I have an ethical question regarding hooking up while drunk...

[Paradoxical]

So last night I got unusually smashed. Like, I vaguely remember someone carrying me up stairs and throwing me in a bed with a trash can.

There was a guy trying to pick me up like half the night. I wasn't interested until I was absolutely hammered.

I don't have a full recollection of the events between like 2 AM and 5 AM. But I do know that things were done based on when and where I woke up.

If I could rewind the clock, I would go back to like 11 PM last night and leave the party before anything happened. But I can't do that.

And now he's sending me text messages.

I just want to ignore the situation. But is ignoring the other person unethical?

[dawg]

1. Was he as messed up as you were?

If not, then I think he's the one with the ethical problem.

[Paradoxical]

3. No actually he was not as fucked up as I was.

Or so it appeared. We were both drunk. But I was absolutely gone.

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I feel like he may have been taking advantage of the situation.

[HopeHoops]

2. Did he put a rubber on it?

Important question.

[Paradoxical]

4. Not sure.

:shrug:

[HopeHoops]

5. Okay, that's drunk.

I think there's more to worry about than whether or not you respond to his messages.

[seabeyond]

6. i didnt look at anyone elses reply. but....

having experienced the same as you when i was young, i will say, there were a few occassions when i had the same experience and ignored, ignored, ignored until the men left me alone. got some flowers and a cake a gram once. never called back. no deisre. and even years later i may get a flash, and push it away, ignore ignore ignore.

lesson learned.

on edit: ah see, condom. lol. i read replies. there is that issue. whooosh, ya know.

[Paradoxical]

7. The problem is he's friends with several of my friends.

If this were some random stranger, I wouldn't really have an issue. But I'm almost certainly going to see him again. Especially at other parties.

For some reason I feel bad. Like I feel like I did something wrong. Which I guess, in a way I did since I allowed myself to get wasted and then I started acting like a tease. But I'm pretty sure I did not invite him to join me in bed.

[dawg]

8. I'd just take his call and tell him how things are.

No sense dragging it out and making it more awkward than it already is.

[seabeyond]

9. the thing about it is

you behaved in a way you would not have behaved if you were sober. that is why you are feeling bad. it is not how you would have handled the situation. you have to remind yourself booze is the reason the situation happened and give yourself grace... that simple. not gonna turn back the clock.

does make it tougher that you will see him. i would buck up, give the dude a call and tell him, you were drunk, otherwise you would not have made those choices. sorry. not gonna happen again

AND though he may not have been as drunk as you, he, too, had been drinking and very well could be feeling the same uncomfortable feeling. calling you to settle things in the light of the day. needing the same comfort to put it in its place, that you are feeling.

this is life. a lesson. no more or less. we all experience them. i assume. i have. less and way less as we get older

i dont do booze well or often. adn when i do drink, generally drink too much. and always slutty when i drink. i present myself in a way i want, ... when sober. when drunk, that goes away. i hear what you are saying and it is never comfortable, or for me it wasnt.

[kimi]

10. JMHO, if you sort of know him already

you might want to inquire about the condom issue. I think that would freak me the heck out.

[Incitatus]

11. Heh. When I first read your sentence I didn't see the "up".

[seabeyond]

12. lol. you bad. nt

[Name removed]

13. Deleted message

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

[Nikia]

14. He's the one who behaved unethically

Legally, it might be considered rape. I am assuming that you don't wish to press charges because of the tone of your email. It is ethical of you to tell him that he was wrong to do what he did and that you wish to never see him again. If you insist on being more diplomatic and seeing him again since he is aquainted with your friends, tell him that what happened was a mistake that will never happen again.
It is also ethical to warn other women about him, although I would understand your hesitance because of him being in your circle of friends.
I would recommend that you be more careful about drinking too much and/or hanging out with people who you can trust not to take advantage of you, including someone who will actively prevent something like this from happening to you. I would certainly never drink with him alone or without a trusted person to watch out for you.

[Paradoxical]

15. Well, he's gay so I guess he's not much of a threat to women.

I remember telling him how it was difficult to be a bisexual man without people stereotyping you as "gay".

I'm starting to think he just wanted to get with a "straight" guy. That's the vibe he was giving off.

[Nikia]

16. I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you were a guy

It is still up to you about whether or not you tell other people about what he did.