Is an affair a symptom or the root cause of a bad marriage?

[absyntheNsugar]

Is it a sign that the marriage is already doomed?

Or is it a bomb which when detonated, destroys a perfectly good marriage?

[mopinko]

1. it is a symptom

of a person that is not committed to the marriage.

[opiate69]

2. Symptom....

In almost every case.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

3. Too broad of a question and there is no one answer

Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes one partner has a sexual addiction and may love the other person, but cannot be in control of their impulses.

Life is a bit too complex to always break down into black and white responses.

For that matter, is monogamy even natural?

[Exultant Democracy]

8. As always NSMA says what I think,

but in a lot smarter way. :yourock:

[opiate69]

9. not intended to spark flame fest... just a couple random thoughts

"Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes one partner has a sexual addiction and may love the other person, but cannot be in control of their impulses."
Still a symptom. In a case like this, the root cause would be not being able to see your potential spouse has a serious addiction. In other words, not truly knowing your potential partner

"Life is a bit too complex to always break down into black and white responses."
true, but, he was asking in general terms.

"For that matter, is monogamy even natural?"
Excellent question. I have given this a lot of thought, and I truly believe monogamy is not a natural human trait. While we like to think we engage in monogamy, what we really engage in would best be described as "serial monogamy".

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

10. OK not to NOT flame you back BUT

:D (and I really am playing with you but am serious)

Still a symptom. In a case like this, the root cause would be not being able to see your potential spouse has a serious addiction. In other words, not truly knowing your potential partner


That is true if you look at it only from the perspective of the "cheated ON." Besides, addictions and behavioral problems can be well hidden with only the slightest of hints until one's life is completely entangled with another's to the point that hiding becomes increasingly difficult.

Therefore, what I see you assigning cause to is the "not seeing" rather than the addiction.

true, but, he was asking in general terms.

true..but generalizing leads to generalization when the situation arises....I'd rather be confronted with that situation knowing there is more than one way of looking at it...an other way kills off alternatives that viewing something with a bit more complexity than reduction doesn't offer.

"serial monogamy"

I'm familiar with the term. DOn't know that I buy it or the studies bent on proving it true...but it is an interesting way of looking at it...(if you were me, right about here you'd say "one of many." :D )

[Fovea]

4. Generally its the chicken,

not the egg.

[otohara]

5. Could Be A Phase

midlife crisis - Prozac moment

[bubblesby2002]

6. It's a sign that the marriage could be doomed

I don't think you have an affair if you're in a really great marriage, but I think you can salvage a marriage after an affair. If both partners decide the marriage is worth the work, then you can work it out.

[SOteric]

7. I think that sort of depends on the people, -and the marriage.

I can too easily conceive of instances where it could be either, or both, or neither.

[BigMcLargehuge]

11. it's a symptom

but the core problem CAN be solved.

[vpigrad]

12. I'd say symptom since...

In every case I know where a man cheated, it was only after going many months or years without sex. The affair wasn't the cause.

I still blame the guys that cheat. My wife and I haven't had sex in years, but I still think it would be very wrong for me to look elsewhere since I gave my word. It's obvious that the word of those repugs is meaningless.

[KissMyAsscroft]

13. Yikes, man I would cheat!

Which is why my dumb ass isn't married!

[camero]

14. I would agree with that assessment

A promise is a promise. If it becomes where the person would think of cheating it might be best to divorce first.

Course that's just me. I would break off the relationship before going to another person. But kids would make this situation much more complex. Another reason not to cheat.

[populistmom]

15. People may be different, so I can only speak for myself...

I think it's a symptom, but it's probably even more complex especially if it isn't just about sex. For me, I wouldn't consider having sex with someone unless there was some strong emotions going on within myself and the other person, but other people are capable of seeing it more as a recreational type of thing. In my married life on a number occasions, I have had some pretty attractive men (at least on a physical level alone) express an interest in me and I had no more than a passing thought, but never even considered doing anything. I'm not going into an emotional attachment.

For me to consider not being faithful, it would mean I knew that my marriage was essentially over. I strongly prefer the emotional (as well as health) safety in monogamy. However though, no matter how much someone wants to justify something, if one couldn't tell the truth in regards to sleeping with someone, then one shouldn't be sleeping with them.

My life would be easier right now if I didn't have these values, but they're still a big part of me even if I have ever wanted to pretend like they're not.