About Mom, because I've gotten a couple of PMs asking.

[Lyric]

She's home, but her time is short. She's caught in an awful situation, and if there are any further options, we haven't been told about them...yet.

She had a heart attack--a mild one--a few weeks ago. They inserted a couple of stents to keep her coronary arteries open, and start her on the Plavix blood thinner she'll have to take for the rest of her life because of the stents. Without it, the stents will act as little collection poles for small blood clots, and they will eventually trap (or build) a larger one that WILL cause a massive heart attack and probably death.

Fast-forward a few days--she's bleeding internally, GI bleeding. They don't know why, but it is severe--enough that her blood pressure is barely high enough for her to survive. They stop all blood thinners and she spends a week in the hospital getting blood transfusions daily (several bags a day, plus extra platelets) while they do two endoscopies and a colonoscopy. During this time, they They find a ruptured blood vessel and repair it. They think the problem is solved.

Fast forward two days. She's bleeding again. They do yet another endoscopy and find yet another ruptured blood vessel there, plus a third one in her leg. She is diagnosed with a blood vessel disease--a disorder that causes progressive deterioration of all blood vessels as the patient ages. Her veins and arteries are examined more closely and found to have weak spots all over her body. She's told that she is permanently contraindicted from ever using a blood thinner again--not even aspirin or ibuprofen.

Fast forward four days. She's having shortness of breath. The cardiologists determine that without the Plavix blood thinner, the stents are causing blockages in her coronary arteries.

She is given a choice--avoid the blood thinners and die of a massive heart attack that WILL come at some point in the near future, or start taking them again and bleed to death as soon as one of those weak blood vessel spots gives way. She asks them to be direct with her, and he recommends starting the Plavix again, because "heart attacks hurt more and are more sudden than bleeding to death. With the latter, at least you won't be in too much pain, and you'll have more time."

She chose the latter. She's on the Plavix again. Right now, there is nothing we can do but wait. She's already calling funeral homes, and is making plans. I feel like it's happening too fast for me to process any of it yet. I'm angry and hurt that she seems to be giving up this easily. I'm also angry at her doctors--if the stents are the problem, why can't they either take them out or, if that isn't possible, do a bypass and replace those arteries completely, shutting them off so that no blood is passing through the stents anymore? I'm angry and suspicious that the reason this has not been suggested for her is because she doesn't have insurance.

She's supposed to be getting Medicaid ASAP. When she has that, maybe we'll hear more options than we are right now. I am upset at Social Security for being slow for a critical, near-death, OBVIOUSLY disabled patient who has NO income. She needs money for things, and I don't have it to give to her. I'm feeling an enormous amount of guilt for not being able to help her more. I'm terrified, because my Dad is already dead and I'm not sure how to exist in a world without Mom. I'm in agony for LyricKid--it's going to hurt him beyond belief when she's gone. He loves her fiercely, and spends every other weekend with her.

But most of all, I am (selfishly, and guiltily) upset because I am succeeding beyond my wildest dreams in college and as a writer. There is no longer any doubt that I'm going to get my MFA and fulfill my Mom's biggest wish in the world--that one of her kids gets out of the hell of poverty. My brother and sister will never do so, but I *WILL*, and now that she won't be there to see any of it, to enjoy it, to have all of her sacrifices and struggles and agonies justified and vindicated, I feel like none of it even MATTERS anymore.

I am not in a very good place, and it's probably best that next week is finals week. I don't know how much more stress and pain and grief I can take before I say Fuck It and drop out of school and give up.

So...yeah. There it is.

:grouphug:

:cry:

[lizziegrace]

1. You're in my thoughts and prayers

:hug:

I know you feel like giving up, but that's temporary. You've fought too hard and are too strong to do that.

I'm here if you need a shoulder.

Know that you're thought of and loved.

[LadyoftheRabbits]

2. I am so sorry

And I don't know what to say... it's such a horrible situation. But I will say that it *does* matter that you're accomplishing wonderful things for you and your family, and your mom must be so proud of you. Never doubt that, but I know with such stress it would be very easy to. :hug:

[BarenakedLady]

3. I'm so sorry

What a difficult place for you all to be.

:hug:

[Orrex]

4. I'm so sorry for your mother, for you, and your son!

There is nothing at all selfish about being proud of your achievements, especially while fulfilling your mother's wish.

I hope that your mother doesn't suffer unduly, just as I hope that your family comes through this sad time with as little difficulty as possible.

:hug:
:hug:
:hug:

[SeattleGirl]

5. I'm sorry, Lyric

What a sad situation.

I do agree with the others, though, that you ARE making your mom happy and proud.

Your anger is very understandable, even the anger you feel toward your mom. You want her to fight for her life, and you want her to have the tools (i.e. money, medical care) she needs to have that. I felt that anger when my mom was ill, because the doctors couldn't completely figure out how to help her. I was angry at the doctors, and I was angry at my mom, but really, I was angry at the illness that eventually cost her her life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, your mom, and LyricKid. :grouphug:

[Swede]

6. Tough road ahead Lyric.

Hang in there and keep the lounge posted.

[Nicole Lambeth]

7. Oh my god.

There are times when even saying sorry won't help. I'm heartbroken for you and your mother. Please know that a lot of us now have you both in our thoughts and prayers. Hang in there, and keep us updated. :grouphug: