I'd like to be "America's Pastor". Suggest ways I might accomplish this.

[Critters2]

Cuz what I've been doin' so far has gained me neither fame nor fortune. I'm open to suggestions.

[LeftyMom]

1. Cobble some simple feel good bullshit together into a book.

Go on teevee a lot.

[Critters2]

2. Adding to my to-do list!

bullshit book

teevee and lots of it


Thanks! :hi:

[nickgutierrez]

3. Be "controversial" - Find a minority group to bash.

Rick Warren hates the gays, and the athiests. Pat Robertson hates anybody that isn't white and from the United States. You need your niche, and it doesn't really matter who it is, as long as there's just enough of them to get pissed off in return.

That notoriety sells books.

[Critters2]

8. Stupid me. I've been trying to befriend minorities, to minister to them.

Getting labeled "the gay church" certainly hasn't made us "mega" though.

Predictably, I'm doing it all wrong.

[Zuni]

4. Just keep preaching The Word

and keep leading people to do what is right.

[Zuni]

6. But, I wouldn't expect to be popular if you do this

no one really wants to be told to pick up their cross. They want an easy way.

[Critters2]

39. Wait. What? America's Pastor must be popular.

That's the whole point. I don't think you're paying attention.

[JVS]

5. Read up of theologia crucis and theologia gloriae. Always side with theologia gloriae.

People eat that shit up.

[Critters2]

10. Oh man! I have a Lutheran colleague who can't say "theologiae gloriae"

without making this really cool spitting noise. I lead conversations in that direction just to get her to do that! :)

[JVS]

14. Theologian of glory is Luther-speak for "fucking shithead asslicking motherfucker dickwad".

[Critters2]

15. So I gathered. It does sound better in Latin. :) nt

[KitchenWitch]

7. Convert to the Prosperity Theology

Tell people that if they are not rich, it is because they do not believe strong enough. Require your flock to tithe 15%.

[XemaSab]

9. And tell them they can knock 1% off their tithe

for every additional sheep they sucker into your flock. :P

[Critters2]

11. Words to live by. nt

[KitchenWitch]

12. 1% per sucker, up to 5. Gotta have everyone at least giving 10%

[Critters2]

13. So, part of the problem may be my poor math skills. nt

[KitchenWitch]

16. I would be happy to help you with the math parts of your ministry!

:patriot:

[Critters2]

18. When I need to put together my mega-staff, you'll be my business manager!

Congrats!

[LeftyMom]

20. If you're going to get famous, you have to keep the books on people like Tom DeLay or the Mormons.

"I see you made 86,000 last year, but you only donated 5K and I don't see any donations by you to any major political cause. As a church we believe that generosity is an important part faith. Can I put you down for another 5K to the church and $1500 to my buddy's congressional campaign? Keeping in mind that Deacon Smith is retiring and moving to Arizona and I've heard you feel you're called to a leadership position..."

[Critters2]

23. This America's Pastor-ing is hard work.

These guys really earn their pay!

So, I need to become more detail-oriented. Check!

[LeftyMom]

31. But the good news is it's really lucrative.

You'll have a vacation house in a ski community, one on the beach, a trophy spouse and a Bentley in no time.

[Critters2]

32. Well, hard work does pay off. That's the American Way! nt

[kayakjohnny]

17. Well, you could stop fucking your wife and start fucking other people's wives.

Or hookers. Or men. And then you could cry about it while you pray for forgiveness on live tv. That always seems to work.

[JVS]

19. That's how you retire

[kayakjohnny]

22. Right, but there's still the name recognition in the meantime.

[Critters2]

21. I should probably avoid fucking my wife. America's Pastor can't possibly be lesbian.

But you raise an interesting point. Is America ready for a bi woman America's Pastor? I think AC360 should do a story about this.

[kayakjohnny]

24. Oh yes, America is totally ready. You just lay it out there for them.

I'm sure they'll understand. If not, you're probably cool in some obscure European country, that isn't even on the map yet. But the point is, that there IS a place for you. America's Pastor is a lofty goal. Maybe you should start with a non-superpower. Which, of course, is everywhere else.

[Critters2]

27. So, I should start by becoming Iceland's Pastor, and move up from there?

Good thinking! Thanks!

[GreenPartyVoter]

25. Well, it's a tragedy that Fred Rogers is no longer around. Why not

pick up where he left off? If not America's pastor, you could at least have a whole neighborhood. :hug:

[Critters2]

35. Get thee behind me, GreenPartyVoter!

Why do you want to kill my dream?! :cry:

[GreenPartyVoter]

But you gotta admit, to be on a par with Fred Rogers is to qualify for sainthood, at least

amongst preschoolers. And anyone else who lives in make-believe. :)

[Critters2]

41. Sainthood. Meh. It's power and prestige I'm talking about! nt

[GreenPartyVoter]

42. Well, that's easy. Sell out.

[Critters2]

44. See, that's what I'm talkin' about! nt

[rug]

26. Do an infomercial.

[Critters2]

30. Solo, or should I call Billy Mays? nt

[rug]

36. Get Ron Popeil too and you'll have a trinity.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20081214091433AAY2xeJ

[calico1]

28. How many people have you bilked out of

money? That helps...

[Critters2]

29. None yet. I really have not been applying myself, it seems. nt

[northernlights]

33. re-interpret and re-write the bible

You can't be America's Pastor or anybody's pastor if you're not a vessel for the Word of God.

And then, of course, after you've re-written it, complete with new illustrations, you can sell it to your sheeple.

[Rabrrrrrr]

34. Speak to our basest, most materialistic, narcissistic, ignorant, and ego-centric reptilian brain

with a flag-wrapped easy-to-digest harmless nationalistic triumphalist Jesus who never asks for money or self-sacrifice, but only promises us riches and glory to the people that we force to sacrifice for us.

[Critters2]

37. So, negative mimesis and lots of it, huh? Can do! nt

[Deja Q]

38. Lick a toad

:D

[Critters2]

40. LOL!! nt

[kayakjohnny]

43. Do you own a mansion? Can you fill a stadium? Does your wife wear lots of makeup?

Are you from the south? Do they fall over when you push on their foreheads while 'healing' them? Is there a lot of crying and waving of the hands? Do people in your company have that 'suckered' look? Do you use an inordinate amount of hair spray? Are you on tv at all kinds of strange hours? If yes to any three of these, and I think you're on your way.

[Critters2]

45. Wow. It's pretty much "no" to all of these. I do have a pretty big house,

but not a mansion. I watch TV at all hours. Other than that, well, it looks like I have a lot of work to do.

Thanks, Bummer Bob.

[kayakjohnny]

47. Sorry, I used to train America's Pastors. I know what makes or breaks them.

It's a lot like boot camp. They either had the stuff or they didn't. Let me ask though, can you add extra syllables to common words? Example, "....and you will be say-eved-duh" (Saved). If you can, I think I can still work with you. Be prepared for some 'sacrifice' though. No pun intended.

[Critters2]

48. You trained America's Pastors? When and where?

I think I can get the extra syllable thing down.

[kayakjohnny]

52. It was an undisclosed location, I believe in North Carolina. Early 60's.

Those were the days. Sent one 'BG' out there. He seemed to do well. Although I don't like his boy much these days. Uh, let's see ... who else. Oh, I had a lot of regional people that made it pretty big, but Billy was probably my best student. He had the 'look'. It was those eyes. Plus, he bought into the gig pretty well. He even had me convinced a time or two. Oh yes, I'll always miss Billy.

[Critters2]

53. I'm thinkin' mistake #1 for me may have been attending a mainline seminary.

Or maybe even belonging to a mainline church. I need to work on my "condemnin' libruls" skills. And I'm pretty sure I don't have "the look".

[kayakjohnny]

55. You'll be fine. Start local, go regional, with an eye on national. Everything will be cool.

Trust me.

[Critters2]

56. I seem to be doin' local okay. So, step 1 accomplished.

Thanks!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

46. Have you ever read a 1960s book called "How to Become a Bishop without Being Religious"?

I'm sure it's out of print, but it's a great take-off on church politics.

One road to popularity listed in the book is never to program hymns that the congregation doesn't know, unless they're like pop tunes. Three out of four hymns should be heavy on the words "I" and "me."

[Critters2]

49. My congregation has been asking me to do the same thing--only hymns they know.

They're wiser than I give 'em credit for. The "I" and "me" thing is new, though. I'll give it a whirl! Thanks!

[Lydia Leftcoast]

50. Amazing Grace is so popular for a reason

:evilgrin:

[Critters2]

51. "In the Garden" is another one of those.

My people love it. Me? :puke:

One of my organists pointed out that "In the Garden" is a waltz, so it even has this "dancing with Jesus" feel to it, that probably hits people at a subconscious level.

[JuniperLea]

54. Spreading fear and hate seems to be key...

In building your bank account.

Name yourself Pastor Dollar... oh, wait. It's been done.

SEND ME YOUR MONEY!

Welcome to the Church of Suicidal
We'll have a sermon and a wonderful recital
But before we go on there's something I must mention
An important message I must bring to your attention
I was in meditation and prayer last night
I was awakened by a shining bright light
Overhead a glorious spirit, he gave me a message and you all
need to hear it
"Send me your money," that's what he said
He said to "Send me your money"
Now if you can only send a dollar or two
There ain't a hell of a lot I can do for you
But if you want to see heaven's door
Make out a check for five hundred or more
"Send me your money," do you hear what I said?
"Send me your money"

Now give me some bass, um yea that's how he likes it
Now give me some silence, for all you sinners
Now give me some bass, yea that was funky
Now take them on home Brother Clark, send me your money
Here comes another con hiding behind a collar
His only god is the almighty dollar
He ain't no prophet, he ain't healer
He's just a two bit goddamn money stealer
Send me your money
Send it, you got to send it
Send me your money
You hear what I'm saying?
Send it, send it
Send me your money
How much you give is your own choice
But to me it is the difference between a Porsche and a Rolls Royce
I want you to make it hurt when you dig into your pocket
Cause it makes me feel so good to watch my profits rocket
Send me your money
Now dig in deep, dig real deep into your pocket
I want you to make it hurt!
We'll take cash, we'll take checks
We'll take credit cards, we'll take jewelry
We'll take your momma's dentures if they got gold in them
So whose gonna be the next king of the fakers
Whose gonna take the place of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker?
See my momma, she didn't raise no fool
Couse you can't put a price on a miracle
Amen

[Critters2]

57. Creflo Dollar! I love that name!! So brilliantly fitting! nt

[JuniperLea]

58. Funny how God's always broke...

And is always having his people ask for more money. If I were God, I'd create my own money printing press. Shoot. God must be wasting a lot of good tricks.

[Critters2]

59. After all, that's how the federal government does it.

God needs to start taking notes!

[JuniperLea]

61. I'll be so freaking disappointed...

If in the end we learn that the Fed really was God afterall... ugh.

[Ellen Forradalom]

60. Come up with a snappy book title

like The Purpose-Driven Life.

William S. Burroughs said this about writing self-help books: "Your Erroneous Zones. I really take my hat off to that title. It hits the reader right where he lives. And gooses him right up to the cash register...Get the title first, then write the book."

Then sell a zillion copies to people who think you know something they don't, then build an empire, and become America's Pastor. Simple!

[elshiva]

62. I wish you were America's Pastor, too.

Unfortunately, you are too liberal. Don't ever change. :hug: Merry Christmas! :toast:

[Fire Walk With Me]

63. Live your life as an example all would want to follow.

Well, that hasn't found millions heading to Calcutta to mimic St. Theresa...

Just be what you are, which is exactly enough.

[BleedingHeartRN]

64. Adopt 27 orphans

The more pitiful, the better. Next, call in the networks to "document" your life with your orphans. Sell to the highest bidder. Call it all a ministry and claim tax exempt status. Make sure the young 'uns are always looking happy and grateful on camera. Roll around naked in all the cash you'll be raking in from the show, watched religously (pun intended) by bleeding heart schmucks who can't get enough emotional porn. Laugh all the way to the bank.