What do you say to an old person who says something racist.

[ccharles000]

I love my grandma and she did like Obama a lot more than McCain but sometimes she says things that are racist. Today she was watching gospel music and there was a black person singing and she said "I like when the old black people sing christian songs but when those young ones sing I can't understand what they are saying"(I think she was talking about rap). And she likes Michelle Obama and I think she thought she was being nice when she said "she is nice looking for a black woman". I told her that was a bad thing to say but I don't want to say to much because you are not suppose to argue with your grandma.

ps:she is a really good person but stuck in her ways.

[Bucky]

1. To me it seems patronizing to not disagree or argue with someone cause of their demographics

If someone says something racist in your presence and you dispute them, it's because you (1) disagree with their ideas and (2) respect them enough as a person to believe they should (and are capable) of holding more enlightened ideas. If you hold your tongue around someone cause they're old, then either you've quit finding their idea disagreeable or you have chosen to hold their potential as a human being in less respect.

I mean, you oughta be gentle & deferential with your elders, of course, but if you respect their minds you'll argue against their bad ideas. Failing to do so seems inherently disrespectful.

[vadawg]

2. not sure what exactly you are getting at here,

seems she said she likes when old black people sing gospel but hates young black people singing rap, though i would say the comment that she is nice looking for a black women could be racist dependant on the context, you got to remember buddy not everything in the world is black or white, what you might think is racist or bigoted may be just a turn of phrase or a carryover from youth and the person isnt racist at all, or mayby they just hate everyone equally regardless of race...

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

3. There's not much you can do -- it's unlikely anything you say

will change her mind. Chances are she's set in her beliefs and at her age will not change them. You either ignore her remarks altogether or, at most, express your disagreement in a very non-confrontational way. My dad, who is 90, occasionally says some things that make me cringe a bit, but I can't see any reason to argue with him. The most I do any more is just sigh and say, "Oh, Dad..." He knows I don't agree but I don't give him any basis for an argument. He can be kind of ornery and I don't want to get him going. Your grandma might be the same way.

[LeftyMom]

4. It sounds like she's being a bit thoughtless, not mean spirited.

Probably the best thing you can do is try to gently explain what the problem is, if you're sure there is one, or ask questions if you're not entirely sure you understand, such as with the music comment. But it's up to you to know when to choose your battles.

I know with my Grandmother she said something once that struck me as fairly anti-Semetic in an unintended way- it was when that "James, Brother of Jesus" ossuary came out, and she said something about how those stubborn Jews might finally convert or something to that effect. I didn't make a big deal out of it because I knew that she wasn't actually anti-Semetic, because her first husband was Jewish (presumably not terribly observant considering he married a Southern Baptist) and was probably working out her own issues with his having died a non-Christian rather than saying something deliberately offensive. I'm sharing that story to suggest that you know your grandmother and her intentions best, and to trust your own judgment on when to say something and when not to.

[Richardo]

5. To me there's a difference between malicious racism and your grandmother

She's shown that her heart and mind are in the right place and she may just not be able to communicate about race due to her age and/or upbringing. Berating her for what she probably sincerely thinks is a compliment (nice looking for a black woman) is probably not worth the effort and will likely not change anything, except make her wonder why you're picking at everything she says.

My mother-in-law is as liberal as they come but, at 78, she throws racial dialect into stories she tells about people at her job, etc. To my ears it's patronizing and offensive but I know in her heart of hearts she doesn't mean to be insulting. I let it go.

[ccharles000]

6. I agree I don't think she is being mean.

And when I do tell it is wrong I try to be as nice as possible.

[WildEyedLiberal]

23. My grandmother does that too

If someone isn't white she'll add their race as an adjective, and she still uses the archaic terminology she grew up with. "That nice Oriental lady," "that nice colored man" - you get the gist. She's a die-hard Democrat, she's always been pro-Civil rights, and she loves Obama, but she grew up in the 30s in small town USA and doesn't realize that we don't call people "Oriental" or "colored" anymore. It makes us all cringe, but she's 83 and the most stubborn person I know, so what would telling her that she's not being politically correct accomplish? She's not "racist" by any definition of the word - just sort of sheltered and very old-fashioned. There are times when people need to just let things lie and accept that these ways of speaking and thinking will be gone in ten or twenty years anyway.

[Chan790]

7. Interesting that you mention this...

I was just having a conversation with my roommate Fitz about my grandpa and the truly offensive things he used to say completely innocuously and the problems it caused...i.e. the day he informed the Mayor of Hartford that she was the only black person he ever voted for...except that he didn't call her black (He used an archaic and slightly-offensive term instead.)...and he thought that was a complement.

You lightly correct the poor choice of words and move on...you can't dwell on it, they're either going to change or they're not. It's not PC but it's really the truth...you can try to get them to stop saying unintentionally racist things...but you can't really change them if they're not going to change.

[Moondog]

8. Who did she vote for? Actions can speak louder than words, particularly

with older folks.

[ccharles000]

9. she has never voted.

She just said she liked Obama more.

[Moondog]

10. Well, I guess you have to content yourself with the belief that she means well.

[Karl Heinrich]

11. I have an elderly uncle who is quite racist.

I try to avoid him and the subject, but if he drops an "N" bomb or the like, I call him on it. I tell him he should know better at his age, that we are all equal and that his racism just shows his own ignorance.

Harder to do with your grandmother.

[struggle4progress]

12. Depends on context. If someone says something that could be interpreted as racist

(or is racist) in front of someone who would take the remark personally, my first concern would be somehow letting the offended person know I didn't feel thar way: it might be a direct rebuke to the speaker, or a more gentle "I know you didn't mean that the way it sounded," or an immediate invitation to the offended party "Let's get out of here," or some other reaction, depending on my assessment of the situation

If there's no immediately offended participant in the conversation, I may take a different tack:

The father of a friend of mine once told a couple of us a racist joke he thought was funny; I stared off vaguely towards the distant horizon, neither of us laughed, and as soon as he was done, I changed the subject. He got the message, was obviously embarrassed, and never told me another joke like that

My grandmother, now long gone, once asked me with great anxiety whether I would consider marrying a black woman. I think she wanted a definite "No!" for an answer -- but what she actually got was a misty-eyed rhapsody from me about how wonderful I thought some black women were, followed by a my thoughtful "Y'know, grammaw, when I decide to marry somebody, it'll be because I love that person, and then I can't imagine her skin color would matter at all." Surprisingly, perhaps, she found this an entirely acceptable answer

If somebody told me, "Michelle Obama is nice looking for a black woman," my natural reaction would be: "She's gorgeous!"

[asdjrocky]

13. It took me forever to get my mom to stop saying-

"He's good looking for a black man." She was a good woman who meant nothing by it and just came from a very different time. My black friends would always say, "Bless her heart."

[NJmaverick]

14. Most of the time I let it pass

The odds of changing them at this point in their lives is slim. Plus they came from an different era. Often they will say things that are now judged as racists, while not even having any racist motives in their choice of words.

[HopeHoops]

15. It is best to ignore the comment and continue the conversation as if nothing had been said.

You aren't going to change such long-held opinions with rational discourse. Only a strong personal experience can achieve that.

[LeftyFingerPop]

16. Well, if that old person happens to be a DUer...

You swarm on that person like flies on shit and run them out of here on a fucking rail...because everything is black and white in DU land.

However, in real life, you take it with a grain of salt, maybe gently correct them, and move on.

[Orsino]

17. If she's sharp enough for a deep conversation...

...you could let on, gently, how her words hurt you.

[Deep13]

18. Is that REALLY racist?

Is musical taste racist? I don't like rap either. I have no animosity against those who do, I just don't find it appealing. Or are we going to pretend that rap music has nothing to do with race? What about Black church choir music? Are we supposed to pretend it is the same as pasty, bland, boring white church music? There's no malice there.

Most people think that people who look like themselves are the most attractive. So why is it wrong to say so? Is she supposed to pretend she doesn't feel the way she does?

The whole anti-racism thing is about treating each other with equality and respect. It is NOT about pretending we don't notice race or making sure we only use the approved magic words. Anytime you insist that a person's words do not match her thoughts, all you are doing is encouraging dishonesty.

[RidinMyDonkey]

19. My grandmother is the same way

It's not like she hates black people, but sometimes she says things that could easily be considered racist. I tend to brush it off and seethe quietly to myself. We went somewhere one day and she said to a black man in response to his age (He was in his 40s) "Oh, you look so young though. I can never tell with people of your culture." It's was so weird, because she didn't mean for it to sound as racist as it came out.

Luckily, he was a very nice man, and he must have sensed my embarrassment because he winked at me and laughed it off. After that was over, I asked her very politely if she would refrain from saying things like that in front of me, and especially in front of my child. So now, we pretty much have an understanding, where she can say what she likes, as long as she doesn't expose me or my children to it.

[Rabrrrrrr]

20. Since it's grandmother, you can say "Grandmother, it's 2009 - we don't say that any more."

[guitar man]

21. that's pretty mild

compared to what comes out of the mouths of some of the older folks in my family.

[RobinA]

22. You Keep Quiet

Your grandmother was raised a certain way and you aren't going to change her. She's not running for office or riding around in a white sheet. When you are 90 you will have some pretty odd ideas too. Keeping quiet when someone expresses an opinion is not "patronizing."

[DeepBlueC]

28. It's diplomatic, even polite

You don't have to agree but it's best to let it slide.

[rcrush]

24. All the old people in my family are racist

Your grandma seems fine to me.

[Javaman]

25. I work with an old bastard...

during the election, he comes over to me and tells me to go to such and such a site on the net. Knowing full well that this guy is a jerk, I ask why? He says, "oh a democratic friend of mine says it's a N-word joke site about the Obama", he chuckles that racist chuckle. I look at the asshole, and I say, "first, never ever use that word in my presence, second, you ever say that crap to me again, I WILL get your ass fired", he backed off and said, "it was a Democrat...", I cut him off, "oh bullshit! that garbage may work with your moron cronies but not with me, not get out of my site before I get the boss". He vanished in a puff of smoke.

The guy knows I have his number and has avoided me ever since.

[Tikki]

26. "Grandma, when I am your age....

I won't be talking that way...I guess it all ends with you."




Tikki

[Parche]

27. you slap the hell out of them

:rofl: :hi: :hug: :loveya: