Just learned a friend is having a party and I'm not invited.

[Reader Rabbit]

A mutual friend, who was invited, blabbed about it on FB.

What is the standard procedure for something like this? Should I just pretend to know nothing about the party? I have a birthday card for the guy. Should I just give it to this other friend who I know was also invited, and ask him to pass it on?

I have to say that I'm kinda bummed about the situation.

[Swede]

1. Now that is a snub.

PHone the friend up and go WTF dude?

[Kaleva]

2. Is it your friend's B-Day Party?

Has this friend had previous parties which you were invited to?

[Reader Rabbit]

3. Yes, it's his birthday.

According to the blabby FB friend, it's a "big bash". I've been to several other parties at his place, which is why this really caught me by surprise.

I don't want a pity invite, but I'd also like to clue him in on how rotten this is for me.

Then again, it's his birthday. He should invite whoever he wants. Which is also a bit of a bummer for me. :(

[Kaleva]

10. Your friendship may be based more then on party invitations

My guess is that when you look at the big picture, you'll see that this is just a minor glitch compared to what you both get out of your friendship with each other.

[Danger Mouse]

4. Confront him. Say 'I thought I was your friend, dood.'

Good luck.

[begin_within]

5. A month after their party, mail them a card that says:

I'm throwing a party
We're all excited
And mainly because
You're not invited!

Don't give a date or place, or maybe even your name. Just mail it.

[Haole Girl]

6. A lot of stuff is blabbed on FB

:hug:

[begin_within]

7. This is a perfect grudge to hold.

And I'm an expert on grudges; I'm willing to hold them for 20, 30 years until the perfect time to get back at them. You should hold this against your so-called friend. Wait until the perfect time, such as when he is asking you a big favor that only you can do and he needs it desperately. Then say casually and coldly, "You know I might, but since you didn't invite me to your birthday party in 2010, I'm not interested. Goodbye." Don't say "sorry" or anything. Don't be sorry.

[Lucian]

8. Not much of a friend now, is he?

[Reader Rabbit]

15. Thanks for pointing that out.

Losing what I thought was a good friendship hadn't crossed my mind. :sarcasm:

[Lucian]

24. Sorry.

But the truth hurts sometimes. I've been through that before, too, so I know how it feels.

[Chan790]

9. I have a question...it's kind of mean.

Are you that guy? No, not that one.

"That" guy? If you don't know, you might be.

"That" guy is that guy who goes to the party, isn't social, seemingly doesn't want to be there and generally drags down everybody else at the party. "That" guy is Eeyore.

It's okay, every group has one. When I have my birthday next month, I'm probably not inviting mine. It's not mean. He really doesn't seem to want to attend. Other people have expressed a concern that if he attends, he's going to sit in the corner and not talk to anybody again so that people feel obligated to try to make him be social; he's going to be a buzzkill. He's great one-on-one but he's clearly not comfortable or happy in a party setting. If invited, he'll show up as if he were obligated to whether he really desires to or not. So the best course of action is to not invite him to the party and to make other plans to see him in a setting and time that's more in tune to his better self.

He's just "that" guy.

[MiddleFingerMom]

12. When I met my eventual first lead guitarist, I was "that guy"...

.
.
.
.
.
...well -- actually I was "that other guy": the guest who NEVER...FUCKING...LEAVES.
.
.
I met him at his birthday party... and when I walked in the door, I IMMEDIATELY joined
this L-O-N-G conga line that had about 4 or 5 fifths of tequila passing person-to-person
over shoulders -- and it just got better from there.
.
.
4 AM and I was the last one there. He and his GF probably spent close to an hour yawning
very theatrically before finally telling me that they wanted to fuck and it was time for ME
to fuck OFF.
.
.
We became (ahem) ALMOST-instant best friends (seriously)
.
.
.
But I was forever after known as "The Guest Who Would Not Leave" and the MOMENT I arrived
at his subsequent parties, they would inform me that I had to start getting ready to leave.
.
.
.
Which NEVER seemed to be 'til 4 AM and 'til after everyone else had gone home.
.
.
.

[Reader Rabbit]

14. I don't *think* I'm *that guy*. And not just because I'm female.

I'm pretty social and bubbly at parties. I chat and laugh with a wide variety of people.

[grace0418]

11. Is it possible you were invited and didn't get the invite? Was it an evite that ended up in

your spam folder or a paper invite that never made it to your house?

If you want to be sneaky, you could call your friend and casually ask him what he's doing the night of the party, see if he wants to "go to a movie for his birthday" or something. Then he'll either say he's busy and you'll know you're not invited or he'll say "dude, aren't you coming to my party? I never heard back from you."

Or you could be straight up and say "Can I ask you a question? Did I do something that pissed you off? I'd like to opportunity to make things right." Then tell him why. Tell him you don't want a pity invite, you just want to know what's going on.

[Phentex]

13. I wouldn't do anything...

If you say something, he'll cave and invite you or be irritated and resent you. I would NOT send a card with someone else (which would be pitiful and passive aggressive). If you normally mail a card every year, then by all means do so.

If it's really an oversight, he'll tell you and YOU won't look bad. So you end up missing one party but keeping a friendship.

Maybe it's time to rethink the kind of friendship you have with this person.

[Gormy Cuss]

21. +1

And for Reader Rabbit: it's difficult to feel excluded by someone you consider a friend but if he did it intentionally without the courtesy of an explanation, it is time to rethink your friendship.

[Reader Rabbit]

22. Thanks, Gormy Cuss and Phentex.

This seems to be the high road.

Part of me wants him to be aware that I know about the party and my exclusion, but I can't see how to do so in a way that doesn't seem manipulative. I really hate the idea of always having this between us; it seems to make our friendship dishonest or fake on a fundamental level. Maybe it always was.

It just makes me sad.

[HopeHoops]

16. Ignore it. That's just an opportunity to reconsider what the word "friend" means.

[RadiationTherapy]

17. Hahaha. That stuff sucks. Fuggit. Make other plans.

Laugh out loud about it when no one is around.

[KurtNYC]

18. ask innocently if he is 'doing anything to celebrate' his birthday

it may be unintended, it may be on purpose but you should confront it as openly and gently as possible. Give him a free chance to invite you.

[petronius]

19. I always thought the basic party rule is that all girls are automatically invited,

with or without formal notification. :shrug:

On the other hand, maybe he decided he wants a stag party this year (as lame an idea as that would be...)

[realisticphish]

20. Easy; invite him for a drink or something before the event

and while there, say "hey, I brought your birthday card, in case I didn't get a chance to see you on your birthday." That way, if he really does want you to come, and wires just got crossed, he'll say something

[Demoiselle]

23. If you've already got the card, give it to him:

choice #1...give it to the friend to take to the party. choice #2... Mail it to him. The first suggestion is guilt inducing and slightly confrontational. The second suggestion just guilt inducing.
I guess I just might mail it to him. I wouldn't exert myself to confrontation level. And if that doesn't produce a discernible level of regret on his part, write him off. Don't waste energy on this, and
DON"T beat yourself up for his shortcomings.

I hate when people treat people this way.

[wysimdnwyg]

25. Don't know the situation, but...

Is he in a relationship? Perhaps his SO sees you as a threat to their relationship and asked that you not be invited.

If that's not the issue, then I suggest you make an excuse to see him prior to his birthday and give him the card early. Perhaps even say something about "in case I don't see you" or something. If he wants you at the party, he'll almost certainly say something. If he doesn't say anything, then you can start to worry. If he still doesn't say anything the first time you see him AFTER the party, then you know it's an issue and can feel free to confront him about it.

[applegrove]

26. I wouldn't take it personally. They can only have so many friends over at once. Your pal has lots of

friends be happy for them. Drop off your gift.

[WinkyDink]

27. Clue: NOT your friend.

Had it happen to me 44 years ago, and have never forgotten.