Alpha Males or Unintelligent, Big-Mouthed Morons (Read For Laughs)

[moderateindependent]

Here is a column for those of you crazy enough to be up this late just for some laughs (and, of course, making a point about the media) from www.moderateindependent.com :

ALPHA MALES OR UNINTELLIGENT, BIG-MOUTHED MORONS?

The Intentional Misdefining Of Type To Sell An Agenda

by John S. Ashton

We've all heard the term "Alpha Male," used ad nauseum at this point. Throughout the last election cycle, we heard how Al Gore had hired someone to make him seem more of an "Alpha Male." In our daily lives, we hear the people who talk over others, act without thinking deeply, and embrace things like cars that pollute a lot and war referred to as, "Alpha Males."

The phrase is supposed to draw from anthropological research in which a certain ape within a group was found to be the dominant male, and, for scientific purposes, was labeled the Alpha Male. This is nice, useful, and accurate if we are anthropologists who are talking about apes.

However, unfortunately for those who would like to use this phrase in relation to people, humans are not apes.

For apes, intelligent discourse consists of, "Oooo ooo oo, aaaa aaaah aaaa aaa." Apes tend to spend less time in school educating themselves than would be desirable for us humans. The Alpha Male ape form of government is an exclamation of, "Ooo ooo ooo, aaa aaa aaaah," followed by a comical bout of chasing one of his friends around, before the grand finale of standing on a rock, fondling his own private parts without shame.

Alpha Males are perfect for making such decisions as whether to throw poop at a man watching them with a camera or to jump and swing from a tree while screaming, "Ooo ooo oooo, aaa aaaah aaa aaa." They are not so good at determining whether a Maximum Contaminant Level Goal of 7 million fibers of asbestos per liter of drinking water is an adequate protection, too high a concentration, or unduly, needlessly low.

Alpha Males are wonderful for jumping on a friend's head and pounding his skull without cause or useful reason, entertaining people who paid several dollars to watch them in their cages. They are not so good at contemplating how sending $400 million dollars to one side of a civil war in Columbia to kill the other side can breed anti-Americanism and terrorism.

The greatest achievements of Alpha Males to date consist of having gotten to sleep with other apes of their choice for a brief period until another ape took over as Alpha Male, having gained the respect and deference of an entire six other apes, and having masturbated while standing atop the same rock over 100 times. The greatest achievements of humans include having walked on the moon and the invention of an artificial heart.

You see, being the best leader - if you can imagine - is somewhat different when you are talking about ape societies or human societies. And while big-mouthed, uneducated, overly aggressive masturbators without doubt are the dominant force in ape life, ape business, and ape politics, it doesn't necessarily work that way with us people. Because in the end the reality is, that if you gave a monkey a brain, he'd probably throw it to the ground and squawk, "Ooo ooo ooo, aaa aah aaa aaa," at the top of his lungs, and then masturbate publicly.

originally posted at: http://www.moderateindependent.com/v1i9males.htm

[izzie]

1. I wish I could put a quote from that here.

It is the last of what was said, and it really made me laught. I am watching TV and they are doing this in DC, all those apes oh I mean males.