DUer check in if you've completed your demonic prayers over your Halloween Candy....

[LynneSin]

It's a good warm-up holiday before we start the War on Christmas

:eyes:

Who thinks up this shit anyways??

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/29/christian-broadcasting-ne_n_338738.html
Christian Broadcasting Network Warns Against 'Demonic' Halloween Candy

Pat Robertson's Christian Broadcasting Network posted a blog by Kimberly Daniels recently that warns Christians to forgo celebrating Halloween because of its evilness. Daniels specifically calls out candy as a source of soul-molestation:

"During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."
Obviously, we shouldn't be buying Halloween candy, but what about getting it by trick-or-treating?

"Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference."


Read more at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/10/29/christian-broadcasting-ne_n_338738.html

[petronius]

1. I summoned demons to the candy aisles of Von's, Ralphs, and Albertson's just this morning

Would have got to Rite-Aid too, but I had to go on a top secret mission in the War on Christmas...

[LynneSin]

2. War on Christmas started back in July - you should have completed those missions by now

Geez, irresponsible heathens. So much candy out there and so little time to cast curses on them.

[petronius]

3. I know, I feel really bad. I'm just sick at the thought that a little Christian child

might eat a piece of candy and not be dragged off to hell for it, and it's all my fault... :cry:

[LynneSin]

12. If you didn't procrastinate we wouldn't have these problems

just put the candy in front of the TV when Obama is on - that can help catch you up on your work.

[frogmarch]

4. Mr. froggy and I just

finished consuming the bag of miniature Snickers bars we'd bought for trick-or-treaters. We did it to save their little souls from being molested by demons, of course.

[busybl]

22. what a great idea

I'm gonna eat these Hershey Kisses Melt-a Ways to save their little souls.

[KamaAina]

5. Nice post, Jack Black!

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=6861476&mesg_id=6861476

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

6. So do they have witches on staff at the Hershey factory

whose job is to pray over the little bite-sized candy bars to ensure their demonic possession? Or do the grocery stores take care of this? If not, do I have to hire my own witch to do the praying before I hand out any candy?

This is all news to me.

:eyes:

[old mark]

7. My understanding that Brach's and the other big manufacturers

hire witches to do this so it's not left to the local level - too much chance of innocents escaping eternal damnation.
This is actually a great source of income for the Witches and allows them free time for other persuits that the feared Christians have not yet found out.

Wait till little Johnny and Suzie open those xmas packages........


mark

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

9. Thanks, that's good to know.

I don't think I can get a witch to come out on such short notice. It's a relief to know that the candy has been pre-cursed at the factory.

[old mark]

13. Kind of like sliced bread.

A modern convenience.

mark

[LynneSin]

10. If you just sit the bowl of candy in front of the TV during Olberman and Maddows

there are subliminal text being sent thru the sound that will take care of that for you.

[OffWithTheirHeads]

8. Anybody know any good "get thee Satan into the candy" prayers?

I don't think my candy came pre "blessed" and I don't want to take any chances that the kids I give it to won't turn into demon librrrrrrlllllls.

[ismnotwasm]

11. I worship the chocolate demons

On a regular basis.

[david13]

14. No but we got devil's food cake and we will be sacrificing a virgin

later tonight.
dc

[busybl]

23. Where on Earth did you find a virgin?

[Dinger]

15. Dinger Checking In, And I'm A Sunday School Teacher

I just completed them.:evilgrin:

[hunter]

16. To the demons of tooth decay! To the demons of belly fat!

To the Halloween revelers sleeping through church on Sunday!

To the dark furry fetishes lurking within the darkened closets of Kimberly Daniels mind!

OMG, it's PINK!

:wow:

[elshiva]

17. Yes, I have completed my prayers over Brach's Mellowcreme Pumpkins.

They are truly tools of Satan.


Look at the minions of the Dark Lord: LEGION:

[Capn Sunshine]

18. did the demons mention how you're supposed to send it to ME?

If not, I want my money back, you demon motherfuckers.

[elshiva]

19. Here you are, master:

Is that enough, dear gracious master? (grovel, grovel)

[Capn Sunshine]

32. You've done well, child

Please, keep a bag for yourself.

[Sebastian Doyle]

31. My legion of demons wouldn't go anywhere near those things.

Or candy corn either. They go straight to the chocolate possession.... :evilgrin:

Even my MnM's are "Kandy In Satan's Service"

[City of Mills]

20. I'd love to be a fly on the wall

during some of these demonic meetings, where some demons are assigned to the halloween candy detail :evilgrin:

[rcrush]

21. All my candy is laced with acid and ecstacy!

Who wants to come to my house for trick or treat?!

[busybl]

24. but wait, surely those styrofoam circus peanuts are from hell.

[rurallib]

25. Pat must've gotten a square of Ex-lax disguised as a Hershey bar

and shit his brains out. Long ago.

[LynneSin]

27. +1 times infinity on that one

:rofl:

[Robeson]

26. I've genetically encoded all the writings of the emperor Julian into all my candy...

...I'm smart that way...

[Lindsey]

28. There's simply no response to this. n/t

[qnr]

29. How do they know that it's only 'most ofthe candy'? Are they claiming that

the witches are unreliable? If that's the case, how do they know that just weren't just performing perfunctory dedications and prayers that weren't particularly effective. That candy is pretty viscous, sticky. or rock-hard stuff... you probably need well-executed dedications and prayers to penetrate it.

[deucemagnet]

30. That reminds me of the time I sold my soul for a donut.

Or that might have been an episode of the Simpsons. I'm not sure.

[Forkboy]

33. Like I need candy as an excuse for my demonic prayers!

[krispos42]

34. I ran out of virgins to sacrifice....

...so I sacrificed some Virgos instead. Think it'll matter? :crazy:

[LostInAnomie]

35. Can you believe they kicked me out of Walmart for performing ceremonies in the candy aisle?

I guess the rams blood pentagram on the floor and black candles were too much for the associates.

[krispos42]

36. It's a biohazard

There are forms to fill out and procedures to follow.


And there's a form for discharging a fire extinguisher, too. PITA. Betcha the shift supervisor just wasn't in the mood...

[LostInAnomie]

37. Well, I put a curse on them and all their kids on my way out.

They didn't even give me time to gather up my inverted crucifix and animal sacrifices.

[LynneSin]

38. You do know that these days just waving a picture of Obama in front of the candy will do the job

But your efforts were very much appreciated. Keep up the good work!