Being a cracked dude is tough on the ol' love life

[Tobin S.]

I have a mental illness called schizoaffective disorder. Pretty scary sounding, isn't it? For that reason I tell most people that I have bipolar disorder when I tell them that I have a mental illness. It's not much of a stretch. I have all of the symptoms of bipolar disorder plus a few of schizophrenia. People also usually have a little bit of an idea of what bipolar disorder is. They've heard of it. However, telling that little white lie hasn't helped me any.

I've been in treatment for 7 years and I've been symptom-free for that period of time.

For the past 2 years I've been looking for a partner. The main reason why I don't have a partner is because of this mental illness. It's not because of the way I treat women. I'm an easy going kind of guy and most of my potential mates have found me agreeable.....until I tell them that I have a mental illness. As soon as those words cross my lips it's all over- even though I've watered it down a little.

I told a woman today that I have bipolar disorder and she said she couldn't date me because of the ups and downs and the abuse. She automatically assumed that I have those qualities. I told her that I'm basically cured as long as I stay in treatment and that I've never abused anyone but myself, even when I was in the throes of this illness. It fell on deaf ears.

I've dated 8 women in the past two years and talked to many others. One was looking really promising there for a few weeks. I even told you guys it looked like I had a girlfriend, and I would have one right now if I hadn't disclosed my illness to her. It's gotten to the point where I just put it out there in my profile on the dating site. I don't even bother trying to get a date until after they know about the illness. Next, I think I'll get it tattooed on my forehead so as to avoid any confusion.

I've tried to find a nice mentally ill woman, but they don't usually advertise. So, I think I'm going to take up small engine repair at the local community college. I've got nothing better to do with my free time.

[Blue_Tires]

1. i feel your pain...

i think things are tough all over in the dating world...right now i'm having a lower success rate than you are...

[goldcanyonaz]

2. Why mention it up front? I'm also cracked but I don't go around advertising it.

As long as I'm on my Paxil I'm amazing but off it I'm a lunatic.

Seriously, there is no need to tell someone about your mental health or lack thereof until you have formed some type of bond with them; as in dating for a while.

[Tobin S.]

3. I have tried it that way and it is much more painful

getting to know someone and feeling like you've made a connection only to have it taken away. I'd rather avoid that and try to find someone who is okay with the illness from the get-go.

[Haole Girl]

4. I'm sorry to hear it hasn't worked to your advantage to tell a woman later on.

My theory was that once they got to know you...

anyway, I'm sorry Tobin. I feel awful for giving you that advice now. :-(

:hug:

[Tobin S.]

5. No worries. I was doing things that way all along

Go out for a little while and then tell them. I've lost them every time. I should have learned sooner.

[BethCA66]

6. I approach it the same way you do. For some reason dudes tend to like cracked chicks

That's pretty scary to me.

I think we're doing the right thing, and I'm sure as more people become acquainted with schizoaffective disorder, things will change. Few people knew what bipolar disorder was ten years ago. You've got the auditory and/or visual hallucinations and other symptoms under control (and seven years is a friggin' LIFETIME - that's awesome), but you (I) want people to know that you're (I'm) on this regimen, and sometimes the drugs poop out.

Ugh.

I wish you love.

[seabeyond]

7. i understand you being up front. i dont see how you can not be....

not only for the woman, but more importantly, as you say, for you.

that is a hard one tobin and i have never really thought about it until you explained it in this post. i remember your post all excited you had a girlfriend, and you felt so good.

i have a brother that is bi polar and he is the best and the worst. only he wont take medicine. i wish he would. more than anything, he just wants to connect with a woman.

i did chuckle.... "I've tried to find a nice mentally ill woman".

i hope for the best for you tobin

[MilesColtrane]

8. Tobin, you've got it together more than most of the so called normal people I know. (including me)

Hang in there. Your heart is in the right place, and you're being honest and up front about shit. That is miles ahead of 98% of the people in the world.

[Tobin S.]

13. Thank you very much for the compliment

I appreciate it and I needed it. :pals:

[auntAgonist]

9. aw man

:(

I'm sorry my friend :hug:
this really sux.


:hug:

kesha

[Deep13]

10. I'm very sorry to hear that.

We're all rooting for you.
:pals:

[MiddleFingerMom]

11. The BESTEST thing I read there...

.
...is that you've been symptom-free for 7 years.
.
:bounce: :applause: :applause: :bounce:
.
The rest pretty much sucks. Stay honest, though. Tough as it may be...
it's the ONLY way you've got a shot at keeping someone that you may
find.
.
The tattoo on the forehead thing.
.
Nonononono. And no.
.
But... wouldn't it be COOL... if you looked up one day... and
saw a woman with the EXACT SAME THING tattooed on HER forehead.
.
It'd be like looking in a mirror!!!!!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
A cracked mirror.
.
But a MIRROR, nonetheless!!
.
Good luck and good vibes to and for you.
.

[TZ]

12. Too bad you don't live closer to me.

Having had a history of mania-depressive people in my family I'm okay with people who are on meds. Thats what you need to find. Someone who has personally dealt with it and understands that its really not much different from any chronic illness that as long as you maintain treatment mostly its okay.

[Tobin S.]

15. Thanks TZ

I'm glad someone understands. :pals:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

14. hang in there Tobin. one of these days Love will come your way.

She is out there somewhere. You are a good guy. Try taking a class that has more girls in it. :hug:

[Tobin S.]

16. hahahahahahahaha

I think I'm giving up on the girls. They have cooties. I wish I could try the guys but they just don't do anything for me.

Thanks. :hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

17. MilesColtrane is right.

but you know what they say, the minute you stop looking it comes your way. It did for me. Although, I hadn't looked for a couple of years, so there is that. :pals:

[LeftyFingerPop]

18. Tobin, my friend...

The stigma can be terrible, and not just in the dating scene.

I am very open about my depression. I will talk to anyone about it.

Sometimes when I tell people that I have major depression, they will tip toe around and speak what I call "baby talk" to you...Ohhh are you OK? Don't be sad! Be happy. When they do this, I sometimes start drooling and grunting, just to see the look on their face!

The stigma also exists among mental health workers, which I find amazing.

I've been in the hospital twice for depression.

During one stay, we had to go into a room every morning to get our vitals taken. There was a man and woman in the room. I used to chat with the woman...she made a comment to me along the lines of "oh, you're a good one, you are the only normal one in this place". Well, I just kind of looked at her. After she took my vitals, I was on my way out of the room, and one of the patients walked in, a beautiful sweet little old lady. I kid you not...the guy looked at her and said "JESUS CHRIST, WHY DON'T YOU BRUSH YOUR FUCKING TEETH, YOUR BREATH STINKS"! The lady got tearful.

I was out in the hall, and when she left the room, I went back in and told the guy to fuck himself. He just grinned at me, so I put the fucker up against the wall. Then i got gang tackled and received a few extra days stay for my trouble.

My point is this...if some (I repeat SOME) mental health workers don't understand mental illnesses, how can we expect the general population to?

It sucks...bad. I guess all we can do is continue to educate.