I am So Confused.

[GirlAfire]

Hello,

I know I don't post often, but I just started law school. I really have so little time for anything other than law school. But a guy I've known close to four years has just "dumped" me.

So my ex, with whom I was still talking, just called two hours after a pleasant conversation and told me that I'm a fucking bitch and that "I have friends that are better friends to me than you are." He also told me that I have problems with empathy and selfishness. Also, he told me that maybe I needed to experience waking up from a drunk stupor with some strange guy on top of me (this was said because a guy asked for my number at a gas station).

I'd hate to bother you with a long list of specifics, but I used to tutor him, cook, clean, and things for him, but I stopped once I realized that he would never love me the way any person deserves to be loved by a significant other. He was my first love, first sexual experience, first everything, really. My race was a problem for him (he's white; I'm black) - he told me on several occasions that my skin color would get him shot. So once I realized that he could not and would not love me romantically, my feelings for him faded. He eventually "dumped" me. We've been "friends" since April of 2008.

He is obviously angry at me because I don't help him like he thinks I should. But we'd just had a normal conversation when he called me and said the aforementioned things about and to me. In that earlier normal conversation, he fussed at me for mentioning that I wanted a certain perfume. He didn't like that because he has no food and felt that I should not be talking about buying perfume while he is starving. Yet we talked about normal things, like my midterm in Civil Procedure, my classmates, my roommates, etc. I thought the conversation ended well. Apparently not.

I guess ... I just don't know how to feel about this. On one hand, I know that he used me so much - never loved me. On the other, I understand that maybe I should not have mentioned that I wanted this certain perfume while he was hungry? I just thought, as a friend, that mentioning this really great-smelling perfume was no big deal. I thought friends talked about little things like that.

I suppose I should be happy that he is gone. But ... it's just that he was so hateful toward me that's got me so on edge and so upset.

I'm in a financial bind with him. When I thought I was in love with him, I let him on as an authorized user to my credit card. Now, there is over $5,000 of debt in my name. Before him, I owed only $200. During this conversation, he said, "just try to take me to court and see where it gets you." He says this because he knows he is not legally responsible for the debt; he is only an authorized user - not a co-creditor. Is there anything I can do? I know the answer to this, but ... I'm just hoping, I guess.

Am I stupid for feeling sad right now?

I don't even know how to feel.

I am really sorry to vent like this...

EDIT: Also, I put "friends" and "dumped" in quotation marks b/c I can't really say we were friends (because of the way he treated me), and I can't say he dumped me (because he never loved me). But those words were the closest thing I could think of.

[hippywife]

1. One should never put themselves THAT far out

on a limb for someone in the hopes of getting them to feel something for you. Sure there are favors one does for "friends" but not too extreme and not with the anticipation of something in return, especially love.

Putting him on your cc was not a smart move, and you are going to end up paying for that because it is probably legally your debt, and yours alone as the cardholder.

This guy is no friend. He is a user and you allowed yourself to be used. Friends don't do that. Put some distance between yourself and him, and keep it that way.

[GirlAfire]

3. Thanks HippyWife

I didn't do those things in the hopes of getting him to like or love me; I did them because I loved him.

Yes, I regret adding him onto my credit card. And as I said earlier, I already knew the answer to the question but was hoping there was some exception I'm missing. I think you are right; the debt is mine since it's under my name. And he was glad to remind me of that.

Oh, there will be distance since he decided to no longer "put up" with me.

[Kali]

4. you are so much kinder than I

;) :hi:

[Kali]

2. 5K may actually be a bargain to be rid of this abusive asshole

be sure to take him off the card!
and be careful - sometimes they are physically dangerous when they lose control

[GirlAfire]

5. That is...

...definitely one thing I am scared of. He does have a temper, and he knows where I live. Well, I've moved for school, but he knows where my mother and sister live. I could never live with myself if he hurt them. The anger with which he spoke to me ... I can't doubt that he would not hurt me. I don't think he knows where I live, but I may be wrong.

Thanks, Kali.

[blogslut]

6. Be glad

It's over. He probably knew you were fading away from him and was looking for an excuse to end it before you did.

Word to the wise, he'll come back begging. Don't fall for it.

[GirlAfire]

7. I Don't Know...

He said some pretty cruel things. I think he just downright hates me. But you probably know better than I do, since he was my first and only "serious" relationship (I felt serious about him, anyway, and it obviously wasn't reciprocal).

Yeah, he threw up the fact that I moved away for law school instead of going to lower-ranked law school that was closer to him (in our hometown). So yeah, I do also think he knew I didn't feel like I used to. But I have always been kind to him; this was totally ... random.

I called my mother about all this, and she said "I told you so." Who wants to hear that when they are upset, even if it's true?

[City of Mills]

8. I doubt he 'hates' you...

Sounds like you have good things going on in your life, and he doesn't. He probably has low self esteem and is lashing out at you because you appear to have outgrown him and he's insecure about it. Since he can't control you anymore he doesn't know how to deal with being jealous of you, so he's trying to take you down to make himself feel better.

That's my guess.

[GirlAfire]

11. That Makes...

...a lot of sense.

I just wish I didn't care. WTF, I'm so dumb; I actually care that he is upset right now. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I know I can get over this and him, but for now, I just feel so heartbroken. And that's just so stupid because ... there was nothing left to be desired in that "relationship."

[City of Mills]

12. You care because you're a good person

I know what that's like, I mourn over people who don't give a crap about my feelings...it's not easy but it's who you are...do your best to be careful; I swear some people can detect those of us with tender hearts, and are sociopathic enough to manipulate us for their own selfish benefit. I wish I could toughen up, but despite being screwed over and over, I still look for the best in people. It's like a curse sometimes!

[GirlAfire]

15. That Last Line ...

... should be my signature; it is so true! That's why it hurts so much when he called me selfish. If you can name it, I have probably done it for him. Once, he even told me that if I were a guy, he would beat my ass. This, because he claimed he couldn't get a credit because I had ruined his credit by adding him as an authorized user. And I added him as an authorized user because he was turned down for something since he didn't have a credit card. On that card, he has charged food, bills, and anything else you can think of. But, yes, he said he would beat my ass for extending my credit line to him.

So ... at what point does being good become being stupid? Perhaps I should slap myself and say "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHY ARE YOU SAD?" I think I've stood in the "stupid" column for a while now...

[blogslut]

9. He "hates" you because he knows he can't use you anymore

However, time will pass and he when he finds himself in another financial pickle he will seek people from whom he can leech. Don't be one of those people.

[GirlAfire]

19. I Definitely Won't Be.

...I'm really done with him. He has called it off with me before, and I forgave him. But I'm really done this time.

[elleng]

10. SO SORRY to hear this, Girl.

I'm a lawyer, 'separated' from a sociopath, mother to 22-year old daughter whose 'boyfriend', after 'civil' break-up, just excoriated her for 'cheating,' which a so-called friend told him my daughter had engaged in. Not true, and daughter is/was devasted hearing this from 'boyfriend.'

And I do understand the 'hateful' crap, as I've suffered depression as result of husband's continuous hatefulness. You are SO LUCKY to be done with yours! I promise!

My responsive rant just to tell you, it happens all over, people are just like that, damn, AND you'll become engrossed with such as Marbury v. Madison, so continue with your important and enjoyable future.


:thumbsup:

:hi:

[GirlAfire]

13. I am so sorry to hear...

...of your daughter's trouble. I hope she is holding up well. (Well, I see that you said "was" and "is," but I hope it's more of the former than the latter.)

Oh no! I'm already suffering with Ashcroft v. Iqbal and what it may or may not mean for particularized pleading standards. That is enough without Marbury! LOL.

PM forthcoming on your situation, if you don't mind.

Forgot to say - thanks to all who have thus far responded! It's really helping to hear assessments from people outside the situation; I'm not feeling exactly rational right now...

[elleng]

14. GLAD to be of 'service,' as was depressed yesterday thinking of her.

PM fine.

[david13]

16. Your story is somewhat like mine was long ago. Just go ahead,

and study, and get good grades (study study study) and get thru' school, and take care of yourself, and forget about all that stuff; put it all behind you, and move on. There is a lot of opportunity out there, new life, many doors to open, so just start on the journey, with the first step. Then keep going.
dc

[Capn Sunshine]

17. very good advice

I had a partner once who told me "hard work will set you free" It was like her motto. She told it to many a heartbroken young lady, as she was the type who attracted "strays" and they often thought of her as a surrogate mother. What she meant was, that if you work your ass off to the exclusion of all else, you will find that the negative fades away and at the end of it all you've got a pile of money, as a bonus.

I think that if you throw yourself into your schoolwork, you'll find the same it true. You've obviously got the ability to work hard; they don't take just any idiot off the street into law school.

Go. Read that book on contract law. Again. I recommend this book as supplemental reading.

[GirlAfire]

22. Thanks Capn Sunshine for the Wonderful Advice

That has always been my strategy - to concern myself almost solely with work. In fact, I always try to get one of my chronically depressed friends to take up that strategy. I tell him to go to college or find something he is very interested in. However, I didn't live up to my own standard with him. I always took time from my busy work to be his "friend."

Thanks for the recommendation! You are awesome. :)

[GirlAfire]

20. Thank You So Much

I will try my best to do all those things. After that convo with him, I have not done any work.

Thank you for your encouraging words. :) I really need and appreciate them right now.

[MadMaddie]

18. Everyone has given you great advice

the only thing I can add is that regardless of his or your race he is an ass.

You have moved onto positive things in your life and he has not.

Stay away from him, don't contact him, don't talk to him. By contacting him or having any communication with him you enable his unstable behavior. This is where many women make the mistake that he will change and this is where women get into trouble with violent men. It can start out with vitrolic language and degrading remarks and it can escalate to violence. I don't say this to scare you I want you and your family to be safe.

Stay strong, stay safe and study your tail off!!

[GirlAfire]

21. Thank You, MadMaddie!

With your and everyone's advice, I feel so much better. Thank you!

I am definitely going to stay away from him. Unfortunately, I answered his call just a few minutes ago. I know I should not have, but not to worry - I am done. And he will know this. He asked for my forgiveness and that he was just frustrated for not being able to see me. I have heard that before. It was not as easy as he thought. Once he saw that I was not going to accept his apology, those tears of his dried up real fast.
I am trying to gather my thoughts so that I can be clear if I ever am unfortunate to have contact with him again.

This is the first time I have ever been able to be tough on him.

I definitely will be studying. However, I simply failed in that regard today. Thank goodness I'm not up for discussion tomorrow. But hopefully, this will be a one-time thing.

Thanks again!