Clean jokes. A bit hokey.

[UTUSN]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'


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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


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Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[HopeHoops]

1. Those are FUNNY!

I normally don't like "Polish jokes", but I've known some people with "buy a vowel" names.

[Bertha Venation]

2. I like the one about the eggs.

Mrs. V., you are NOTHING like that, so don't worry. :loveya:

[Aristus]

3. My brother specializes in writing clean limericks that sound like they're going to be dirty.

My family's favorite:

There once was an alien from Venus
Who looked through his scope and he seen us
He got out his ray
And he shot it this way
And it landed right in between us.

B-)

[BOSSHOG]

4. A guy lost his left side, but he's all right now

A guy walks into his favorite restaurant Christmas morning and orders eggs benedict. The server came back with a large tray. The customer asks what's that. The server says there's no plate like chrome for the hollondaise.

A Doctor goes into his favorite bar and orders his favorite drink, a Hazelnut Daiquiri. The bartender didn't have it so he tried to pass something else to the Doc. The Doc said this isn't Hazelnut Daiquiri. The bartender said, its a Hickory Daiquiri Doc!

What do you call a Doctor who comes in last in his class? Doctor!

Should I go on?

[Wapsie B]

5. Bookmarking.

Great stuff!

:rofl:

[krispos42]

6. That last one took a couple of minutes to get!

:rofl: