effing trees??? What do you have some sort of weird pine needle fetish??? Oops, gotta watch the language, but you’re really pissing me off with all these questions about trees.

21. Open the Presents Christmas Eve or Morning? Christmas Afternoon. Too drunk on Christmas Eve, too hung over on Christmas Morning.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Every year it seems someone sends me a stupid chain email and I feel obligated to participate. Hmmm, probably shouldn’t have said that out loud, huh?

23. Shopping...Mall or on-line? Mall, it’s getting too difficult and risky to steal stuff online.

24. Do you decorate outside for Christmas or just inside (or at all?) Real clever. This is another tree question, isn’t it? Well, I’ll play along. Last year I hung the carcass of the deer I shot out of season from a spruce tree behind my barn. He kind of looked like Rudolph and it was snowing. Does that count?

25. Favorite Christmas cookie? Strufoli. Look it up.

26. Do you own Christmassy clothing or jewelry? I made a pair of slippers from last year’s “Rudolph”.

27. Do you believe in Santa? Approximate waistline of “Santa” = 54 inches (that’s being kind). Using C = pi x diameter, diameter equals 17.14 inches. Average diameter of chimney pipes = 10 inches. You can do the rest of the math.

[Beer Snob-50]

7. i dreamt i was a muffler last night...

i woke up exhausted.

[Beer Snob-50]

8. i dreamt i was a muffler last night...

i woke up exhausted.

[madinmaryland]

9. This one....

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing......

:rofl:

[NJmaverick]

10. I never heard that one, how does the rest of it go?

O8)

[Haole Girl]

11. My favorite little joke:

What did the Doe say went she left the forest?

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I'll never do THAT for two bucks again!!

:rofl:

[Ohio Joe]

12. This guy walks into the odctors office...

and says "duh duh duh doctor, I got a pr pr pr pr problem. I ca ca ca can't sto sto sto stop st st st stuttering". The doctor says "well, lets give you an exam and see what the problem is". The doctor gives the man an exam and then tells him "Well... it seems your private parts are so large that the weight of them is pulling down on your vocal cords and causing you to stutter but the good news is we can give you reduction surgery and you'll be just fine". The man says "o o o o ok".

Six months later, the man goes back to the doctor and says " Doctor, its great, my stutter is completely gone but... I have a problem. I can no longer satisfy my girlfriend the way I used to and we decided we want to go back to the way it was, can you put it back?" and the doctor says "fuh fuh fuh fuck yo yo yo you".

[Ohio Joe]

13. oops, double post - delete

[EFerrari]

14. So, this drunk goes back down to the front desk to complain to the manager.

I demand another room. This one is UNACCEPTABLE!

The manager says, but that's one of our best rooms. I apologize for your inconvenience. What's the matter?

The drunk says, well, for one thing, it's on fire.

(I know, I know -- I just love this one. It's people all over. :rofl:)

[PVnRT]

15. A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar

and the bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

George W. Bush walks into a bar. The bartender kicks him in the nuts.

[BOSSHOG]

16. Heard a loud voice in a gas station parking lot in Mississippi

A very loud shrill female voice: I cook your food, I wash your clothes, I suck your dick and you want to spend the weekend with your wife and kids ..... ??

[applegrove]

17. My sister told me this one a few weeks ago. She and her family went to

the zoo just after her baby was born. They stopped in front of the gorilla display. My sister and the female gorilla both had newborns with them and my sister was 'in the momment' comparing each other's child. There was a lecturer there talking about the newborn gorilla and how they hadn't gotten close enough to it to tell its sex yet.

All of a sudden the big silverback male came running out, thumping his chest like crazy. The panicky lecturer started to panic and was telling people to move away from the display. She said it was very dangerous for a newborn to be around an angry silverback.

Suddently she looked at my brother in law. She said "You take off your hat". So he did. The lecturer then said "You undo your black fleece zipper". So he did - showing a white shirt underneath. The Silverback calmed down completely and turned and left.

LOL! My brother in law is 6'5" and put on a black fleece jacket & black hat for that day at the zoo. My sister wasn't the only great ape comparing and contrasting herself in an intraspecies way that day.

[trueblue2007]

18. old man joke

little joke for you today....


An elderly man, on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'
The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'

'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...


But I'll stick with my Moped!'


Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!

'What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.

Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor.... is there anything I can do for you?'

The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror'.