Would you be annoyed at this?

[grace0418]

My husband's sister invited us to my niece's 8th grade graduation party tomorrow evening. It's out in the burbs, a hellish drive on a Friday afternoon in the summer but whatevs. When we first got an invitation for the party, my husband was disappointed because he had made plans for that evening with a friend. I offered to go alone so he could still do his thing, which I thought was pretty nice considering he has never once gone to anything for my side of the family without me. Like ever, and we've been together for 20 years.

Over dinner tonight I asked him what the plan was for tomorrow. That's when he told me he was going to a concert at the theater near our house. And the musician is someone I would've really enjoyed seeing, in fact we've seen her a few times. He never mentioned that she was playing. I mean, I get that he wants to hang out with his friend and do things without me (I feel the same way), but I feel kinda slighted that he didn't mention the show he was seeing.

When I said "Aw, I wish I would've known she was playing" he shrugged and said "she's not playing any new material" like that was supposed to make it not worth mentioning to me.

I don't know. On one hand, I offered to go to this party so he could hang with his friend. So part of me feels like I have no right to be annoyed. But part of me feels like it was sorta asshatty to conveniently fail to mention that he was doing something that I would've enjoyed doing as well. Especially when I'm covering for him with his family (his family is *very* big on obligatory family gatherings).

What do you think lounge? Should I just let it go?

[bigwillq]

1. Did you ask what his plans were

when he told you he had plans? :shrug:

[grace0418]

4. Yeah, I did as I recall. I can't remember what he told me he was doing exactly, but

I know he didn't mention anything about this musician playing. I would've remembered that. I seem to recall his answer being vague like "I'm supposed to do something with X that night"

[bigwillq]

5. At this point

I would let it go. But he owes you big time! :)

[grace0418]

9. Okay, then. Should I mention that?

Or just spring something him on him sometime in the future? :)

[madeline_con]

16. Maybe he didn't know about the concert at that point?

I know exactly what you mean about your on the one hand/on the other hand dilemna. I do a lot of stuff like that myself. I think I undertsand, correct me if I'm wrong. You feel like he's being a little disloyal by doing something cool instead of having a mundane night with his friend? That's how I'd feel, even though I know it's silly,m and I'd already agreed that going alone was cool. :shrug:

[grace0418]

17. It's not that he has to do something mundane,

but there are plenty of fun things he could do with his friend that wouldn't bother me because I could do them at another time. Like going to a movie or to a favorite restaurant or museum. But a concert is a bit different. This musician only comes around once in awhile and I really enjoy seeing her. If I had seen that she was coming to town, I wouldn't have kept it a secret from him so I could go with someone else. I would've scheduled my private time with my friend another day. And I sure as hell wouldn't have let him agree to cover for me at a family graduation party while I had an awesome night out seeing a musician we both like.

[JANdad]

2. What comes around....

Well you know the rest

[grace0418]

7. I thought about saying something like "Okay, well next time Neil Finn or David Sedaris is

in town and it coincides with something for my family, I'm going to go and you can head out to the burbs and cover for me." Like that would ever happen. I can barely get him to come *with* me to social things with my family or friends. He magically manages to not feel well or have to work 80% of the time. :eyes:

[JANdad]

8. Go with him to your next family event

and then leave him hanging while you make a run for it...

[grace0418]

10. LOL! Good idea.

I'll strand him out at my brother's house in the boonies.

[rurallib]

3. It'll pass. Soon all will be forgotten.

[grace0418]

12. Thanks rurallib. You're right.

Marriage involves a lot of forgetting the little things I suppose.

[Madrone]

6. You are right on both counts.

On one hand, I offered to go to this party so he could hang with his friend. So part of me feels like I have no right to be annoyed. But part of me feels like it was sorta asshatty to conveniently fail to mention that he was doing something that I would've enjoyed doing as well. Especially when I'm covering for him with his family (his family is *very* big on obligatory family gatherings).


Should you let it go? Is he an otherwise respectful and thoughtful husband? If so then yes, you should let it go. You're still entitled to stew for a bit while you get over it though. ;)

[grace0418]

11. Good answer.

I'm getting a good laugh out of these answers while I stew.

For the most part he's respectful and thoughtful. Though he has a big of a social anxiety problem that makes it really hard for me to make plans with friends and family or invite people over. There's always a lot of planning and discussion to convince him to attend something with me because well over half the time he ends up getting sick or having to work quite conveniently the day of the event. Then I get stuck making excuses for his rudeness at canceling at the last minute. For the most part I've stopped making excuses and telling people in advance that I'll invite him but to probably expect just me. It's a big sore spot for us. I guess that's why I'm a bit more annoyed than usual at having to go to HIS family event in the burbs while he's doing something fun.

[Madrone]

13. I'd be annoyed too.

But hey, now he owes you. And I'd be reeeeeeeeeeal creative when thinking up the payback. :D

[grace0418]

14. Hmmm...

I'll have to think of something gooooood.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

15. I understand why you feel the way you do...

He could have told you what he was planning to do. On the other hand, does his having a night out require that he do something you wouldn't enjoy?

If it makes you feel better, next time you have a girls' night out, you could do something he'd really enjoy. Just make sure it's something you like too. You might want to pass on Hooter's. :hi:

[grace0418]

19. LOL! Hooters would give him hives, he has enough social anxiety without scantily clad

women serving him buffalo wings.

No, he doesn't have to do something I wouldn't enjoy. Although I do try to avoid seeing movies that I know he wants to see if I'm going without him, just out of courtesy. Like I said upthread, a concert feels different to me. That's a very specific event that I can't just go to another time. This musician only comes around every few years. If the shoe were on the other foot I would feel terrible allowing him to attend something on my behalf when I knew the event I was attending was something he would really enjoy and couldn't do another time. I'm surprised he isn't showing me the same courtesy, I guess. It doesn't seem very thoughtful. I mean, it's too late now, the show is sold out and I already RSVP'd to his niece's party, so I guess I should just get over it. But it ticks me off, I can't help it.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

18. You can let it go or not,

but your talk about his "social anxiety," and how he backs out of things at the last minute, suggests that he's played you with this.

He made plans to go see someone he knows you really like and he didn't tell you. That's not an oversight, if he knows you're a fan, and his comment about her "not doing any new material" is bogus - he knows her set list already? Really?

I'd be upset about it, when I put it in context with the other dropping-outs, and the idea that you're stuck with that hot Friday rush hour drive to go to something you really don't even want to go to, and it being his family, not yours, makes it all the more upsetting. No wonder you posted here. It's complicated and distressing.

Marriage is a lot of forgiving and compromising and letting things go, but this seems just plain selfish and mean to me.

But, I'm Italian, and we tend not to let things go.

I'll tell you one thing, though - I wouldn't go to the graduation party, and if anyone asked, I'd say that my husband had other plans - which is true, isn't it?

heh heh heh

[grace0418]

20. Well, the grad party is at a restaurant with a head count so I will attend. It's not fair

to his sister (whom I like very much). I enjoy hanging out with his family, but these big events aren't usually very fun because there are too many people and it's too loud to really talk. And yeah, the drive out there is going to be a nightmare.

You know, I do feel sorta played, maybe that's it. He was vague about his plans back when I offered to go to the party, but I'm guessing he knew already what he was doing and I wouldn't have been invited even if there wasn't a scheduling conflict. And if he'd just been honest I would've been fine with it. After all, I could've gone and sat somewhere else with a friend of mine. But the fact that he kept it from me and THEN agreed to let me cover for him with his family is pretty damn selfish.

Well, we're both supposed to attend ANOTHER grad party for his family on Saturday night, and I think I may have to suddenly start feeling very ill on Saturday morning. He can be the one covering for me for once. grrrr...

[Tangerine LaBamba]

21. Oh, you can't skip it,

not with a restaurant deal.

But, I would make sure to follow the concerts/bookings in your area so that you're not going to miss someone you really like. Yeah, he played you, for sure. And now you know that you have to take care of that stuff yourself. Is the artist appearing on Saturday night, and can you get yourself tickets? That would be perfect.

Revenge is a dish best eaten cold, and when the time comes, you'll know exactly what to do.

Good luck, honey..................................

[grace0418]

22. Thanks Tangerine.

It's a disappointing realization.

[Tangerine LaBamba]

23. That's a good definition of marriage -

or friendship or partnership or any relationship in which we're joined, for whatever reasons, with another human being.

We just have to measure what is and isn't acceptable. It's always a series of negotiations.

Can you sit down and talk with him about it? Not in an angry or hurt way, but in a straightforward way, letting him know - without saying so - that you're real clear on what he did (because if you say you figured him out, he'll deny it and get all defensive), and you're not happy about how he handled it.

Maybe he's not aware that this kind of stuff is hurtful to you. Sometimes the people closest to us are the most oblivious to who we really are.

You're fine, and it'll be fine. Just have fun and EAT LOTS tomorrow evening. And good luck, again ........................

[grace0418]

26. I think I have to talk to him about it. I think I'll just say, straight up, that if he'd told

me upfront I would've been fine with it. But it hurt to find out later that he was keeping an important detail from me while agreeing to let me cover for him at his family's party. He can be very oblivious about his behavior at times. We're both the babies of our families, which I've read is a terrible marriage combination. :)

It will be fine. Thank you again for talking me through it. :hug:

[Tangerine LaBamba]

27. It WILL be fine,

because you're reaching out with love, and a lot of understanding.

Glad I could help. I'll be thinking of you ................... :hug:

[Quantess]

24. At this point, make the best of it. Do your best to shine at this event.

Don't even think about your husband and his pal while they are at their own sausage-fest. Meanwhile, YOU are the social butterfly.

And yes, as was suggested, go out on a ladies night. Go do things with your friends, without him. He will (should) understand.

[grace0418]

25. Thanks Quantess.

I will have fun with his sister and her husband. They're great. Maybe he'll start to feel guilty (he was raised Catholic after all) and do something really nice for me. :)