Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter

[Dogmudgeon]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/department-of-interior-to-clean-nations-filter,18031/">Department Of Interior To Clean Nation's Filter
40 Million Tons Of Gunk Clogging Up Country

Interior Secretary Ken Salazar announced Tuesday that a maintenance crew would begin work this week cleaning the nation's filter in order to remove the estimated 40 million tons of gunk, crud, and muck currently clogging up the country.

According to Salazar, workers opened the service panel Friday to inspect the nation's 2,500- mile-long filter unit and found it covered in a dense layer of dust, mold spores, soap scum, human waste, thousands of Canada geese, pine trees, poplar trees, and automobiles, as well as an 8-million-ton clump of hair.

The crew also reportedly discovered more than $50 billion in loose change in the filter's housing.

"It is imperative that from here on out we maintain a clean national filter at all times, otherwise the whole country gets backed up," Salazar said at a press conference, rolling up his sleeves to pick away some of the 15-mile-thick stratum of filth. "Look at all this crap that's jammed in here. No wonder the nation's been running so slow."

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Department officials said they had searched online for replacement filters, but acknowledged the original packaging had been thrown away, making it difficult to track down the model number. Sources confirmed preparations were being made to order the part from a manufacturer overseas.

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