If you are offended by parrot jokes, DO NOT read this post.

[MajorChode]

Consider yourself adequately warned...

Post your parrot jokes here.

Mine:

Joke 1:

A guy boards a plane, finds his seat, and notices he's seated next to a parrot. He shrugs and thinks to himself, "I've sat next to worse."

After the flight takes off the stewardess comes by and takes their drink orders. The parrot exclaims, "SQUAWK!!!! Bring me a jigger of whiskey, wench!"

The guys says meakly, "May I have a cup of coffee, please?"

The stewardess returns with a whiskey for the parrot, but no coffee. The guy says meakly again, "Ma'am, may I have a cup of coffee, please?"

The parrot exclaims, "SQUAWK!!!! Gawdammit, bring me another jigger, you cow!"

The stewardess returns, noticeably shaken, with another whiskey for the parrot, but again has forgotten the coffee. The guy notices the service the parrot is getting so he says, "Dammit you airhead, I told you to bring me a fuckin cup of coffee and I meant it."

Minutes later a burly first officer and engineer show up, grab the guy and the parrot, open the door, and throw them both out. On the way down the parrot looks over at the guy and says, "you sure are mouthy for someone who doesn't have wings."

[flvegan]

1. Ha!

How did they open the airliner door without the Hollywood-esque sucking of everything out the door after?

And what misogynist taught that parrot to speak so harshly?

The Norwegian Blue has such beautiful plumage.

[MajorChode]

2. It's actually quite impossible to open the door during flight anyway

Unless you have mythical Awwwnald strength of 20 normal men. Pressurization makes it quite impossible.

I do get a chuckle out of the passengers who beat crazies who try to open the door to a pulp. There's no way they are going to get it open anyway.

[Brother Buzz]

14. So, like, did D. B. Cooper just hide in the broom closet and pretend he jumped?

:shrug:

[MajorChode]

15. Cooper ordered the crew to leave the cabin unpressurized

...and to stay at 10K' MSL. The pressurization is set to about 10K so below that the pressure equalizes even if the cabin were pressurized. The 727 he jumped from also had a set of airstairs which almost no modern aircraft have and even the older ones that do have been modified not to open while in flight specifically because of Cooper.

[DarkTirade]

3. Had. Had such beautiful plumage.

Alas, he is no more. He has ceased to be. He is an ex-parrot.

[flvegan]

4. E's pinin for the fjords!

[MajorChode]

5. A guy brings his new girlfriend over to his house for the first time....

As soon has his pet parrot sees the new lady he shrieks, "SQUAWK!!!! The last one had bigger tits!"

Embarrassed, the guy apologizes for his foul mouthed parrot.

Soon the parrot yells out, "SQUAWK!!!! You'd better give him head lady, or he'll be jerking off to porn later."

His girlfriend promptly grabs her purse and leaves. Infuriated, he grabs the parrot in a fit of rage and throws him in the freezer. He hears the parrot squawking loudly and flapping around for a minute, but then suddenly goes stone quiet. Feeling bad for what he's done, the guy opens the freezer to let his pet out. The parrot comes marching out of the freezer, and calmly says, "I'm really sorry old chap for my bad behavior. I won't ever let it happen again. ... And by the by, just exactly what did the chicken do?"

[jobycom]

6. Took a sec, but worth it.

:rofl:

[alphafemale]

7. A woman buys a parrot at a petshop, during the purchase the store owner tells her...

...that the parrot used to be owned by a madam in a whorehouse and that the bird may use some colorful language. The bird was being sold for a very good price so she made the purchase.

When she got the bird home and walked in the door with him he looked around and said, "Nice place. Clean. SQUAWK! Good for business!"

A little while later the oldest daughter comes home from work.

The parrot says, "Nice place. Clean. Hot blond chick. Good for business! SQUAWK!"

Shortly after the next younger daughter comes home.

Quoth the parrot "Nice place. Clean. Sexy redhead! Good for business!"

Then a little while later the youngest daughter comes home along with two of her friends.

"Nice place! Clean! Lots of hot chicks. Nice tits! Good for business!"

Finally, the woman has had enough and drops a sheet over the cage hoping that will quiet the critter awhile.

A bit after this the woman's husband comes home. He nods at the covered cage.

"What's that?"

"Parrot. I'm probably taking him back though."

"Why?" he asked, approaching the cage and lifting the cover.

At that moment the parrot calls out "Hey, Joe! Howz it goin?"

[FloridaJudy]

8. So this little old lady

Buys a parrot. It's on sale because its previous owner was a notorious drunk and low-life who taught the bird every obscenity he could think of. The little old lady believes that with patience and by rewarding the bird for more acceptable language she can cure it of the cursing habit.

But the parrot is resistant.

One day after several dozen attempts to teach the parrot to say 'Pretty bird!' is still rewarded with a 'Fuck you, bitch!', the old lady finally loses it. She grabs the bird, and flings it into the freezer to get it to shut up. She then drinks a cup of tea, and relents. After all, the poor bird is just repeating what it's been taught, and probably has no idea that it's being offensive.

She opens the freezer door, and a subdued parrot steps out. 'I apologize for my intemperate language', he says 'and will endeavor to do better in the future'. The old woman is impressed.

'Just one thing...' the parrot continues. 'If I'm not being rude, may I ask a question? What exactly did the chicken do?'

eta: Damn. Someone already posted another version of this joke. I've got to learn to type faster!

[LisaL]

9. Now that's funny.

[Kali]

10. requisite bad behavior, punishment by owner

...parrot looks up at crucifix on wall - "psst psst Henry, hey Henry? What did you do?"

[MajorChode]

11. Father Flanagan was making his rounds one day....

When he dropped by to pay a visit to Mary. As soon as he comes in he notices a pair of parrots in the corner. They immediately perk up and one squawks, "Hey sailor, you looking for a date?"

Mary blushes and apologizes to Father Flanagan and says, "Oh my father, I just don't know what to do with them. Their names are Roxie and Trixie. My son used to keep them in his bar, but when it closed he had no room and gave them to me. I do think they are beautiful, but I try and try and I just can't seem to clean up their language. I'm afraid I'm going to have to give them away."

Father Flanagan says, "Don't worry, Mary. I have just the thing. I have two parrots myself named Joshua and Ezekiel. I've taught them many prayers and they spend all day long reciting them. I think they would be an excellent influence on yours. You are welcome to bring them by and after a week or so, I'll bet they will make the perfect companions for you."

Mary nods and agrees to bring them right over. As soon as Mary enters Father Flanagan's office she sees two parrots in a corner aviary each with a set of rosary beads reciting the Lord's prayer in perfect unison. Impressed, Mary takes Roxie and Trixie from their box and lets them loose inside the cage.

The birds all fly around nervously for a few minutes before finally settling down a bit. Roxie looks over at Joshua and Ezekiel, lets out a long whistle, and squawks, "Hey big boys, is that a roll of quarters in your pockets or are you just glad to see us?"

Trixie exclaims, "SQUAWK!!!! Let's all get nekkid and see what comes up!"

Joshua looks over and says, "Zeke, put away those beads, our prayers have been answered!"

[LisaL]

12. I don't get the chicken joke.

[FloridaJudy]

16. Probably because you don't keep frozen chicken in your freezer.

[MajorChode]

13. An unattractive woman walks by a pet shop one day....

When the parrot yells out, "SQUAWK!!!! You ugly!"

The woman flashes a huge frown and storms off mad down the street. The next day the same woman walks by and the parrot yells, "SQUAWK!!!! You so ugly they hang your picture up at the zoo to keep the monkeys from jacking off!"

The woman marches into the store, finds the owner, Luigi, and says, "If you don't do something about that parrot, I'm going to come back with my lawyer and sue you out of business."

After she leaves, Luigi goes over to the parrot and says, "Ifa you say onea more word about how ugly that woman is, Ima gonna make cachitori out of you."

The next day the woman walks by. The parrot yells out, "Hey lady!"

She looks over, "Yes?"

"You know."