Question about a friend's relationship (gay men especially welcome to respond)

[XemaSab]

My friend Greg has been dating this guy for about a year.

My friend is 40, and this is his first serious relationship in about 4 years. Greg's had a pretty (ahem) active sex life before this, but he's at the stage in his life where he wants to settle down and be with one person long term.

The boyfriend, Jack, is 43 and was married to a woman for about 15 years, but then he came out as bi about 5 years ago and divorced his wife. Since then he has had one serious relationship with a man before getting together with my friend. (I know "straight-acting" is an offensive term, but this guy sounds like every straight guy I ever dated, down to being flaky about returning phone calls and spending half the weekend watching football. :eyes:)

Virtually from the beginning of the relationship, they have had intimacy issues. In the beginning my friend was upset that Jack would never kiss him or make affectionate gestures without first being prompted. Also from the beginning Greg has been upset that Jack will check out other guys when they are hanging out together. This is compounded by the fact that they haven't had sex in six months, even though they spend every weekend together. They have had numerous discussions about these issues, and if I know Greg, he doesn't hold back when he is frustrated about something.

Last time I talked to Greg he told me that Jack was going to sell his house and they were going to get an apartment together.

This seems like a really bad idea to me, but when Greg told me that I was all like "Oh! Congratulations!"

Does this sound at all normal, or is it as weird as I think it is? :shrug:

And remember, part of it might be that Jack is an "ex-straight," so he might not understand gay relationships and what's expected the way Greg does. But for two healthy men in the prime of life to have NO sex for 6 months straight after having only been together for a few months sounds wrong to me, and I can't help but think it's going to get more wrong if they move in together.

[ThomCat]

1. I think you are right that it's a bit warning bell.

There is a big problem in there somewhere that they are not addressing. Is Jack having sex with anyone else on the side? I'm thinking it's very possible.

[XemaSab]

2. I was sort of wondering if Jack was screwing around myself

Or if he's not now, how soon he will be.

I know Greg keeps talking to him about it, and they keep "working things out," but it never actually gets worked out, ya know? :shrug:

[XemaSab]

3. Next-day kick

:kick:

[foxfeet]

4. I don't think this bodes well.

Too many issues, apparently several fundamental differences in how one approaches a relationship, and there seems to be, from your description, a "forced" quality, forging ahead and obstacles be damned. I know this sounds harsh, but this seems doomed from the get-go. I'm not sure Jack is really into a long-term relationship deep in his heart of hearts.

[originalpckelly]

5. OK, they should not be moving in.

If anything after 6 months of no sex, this relationship should end. It is all too easy for a gay/bi man to cheat, and it sounds like that's happening. He may be having doubts about being attracted to men, but his wandering eyes suggests otherwise.

[billyskank]

6. Sounds like Jack's just not that into Greg.

I hadn't heard that gay relationships were different from hetero relationships, except insofar as every relationship is different.

:shrug:

[racaulk]

7. I think your intuition is right on with this one.

You're right. If they've only been together for a year, and they haven't had sex for the last six months, then there is definitely a problem that is not being addressed. I think in most relationships, gay or otherwise, people f*ck like rabbits when they first get together. You're just so infatuated by the other person and by the "newness" of the relationship that you can't keep your hands off one another. If that intensity has already faded for Jack, then it may be that he's not being completely honest about his feelings.

Also, affection that you show to your partner should come naturally to you, you can't do it because it is expected by your partner. Jack should kiss Greg because he wants to and because it is comfortable for him. It doesn't seem to me that Jack's libido is lacking if he is checking out other guys. If he didn't want to have sex at all, with anyone, then that may be one thing. But if he is withdrawing sexually from Greg, when his sex drive is otherwise normal, then that is not a good sign.

This is just a hunch, but if Jack is attracted to men and just recently started having sex with them, then it could be that Jack is still in his "sowing my wild oats" stage. If so, then a relationship with Greg may not be what he really wants, and he may be afraid to admit it for fear of hurting Greg.

Based on the limited amount of information that I have on this situation that you provided in your OP, I think all signs are pointing to trouble here. I certainly don't think they should move in together until they get these issues worked out.

I'm no relationship expert, but I have been in a gay relationship (or three). I hope this helps. :hi:

And FYI, it's not just straight guys that are flaky about returning phone calls. I admittedly have this problem also, and it regularly pisses off my female friends. :)