I just got off the phone with my best friend, and I am coming to you for feedback.

[BeachBaby]

Okay. She's been divorced for almost 4 years, and about two years ago, she met this guy - who, for all intents and purposes, is hard-working and has an overall positive attitude. In those respects, he's very good for her. He's also very good with her kids, which is always a plus.

Anyway....so we're on the phone tonight, and she lays this one on me: She and the boyfriend get along very well, they're discussing a future together, but there's one thing that just eats away at her (and up until tonight, I had no idea that this problem existed).....

He frequently makes remarks about other women - "wow, look at those legs" "She's smokin' hot", etc.

It bothers her, and she's told him. He says that his comments mean nothing. But he keeps doing it. I suppose that he thinks she'll just get over it, or get used to it, or something. I dunno.

All of that to say, I can't say that I would be thrilled to have a boyfriend/partner like that - but maybe we're both in the minority on this.

So I guess I'm asking you all....how would you handle this? Do you think he's being rude? Do you think she's too sensitive? I've never had that happen to me before, so I really don't know what advice to give her, if there is any.

TIA. :)

[bullwinkle428]

1. Sounds like a pretty shitty behavior to me...I can only say that I would

never do such a thing to any woman that I was involved with.

[GOPisEvil]

2. If my SO told me that something I did irritated her, and I kept doing it,

I would be an asshole.

Now, having said that, tweaking your SO playfully with something she or he doesn't like is one thing. But to continually do something known to be an irritant shows a certain lack of respect.

[Chan790]

3. There are things about any potential life partner that no matter how much we'd like to change...

are simply the way they are and are not going to change. You either decide to accept them or you move on. That's what true love is IMO: perfect acceptance of an imperfect person.

[MajorChode]

10. +1

[vadawg]

12. +1

[Arugula Latte]

4. I had a boyfriend like that.

He would say things like that and openly ogle other women in front of me. It was all part of his immature/insecure personality. I told him it bothered me and yet the behavior continued -- a solid sign of disrespect and lack of consideration for your partner. Thank goodness I dumped his ass (after wasting two years with him and his other problems such as anger issues, etc.)

To me it is a HUGE red flag.

[Zomby Woof]

5. 2 problems

1. His maturity. The ogling and comments are typical for many younger guys, especially around other guys. But to do it in front of her is immature on two levels - the level where he feels to the need to ogle and comment out loud, and the other level where he disrespects her discomfort with those comments. Even the most secure person does not like to listen to their SO ogle others in an objectifying way. (Saying another woman is attractive, or some other positive attribute is not automatically wrong or in poor taste - it's the tone, the lingo, etc. Iam speaking of here: "smokin' hot"?)

2. Disrespectful. This grows out of problem #1 as outlined above. But it WILL manifest itself in other areas beyond this specific circumstance. A disrespectul partner does not isolate their disrespect into one area. If they progress into a higher level of commitment - living together or even marriage - it will surface in other areas, guaranteed.


It is good that she has conveyed her discomfort. That would be anyone's first suggestion.

Since he has not respected her wishes, she needs to bring down the hammer. Only 2 results will solve this problem: He quits doing that, or they break it off. Obviously, for her happiness I prefer the former, but for her self-respect, the latter may be necessary if he does not respect her wishes.

[flvegan]

6. I am SOO glad I don't do that.

:hide:

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

7. She should use the pre-emptive strike:

If they are out together and an attractive woman appears, she should nudge the boyfriend, point to the woman and say something like, "How about that one? Isn't she hot? Great ass!" She should do this EVERY TIME she thinks boyfriend is scoping out some other woman. Reverse psychology. I've heard this can work -- takes the wind out of the guy's sails and makes him feel kind of silly.

[Odin2005]

8. That BF sounds like an asshole.

I might think a woman is attractive, but I would NEVER make such a comment.

[omega minimo]

9. For two years she's put up with this and not told her best friend... she needs help with self esteem

enough to kick his arrogant ass on down the road.

[jobycom]

11. Could be a couple things, and only she would know.

One, it could be a power play. He's just doing it because she tells him to stop. It's his way of staking his claim to an identity separate from her. That's a good thing, though maybe an annoying way to do it.

Two, he's laying the groundwork for more. She could catch him cheating, and he would argue it's just who he is, she should have seen the signs... sort of a way to keep her backpedaling on her expectations.

Three, it could be a sign from him that he doesn't want a committment, or it could be the leftover habit of that sign. If he got into this not wanting a permanent relationship, that could have been his way of keeping a distance and reminding her of who he is. Now it could be just a habit he hasn't stopped, or it could be that he still doesn't want a committment and is sabotaging it, or it could be that it's become my second point--since she put up with it, he figures she'll put up with it forevermore.

Four, it's just a stage he's in, and he'll grow out of it.

Five, it could be him trying to be honest, as in "Yeah, see, I like looking, but it means nothing, and to prove it, I'm sharing that part of me with you." I'm a little like that, actually. If I don't say what I'm thinking, I feel like I'm being dishonest by hiding it.

Probably more options, but it basically boils down to this: look for warning signs that he's not really committing or that he wants to play around after marriage, and if there aren't any of those, consider it a personality quirk or a sign of individuality. They will both do things that annoy the other, and I'm sure there are things that will bother him that she won't change either. Being able to love someone for who they are rather than for someone you can turn them into is the real sign of a relationship that works.