Something's on my mind (and it doesn't involve french fries)...

[Writer]

Has anyone gotten into a confrontation with a professor? I had a rather terse exchange with one of my professors - who is otherwise very nice - last week and it has been bothering me. To set the scene: We were engaged in a group discussion about a social theorist. Heady stuff. From my perspective, it appeared that my professor asked us a question. No one answered, so I took a stab at it. After finishing my explanation, she (and again this is from my perspective) peered at me with a rather penetrating look and said that I didn't answer her question. Her reaction to me caught me off guard, if anything because of its tone, and I answered back (rather defensively) "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to not answer your question."

I was very angry for the rest of the class. I didn't say anything else, but I'm sure my feelings showed on my face. I felt belittled. I also could tell that I was being judged by a few of my fellow classmates, but that's their issue, I think. I kept wondering if there was anything that I could have done differently, but I am a junior colleague to these profs (as all the docs are) and I felt that she had crossed a line.

When I went home I thought about it a lot. I checked in with a friend in class who said that she didn't think that my professor was acting any differently toward me, so I questioned whether my view of the situation was realistic; however, something about the exchange made me defensive. Otherwise, why would I have reacted as I did? It's one of the problems of being a child of a narcissist - you can never quite tell if what you're perceiving is reality.

So, yes, I am posting this to gauge other folks' opinions on this. And I'm expecting those one or two who will be especially harsh. Maybe some of you were also children of narcissists and can lend some perspective? This is one of those weird little incidents that I have to step-back and wonder whether I'm really on this planet or dwelling within my own mental construct.

[Ptah]

1. Did you try again to answer her question?

[Writer]

2. She didn't give me a chance.

She just turned and addressed the class.

[petronius]

3. It sounds like she was trying to make a point, or stimulate further comments,

and did it clumsily. I wouldn't think anything of it, unless there is further oddity.

I know I've hit the wrong tone with students before: harsh when it should be gentle, gentle when it should be harsh, jokey when it isn't funny, etc. Professors are (usually) expersts in their topics, but the degree of communication and interpersonal skills varies widely...

[Writer]

5. That's an interesting perspective, thanks.

Profs are human, of course. :)

[petronius]

7. Weeellll, lets not be hasty

"Human" might be a stretch... :)

[Writer]

8. Don't tell me you're getting metaphysical on me!

Profs are otherworldly, mayhaps godly. :)

[petronius]

9. Well yeah, that's what I meant

"Human" would be a stretch in the downward direction... ;)

Personally, the word I prefer is ethereal!

[rug]

4. Now, this is emotional abuse.

[cwydro]

6. ...

:spank:

[mitchum]

10. Yes, I backed him up against the wall and called him a "pretentious sheepfucking bastard"

I made an A

[Writer]

14. Wow. You have some chutzpah.

I most admire you... unfortunately that's not how I roll. I'm all matronly when I get mad.

[frogmarch]

11. Maybe you should have replied,

"Then perhaps you should have phrased your question more clearly. What am I, a mind reader?"

On second thought, I suppose that wouldn't have been a good idea, but if I'd been in that situation, I would have said that, or something like it.

I had a confrontation once with a geology professor of mine. He was always calling on me to answer questions he posed in class. Once, when he called on me to answer the question he'd asked, I gave an answer he disagreed with. He turned red in the face and shouted, stomping his foot, "You can't SAY that!" I replied, "Well, I just did. Next time, if that's how you want to play it, give me the answer you want before you ask me the question."

[Writer]

16. Yeah, I know that feeling.

I've had professors snap at me before, and when this happened I looked at them squarely in the eye. In my mind I'm thinking, "I'm an adult, too. How about some respect?"

[madeline_con]

12. The look in the eyesd was probably sorse than the words.

That's my guess. That could be why the person you talked to didn't perceive it the same way you did. :shrug:

[Writer]

17. That could likely be it. n/t

[NNadir]

13. I am not the child of a narcissist, but even better than that: an actual narcissist myself.

Here's what I think: An intellectual life is one involving rolling with the punches and learning to defend your ideas.

It's nothing. If this is the worst that happens to you in your intellectual career, you will be fortunate indeed.

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

The only advice I have is to keep speaking, keep advancing your ideas, and learn what you can from doing so.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

15. as a child of two narcissists, I would say that this is pretty good advice.

and a question for writer: what has transpired between you and this Prof since that encounter?

[Writer]

19. Hey TA,

We had class today, and we were cordial to each other. As I said in my OP, she is a very nice person usually, but this particular encounter left an impression.

I hope you're doing well.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

20. Hey Writer,

I am fine. Thanks for asking.

As for the encounter, I think I would blow it off. I think, maybe, as children of narcissists we are prone to over analyze and try to figure out how to please people.

Maybe at the time she meant something (maybe not)

I do think that if there were a bigger issue you would have known about it by now.


on edit: by "blow it off" I mean: don't sweat it anymore.

[NNadir]

21. Is it not narcissistic to talk about the matter of being the child of narcissitic parents?

I don't want my kids to talk about their problems because I was their father.

I'd rather they just talk about me without interposing subject matters about themselves.

;)

[Tuesday Afternoon]

23. possibly.

but, it is neurotic to drive one's self so crazy that they come to an anonymous message board for advice and (I could be wrong) I think that narcissists tend to produce neurotic children.

Not that they give a shit. ;)

[Writer]

18. I definitely roll with the punches, but there will always be a nagging self-doubt.

I admire you for taking responsibility for your narcissism. So there's a little narcissistic supply for you. ;-)

[bananas]

24. Were you diagnosed by a professional?

[datasuspect]

26. clowns go to college

i guess that makes them professionals too

[merh]

22. I used to get into with my professors (and teachers) all of the time.

They may be more educated than I am but that doesn't make them more intelligent. I resented it if they belittled the class. Often, if they went off on us for not making the grades they expected on a test, I'd point out that sense it appeared it was a group failure, that all of the class did poorly, then perhaps it wasn't the class' failure, but the professor's/teacher's inability to properly teach the subject.

Yeah, I was a real pain.

But the funny thing is, every one I ever got into it with would rethink their position and would stop belittling the class. I also remained close to them for many years after leaving their classrooms.

:shrug:

[datasuspect]

25. if people don't agree with me, i just browbeat them

if that doesn't work, i invite them to "the gun show"

[Tuesday Afternoon]

27. the gun show...

I just snorted coffee on the keyboard.