Relationship questions

[alarimer]

My boyfriend and I broke up in March after being together over a year. He had asked me a few months after we started dating (maybe 2 months later) to move in with him when my lease was up. I told him I thought that was too soon, but apparently he took that to me I wasn't "all that into him" (which wasn't true). Well I also have intimacy and trust issues in addition to being fiercely independent, so those are big issues for him because he apparently needs to be in a couple.

Fast forward to today. We are seeing each other several times a week for movies, dinners, baseball games. He took me out for my birthday and he has invited me to go with him to meet his son when he returns from Iraq. And we are talking about going away together. But we are not sleeping together (which is probably on balance a good thing as I am not at all confident in that department) so I am not sure what we really are. I am trying to work on my issues; I am trying to line up a therapist (but I am procrastinating doing that for whatever reason). So I am not sure what we are really doing. We are something more than friends maybe but not quite boyfriend/girlfriend. I am not altogether clear what he really wants from me or if he is waiting for me to do something or make a decision.

Tonight I told him I was planning on moving out of my apartment (I hate this one- it is practically falling down around my ears). I have been renting month to month because I have been looking for a better job and will most likely have to move to get one. And I should mention that he is unhappy in his job and wants to either find another (there is one very good prospect in Houston) or go back to school for an MA in English and work part time here. So there is a great deal of uncertainty in our lives. Anyway, when I told him I wanted to move out of here, he (jokingly I think) said "But I was hoping you'd move in with me!" and he even suggested that we become roommates. Now I do not want to be roommates. If I am going to move in with him, I want it to be the real deal. But I am still not sure I am ready to do that.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

1. Sit back, and read your post out loud -

I've learned that that's a great way to see things that you might not see when you're thinking about them. Vocalizing makes it all quite different.

A year of dating, and you're not sleeping together?

You're friends.

You said "you want it to be the real deal," but you seem to be putting off everything - the apartment, the therapist, and, maybe even the job - although you certainly didn't say that. I'm gleaning, so if I'm wrap, slap me.

You're not in love - maybe you love him - and there's nothing wrong with good friends being roommates. He quit being your "boyfriend" in March, and you're OK with how it's been since then?

If you're not sleeping together, and you're still seeing each other, how did "breaking up" change anything?

This is a really, really interesting post, but I do hope it works out for you. Sometimes it's just so hard to overcome that inertia, and being frozen with anxiety/fear/laziness/whatever is no way to live. Just makes you goofy. That unknown is so hard to face, but, ultimately, you'll find there's nothing scary there.

Do you like him? There's nothing in your post to indicate that this man is in any way special to you. I guess that says something, doesn't it?

Again, good luck................

[alarimer]

3. Sorry if it wasn't clear but I do love him.

He is a very special person to me. I have never met anyone more decent and caring. I love him and believe he loves me.

I think we are just taking things slowly right now. I just can't deal with sex right now. I can't really talk about my issues in that department here. Those issues have always been present and are almost certainly tied in with my confidence issues.

[Fleshdancer]

2. Have you told him you want to "be the real deal"?

It sounds like the two of you are dating exclusively and he wants to start introducing you to family (his son). Is this not "boyfriend and girlfriend"?

He seems like a very patient and understanding guy that you enjoy spending time with. He has already asked you to move in with him before so his "joke" about you moving in now and being "roommates" is probably his way of letting you know that the option is still open without making you feel pressured.

Unless you're leaving a lot out of this story, he sounds like one of the good guys. Whatever you choose, I hope you find happiness.

[alarimer]

4. I do believe he is a good guy.

Neither of us is seeing anyone else.

I will tell him tomorrow that when we move in together that I want it to be the real deal.

I need to get going on some of this other stuff. I am a bit of a procrastinator it seems.

[Fleshdancer]

5. lol, welcome to the club

I'm a HUGE procrastinator.

Good luck tomorrow. I bet he'll be happy. :)

[petronius]

6. I suspect he wasn't joking, and he wants it to be the real deal

However, he's waiting for you to make a move as he feels hurt/unsure over what he perceived as rejection, and he really hasn't got the faintest idea of what you mean by "intimacy and trust issues in addition to being fiercely independent."

My advice (which is worth exactly what you paid for it) is to sit him down and say what you said in this post - uncertainty and all - and since he's a guy you should use much smaller words and make it far simpler than you think you need to...

[Haole Girl]

7. I'm not the best one to give relationship advice, but I know one thing:

If you are not ready you are not ready.

Don't let him push you into something you don't feel ready for.

I wish you well. :hug: