Will somebody please critique my friend's online dating profile on PlentyOfFish?

[LeftyFingerPop]

Here is his profile picture:



Here is his profile:

Hiya there. Whaddya say there? I am a 47 year old single white male. I have been working over at the zoo for 23 years now, and my job is to keep the monkeys happy if you know what I mean. I live in a basement apartment that is underneath a fish market. I share a similarity to Sylvester Stallone in the movie "Rocky", because I have two turtles named "Cuff" and "Link". Lulz.

I am seeking a single white female between the ages of 24 and 24 and 2 months. I am a lifelong atheist, but you must be Roman Catholic. If you are not Roman Catholic, please do not waste my time. You must have blond hair and green eyes, and your name must be "Muffy". If your name is not Muffy, please do not waste my time.

You must have a mole on your stomach. I should be able to take a ruler, and measure up 4 inches from the center of your belly button (must be an innie), and then over to the left 3 inches...at that spot, there must be a light brown mole in the shape of South America with the southern tip cut off a little bit. If your mole is shaped like South America, but the southern tip is there, please do not waste my time.

You must own a business, and draw a salary from your business of at least $300,000 per year. Please send a scanned copy of your 3 most recent W-2's when you respond to me.

You must be exactly 5' 4 ". Exactly. I am not especially picky about how much you weigh, but you must weigh exactly 120 pounds.

You must naturally smell like jasmine. If you do not smell like jasmine, please do not waste my time.

You must be a virgin, non-drinker, non-smoker, non-drug user. If you are not willing to submit to a urine test, please do not waste my time.

Your eyes must have a dew like quality. This is non-negotiable.

Thank you for reading my profile. I will respond to everyone, but it may take me awhile because I expect to get a lot of replies.

[Bucky]

1. I'm gonna get a gender reassignment and legally change my name to Muffy just to meet this guy.

I guess I need to have my birthday changed too. Well, maybe I can get my reassignment surgery in Hawaii and I can pick up a cheap fake birth certificate while I'm out there.

[crim son]

2. This is a seriously magnificent post. n/t

[Systematic Chaos]

3. This post was very much needed.

:rofl:

[nolabear]

4. That picture would have given me nightmares as a child!

What am I saying? It'll give me nightmares tonight!

Ever read the Personal Ads in The London Review of Books? Me neither, but they were compiled a couple of years ago into a book called "They Call Me Naughty Lola," which gives you the gist. It's performance art, really, but people come up with some beauts! None with your flair for a pretty face tho'.

[noamnety]

5. critique for your friend

I think it all looks good except for the photo. It's cropped in too tightly which can make people look a little threatening. I would retake it zoomed out slightly so there is more of the background showing above the head.

[quakerboy]

6. Also needs a slightly more "come hither" expression

Really, he might just want to retake that photo. Open the eyes a little wider, get a little bit of pouty lip in there somewhere.

Other than that, it reads like a dream guy. I say just post it as is. You dont want to give people the impression your perfect, that never ends well.

[bluedigger]

7. Muffy?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neOTrwTzRBo&feature=PlayList&p=86D0E38261157037&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=37

She knows what it's all about.

[GreenPartyVoter]

8. *wipes eyes* Tee hee!

[Withywindle]

9. Almost perfect, but I really think the picture should be a full-body shot.

You can't hope to catch a Muffy with a mole if she can't see the beer gut. That's a big turn-on for Muffys.

[Petrushka]

10. Does he have a brother?