Bubbly-belly-bugging boffins battle bovine belch peril

[Dead_Parrot]

One thing to be said for the Register - They write a mean headline.

Tesco agro-surveillance to ward off cow-burpocalypse

In a desperate attempt to avoid all life on Earth being gradually suffocated by a growing global cloud of noxious cow-belch emissions, corporate chiefs have planted bugging devices on a herd of dairy cattle. The listening devices, it's hoped, may allow top-bracket scientists to sift valuable information from the creatures' rumbling, bubbling guts.

The news went mainstream this week thanks to quality UK news outlets the Sun and the Telegraph, but in fact they had been scooped by a matter of seven months or so by the Farmers Guardian, the real world's answer to the Country Gentleman's Pig Fertiliser Gazette of Blackadder fame. Covering the opening of the new Tesco Dairy Centre of Excellence back in January, agro-newshawk Joanne Pugh revealed the retail globocorp's plans to focus an intensive high-tech surveillance programme on the nation's cattle - all for their own good, of course.

Tesco and other agribiz execs discussed the development of "vocal tags where microphones can gauge the pitch of a cow ruminating. Any alteration to this pitch would identify a digestive problem". On top of this, there were plans to monitor cattle movements with "computer-based heat detection systems".
...
In time, the Tesco belly-mike system may perhaps be hooked up to an automatic on-cow flare stack or patio-gas sequestration rig of some kind.

Original at Country Gentleman's Pig Fertiliser Gazette.

[bananas]

1. Swedish lesbians suck sperm banks dry

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/07/24/swedish_shortage/

Swedish lesbians suck sperm banks dry
Duff man juice also adding to chronic shortage

By Lester Haines • Get more from this author

Posted in Biology, 24th July 2009 11:58 GMT

Increase responsiveness and effectiveness in your organizations

Sweden's fertility clinics are racking up a serious backlog of people waiting for artificial insemination, due in part to a "spike" in demand from lesbian couples for vital supplies of man juice.

So bad have things got that prospective customers at Sahlgrenska University Hospital in Gothenburg are now forced to wait 18 months for treatment.

The problem, the Göteborgs-Posten explains, is that a 2005 law change granted "female same-sex couples" the right to fertility treatment at Swedish hospitals. Previously, this privilege extended only to married women or those who were "registered heterosexual partners".

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[Chemisse]

7. Hysterical! - nt

[alanbstardmp]

2. Bubbly-belly-bugging boffins battle bovine belch peril

Global warming/climate change is nonsense, absolute crap!

[Dead_Parrot]

4. Gosh, did you think that up all by yourself?

Well done! Have a gold star for cleverness.

[Chemisse]

6. You sound like such an intellectual

I expect you have done intense, cutting edge research to come to that conclusion.

What a relief though! I was really getting worried about my children's future.

[bananas]

3. NYC 'Top Model' stampede: The truth revealed

LOL - The Register has taken tabloid journalism to new heights!

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/03/20/top_model_stampede/page3.html

NYC 'Top Model' stampede: The truth revealed
Exclusive snaps of Manhattan mayhem

By Lester Haines • Get more from this author
Posted in Bootnotes, 20th March 2009 12:02 GMT

3: The home insemination attempt

Here's another pic from our stateside snapper. A Massachusetts woman, who's been parked on a sofa outside the Top Model audition all night the better to secure an early spot in the castings has, after an excess of liquor, decided to impregnate her wife with a plastic syringe containing her brother's man juice:


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[KT2000]

5. Resource raping Rasputins! n/t