My heart is about to burst from fear and anguish

[lunamagica]

I have a medical appointment on Wednesday. I'm afraid of what the Dr will likely tell me.

I've been fighting disease my entire life. My poor mother was told I'd never made it past five; yet I've fought on for 40+ years. The strain was to much for my father, who bailed out in every aspect early on


It's never been much of a life. It's taken everything for me just to survive. I went through measles, e- coli, other things. It was hard, often horrific. But there was always hope, you know? Science progresses in leaps and bounds. In fact, years ago a cure was discovered.....it was the happiest day of my life! Until I found out I was to damaged to withstand treatment. So I went on..... maybe later.

But early this year I went trough a severe medical crisis. Was in ICU for the first time in my life. It was a nightmare....I'm I was in the hospital for weeks. Now I'm out. but I'm not getting better. The medical staff is pushing me to go to a form of life support. I can't do it....I just can't. My life is already quite limited. QUITE limited. I can't, I don't want it to get even worse. This crises has forced me to face the reality that I will never ne cured, I will never know what it feels to be healthy, I will never ever know the big and little good things on life which most take for granted. Now people are just going to expect for me to take on another burden, and just get used to it....again. "look at her, she's so brave!" Sometimes it feels like I exist just so others see that their life is "not so bad" in comparison.

Well, enough is enough! I've made my peace with dying, but I want a faster death, not linger for maybe years while one organ after another fails.

There's one problem though. My mom. I will never find the words to make her see things my way. I'm the only thing she really has and I don't know if she'll ever recover from losing me. But won't it be much worse for her to see me waste away for years? Sometimes I wonder if I had died before five as predicted she would have rebuilt her life....who knows.

I've been mulling over this these past few weeks, and my thoughts have remained pretty consistent. If I had my way I'd get the treatment even if there's not much chance for it to work. What do I have to lose, huh? But the Drs. won't hear of it and I don't have the money to travel all over the world to find someone who'd be willing to do it.

I've sometimes wished to die, but never tried to commit suicide. But this wouldn't be it. This would be just letting nature take its course.

Even though this is my worst problem, there isn't one bright spot in my life. Everywhere I look, there's only a closed door. Physically, financially, emotionally, my life is a mess. But I'm big in denial. I can escape into something and pretend my life doesn't exist. However, tonight I can't seem to do it.

I can't stop picturing Wednesday, getting the worst news, trying to do what I've decided, everyone going against me, including my mom getting hysterical. Then me caving in while they say "Oh, she's so brave"

If you read this far, thank you. If you pray send good vibes, please, send a prayer/vibes my way. I really don't wish to die. I'd love to experience good things in this life. But I'd much rather die, than continue in this downward spiral.

Please forgive me for being so cryptic explaining this, but I'm in a state of panic, and can't bring myself to type some things/words

[Suich]

1. Sending calming vibes to you, lunamagica!

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[lunamagica]

4. Thank you

:hug:

[tango-tee]

2. You are a person in deep pain, dear lunamagica.

I'm sending you my heartfelt best wishes... would you perhaps like to send me a PM? I'd be honored to listen.

[lunamagica]

5. Thank you. I'll keep your offer in mind. eom

[abq e streeter]

14. I hope you take tango -tee up on her offer...She is an extraordinarily kind and compassionate person

and I am myself profoundly sad at reading your anguished words, and feel so helpless because I don't know what to say or recommend or anything....But I can, and do, promise to pray for you...

[tango-tee]

18. No words necessary...

You know what I mean. Thinking of you.

[Duer 157099]

3. I understand how you feel

It's a monumental thing that you're reconciled with the fact of death, most people aren't so I'd say that's a huge bright spot in your life. Worrying about our loved ones is the real problem though, leaving people behind.

What are your beliefs about an afterlife, if you care to share?

In any case, I can only send vibes your way and tell you that I understand.

:hug:

[lunamagica]

7. Most of my loved ones have passed on.....

I'd hope to meet them again in a place where there's no pain.

But even if it's the end, I mostly just want to stop suffering.

But my mom....my poor, beloved mom....

[Duer 157099]

8. What are your mom's beliefs about the afterlife?

Is she religious?

[lunamagica]

10. My mom is Catholic. But she hasn't gone to mass in years.

She prays a lot, but i see her more anguished each day with all we're going through. It's like she's trying to understand, to find an explanation

But the one thing she couldn't stand would be life without my emotional support. She tells me this often.

[Duer 157099]

11. Somehow convince her that you'll meet up again

that death isn't the end, it's just a transition, that souls that are bonded together will remain bonded after death. That's what I believe and it's the only thing that helped me through the death of many of those close to me.

There's no easy way through this, for you or her. I wish you the best and know that you'll find peace one day, here or there. She will too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know what it's like.

[lunamagica]

15. That's what I want to do, but it's hard. She's a very emotional person

Just today I tried to bring the subject up to her. I mentioned Gary Coleman, how hard his life was, and how he died. Then I said, "now things are better for him, at least he's at peace, not suffering anymore" She said very firmly "Well, people might say that, but I'm sure he wanted to live, even with his problems!".

I didn't expect her reply. We used to talk about things we would do, trips we would take. It will be near impossible to even talk about this.

Thank you for your words. I'm sorry to read rhat you know what this is like.

[UndertheOcean]

6. Do what you think is right , but try knocking on extra doors first ...

and don't let anyone else pressure you into something you don't want , it is your life .

very sorry , I know saying "sorry" is useless ... but ... :(

hoping for the best this coming Wednesday

[lunamagica]

9. Thank you. But every door has been slammed on my face.

[Skip Intro]

12. I read no further than your subject line. Let it go, whatever it is. Let it go.

Find a corner, find another state - whatever this is nothing will be served by strangling yourself with it. Let it go - take a deep breath. Do it.

[lunamagica]

16. Rhere's only one way out, eom

[tango-tee]

19. I disagree...

There's always, always a shred of hope, another door that is ajar. Please PM. I'm deeply worried.

[lunamagica]

20. No, please, don't worry. I won't try to do anything like that.

Like I said in my OP, I've nevr tried it, and I won't.

But I won't agree to extreme measures just to keep me existing. I just think it's probably time to let nature take its course.

[tango-tee]

23. OK. Remember you have friends here.

My door is always open.

[lunamagica]

24. Yes, I know. Again, thank you

[bobmorr1]

27. prayers and vibes coming

I'm sorry for what you are going through. My prayers are with you.

[grasswire]

13. I don't understand what you mean by "a form of life support"

If you want to clarify, please do.

I'm so sorry to hear about your troubles, dear heart. So much suffering in the world for so many people. Just know that many here are always here to listen and care.

[lunamagica]

22. Thank you

[RFKHumphreyObama]

17. Sending thoughts, prayers, positive vibes, healing energies and whatever else good I can extend

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this:hug: :hug: :hug:

[lunamagica]

21. Thank you

:hug:

[RFKHumphreyObama]

25. And remember we're all here if you feel the need to confide in us

or share your feelings at any time:hug:

[XemaSab]

26. I understand where you're coming from

I first got really sick when I was 10 days old, and I struggled with ear and bladder infections throughout my childhood.

When I was 4 I got a cold, then bronchitis, then pneumonia, and I have had asthma ever since. It's been like the sword of Damocles. It'll be fine for a while, then all of a sudden it will come back with a vengeance. I've probably been to the ER 60 times.

The meds have screwed up my system, and I'm generally a living wreck (I produce anti-nuclear antibodies, if you can believe it) but what can you do? Really, what can you do?

About 12 years ago I had a really nasty attack that was a total freak thing (the place I was staying in had had a rabbit in it the week before) and I wound up in the ICU. It was a bit of a turning point in my relationship with the illness.

While I lay there, I made a choice. I chose to live.

Yeah, I know you're thinking it was this big, brave moment, but it really wasn't.

In that moment it seemed as casual a decision as deciding where to go to lunch, or what shirt to wear. (If you want to know the truth, I had just bought new binoculars that I wanted to use, and I was hoping to see the new Star Wars movie. Given the prequels, I may have chosen poorly.)

Dying is a bummer for the people you leave behind, but, as the stoics put it, dead people don't seem to be bothered by being dead.

Best wishes to you in your journey, whether it be life or otherwise. :pals:

[Wapsie B]

28. Good vibes to you in your time of need.

[nuxvomica]

29. Sending vibes and wishing you peace of mind, Lunamagica

:hug:

[Tuesday Afternoon]

30. peaceful prayers and good vibes, lunamagica -

also courage for you as you walked this difficult path. Wishing you the bravery it will take to make a decision. :hug: