Rant, Re dealing with gossip among a group....

[SacredCow]

I belong to a gay mens' Mardi Gras Krewe with about 75 members. OK, so by default, gossip and bitchiness is rampant, and I know this. But is there, or should there be a distinction between "harmless" gossip and just out and out viciousness?

The details are unimportant at this point, but the unfortunate situation between my ex (who is also a member) and I was among the latest items in the rumor mill- A version that was so bizzare (not to mention insulting to my character) that my first impulse was to laugh until I realized that there were people taking it seriously and continuing to spread it around (One person in particular). Then it hit me that though my ex and I were clearly and outwardly hurting, all our "brothers" in the Krewe saw fit to do was spread around a story that was patently false.

I decided that a call-out was in order, and I chose to send a blanket email to the entire membership, though specifically targeting the person who was so forthcoming with the lies. The following is a redacted version:

I have heard through reliable sources that you have taken it upon yourself to spread completely unfounded and vicious lies about the current unfortunate situation between my ex and I. I find this to be, in a word, reprehensible. You portray yourself as a friend to my ex, yet you are passing around your fictional version of the events as truth. Indeed, this situation is clearly not any of your business, so even if your version had a slight amount of truth to it, the act of gossip is not looked upon as appropriate by me, and others. However, the account you have spread around is a consummate fabrication on your part- for reasons I can not possibly imagine- or even have the desire to imagine.

As a fellow Krewe member, I find your actions to be utterly out of line with the definition of "brotherhood." In fact, I don't even find them to be within the realm of good taste- and I doubt very seriously that I am alone in thinking so. Consider this email to be your official "cease and desist" letter about spreading your version of personal matters between my ex and myself.

If anyone whom I have CC'd or forwarded on this email would care to discuss the matter with my ex or myself personally, I for one would be more than happy to do so.

By and large, the reaction I got from the members of the Krewe amounts to, "Oh, you're over-reacting- that's just the way it is, particularly with gay men- It's just what we do. Tomorrow, it'll be somebody else's dirty laundry on display." Excuse me? I'm just supposed to, as another member put it, "take the high road?" I don't THINK so!!!!!!! IF this "is the way it is," then it's mostly because people LET it happen. One thing is for certain- within a day of sending that message, all chatter about my personal life ceased.

Anyhoo- I just needed to get that out of my system. Comments welcomed.

Peace, out!

:rant:

[Fire Walk With Me]

1. "Speech to break relations and opportunities" is counted as one of the wrong uses of the voice

in a particular spiritual tradition. If this sums up what you're experiencing, then they're wrong and should stop.

"Should" of course, being optimum, and humans are anything but optimum. Some people HAVE to spread their own misery by harming others.

[SacredCow]

2. It was a clear case of kicking people when they're down....

I received not ONE message of "Hey- I heard, and I hope you're OK.." and neither did my ex. They were all too busy passing around and embellishing the sordid version.

[Fire Walk With Me]

3. Misery, externalized.

Unhappiness at something about themselves, which they then attack in others.

[qb]

4. Gossip & distortions are making my life a living hell.

I appreciate your letter. I sent a letter with similar sentiments to the perpetrator (my ex-wife) and copied my lawyer.

Best wishes to you & your ex.

:hi:

[SacredCow]

5. Thanks....

Best of luck to you, as well!